Share your perspective on Switching

[SalvDali]

I have to say I would love my wife to change roles but currently she has no interest in trying it. Maybe we will experiment more in the future.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I am a collared submissive to MDS and I am a the dominant of Joy.

MDS has a very natural dominant type of personality. I had never thought of myself as submissive until he and I got to know each other better and I just fell into the submissive role due to his personality.

Then when Joy and I got together. She is naturally submissive. We began as vanilla lovers but her submissiveness brought out the dominant in me.

I don't think of myself as a switch because I don't switch back and forth with the same person. The times Joy and I have tried switching it didn't feel right

When the three of us have gotten together it was difficult for me to be both. The first time I simply went into submissive mode and MDS topped us both with some minor topping from me over Joy. It's fun, just an adjustment for me. They both got to be exactly who they naturally are. I am neither naturally all submissive or all dominant.

 

[BiBunny]

I'm pretty sure that Jung would disagree with you on this. Well, I think he would have back when he was alive. Can you go into some detail on how you see dominance and submission existing on separate spectra?

I would rather say that they are two intersecting circles. There is some common things, the intersection area, that would go either that way or this. They fall either on a dominant sude or submissive, and you can't have both.
And there are areas that are independent.

Nezhul's post may actually be a better explanation than mine, MWY.



As far as some of the other discussion goes, I've never had any trouble switching back and forth with the same person. My desires go in cycles, it seems--more tied to whatever's going on in my head than to the person I'm playing with at any given time.

 

[Shankara20]

And anytime you start a thread on that subject I will be there with popcorn!

Oooo, go on, you know, for educational purposes

Actually I'm not up to making that much effort at this time, but thanks for the interest. I will recount how I discovered my switchness...

In the mid-90's I became interested in BDSM as I noticed ads in the local Bay area weekly papers for Pro-Dommes. I picked up a copy of the Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices by Brenda Love. As I read through it I was fascinated to find that I got physically sexually stimulated by much of what I read.

Eventually I decided I would take the huge risk of going to one of the Pro's in those ads. I want totally as a sub wanted to be Dominated. I returned to Ma'am about very 6 to 8 weeks for about a year, each visit finding new material to explore.

Wife #2, my wife at the time, knew I was visiting Ma'am, Wife #2 had even met Her once and had a close friend she respected who,, as it turned out also visited Ma'am. (Wife #2 has a history of sexual abuse as a child and is very vanilla. She expressed support in my explorations.

I clearly remember a night about a year into my relationship with Ma'am, the scene that time had been about impact play with a great deal of flogging. As I was naked on my knees having just been released from scene-space I crawled over to Ma'am who was seated with the flogger across Her knees and said "Show me how to use that thing". My Top was emerging.

As it turned out I am less Dom/sub and much more Top/bottom. And this is all in scene space. I lived for several years with a ProDomme in San Francisco, as a lover never as a client. We started with a Dom/sub relationship with me as sub only. Eventually it grew into both of us being Top/bottom switches in scene space and equals in non-scene space.


Wife #3, aka "Wife" is vanilla all the way. And at this time in my life I'm fine with that. Lit gives me a place to stay connected to my kink...

Go figure.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Thank you for sharing.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Speaking to a few of the things I brought up...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Can people successfully both act as Dom(me) and sub?

Yes. I think that a lot of people might find one role or another more natural or comfortable, but there's many who cross over, and back, and over... A person's success probably depends on their desire to fulfil the role, desire to gratify someone else's need, or a desire to push themselves. Or any other number of personal reasons, but reasons are pretty much needed. I can't imagine a die hard Dom not wanting to be a sub, with no incentive to please anyone else, and still managing to successfully become a sub. Turn that around and give them a burning need to satisfy an itch or satisfy someone else, and there's no reason they won't have (and provide) a good experience.


Top and bottom?

