Social anxiety

[cosmocreamer]

This is a question that's been on my mind for ages, and I just thought why not post it here for some feedback.

I'm a fairly quiet guy and I used to be comfortable with this fact, but the past couple of years I've found it a struggle to socialize. I've actually become completely withdrawn. What I find difficult is being surrounded by people who like to cram together like sardines in a can when socializing. It sort of makes me anxious when I can hear all these different conversations going on around me, and music blaring too, so I can't really hear what people are saying. So I tend to stand back a bit and not crowd around my friends.

The trouble is that by standing away from groups I can seem a bit anti-social and aloof when I'm actually eager to talk to people and enjoy their company. I must be fairly approachable because I'll often have strangers strike up a conversation with me. But the fact I've had people ask me if I'm ok and have given me the odd funny look when I don't socialize "sardine style" has made me think that this is a problem.

Just wondered if anyone can relate to this or has overcome this.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm a fairly quiet guy and I used to be comfortable with this fact, but the past couple of years I've found it a struggle to socialize. I've actually become completely withdrawn.

What do you mean by this? Do you have trouble socializing in smaller groups or different situations? Have you withdrawn from friends and family, other social situations, or are you just withdrawn when there are tons of people around?

What I find difficult is being surrounded by people who like to cram together like sardines in a can when socializing. It sort of makes me anxious when I can hear all these different conversations going on around me, and music blaring too, so I can't really hear what people are saying. So I tend to stand back a bit and not crowd around my friends.

The trouble is that by standing away from groups I can seem a bit anti-social and aloof when I'm actually eager to talk to people and enjoy their company. I must be fairly approachable because I'll often have strangers strike up a conversation with me. But the fact I've had people ask me if I'm ok and have given me the odd funny look when I don't socialize "sardine style" has made me think that this is a problem.

Just wondered if anyone can relate to this or has overcome this.

Oh yeah, I can totally relate to just about all of that! With lots of people, or even a larger group, I've always been more of a listener and observer than a talker. I'm much more comfortable and extroverted one-on-one or in a small group.

Do you have to socialize "sardine style" a lot, or can you limit those situations if you want to?

Have you tried forcing yourself to strike up conversations, perhaps even with others who are on the fringes of the larger group?

Are you making sure your body language says you're enjoying yourself, open to interaction and part of the group? For instance, are you smiling, keeping your arms and legs uncrossed, making eye contact, etc.?

Is this really a problem for you, especially since people often approach you? Is it having a negative impact on your life? Is it possible you're too concerned with appearances or what other people might think in these situations?

Are your friends giving you the funny looks and asking if you're OK? If so, have you explained that you're having fun unless you say otherwise, and you're just more comfortable socializing in smaller groups/quieter environments? I'd imagine your friends would understand and value this.

What is the issue stemming from in your mind? For instance, if it might be a matter of confidence or self-esteem, have you tried addressing that?

This is a great topic that I suspect many of us can identify with, and I'm sure you'll get tons of great input here!

 

[cosmocreamer]

Hi SweetErika and thankyou for replying

I tend to be in my element in a smaller group or one on one. For example, I'm still comfortable going for a meal with friends or family but what I have withdrawn from is my regular social life - going for a drink with my friends on a saturday night.

I live in a rural area so most of my opportunities to socialize are in small pubs/bars which can get crowded. Often it seems that everyone is in a tight group and I've often felt there's no point me being there - even with my closest friends.

Body language - I'm working on this! This is something I've had comments on from friends as well as strangers - I sometimes look agitated. When I'm feeling comfortable, eye contact is not a problem.

My anxiety is definately having a negative impact on my life because of lack of social life and of course opportunities to meet and date women. This is making me unhappy.

Deep down it's a confidence issue. But maybe there's an element of learned helplessness in there too i.e. I've tried so many times but gotten nowhere.

Thanks again for your input - it's really appreciated!

 

[blueberree]

Or perhaps, crowds just aren't your thing

I realize that from what you've described, crowding into a pub sounds like it's the way your friends enjoy spending their time and to spend time with your friends, you go along. And it sounds like you are saying that you've always felt this way, but that in the past couple of years your tolerance for the crowds has diminished even more to the point that your desire to escape is written all over your face.

I don't know if that is social anxiety or more a realization that your personal preferences don't match up with the preferences of your friends. That you are happiest in smaller groups and one on one conversation doesn't seem like a social flaw, but rather a personality trait.

