Speach in stories

[MrReos]

I've written about 20 stories now and most have just been published with a few earlier ones being rejected for various reasons. However my first story keeps being rejected due to not formatting direct speach correctly and pointing me to the essay about using direct speach in stories. I have ended up removing direct speach from most of my stories because I cannot work out what I am doing that is not the same as what is being asked.

This is about the 5th? rewrite of the opening chapter of the story so not exactly what was returned as I have made a few tweaks but:


Heidi was sipping her coffee in the kitchen when her daughter Laura walked in

"Mum, what exactly does goes on at your parties.", Laura asked.

Puzzled, Heidi looked at her, "Laura, you know what goes on".

"Mum, I really don't. Do you all just strip off and fuck whoever you like?"

Heidi wasn't sure why Laura was asking, "Laura, You've known about our parties since you were little and you've never asked before. What's changed?".

"Mum. I'm an adult now and you know I'm not a virgin! It was you who took me to get contraception. I've split up with my boyfriend as he was only concerned with getting off himself and wasn't bothered about making me feel good. I really want to know about the parties", Laura pleaded.


further direct speach


Everyone in the room stopped and stared at her new outfit. Laura skipped over to Mike and stood in front of him. "Happy Birthday, uncle Mike" she said in a joyful voice although she hadn't called him uncle for years.

Mike's jaw dropped and Melanie smiled. "Well Mike, it looks like you have a present to unwrap."


and later


Although she hadn't actually known that it was his birthday she responded telling him, "How could I miss my favourite uncles special day. Are you going to fuck me?".

Mike responded, "Oh yes my darling girl, I would love nothing more than to fuck you. Tell me, are you a virgin?"

Laura explained that she wasn't but her useless ex boyfriend had a really tiny cock and lasted less than a minute both times they tried.


I don't want to have to send all my stories to an editor to look at as I would rather just understand what I am doing wrong.

Can anyone explain where I am going wrong?

Thanks.

 

[Lumiere_Amie]

Punctuation goes inside the quotes.

.”. should be .” same with ?”. It should just be?”

 

[PennyThompson]

@FrancesScott's How To Punctuate Dialog is a good guide for solving this exact problem!

But Lumiere is right, your story is getting rejected because your dialog punctuation is completely inconsistent.

"Mum, I really don't. Do you all just strip off and fuck whoever you like?"

This one is totally fine. Single piece of dialog as it's own paragraph, just use normal punctuation and put it all between the quotation marks.

"Mum, what exactly does goes on at your parties.", Laura asked.

This is wrong, if the dialog is followed by a dialog tag (Laura asked) then you end the dialog sentence with a comma followed by the closing quote. No period, no comma following the quotation mark.

"Mum, what exactly does go on at your parties," Laura asked.
Puzzled, Heidi looked at her, "Laura, you know what goes on".

If you're ending the paragraph with the dialog, you end with the quotation mark, not the punctuation.

Puzzled, Heidi looked at her. "Laura, you know what goes on."

 

[AllenWoody]

Also, this isn't one sentence.

Heidi wasn't sure why Laura was asking, "Laura, You've known about our parties since you were little and you've never asked before. What's changed?".

It should be: Heidi wasn't sure why Laura was asking. "Laura, you've known about our parties since you were little and you've never asked before. What's changed?"

 

[Writer61]

pointing me to the essay about using direct speach in stories

Did you read it?

 

[Writer61]

Heidi was sipping her coffee in the kitchen when her daughter Laura walked in

Needs a full stop.

"Mum, what exactly does goes on at your parties.", Laura asked.

? after parties. No comma. + 'does goes' is wrong.

Puzzled, Heidi looked at her, "Laura, you know what goes on".

Full stop after her.

"Mum, I really don't. Do you all just strip off and fuck whoever you like?"

This is OK.

Heidi wasn't sure why Laura was asking, "Laura, You've known about our parties since you were little and you've never asked before. What's changed?".

Full stop after asking, none at the end + a comma after little.

"Mum. I'm an adult now and you know I'm not a virgin! It was you who took me to get contraception. I've split up with my boyfriend as he was only concerned with getting off himself and wasn't bothered about making me feel good. I really want to know about the parties", Laura pleaded.

Comma after panties should be inside the closing quotation mark. Debatable whether it should be a full stop.

 

[IWroteThis]

Here's my suggested rewrites. It's a bit more than just dialogue punctuation, but much less than a full edit.

Heidi was sipping her coffee in the kitchen when her daughter Laura walked in

"Mum, what exactly does goes on at your parties.", Laura asked.

Puzzled, Heidi looked at her, "Laura, you know what goes on".

"Mum, I really don't. Do you all just strip off and fuck whoever you like?"

Heidi wasn't sure why Laura was asking, "Laura, You've known about our parties since you were little and you've never asked before. What's changed?".

"Mum. I'm an adult now and you know I'm not a virgin! It was you who took me to get contraception. I've split up with my boyfriend as he was only concerned with getting off himself and wasn't bothered about making me feel good. I really want to know about the parties", Laura pleaded.

Heidi was sipping her coffee in the kitchen when her daughter Laura walked in.

