so i was thinking....

[helix27]

and it didn't hurt as much this time!!! improvement!

anyways. why is it that when you know what a person wants you to do, that you sometimes have trouble doing it because you know they want you to. i am not talking sexual here either. does this make sense? ok here is a example... your on a first date, and you know your date wants you to say open her door for her. no no that doesn't work. thats generally something you do right off anyway. humm well you can use that example anyway. is this just a guy thing? swry it makes sense in my head if it doesnt in yours just go on to the next thread.

not really so much of a how to question more oh a open thought i guess.

 

[mjl2010]

Huh? So you're saying that if your girlfriend likes getting flowers, you don't want to send her any. Or if she's hoping you'll hold that door for her so because her arms are full of packages, you won't. Just because she wants you to?

Have I got it right?

MJL

 

[Chicklet]

I have the same problem.

I think it's because if I know someone's expecting something, then they probably have an idea in their head of exactly how it should play out. And if I try to do it, am I going to get all the different aspects right? I might have held the door anyways, but now am I going to grab it at the right time? Am I going to make the right gesture? Am I going to look as elegant when I hold the door as they're hoping?

I don't know. I have a lot of sexual problems that way... when I get specific instructions I'm far less likely to follow them than when I'm left to my own devices. Well, being a submissive in the bedroom I'll probably TRY to follow them, but it's going to cause me a lot of anxiety.

In the workplace, I'm much better at motivating myself. If someone gives me directions or a list of things to have done, I tend to start worrying about how fast I'm doing it, how well I'm doing it, if that's the way they're expecting me to do it, etc.

I don't know why it is. It's probably because we humans like to stress. Especially me. And apparently you.

 

[Eilan]

I don't think it's a guy thing--it's a people thing. Or maybe just a stubborn person thing!

If I'm expected to do something, I tend to rebel, particularly if it's something related to gender roles. If my husband, for example, expected me to do all the housework and have dinner on the table at a certain time, it wouldn't happen. That's not to say that I don't do these things (my husband's retired, so we take turns and have a hugh clutter tolerance, so that helps).

Part of my issues probably stem from my childhood and from seeing my mother forced to do these things with no help or acknowledgement or anything, really, except abuse. I have this fear of ending up like her.

 

[helix27]

Huh? So you're saying that if your girlfriend likes getting flowers, you don't want to send her any. Or if she's hoping you'll hold that door for her so because her arms are full of packages, you won't. Just because she wants you to?

Have I got it right?

MJL

no not at all. would you like to go for double jeopardy where th stakes get even higher?? j/k

Chicklet, and Eilan are on the same page.

 

[Shayol]

Hmm something like:

I spot the huge pile of shirts that needs ironing badly and think " yeah I will do that later to day" Then my other half comes home and asks if i might want to do the ironing soon as it is piling up.... NO! Then I say i might not have time or other evading replies...

??

odd reversed effect... from considering doing it to the oposite, I feel like a ten yearold at times..
Sometimes I get irritated if i get a praice for doing something as well...

 

[M's girl]

Only get this feeling with people who always expect things from me and never feel like they have to return the favor. Other than that I'm a silly people pleaser and do far more for others than I get in return, generally speaking

Most of the time I don't mind, but with people I get to know better there comes a point where I'm like "no way, it's your turn first now"

 

[thebarber69]

Hmmm…lets see. Now this should be good, I as a man (ya a thick headed one of the species) that has been threw the spouse thing. She would bitch and bitch to get it done, but in the back of the mind it just said “Ya right”, and it got filed away till one day I could not stand it, and it got done. But then it was done and nothing was said to being a good job, so the (this is where the thick head comes into play) next time something like that was said, it just sat there till it fell over or the grass was up to my ass, or it got done by others, and they get all the glory, and you just get that “look.” Ohhh…that look can freeze water at ten paces. Make children cry, or run for there lives.