You may just have a wider sense of personal space than others. And also you might enjoy the opportunities for full attention that smaller gatherings provide. In crowds people tend to be more easily distracted. They interrupt more. They listen less. If you are by nature, a bit more introverted, these things matter and make for a less enjoyable experience.

Being introverted isn't a sentence that means you will be a hermit. It just means that you should honor what your anxiety is telling you and step back a bit and interact at a distance that is more comfortable.

 

[voltigeur]

I to can relate I’m having the same issue but a little more advanced. Keep socializing however if you are more uncomfortable in bars then seek other types of socializing. Being in a rural area may limit your options but I find I’m best in smaller situations with people of common interest. Weird as it may seem the best way to meet girls is to not be trying to meet girls.

My issue is even though I live in a large city I really don’t like it here. I feel like a cultural orphan and I’m not politically aligned with this region. I just don’t go out cause I just don’t like being out. An hour of running errands and I’m in a foul mood and ready to get home. I just get tired of the selfishness and people who don’t pay attention to anything around them.

It is now becoming an issue with my G/F. I love being out in the wilderness and recent health issues have kept me in the city for the last year. I now have no passion or interest in anything period. She always thinks it is her but it is not. Every time I try to explain it she takes it as she is doing something wrong so I just don’t say anything. That seems to cause as many problems as explaining it.

Reading your post I can say keep getting out there. It gets worse if you withdraw, but find those situations that play to your strengths.

 

[cosmocreamer]

I realize that from what you've described, crowding into a pub sounds like it's the way your friends enjoy spending their time and to spend time with your friends, you go along. And it sounds like you are saying that you've always felt this way, but that in the past couple of years your tolerance for the crowds has diminished even more to the point that your desire to escape is written all over your face.

I don't know if that is social anxiety or more a realization that your personal preferences don't match up with the preferences of your friends. That you are happiest in smaller groups and one on one conversation doesn't seem like a social flaw, but rather a personality trait.

You may just have a wider sense of personal space than others. And also you might enjoy the opportunities for full attention that smaller gatherings provide. In crowds people tend to be more easily distracted. They interrupt more. They listen less. If you are by nature, a bit more introverted, these things matter and make for a less enjoyable experience.

Being introverted isn't a sentence that means you will be a hermit. It just means that you should honor what your anxiety is telling you and step back a bit and interact at a distance that is more comfortable.

Thanks for that input blueberree. I had not thought of it that way at all before your reply! It's true, my friends love crowded pubs/bars whilst I prefer more space around me. You could be right - I should just accept what my emotions are telling me.

I've suspected that going out to bars and clubs is not the ideal way for me to meet women so decided to look at online dating but then I think how attractive is a guy going to be if he is not keen on pubs/clubs? I find 90% of people love to socialize in these places (at least in the UK) so I sort of feel I need to get over the anxiety too.

 

[cosmocreamer]

I to can relate I’m having the same issue but a little more advanced. Keep socializing however if you are more uncomfortable in bars then seek other types of socializing. Being in a rural area may limit your options but I find I’m best in smaller situations with people of common interest. Weird as it may seem the best way to meet girls is to not be trying to meet girls.

My issue is even though I live in a large city I really don’t like it here. I feel like a cultural orphan and I’m not politically aligned with this region. I just don’t go out cause I just don’t like being out. An hour of running errands and I’m in a foul mood and ready to get home. I just get tired of the selfishness and people who don’t pay attention to anything around them.

It is now becoming an issue with my G/F. I love being out in the wilderness and recent health issues have kept me in the city for the last year. I now have no passion or interest in anything period. She always thinks it is her but it is not. Every time I try to explain it she takes it as she is doing something wrong so I just don’t say anything. That seems to cause as many problems as explaining it.

Reading your post I can say keep getting out there. It gets worse if you withdraw, but find those situations that play to your strengths.

I agree I've made things worse for myself by withdrawing. And I love the idea of not going out of my way to meet girls - just focus on doing things I love doing.
I think I need to strike a balance between meeting friends for a quiet drink so I'm at least facing the anxiety to some degree, and finding another avenue for meeting more women.

Thanks voltigeur.

 

[blueberree]

Bars and pubs

Thanks for that input blueberree. I had not thought of it that way at all before your reply! It's true, my friends love crowded pubs/bars whilst I prefer more space around me. You could be right - I should just accept what my emotions are telling me.

I've suspected that going out to bars and clubs is not the ideal way for me to meet women so decided to look at online dating but then I think how attractive is a guy going to be if he is not keen on pubs/clubs? I find 90% of people love to socialize in these places (at least in the UK) so I sort of feel I need to get over the anxiety too.