"Mum," Laura asked, "what exactly goes on at your parties?"

Puzzled, Heidi looked at her. "Laura, you know what goes on."

"Mum, I really don't. Do you all just strip off and fuck whoever you like?"

Heidi wasn't sure why Laura was asking. "Laura, you've know about our parties since you were little and you've never asked before. What's changed?"

"Mum, I'm an adult now and you know I'm not a virgin! It was you who took me to get contraception. I've split up with my boyfriend as he was only concerned with getting off himself, and he wasn't bothered about making me feel good. I really want to know about the parties," Laura pleaded.

Everyone in the room stopped and stared at her new outfit. Laura skipped over to Mike and stood in front of him. "Happy Birthday, uncle Mike" she said in a joyful voice although she hadn't called him uncle for years.

Mike's jaw dropped and Melanie smiled. "Well Mike, it looks like you have a present to unwrap."

Everyone in the room stopped and stared at her new outfit. Laura skipped over to Mike and stood in front of him. "Happy birthday, Uncle Mike," she said in a joyful voice, although she hadn't called him uncle for years.

Mike's jaw dropped and Melanie smiled. "Well, Mike, it looks like you have a present to unwrap."

Although she hadn't actually known that it was his birthday she responded telling him, "How could I miss my favourite uncles special day. Are you going to fuck me?".

Mike responded, "Oh yes my darling girl, I would love nothing more than to fuck you. Tell me, are you a virgin?"

Laura explained that she wasn't but her useless ex boyfriend had a really tiny cock and lasted less than a minute both times they tried.

Although she hadn't actually know that it was his birthday, she responded, telling him, "How could I miss my favorite uncle's special day. Are you going to fuck me?"

Mike responded, "Oh yes my darling girl, I would love nothing more than to fuck you. Tell me, are you a virgin?"

"I'm not," Laura explained, "but my useless ex-boyfriend had a really tiny cock and lasted less than a minute both times we tried."

 

[spiralholly]

Also, I know the word 'speech' is derived from 'speak', but it really doesn't use the letter 'a'.

 

[FrancesScott]

@FrancesScott's How To Punctuate Dialog is a good guide for solving this exact problem!

But Lumiere is right, your story is getting rejected because your dialog punctuation is completely inconsistent.

"Mum, I really don't. Do you all just strip off and fuck whoever you like?"

This one is totally fine. Single piece of dialog as it's own paragraph, just use normal punctuation and put it all between the quotation marks.

"Mum, what exactly does goes on at your parties.", Laura asked.

This is wrong, if the dialog is followed by a dialog tag (Laura asked) then you end the dialog sentence with a comma followed by the closing quote. No period, no comma following the quotation mark.

"Mum, what exactly does go on at your parties," Laura asked.
Puzzled, Heidi looked at her, "Laura, you know what goes on".

If you're ending the paragraph with the dialog, you end with the quotation mark, not the punctuation.

Puzzled, Heidi looked at her. "Laura, you know what goes on."

Thank you for mentioning my essay.

 

[SkyBubble]

Heidi was sipping her coffee in the kitchen when her daughter Laura walked in (Should hve a period at the end.)

"Mum, what exactly does goes on at your parties.", Laura asked. (Take out the period after parties. Put the comma inside the quotes.)

Puzzled, Heidi looked at her, "Laura, you know what goes on". (Put the period inside the quotes.)

"Mum, I really don't. Do you all just strip off and fuck whoever you like?"

Heidi wasn't sure why Laura was asking, "Laura, You've known about our parties since you were little and you've never asked before. What's changed?". (Should have a period after asking. Not a comma. Small y, not capital.)

"Mum. I'm an adult now and you know I'm not a virgin! It was you who took me to get contraception. I've split up with my boyfriend as he was only concerned with getting off himself and wasn't bothered about making me feel good. I really want to know about the parties", Laura pleaded. (The period after Mum is acceptable, but Lit would probably expect a comma. The comma after parties should go inside the quotation marks.)

I would be happy to work with you on this.

 

[jsmiam]

The Strunk “elements of style” is amazingly short, concise, good, and easy to read and understand. Way ahead of its time, it was good for internet attention span people over 100 years ago.

It’s also so old there are free copies of it all over the internet.

Read the few pages on dialog. Then keep reading.

 

[FromManyOne]

Read the few pages on dialog. Then keep reading.

Here's an even easier prescription:

Read some fiction with dialog in it. @EmilyMiller or @ElectricBlue or Ann Douglas or ....

Or, you know, non-smut writers. Almost any commercially-published book will have correct dialogue formatting. Read something you enjoy reading. Notice the dialogue. Enjoy yourself.

Note: I violate the Strunk rules occasionally, but I do it consciously and sparingly.

 

[StillStunned]

Can anyone explain where I am going wrong?

Laurel won't reject your stories because of it, but your dialogue will sound much more natural if your characters don't call each other by name all the time. People don't talk like that in real life, and you don't need it to indicate who's talking to who.

 

[TheLobster]

Also, I know the word 'speech' is derived from 'speak', but it really doesn't use the letter 'a'.

