SO Abused....Need Advise

[Virgin Man]

I have recently leared that several years ago my SO was asaulted and sodimized. She had repressed the memories, but they have recently come flooding back (yes, she knew her attacker and no, she never reported it...and now that statute of limitations has passed so she can not)

As a result, she can not bear to have me touch her, and does not want to touch me.

I would love to get her some professional help, but she will not hear of it. Thus, I will have to help her get over this.

If anyone has any thoughts, I would really appreciate it

 

[Starbuck69]

Dear Virgin man,

Im sorry to hear what happend, she really need to get some pro help with this, other than that you just need to be there to support her and help with what you can, and dont full yourself it will be a long process.

But dont try pushing to hard because it will push her away, she needs to want to go get pro help and you will need to need to be there when she wants you and then give her space when she needs it.

Good luck

 

[akatrex]

Virgin Man,

I totally agree. Go with the PRO's

My bride was raped by someone she knew as a young girl. She persued the legal route, but it was still very tramatic.

The guy is on the "Megan's Law" site as a repeat Sex Offender.

They say time heals all wounds. It has for me.

My Dad committed Suicide with a handgun. Seven years later I became a Championship marksmen.

Wishing you all the BEST.

 

[5pintshefound]

I have recently leared that several years ago my SO was asaulted and sodimized. She had repressed the memories, but they have recently come flooding back (yes, she knew her attacker and no, she never reported it...and now that statute of limitations has passed so she can not)

As a result, she can not bear to have me touch her, and does not want to touch me.

I would love to get her some professional help, but she will not hear of it. Thus, I will have to help her get over this.

If anyone has any thoughts, I would really appreciate it

im sorry your SO is dealing with this... its a hard road to be on... the best thing u can do for her, is not pressure her, and be there for her. its going to be hard... {personal experiance talking here- was a victim also, and i still have daily trouble with it.. somedays worse than tohers...} i never reported it to authorities either. something that helps me, is i always try to make sure, if i get freaked, i stop whatevers going on , and i look AT my husband.. reaffirming that it is MY HUSBAND and not memories from y ears past... it helps a lot... also, it seems that for me at least, other stressers, bring the "yucky stuff" to the surface.. so the more stressed ia m, the worse it gets... {does that make sense??}


good luck...

~5PHF

 

[Monazwx]

Hopefully,

. . . this thread can assist you; it's not about sexual assault per se, but it may help to know that others are trying to find the answer as well.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=119289

 

[SweetErika]

This is a great thread you might want to check out.

Her unwillingness to get the help she needs to survive this (it's usually the aftermath that shatters or kills us, not the assault itself) is a problem. I'll tell you what made me seek real help (there's a specific type of therapy, Cognitive Behavior(al) for Trauma/Assault/PTSD, this requires) was the realization my issues were doing serious damage to my relationship and husband. I couldn't put him, us, through the outbursts during sex, him feeling guilty, like he was hurting, or even raping, me (even though I always pushed for the sex). Long periods of no intercourse wasn't working for us either, and I knew we couldn't go on forever like that, especially since we were looking towards kids down the line.

One of the things that helped me realize this was him being honest with me. When I asked about not having sex because I was feeling guilty, he told me, "Yes, I miss the intimacy." He was honest, but very gentle, about not being happy with the way things were, and that got me in gear to fix them because I didn't want the person I loved to be unhappy along with me. So, maybe that will be an impetus for your S.O., though I have to warn you, it can take years, and even failed relationships, to come to that conclusion.

 

[Virgin Man]

Thanks

My thanks to everyone who replied. If you have any further suggestions, I would be most grateful (alternatively, if you do not want to post them, feel free to IM me)

 

[Musing]

Has your lady told you why she's so reluctant to seek help? It's clear from her behaviour that she has been affected deeply by this rape. Do any of her family or friends know about it? If so, if possible, become closer friends with them yourself so that you have somebody other than your gf to talk to about this, if you take this journey with her, you will get depressed at times and need a friendly ear yourself. They will also have other insights and advice as to how best to help her through this.