It could also be a factor of your age. If you are in your 20s, it is likely THE way people socialize. That does change eventually, if that's any comfort.

I bet there are lots of people who think the same as you. On line dating might be the way to find a comparable spirit!

On the other hand, it's also good to experiment with ways to make the experience more enjoyable for yourself. When I was in my 20s I hated going to bars. While in college, it was the place to go dancing, hear what ever local bands were playing and dance with drunk people. It was the trifecta of unpleasantry for me.

Things changed and now my friends and I enjoy other social events together on a far smaller scale. Good luck.

 

[shiny5437]

I don't really have any advice but I can totally understand where you're coming from. I personally hate going out to crowded bars where it's really noisey. They're just geared into making people drink as opposed to creating a decent social opportunity. It seems to be very much a UK thing as in other countries I've been to things seem a lot more conducive to being social.

I certainly wouldn't be labelling myself as having a problem, rather than it being a problem with the environment. Plus I wonder how much people who do go to these sorts of bars regularly get out of it. It certainly doesn't seem like a decent way to pick up women.

Good luck!

 

[cosmocreamer]

Thanks blueberree,
I can see how things do start to change as you get older. I'm thirtyone and many of my friends are getting settled down but it's still the pub they crowd towards for an evening out! It's the default place to go in the UK. But I'm comforted by the fact there are women out there who are open to different ways of socializing.

shiny5437, I'm glad I'm not the only one!

 

[canorris420]

This is a question that's been on my mind for ages, and I just thought why not post it here for some feedback.

I'm a fairly quiet guy and I used to be comfortable with this fact, but the past couple of years I've found it a struggle to socialize. I've actually become completely withdrawn. What I find difficult is being surrounded by people who like to cram together like sardines in a can when socializing. It sort of makes me anxious when I can hear all these different conversations going on around me, and music blaring too, so I can't really hear what people are saying. So I tend to stand back a bit and not crowd around my friends.

The trouble is that by standing away from groups I can seem a bit anti-social and aloof when I'm actually eager to talk to people and enjoy their company. I must be fairly approachable because I'll often have strangers strike up a conversation with me. But the fact I've had people ask me if I'm ok and have given me the odd funny look when I don't socialize "sardine style" has made me think that this is a problem.

Just wondered if anyone can relate to this or has overcome this.

I know exactly how you feel. I'm 25 and in exactly the same situation. I get highly nervous in "close quarters" social gatherings, and find that lots of conversation and music just meshes into one. The whole evening becomes a struggle of trying to hear what people are saying and even getting them to repeat themselves numerous times. After a while, I start to feel stupid an make a weak excuse to leave with my girlfriend.

I'll admit, I can be somewhat cantankerous, but luckily I was able to explain to my friends my problem (exacerbated by only having maybe 65% full hearing in 1 ear), and they were cool with it.

Now we tend to have smaller, quieter gatherings which allow me to...come to the fore, if you will. It's allowed me to establish my personality among the group (that of a grumpy comedian), which is a huge relief. I will go to larger gatherings once in a while, but it's understood that half the time I can't hear, and much prefer to just sit back and try to listen to conversations.

Still, I hope that whatever you try works for you. Good luck!

 

[phillyinjun]

I can relate. I used to get so nervous in groups but over time I have grown out of bit. I don't know that it was one thing, but it was a combination of (that I know of) : insecurities, pride, low self esteem, etc. I find myself listening a lot more, looking for the odd one out to talk to... Generally, not feeling needy or needing to be the center of attention.

Funny, I am getting asked to speak to groups of people now, quite frankly a terrifying proposition for someone with my background in social situations.

 

[shiny5437]

One more thing: if you put your finger in your ear when someone's trying to talk to you it helps filter out the background noise and focus on what they're saying.

 

[ps123456]

Thanks for that input blueberree. I had not thought of it that way at all before your reply! It's true, my friends love crowded pubs/bars whilst I prefer more space around me. You could be right - I should just accept what my emotions are telling me.

I've suspected that going out to bars and clubs is not the ideal way for me to meet women so decided to look at online dating but then I think how attractive is a guy going to be if he is not keen on pubs/clubs? I find 90% of people love to socialize in these places (at least in the UK) so I sort of feel I need to get over the anxiety too.

Hey cosmocreamer (cool name btw). I totally understand where you're coming from. I think that perhaps you're blending a few issues into one problem.