S

 

[MrReos]

Thanks everyone. I did read the essay about direct speech but I wasn't sure what I was doing wrong and it is more than 40 years since I wrote anything with a lot of direct speech in it so I'm rather out of practice. My other 17 stories avoid it but have been doing quite well. I will look at the story again with the suggestions and the fixes. Thanks

 

[MrReos]

Also anyone know how long an "-EDITED" change takes? I submitted one as three words needed changing and it's been about 5 days already.

 

[StillStunned]

Also anyone know how long an "-EDITED" change takes? I submitted one as three words needed changing and it's been about 5 days already.

Count on about a month for it to be approved, and several more days for the edit to be processed.

 

[MrReos]

@FrancesScott's How To Punctuate Dialog is a good guide for solving this exact problem!

But Lumiere is right, your story is getting rejected because your dialog punctuation is completely inconsistent.

"Mum, I really don't. Do you all just strip off and fuck whoever you like?"

This one is totally fine. Single piece of dialog as it's own paragraph, just use normal punctuation and put it all between the quotation marks.

"Mum, what exactly does goes on at your parties.", Laura asked.

This is wrong, if the dialog is followed by a dialog tag (Laura asked) then you end the dialog sentence with a comma followed by the closing quote. No period, no comma following the quotation mark.

"Mum, what exactly does go on at your parties," Laura asked.
Puzzled, Heidi looked at her, "Laura, you know what goes on".

If you're ending the paragraph with the dialog, you end with the quotation mark, not the punctuation.

Puzzled, Heidi looked at her. "Laura, you know what goes on."

Thank you. I will have a look at that link. Direct speech is a problem for me as I have not written any stories or similar in 40 years and don't remember the rules. When I read other work it flows but I am not analysing it for it's composition so it isn't sticking. I'm looked at what everyone has said and there are quite a few things I just didn't know. I've litereally just finished completely reviewing the entire story again.

 

[anthrodisiac]

Thanks everyone. I did read the essay about direct speech but I wasn't sure what I was doing wrong and it is more than 40 years since I wrote anything with a lot of direct speech in it so I'm rather out of practice. My other 17 stories avoid it but have been doing quite well. I will look at the story again with the suggestions and the fixes. Thanks

You can also go to the Editors Forum and see if there are any volunteer editors who would be willing to take a look at your story.

 

[MrReos]

Heidi was sipping her coffee in the kitchen when her daughter Laura walked in (Should hve a period at the end.)

"Mum, what exactly does goes on at your parties.", Laura asked. (Take out the period after parties. Put the comma inside the quotes.)

Puzzled, Heidi looked at her, "Laura, you know what goes on". (Put the period inside the quotes.)

"Mum, I really don't. Do you all just strip off and fuck whoever you like?"

Heidi wasn't sure why Laura was asking, "Laura, You've known about our parties since you were little and you've never asked before. What's changed?". (Should have a period after asking. Not a comma. Small y, not capital.)

"Mum. I'm an adult now and you know I'm not a virgin! It was you who took me to get contraception. I've split up with my boyfriend as he was only concerned with getting off himself and wasn't bothered about making me feel good. I really want to know about the parties", Laura pleaded. (The period after Mum is acceptable, but Lit would probably expect a comma. The comma after parties should go inside the quotation marks.)

I would be happy to work with you on this.

Thank you for your offer. I have re-written it now based on your suggestions and those of others. I will try submitting it again but if it is rejected I would really appreciate the offer.

 

[MrReos]

Count on about a month for it to be approved, and several more days for the edit to be processed.

I'm surprised it takes longer than submitting a story. I was just trying to stop multiple messages telling me that a name changed part way through the story...... Not sure how I missed that one!

 

[MrReos]

Thanks, once again.

I will post a link when it goes live and if anyone spots anything else then please feel free to tell me. I have rewritten it but may well have missed things and I genuinely want to learn this aspect so that I can make use of it in future stories. After getting several rejected at the start I rewrote them removing the direct speech but direct speech does help a story and I wanted to fix it rather than avoid it.

 

[anthrodisiac]

Thanks, once again.

I will post a link when it goes live and if anyone spots anything else then please feel free to tell me. I have rewritten it but may well have missed things and I genuinely want to learn this aspect so that I can make use of it in future stories. After getting several rejected at the start I rewrote them removing the direct speech but direct speech does help a story and I wanted to fix it rather than avoid it.

Dialogue is definitely a good way to help a reader connect more with the story. It's definitely worth learning how to do. You've been given pretty much everything you need just in the responses, and between that and Frances's essay, you should be golden Good luck!

 

[Voboy]

I'm surprised it takes longer than submitting a story. I was just trying to stop multiple messages telling me that a name changed part way through the story...... Not sure how I missed that one!

Many recent threads ask/complain about the time it takes to process edits.

Most of the replies from more experienced writers are that the solution is to make sure your stuff's clean the first time, to avoid losing that time. Good luck with your stories!

 

[Writer61]

I'm surprised it takes longer than submitting a story. I was just trying to stop multiple messages telling me that a name changed part way through the story...... Not sure how I missed that one!

Sadly, it does. I submitted my first edit in late July, and it's still pending.