I see Topping and Bottoming a little differently. Without meaning to step on any toes or be insensitive to anyone's experiences or relationships, I see Topping and Bottoming as a separate entity. I can personally Top or Bottom without any emotional investment. I cannot sub without being emotionally attached, and I am not overly successful as a Domme without an emotional connection, either. I realize that the standard is to describe Topping and Bottoming as the person acting upon a partner, or the partner being acted upon, but my personal lines are drawn a little differently. I'm not saying the standard is not correct, neither am I saying that you cannot Top or Bottom without emotion. I'm just saying that in my own compartmentalized mind Bottoming isn't subbing because for me there is no emotional connection in bottoming, and no subbing is possible without emotional connection. Is that clear as mud?


Is it possible with the same person?

It's interesting to see how many people are saying yes to this. Again, my crossover experiences with the same person are quite limited, but it's obvious that many people do it successfully.


Are different relationships required for the different functions?

I didn't mean public functions I meant more along the lines of.. Can you switch with the same person or do you need a different person in order to take on the different role. Personally, I seem to end up being either sub or Domme with a person, and sticking to that. I have no problems with boredom when power dynamics are present


Does a switching partnership have more challenges than a static partnership or more rewards?

Very limited experience, but I think you can make an argument either way. I would say that switching roles back and forth would be challenging by nature, it would be for me. Getting in the correct head space, ignoring impulses towards the other bias (trying not to take charge when in sub mode, for instance) and having our forward exploration of one dynamic interspersed with the other dynamic, all that seems chaotic and difficult to me. I can see where people could easily make the argument that the more dynamic the relationship is (switching within the relationship) the more rewarding it would be. I think it all comes down to personal preference and comfort with roles.


How are switches regarded in a community largely defined by Dom(mes) and subs?

In my experience, a bit poorly. There's a perceived lack of empathy with the Switch, and a general discomfort from some who can only respond to pigeonholed Dom(mes) or subs. That's fading, I think, as the kink community grows, but it's there. I see a few people voicing the perception that Switches are not committed or cannot make up their minds, and I found that interesting. I always thought it stemmed more from a bias against something that people just couldn't relate to personally, and therefore naturally disliked or distrusted. I think most people would admit, the majority of subs are through and through, and certainly the majority of Dom(mes) cannot imagine themselves on the other side of the coin. I think the.. not ostracizing, but something a bit less strenuous.. shunning? I think the shunning vibes come from that inability to relate to a switch by the majority of the kink community.


Is it uncomfortable interacting with switches? Would you interact the same with someone regardless if they were Dom(me), sub or switch?

It's not uncomfortable for me, but I think it can be for some. I would like to say that outside of a scene or a relationship I would react to someone differently depending on how they identify, but I'm not sure I can. I think I am pretty much me at all times In other words, I'm not going to respect you just because you are a Dom(me) or baby or befriend you just because you are a sub. So... Yes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wanted to add thanks to everyone for their input. I was particularly interested in learning the dynamics of those who have multiple relationship statuses at the same time. I am a one relationship at a time kind of girl, but I imagine that this could give you really excellent contrast.

 

[Nezhul]

Does a switching partnership have more challenges than a static partnership or more rewards?

Very limited experience, but I think you can make an argument either way.

Depends strongly on the chemistry between the partners and what exactly does their kink entail. There are too many shades and variables to argue for a definite yes or no.

Some people may be just fine switching around all the time, for them it would be fun and exciting. Decide who's on top today by a coin toss? Sure, I can see that working.

At the same time for other pairs switching would be hard and difficult, awkward and forced. Even if they have those desires, it's just their chemistry is slower and cannot be adjusted on the fly.

I think either happens in reality. Somehow I feel there are much more static pairs that there is switching pairs.

How are switches regarded in a community largely defined by Dom(mes) and subs?

Is it uncomfortable interacting with switches? Would you interact the same with someone regardless if they were Dom(me), sub or switch?

I think those two questions boil down to what people are used to.
For a dedicated Dom/Domme it's easy to fall into that role and treat the kinky people around them as either subs or fellow doms.