Noisy bars/clubs: It's just no fun having to shout in someone's ear. You're right that the drinking scene is the socialising scene here in the UK, but there are lots of flavour of different types of bar. Where I live, a lot of hip bars are oriented towards the 30something crowd without the overly loud music. If you're limited for choice, can you try a different bar with quieter music? Or perhaps a bar with a quiet area, or a bar with a beer garden or outside area? I bet most of your 30s friends don't want to aggrevate their tinitus any further either

Women: Lots of people meet online these days. Even before they did, people met at work, at clubs, college classes. When you go on dates, choosing one of those hip 30somethings bar or restuarants will make a much better impression than a bar playing electronic dance music you can hear 5 miles away full of people in track suits

Being in medium-large groups/especially with people you don't know: Now this is where I really relate. By talking less or hardly at all, I worry I appear stuck-up, or just too stupid to join in on any conversation. I feel a pressure to say only funny things which tends to make me say less. I think I suffer from lack of common interests with most people - football or rock music are good areas with most people, for example but are things I know nothing about, whereas my interests are quite in depth in a few areas. The worst thing is that I start off attempting to converse, but after a while I soon, not consciously I slip into silence and just listen not even making an attempt to contribute....

Apologies that I've not offererd any answers on that last point, but maybe a bit of breaking things down might stimulate the conversation

 

[Christopher2012]

Yep, I have very bad social anxiety. What's funny is that I have no problems talking in front of people. I can give amazing presentations all day long. I get nervous, but not to the point where it inhibits my ability.

But put me amongst the crowd and I want to be as far away ASAP. We had a formal banquet one night at my school. It's a really big deal, and I spent a lot of money on really nice clothes. I took a Xanax, hoping that would help, but uhh... yeah I was there for about 30 minutes before walking out. People asked me later what happened, and I just gave them some weird excuse.

I'm not sure why I'm socially anxious, but my theory is that I've felt rejection on a more subtle level all throughout my high school years. I think that feeling along with being immature has lead me to this solo-lifestyle.

I'm trying to fix it. My #1 goal is to mature emotionally. I'm that guy that overcompensates his problems with being that jokester. And so peers hardly take me seriously. And this too is something I can't put my finger on. I'm not really sure why I'm like that.

So basically, my life is a tangled mess. Unlike some people with SA, I'm fortunate enough that my academic achievements haven't been affected too much from SA. So, I still actually see people on a day-to-day basis. And other than some small issues, it doesn't really affect work, either. But I have pretty much zero friends, I play videogames on my free time, I live with my parents (school = $$$), and I spend a lot of time on forums like this one. I just recently deleted Facebook, so that was definitely a step in the right direction...

Basically, I'm just saying that I feel your pain. The only advice I can offer you is just to find the source of the problem and attempt to beat it. Otherwise, you may be living like this for the rest of your life.

BTW, people mentioned online dating. A woman will not solve your problems. Actually, having a woman + having SA creates a whole new world of problems. I'd get yourself in check before worrying about dating. Here's the way I look at it: If I must lean on online dating to get a woman, then I'm not in the place I need to be. I need to have the ability to speak with a woman out and about. Hiding behind the computer is a recipe for disaster.

 

[BertrandRussell]

You're not alone. I could have written that post myself. As Shiny said, you are not fucked up, the environment is. IMHO, no normal person would voluntarily subject himself to a social environment in which excess noise renders all but the simplest communication impossible.

Y... If I must lean on online dating to get a woman, then I'm not in the place I need to be. I need to have the ability to speak with a woman out and about. Hiding behind the computer is a recipe for disaster.

I disagree with this 100%. Dating is mostly a one-on-one experience, and you say you do ok in that environment. So you are ready, and IMHO, healthy.

Meeting online was absolutely not a disaster for me. I met lots of good people and married one of them. That was 4+ years ago and I've never been happier.

 

[cosmocreamer]

Yep, I have very bad social anxiety. What's funny is that I have no problems talking in front of people. I can give amazing presentations all day long. I get nervous, but not to the point where it inhibits my ability.

But put me amongst the crowd and I want to be as far away ASAP. We had a formal banquet one night at my school. It's a really big deal, and I spent a lot of money on really nice clothes. I took a Xanax, hoping that would help, but uhh... yeah I was there for about 30 minutes before walking out. People asked me later what happened, and I just gave them some weird excuse.

I'm not sure why I'm socially anxious, but my theory is that I've felt rejection on a more subtle level all throughout my high school years. I think that feeling along with being immature has lead me to this solo-lifestyle.

I'm trying to fix it. My #1 goal is to mature emotionally. I'm that guy that overcompensates his problems with being that jokester. And so peers hardly take me seriously. And this too is something I can't put my finger on. I'm not really sure why I'm like that.