I admire you greatly for being willing to take on her psychological trauma. I am afraid though that you are completely inequipped for this. It's possible that in trying to help her you could actually set her back in some ways, and not even realise. This lady needs to see a qualified therapist.

Gently try to help her get there, reassure her that if she doesn't like a therapist, you'll keep looking until you find one that she does like. If she gets along with her GP, maybe a first step would be for her to talk to him/her about this and see what is recommended.

If she won't go near a professional, try a different approach. There are support groups for rape victims or you could maybe just contact the leader of one and gradually persuade your gf to meet with her/him. There are online forums like this one that support victims and this she can do completely anonymously, whenever she feels like it.

I wish you well in this

 

[Virgin Man]

Has your lady told you why she's so reluctant to seek help? It's clear from her behaviour that she has been affected deeply by this rape. Do any of her family or friends know about it? If so, if possible, become closer friends with them yourself so that you have somebody other than your gf to talk to about this, if you take this journey with her, you will get depressed at times and need a friendly ear yourself. They will also have other insights and advice as to how best to help her through this.

I do not know if anyone else knows. This is not the type of thing that she would have told anyone (it took me almost 4 months to get it out of her...and we have been together for over three years).

Yes, I do need "someone" to talk to. That is one of the reasons I posted here. My hope is that this community can serve as my guide and ears.

It's possible that in trying to help her you could actually set her back in some ways, and not even realise. This lady needs to see a qualified therapist.

That is my greatest fear. Unfortunately she has a very, very bad case of "White Coat Syndrome". She hates doctors, and only goes under the most extreme conditions.

If she won't go near a professional, try a different approach. There are support groups for rape victims or you could maybe just contact the leader of one and gradually persuade your gf to meet with her/him. There are online forums like this one that support victims and this she can do completely anonymously, whenever she feels like it.

Unfortunatly all that I can do is be there to support her. If she knew that I was writing about this anywhere, she would have my head.

 

[onyxvixen]

If your gf is so insistent that you have to do this alone then you need to get clued up.

this book
and this book may help you.

You can contact groups or join forums dedicated to rape victim support and draw the knowledge and strength you'll need to begin helping her with this.

What I think you will both find eventually though, is that you will need at some point to get her to a professional. Sorry to be pessimistic. We can all wish you well and offer advice here but most of us are no more knowledgable than you are. A specialist forum may be more helpful to you.

Wishing you all the best though

 

[Virgin Man]

Further update

It's interesting, but she he will not permit me to use the words Rape or Sodimize, yet she clearly was sodimized (not sure about raped). She is convinced that now that she has told me what happened that she can manage it by herself. Yesterday I used the words Rape and Sodimized and she broke into tears, begging me not to use them again.

She was also crying early this morning and apologizing to me. I keep telling her that it is NOT her fault, that she did NOTHING wrong. I'm not sure that I am getting through.

My thanks to everyone here for your words of wisdom and advise. Its a comfort to know that there is a group of people to whom I can turn who will understand and be supportive.

 

[Starbuck69]

Did you read the links that SweetErika and Mona sent to you? I wish the two of you luck and just be patient.

 

[FaeryFire]

*comfort hugs*

All I can suggest is to slowly build up that physical trust. I had a friend with the same problem, couldn't have people touch him, I never found out why but he did mention several failed relationships because of it.
Perhaps finding ways to have casual physical contact in a non-sexual or non private setting? How about a dance course (something up-beat like rock and roll)? Or ask her to do things for you, like combing your hair before work. Off the cuff kind things. If she's painting her nails offer to do her dominant hand for her. Give her a foot rub. Just don't over do it all at once, and make sure it's not sexual.

All you can really do is be patient and be her friend. Don't tell her you're doing it to help her through the problems, just do it because you care.