When they meet a switch, they simply don't know how to act, and all sorts of awkwardness may come to light, especially if they are in the groove at the moment, which often happens when we are talking of meeting inside the "BDSM Community".

I knew a woman who just couldn't switch her Doome side fast enough, and was acting bitchy and dominant towards all males around her, be they submissives, switches or dominants. Needless to say, it didn't work very well for her and she offended several people by ordering them around inappropriately.

 

[HisGreedySlut]

Interesting topic

I agree with it being totally subjective and dependent on the person/relationship. I find that I click best sexually with other switches, as we are more flexible together in responding to what the other wants...since being either sub or Dom or both is something we each enjoy, we're always happy. And I get both itches scratched with the same person. But maybe I've just been lucky there.

I have had virtual relationships with guys who were strictly Dom or sub, and was fulfilled but sometimes it was a little frustrating knowing that they wouldn't play along if I wanted to flip things a bit.

I can see how some people wouldn't be able to see or respond to the same person as both a Dom (me) and sub though. I assume that's more a factor for those with more structured or formal bdsm personae. I am so fluid that I am turned on by both Dom and sub roles simultaneously, so I don't really go though phases where I want to be one or the other, but am pretty open to either. That said, I'm not truly 50-50 balanced - I definitely favor submissive more. It's interesting because my personality outside of my sexual proclivities leans more dominant.

I think it really depends a lot on what the person brings out in you, what your chemistry is. I have also had a chat relationship with a switch where it just didn't really click for us for him to be the Dom - I really brought out the sub in him.

Control preferences are a spectrum, just like all other kinks and qualities, as far as I'm concerned. Some people will say that it should be a certain way or you aren't submissive or dominant, but that's so fucking pretentious and presumptive. No one owns the concepts and is fit to judge how other people like to fuck and play.

Interesting thread!

 

[Mean_It]

What is your perception of switching? For me it feels like a literal switch. Like I'm just shedding one personality and putting on another - it was kind of intimidating, and liberating all in one. I can only speak for myself though and from other replies I've gathered this isn't necessarily what generally happens. I'm bisexual but switching doesn't feel equivalent to that for me. I'm bi all the time but switching feels like going from 100% straight to 100% gay.

Can people successfully both act as Dom(me) and sub? Top and bottom? For me absolutely. I would say that I have some fairly extreme submissive fantasies (I tend to slightly prefer mental to physical as both sub and Domme though) and with the right dom subbing it is literal nirvana, but my domme side feels like a bitch from hell (cold, cruel, power-hungry). My regular non-sexual personality is literally the polar opposite of my domme side, I would say the only time I have felt anything like that is maybe 2-3 times in my life when I've been unbelievably pissed off. Generally, I'm easy going, agreeable, shy and friendly. Interestingly that side of my personality continues on when my Domme side is "out" but it's like listening to a little background dialogue.

Is it possible with the same person? Are different relationships required for the different functions? For me, I think this is a no. I will say I am inexperienced with this but the one time I met another switch who was like "okay now I'll dom you" my instinctive reaction was a huge "WTF? No, get back on your knees."

Does a switching partnership have more challenges than a static partnership or more rewards? Errr no idea, I've never been in a relationship as a switch.

How are switches regarded in a community largely defined by Dom(mes) and subs? This is my first attempt at joining the community, so to speak, so couldn't say.

Is it uncomfortable interacting with switches? Would you interact the same with someone regardless if they were Dom(me), sub or switch? I think with another switch I generally prefer to pick one, and if we both stick to it I don't find it any different. I've never been dominated by a switch before though.

 

[theCARS1979]

I would definitely switch from sub to dom or dom to sub

 

[Etoile]

I'd been meaning to come back and answer the questions.

What is your perception of switching?

I consider it a perfectly valid expression of BDSM identity. I think it gets pretty maligned sometimes, "you must be more dom or sub," but bisexual people get that all the time and it doesn't apply to them either.

Can people successfully both act as Dom(me) and sub? Top and bottom? Is it possible with the same person? Are different relationships required for the different functions?