Or how about this, after the parting of the ways with that other, me being (thick headed comes back to me) the one I am, start to date again, and it goes great for a few months, and then it starts. That “look” gets used a lot, and the bitching takes place again, and that part of the mind (the big head) starts to think, “I was better off single.” We all know what is right with women; we (the thick headed, pig heads we are) just do not realize how good we have it till we miss that interaction with a significant other. We start out good, opening doors, helping them out, being the good male that we should be, but it’s the mind that gets lack, and does not keep doing it, we just lack off. Then we get to that part were we start to look again for another SO, and the process just starts over again. We the pig headed, thick, not caring ones, we have to “re train ourselves” to think the way we should even if we do not think it is good to do.

The thing I find is even harder if the Dom in me takes a hold of this, and you have to separate that part of your life from real life, and not mix the two together. But in a way they should intermix, and find that one that will do for you, and then feel the pride of her in you, and you do it back for her. Communications is just a lost art out here, and this time if I so find one, will be a lot different, I want to make this special woman happy, as she makes me happy. And it just can’t be in real life; it has to be all over in that relationship. Both have to be flexible, and both have to communicate with each other all the time, and in the bedroom or out in life common courtesy is just what has to be done.

That’s my two cents worth, and hope you all have a good day, I’m off to wander the halls of Lit.

 

[sunandshadow]

Isn't this just reverse psychology? It's a normal and common part of human psychology. Has to do with defending one's assertiveness/independence/dominance: if you do what other people want you to do that is like being obedient or submissive to them and makes them think you'll always do what they want. You have to argue to prove that you do what you want, not what anyone else wants.

 

[helix27]

Shayol your example isn't really in the same ball park that I am thinking... although the

Sometimes I get irritated if i get a praice for doing something as well...

comment is true for me though, and pretty close to being right on to what i am talking about. maybe thats it! maybe the reluctance is because of what you said. Or just more open thought that i am typing out before i lose it....(the thought not my mind) i always seem to umm do reallly well on dates. problem is that like i said i usually have no problem getting them interested in a second date or more... although the problem is i think psychologically i am always worried about getting tied down to quickly without knowing for sure if i in fact like them enough for that. see that has been the case more then a few times. course thats the same for pretty much anyone so thats most likely a pointless comment. anyway they fall for me a little more or early then i am ready for... reason for this whole explanation is that i know i do in fact try to not allow them to become too attached early if that makes sense. so maybe the uneasy feeling that i get when doing something that i know they want is that "is this going to make them a little too attached" i don't know sounds a little crazy and a little chauvinistic maybe. sorry if it comes across that way. also sorry for the random typing with out sentence structure and caps... i type that way when my brain is just puking thoughts out. oh, but dont get me wrong i very much DO want to be attached to someone.. honestly more then anything. i just know what i want and i have become fairly picky and i just dont like being somewhere that i dont think is going to be real and long term. been stuck in ones that i knew in my heart and mind that it was not for me too many times. i usually let them go a little longer in these situations then i should. wow thats a lot of crap there heh.

thebarber69 not really in the ball par that I was thinking either. Actually in a relationship I will do more of the type of things you mentioned then I would do for myself while single. Actually a girlfriend comes to mind that used to get irritated with me when I would come home from work and pick up around the apt. Was her place first and I pretty much moved in. So she woudl kinda take it personal that I would clean up things around the apt that were from her son or her. I figured it was something I could do to help out and honestly I did it with out even thinking. It ended up working out.

sunandshadow thinking your in the same ball park and barber.

I thinking more of dating or on dates. I thinking chicklet and the quote from above for the most part, is the closest. Trying to figure out what it is and why. Not really anything that ever gets in the way, but just something I want to understand, why. know what i mean??

 

[rachelqueenT]

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[helix27]

all two cents are welcome!! anyway yea, that may be part of it. but i'm not sure. although your two words are probably right on. although if i start dating again i will most likely have a lot of that. seems like it has been a lot longer then it has. only really been a year and a half. well i have been on a couple i guess you would call them dates since them but i dont really think they count.

on a side note does anyone else hate the use of "prolly"? i know i use it sometimes but the more i do, the more i hate it. (course this coming from someone who generally doesn't use caps.)

 

[rachelqueenT]

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