She might seem like she's doing well, and then one day she'll be off. Every day is a new struggle, and some days she'll be haunted more than others.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me. You'll need just as much support as she will.
~Fae

 

[Different Guy]

Have to say go and get it sorted with pros and comforting

 

[save_marla]

I've been in your girlfriend's shoes, and I remember one guy in particular trying so hard to help me get through it. He was such a sweet, kind, dear friend, and still I couldn't let him get close to me for a long time.

There was a point where I honestly thought that every man is a predator, and there are just some who choose to stifle those urges. I remember being afraid, because MOST men are physically strong enough to take what they want, by force (even if they never, ever would). I believed that even men with the best of intentions could lose control and become rapists. It was a scary, dismal place to be, and I spent more time there than I should have.

I didn't seek professional help, either, but it helped to have such a good friend to talk to (who also happened to be a man) - and feel like I could say anything to him. I remember at one point being very angry and saying I wished I was a man, so I could go out and FUCK women, just fuck any woman I wanted. It was completely irrational babble, but he let me say it, he didn't take it personally, and it helped. I had a right to be angry, and he let me vent.

Let your girlfriend know that you want her to talk to you. The worst feeling about a violation like this is, you feel you can't talk to anyone about it, even if they know about it - what happened, how you were feeling at the time, how you feel about it now. It'll be hard to listen to some of the things she might have to say, but try to understand that she needs to let it out to someone she can trust, in order to let it go.

Be as understanding as you can be, about your physical relationship. I went through a phase where I wanted to have sex just to feel normal about it again - but I also went through periods where I kept men at arm's length because I couldn't trust them to control themselves. I would sometimes get scared in the middle of making out, and have to stop everything (usually by bursting into tears) - and it didn't help when the man would get frustrated or annoyed about it.

This'll be as hard for you to get through as it will be for her, I think. But if you can let her have that control over the physical side of things, and let her know she can talk to you - about anything - I think it will be a big help in getting her through it.

Know that she doesn't want to be the way she's acting - but she has been stripped of her power and her confidence and her trust, and those are hard things to build up again. Be as loving as you can be. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, and you can get there.

Best of luck to you both. My thoughts are with you.

 

[MR.GGG]

This link may help also:

http://www.ncsl.org/programs/health/genetics/dnasexoffen.htm

However as an ex-cop I'd agree that in many cases dredging up an OLD sexual assault and pursuing it in the courts (providing you're allowed by the courts) is more traumatic for the victim than for the accused. Witness the crap that has gone on with the prosecution of some of the priests accused of sexual assaults dating back to the 50's. The victims have to relive it IN PUBLIC and half the time the church has played a game of find the peanut under the shell by moving these creeps around the world so they can't be charged anyway.

Another piece of advice is be VERY careful what kind of therapy she gets if you can persuade her to get some. Many therapists make things worse by bringing up the memories and reliving the feelings of shame and fear and pain and degradation - all in the name of cathartic cleansing. BS! She needs to put it down to her as victim who has survived and needs to focus on the future. Easier said than done and not trying to sound dispassionate or unsympathetic but reliving too much and / or categorizing herself as "victim" for too long could mire her in that space forever.

One thing I didn't read was how you were as a couple before this memory popped up. Did you have a good sex life before? I certainly hope so if you have been together 3 years. Pulling a "repressed" memory as a reason not to have anything to do with you sexually now MAY be indicative of other more serious problems in your "relationship."

G'luck dude. Sounds like you're gonna need it.

 

[Virgin Man]

...as an ex-cop I'd agree that in many cases dredging up an OLD sexual assault and pursuing it in the courts (providing you're allowed by the courts) is more traumatic for the victim than for the accused.

We can not bring this into court. The statute of limitations expired last year.

Another piece of advice is be VERY careful what kind of therapy she gets if you can persuade her to get some. Many therapists make things worse by bringing up the memories and reliving the feelings of shame and fear and pain and degradation - all in the name of cathartic cleansing. BS! She needs to put it down to her as victim who has survived and needs to focus on the future. Easier said than done and not trying to sound dispassionate or unsympathetic but reliving too much and / or categorizing herself as "victim" for too long could mire her in that space forever.