Absolutely. As I mentioned, my Sir is also a collared submissive. It happens that currently, he has separate relationships for the different functions, but previously, the two of them switched with each other, before she decided she really didn't ever feel submissive anymore (after some other life changes). Their agreement shifted so he was the full-time submissive, rather than switching. My agreement with him is completely separate, and it happens that in this case he's the full-time dominant.

As for top and bottom - I consider that a separate issue. Because I am owned by a switch, I occasionally service top. This means he is looking for a particular feeling, and I'm the tool he uses to get it. It does not make me dominant, and it is in our contract that these privileges are temporary. I don't really consider this "switching" because I'm still serving. Maybe I'm the one wielding the flogger (uh, badly...) but that makes me a top for the duration, not a switch. My heart is still submissive, I'm just doing to rather than having done to.

And mind you, I only enjoy service topping because he asks me to. I get joy from it because he's enjoying himself. It's pure service for me. I might giggle and like it if he begs for release, but that's because he's getting what he wants, which is to beg. I take no joy in the begging, I take joy in his appreciation of my efforts.

Does a switching partnership have more challenges than a static partnership or more rewards?

Yes, both. Kind of like a polyamorous relationship has more challenges than a monogamous one, but also more rewards.

How are switches regarded in a community largely defined by Dom(mes) and subs? Is it uncomfortable interacting with switches? Would you interact the same with someone regardless if they were Dom(me), sub or switch?

Shit, if I'm not playing with someone or fucking them, I interact the same with everybody. I am not "a submissive" for everyone to treat like a submissive, I am Sir's submissive and he's the only one who gets to treat me that way. (Unless otherwise designated by him, blah blah.) I don't show more respect to a dominant person just because they're dominant, I do that for Sir. Everybody else gets treated equally. It's no more uncomfortable interacting with a switch than anyone else.

As for how they're regarded, though, I think sometimes they're mythical creatures, and sometimes they're "just on the fence," and sometimes they're treated like the human beings they are who happen to have a wider range of interests than others.

 

[badmatt]

(First, thank you for a thread that definitely needs to be talked about on occasion! And one that I, as a returning litster can contribute to)

The switches that I know. The ones who have successfully found a way to navigate both ends of the spectrum are supremely happy folks. They regard it as the best of both worlds. Even the two I know that are in 3 way committed D/S/s relationships say that the 'extra' navigation they do to keep the relationships together are far outweighed by the benefits they get. I've also known some who tried, for the sake of a partner and it didn't work.

Personally, I can't even bottom for a conversation. (yep, a dominant who doesn't 'cap'...hell back when I started this account that was not even something I pondered ever being an issue. I'd come from a place where it never was. Now, everywhere I go, I go by BaDMaTT to lessen confusion, but hey, not losing my account here over it.) I know lots of people who can situationally top or bottom. It might not fit their overall outlook or self-image, but for a scene, a day, that sort of thing, they can be what's needed, some of them just don't get anything extra from it, they just know it pleases who they're with.

Personally I just want the people around me to be happy. And if switching does it and they don't get hurt or hurt themselves in the process, the least I can do is be supportive of them.

 

[Etoile]

And one that I, as a returning litster can contribute to

Whoa, you've been here almost as long as I have.
Welcome back!

 

[badmatt]

Whoa, you've been here almost as long as I have.
Welcome back!

thank you muchly!

 

[dawn_of_night]

This is great! I don't have much to contribute unfortunately.
I would like to say, it's nice to know others feel the same about switches and it's nice to be able to relate with persons who identify with both roles.
Switching comes naturally to me at this point in my life.
At one point in my life I never would have considered my self a s-type, but a very warm and exceptional Dom lead me thru a journey of self awareness and growth. I'm able to relate to myself and my partner and the needs each of us have, as our relationship grows.