So basically, my life is a tangled mess. Unlike some people with SA, I'm fortunate enough that my academic achievements haven't been affected too much from SA. So, I still actually see people on a day-to-day basis. And other than some small issues, it doesn't really affect work, either. But I have pretty much zero friends, I play videogames on my free time, I live with my parents (school = $$$), and I spend a lot of time on forums like this one. I just recently deleted Facebook, so that was definitely a step in the right direction...

Basically, I'm just saying that I feel your pain. The only advice I can offer you is just to find the source of the problem and attempt to beat it. Otherwise, you may be living like this for the rest of your life.

BTW, people mentioned online dating. A woman will not solve your problems. Actually, having a woman + having SA creates a whole new world of problems. I'd get yourself in check before worrying about dating. Here's the way I look at it: If I must lean on online dating to get a woman, then I'm not in the place I need to be. I need to have the ability to speak with a woman out and about. Hiding behind the computer is a recipe for disaster.

I know where you're coming from and agree that having a girlfriend whilst still struggling with anxiety could be a disaster. However, I'm not so much leaning on online dating to find a woman because to be honest, talking to women is not really a problem for me - it's the social environment that I'm stuck with for the time being that makes being social difficult.

 

[silverwhisper]

cosmocreamer, you've gotten some very good advice already. i'm not much older than you, but if you're living on your own, i don't think there's anything wrong with having a few friends over and enjoying a few drinks in the privacy & quiet of your or a friend's residence. as has been stated, everyone's preferences in how they socialize differ.

me, i've never been much of one for crowds: small groups is where i tend to feel most comfortable, most able to follow & enjoy the conversation going on around me.

or maybe, you and your friends should get together at a restaurant instead? they're generally quieter than a pub, but very often do have a liquor license, no?

ed

 

[cosmocreamer]

You're not alone. I could have written that post myself. As Shiny said, you are not fucked up, the environment is. IMHO, no normal person would voluntarily subject himself to a social environment in which excess noise renders all but the simplest communication impossible.



I disagree with this 100%. Dating is mostly a one-on-one experience, and you say you do ok in that environment. So you are ready, and IMHO, healthy.

Meeting online was absolutely not a disaster for me. I met lots of good people and married one of them. That was 4+ years ago and I've never been happier.

Thankyou that's good to hear!
I'm glad you picked up on the environment being a big part of the problem. I'm actually ok in a noisy, crowded environment, such as a gig or festival. But for some reason society decided that the best way to interact is to cram together in a small space, talk across each other, and have a rave at the same time...lol! It's that sensory overload that makes me uncomfortable.

 

[cosmocreamer]

cosmocreamer, you've gotten some very good advice already. i'm not much older than you, but if you're living on your own, i don't think there's anything wrong with having a few friends over and enjoying a few drinks in the privacy & quiet of your or a friend's residence. as has been stated, everyone's preferences in how they socialize differ.

me, i've never been much of one for crowds: small groups is where i tend to feel most comfortable, most able to follow & enjoy the conversation going on around me.

or maybe, you and your friends should get together at a restaurant instead? they're generally quieter than a pub, but very often do have a liquor license, no?

ed

Yes, that is something I'm seriously considering trying to do more often. Or just meeting up with my friends for a couple of beers when it's a quiet evening in town - just to stay connected with them.

 

[cosmocreamer]

Just wanted to thank everyone for their input so far

I feel a lot better having got it off my chest here. And it's nice to see I'm not alone in preferring quieter places to socialize and that it's ok to have that preference.

I'm just going to try and make lots of small changes to my life this year and see how things pan out. For example, go for a couple of beers with my friends when it's quiet (or at home) and try to be more proactive - ask if they fancy going to the cinema or for a walk... that sort of thing. That way I'm staying in contact with them.

And for my holiday this year instead of tagging along with friends on a drinking adventure somewhere I'm looking at going alone on an adventure holiday where you can travel with a small group of like minded people.

And once I'm feeling a bit better in myself I'm going to give online dating a serious try!

 

[shiny5437]

Chipping in again. I can definitely recommend having a solo holiday. As most of my friends are coupled up I didn't have any holiday buddies so avoided going away. However last year I plucked up the courage and went youth hosteling in Europe , had an amazing time and met lots of new people, lots of whom were travelling on their own. Was the best thing I've done in ages and would recommend it to everyone.

 

[cosmocreamer]

Glad a solo holiday worked out for you shiny!