Very wise advise...thanks

One thing I didn't read was how you were as a couple before this memory popped up. Did you have a good sex life before? I certainly hope so if you have been together 3 years. Pulling a "repressed" memory as a reason not to have anything to do with you sexually now MAY be indicative of other more serious problems in your "relationship."

I think not. Without going into details, I can say that I'm the one who ripped into the scar and reopened it (I've known that she was repressing something for quite a while, but I did not know what until I reopened it). It took her another three months to admit to me what had happened. Her reactions were so strong, so viceral, that she could not have been faking it. She clearly wants to work this through

 

[JRaven]

Yes, I'm being lazy.

But even if it's been mentioned in a post previous to this one, it bears repeating.

VirginMan, why don't you go see a therapist. Seeing a professional yourself will do you a lot more good than the amatuers on this site. I'm not saying anybody is telling you anything wrong. All I'm saying is that a professional will know what questions to ask of you, give you the time to explain things in greater detail to them than you have explained to us.

As Musings said, it will be a long difficult road for you. You will need help yourself. If she won't go to a therapist, then go yourself.

Jenny

 

[SweetErika]

Another piece of advice is be VERY careful what kind of therapy she gets if you can persuade her to get some. Many therapists make things worse by bringing up the memories and reliving the feelings of shame and fear and pain and degradation - all in the name of cathartic cleansing. BS! She needs to put it down to her as victim who has survived and needs to focus on the future. Easier said than done and not trying to sound dispassionate or unsympathetic but reliving too much and / or categorizing herself as "victim" for too long could mire her in that space forever.

You generally give very good advice, Mr. G, and I certainly agree with what it sounds like you're saying about focusing on healing and moving forward, but a proven part of that process is being properly guided through becoming "desensitized" to the traumatic event.

Cognitive Processing Therapy for sexual assault and PTSD is what I went through, and it did involve writing, visualizing and orally recounting the rape many times. It was painful and scary and I sure as hell didn't want to do it, but it does work (trying not to think or remember, OTOH, is what got me in a lot more trouble in the first place). It brought up memories, I relived that fear and hurt, but after going through the entire program (which for me included finding out what really happened and exposing myself to that, instead of the far less traumatic story my mind had re-created to fit with my belief it was all my fault ) and dealing with all of the areas of my life it had invaded, I learned I COULD think about it and be exposed to 99% of my triggers without freaking out. And that's the point - we can't live a semblance of a normal life when we're hypervigilant and have strong emotional and physical reactions to every thought and event related to our assaults; the only thing we can do is learn how to think and respond in healthier ways.

Maybe you're talking about some wacky kind of therapy, but I did want to put this out there so VM and others wouldn't be discouraged and forgo the right type of therapy if they heard the treatment plan included exposure therapy. In fact, I'd be very hesitant about a therapist who didn't recommend some kind of exposure therapy as part of the program since it has been proven to reduce symptoms dramatically.

http://www.musc.edu/vawprevention/advocacy/rape.shtml is a good overview of the major types of therapies and gives ideas of their efficacy, plus references people can use for further research. My understanding is a specialized form of CPT/CBT is the most effective type overall for the majority because it combines many types of therapies and deals with all of the big areas assault affects (though it's still personalized and leaves plenty of room to deal with any related issues and things that need more intensive work).

 

[roomie77]

Thank you

Thank you all for the information in the thread. My wife has gone through similar things in her childhood that affects her sexually. It wasn't till after our first child that the flood gates opened. Now that they have, the ballgame has completely changed. Where we used to be mostly sexual compatible, we aren't now.

As her husband and best friend, I have been here for her. To help her with whatever she needs but it does take a toll on both parties. Obviously she is going through much more of it than I am but to say that it has been peaches and cream for me would be a lie.

She has sought help and she is slowly working through these issues and I am helping her however I can. If only I could fast-forward, things would be better for both of us.

Thanks again.