 

[ydahecnot]

I am naturally submissive and a large percentage of my fantasies over the years involved the woman having control (almost as frequent as my fantasies about women in sexy clothing). Here, a good domme is like a unicorn, especially on the PG. I had a couple of really awesome but ultimately fleeting relationships with dommes here. So I learned to adjust, to take what turns me on when a woman does it to me and become the one to deliver it. I don't get into the Daddy/little thing, so that's another limiter. I have had really good times with women who want a guy in charge and those who like it to go back and forth. And sometimes, good ole vanilla with sprinkles is oh-so-nice. When I have control, I have to be careful to not be too "rough" in my describing of things, since I don't really have the Daddy mind play mindset. Basically, ya talk and you find each other's buttons and go from there

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

*feels shy about posting here*

The way I am currently describing myself is 'submissive by nature, dominant by nurture.'

I never set out to develop a dominant side, but for whatever reason, I keep finding myself presented with the opportunity to explore male submission, so in the absence of a dominant partner, I've decided to roll with it for the time being.

Submission feels second nature to me, dominance feels like really hard work, but not without rewards. And the more I do it, the more I learn, and the more capable I feel. It's an agonizing process sometimes (hopefully just for me, and not for them!), and I want to give up on a regular basis because I feel I must be doing a total crap job of it. But I'm learning so much! About relationships, about communication, about problem solving. And of course I have liked the people I've been spending time with, so there's that.

My biggest hurdles so far have been finding the 'switch' that brings out my dominant side, and getting enough feedback from them on what I'm doing to feel like I'm making progress. In an online context (where my experience has been thus far), I don't mind helping a partner get off if the chemistry is right, but I need enough input from them on how I'm doing to know exactly what it is that I'm doing right, or it's not worth my time.

I've discovered that when I'm having a bad day, feeling insecure about myself in general, it affects (or at least, I feel that it does) my ability to be an effective dominant partner more so than it would hinder my submission. I find I am reluctant to admit feeling weak, and not knowing how to ask for help, or what that help even needs to look like. Those are the days when I feel I should apologize for my inadequacies and suggest that he find someone who knows what the fuck they're doing.

But we enjoy spending time together, and when it works, it really works. I don't want to quit, I just want to be a whole lot better at this than I feel I am. I find myself lost and wandering, torn between giving him what I think he wants, and hearing his words in my head, saying that he wants to please me. I'm not sure if I'm afraid that he won't like what I want, or if I don't actually know what I want - probably some of both. I'm so used to being the accommodating one, it feels horribly selfish to want something just because I want it. And the fear of rejection is strong. And too, I'm afraid of overwhelming him with too many questions. Lots of learning yet to be done!

Thank you, Collar, for starting this thread.

 

[badmatt]

thank you for sharing Wild Honey.

Everyone has moments of insecurity. I'm definitely not above my days of wondering what the hell I'm doing. I would say that what you're experiencing is no different than what those of us that aren't switches go through. You are just experiencing it in a different set of circumstances.

I'm awed by your ability to talk about what you go through. I'm not sure that I can articulate in a similar way, but I'll try. For me my hardest days are always about being able to help mine grow. The days when I just don't know how to find the words or actions are going to get through. We all want to be better.

 

[OneAuthor]

This thread requires a bump, since I find it quite fascinating.

I used to think of myself as completely submissive, and have always loved the idea of being sexually dominated by a woman. But in more recent years, I have done some writing (on other sites, but I promise to post stories here in the near future) as well as online role play in which I have completely enjoyed things from the dominant perspective.

As many have stated, depending on the day, my mood, and who I am interacting with...I can be a submissive (and revel in giving control to another) or I can be a dominant (and get off on having the control).

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

So I switched with a switch for the first time, and holy cow! It worked!

Until now, I had not been keen on the idea of submitting to a previously submissive partner. It takes a lot more trust and emotional intimacy for me to sub than it does for me to dom, and I didn't know if I wanted to open that can of worms, or whether he would be able to handle it. But I was having a difficult time with life that day, and in need of some dominant-style TLC. He'd been curious about what I was like as a sub, so we got to talking and I told him we could try it once and see how it went, and then go from there.

He was great! Just what I needed, and he enjoyed it too. We've decided to go ahead and continue with both options, probably depending more on my mood than on his.

Why does it work? I'm going to be analyzing that for a while, I think. We have similar styles in general, although I think he leans a bit more... extreme? - I'll have to find a better word, but that'll do for now - in both roles. I think he's a little tougher than i am as a Dom, and wants more control from me when he is subbing. I think the important factor is not that we're similar, but that we want what the other is offering, in both roles.

Would I do this again, since I've now had a positive experience with it? (I'm making up my own questions, lol ) I would still be very cautious about it. I don't think there's a guarantee that it's going to work both ways with every person, but I'm willing to admit that I may change my mind to some degree after I've had more experience.

I told a friend that it feels like I'm involved with three people in one body: vanilla him, sub him and dom him. But I'm not sure that those three are as distant from each other as they seem to me right now. I'm wondering if it isn't more like looking into a kaleidoscope? you turn the barrel just a fraction, and the whole picture seems to change, but in truth, it's only a fraction away from who they were before. I don't know, time will tell.

And I'm looking forward to the journey with anticipation and excitement.

 

[Xlordzx]

I'm a bit of a purist I think.
I think every relationship or even social interaction puts someone as a top and someone as a bottom and they naturally find their level. (Or not, in which case there is usually fireworks for all observers to enjoy)
Unless your relationship develops to the point where switching becomes required or desired then i think it is possible but it surely must go against the grain. Or changing gears from top to bottom must take some time.
I doubt I could be a sub without topping from the bottom

(No you're not doing it right! Hold the blogger in a loose grip and wind back you pussy!)

 

[naughtymind]

I thought I’d toss my two cents in, for whatever it’s worth. First off, a disclaimer; I never have identified as a dom, sub, or switch for that matter. Now I do enjoy aspects of both domination and submission mixed into my sex life; mostly of a fairly “mild” variety to many of you no doubt. Neither dominance, nor submission have ever defined me or my sex life however; they add to the excitement, but have never been fundamental to sex for me. In other words, I am probably not exactly representing your target community. If asked, I would typically say I am a switch because that’s the closest label that fits me.

The main thing I thought I would add is that, for me personally, I would not be particularly interested or excited to dominate a true sub. For me, there is something a lot more exciting about a dynamic of power play that isn’t so automatically defined. Our moods can shift, things are unpredictable, our sex can develop tangents, submission is sometimes given and sometimes taken (I don’t mean non-consent). Being dominant with someone who has the interest, desire, and the confidence, to do the same to me is a dynamic I find very exciting and quite natural in its nature. Obviously we all have different tastes and all, but I really don’t see switching as anything all that complicated or awkward at all.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

The main thing I thought I would add is that, for me personally, I would not be particularly interested or excited to dominate a true sub. For me, there is something a lot more exciting about a dynamic of power play that isn’t so automatically defined. Our moods can shift, things are unpredictable, our sex can develop tangents, submission is sometimes given and sometimes taken (I don’t mean non-consent). Being dominant with someone who has the interest, desire, and the confidence, to do the same to me is a dynamic I find very exciting and quite natural in its nature. Obviously we all have different tastes and all, but I really don’t see switching as anything all that complicated or awkward at all.

How are you defining 'true sub' here? Not a switch?

 

[Etoile]

Or changing gears from top to bottom must take some time.

Not necessarily. I provide service topping for my Sir, who is a switch. We don't generally switch in our relationship, but if he wants to get tied up, I'm going to do it, because he orders me to.

The way we do it is, I can either let him come while he's tied up, or I can NOT let him come, and then he'll switch and fuck me and come. If I do the latter, he is ready to go from bottoming to topping in a NANOSECOND. We actually ended up discussing that I need more time than that, because it's a LOT of work for me to top, and I need to shift gears! So it does take time for some people, but not everyone...

 

[Etoile]

How are you defining 'true sub' here? Not a switch?

I would like to know this too, as "true sub" is pretty bullshit when you've spent a while in the scene.