Speach in stories

[AG31]

I think others have caught all the fixes that need to be made. I wish there were a way to actually make edits so they could be seen. Unfotunately cutting and pasting loses the edit marks, and screen capture depends too much on color.


Heidi was sipping her coffee in the kitchen when her daughter Laura walked in.


"Mum, what exactly does goes on at your parties,” Laura asked.

Other ideas?

 

[Britva415]

I'm surprised it takes longer than submitting a story.

Don't be. The review/approve team is very small (one person), and, new stories take greater priority/precedence than changes to stories they already approved. It's almost all they can do to keep up with the several dozens of those that get published every day. Out of hundreds submitted.

These days, sometimes even the new stories sometimes don't get approved in less than a month.

 

[Britva415]

S

Spoiche
Speeyotch
Spaische
Spighuetch
Spytsh

 

[KittyOfSteele]

S

S

 

[Britva415]

Spoiche
Speeyotch
Spaische
Spighuetch
Spytsh

ghoti

 

[FromManyOne]

View attachment 2682734
Other ideas?

That last one should in fact have a question mark "?" rather than either comma or full stop. According to Strunk and the other authorities. Unless you're invoking the recent trope of the flat question, which I do not think the OP was.

For that matter, standard punctuation would set off "Laura" in the first line with commas, and normal writing advice would omit the second Laura entirely. You just told us Laura is her daughter, and the speaker is saying "Mum." You could instead omit the first Laura, actually.

(Note: my sentence fragments above are deliberate.)

 

[SkyBubble]

BTW, it's "speech," not "speach."

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

"Mum, I really don't. Do you all just strip off and fuck whoever you like?"

Heidi wasn't sure why Laura was asking, "Laura, You've known about our parties since you were little and you've never asked before. What's changed?".

Ummm, no. A minor cannot know what goes on at those kinds of parties. Not at that level of detail.

 

[Writer61]

Ummm, no. A minor cannot know what goes on at those kinds of parties. Not at that level of detail.

Indeed, recently I had a story rejected because of a reference to a minor seeing her mother and her lovers naked. Not having sex, just naked.

 

[lovecraft68]

While people are helping with the grammar, I find myself wondering about the underage reference.

According to the excerpt the mother tells the daughter she's known what goes on at those parties since 'she was little' which implies a minor witnessed and was aware of an orgy going on.

It could slip through but being the story is already getting looked at due to one issue if this won't get attention as well.

I'd lose that line entirely.

 

[SkyBubble]

Heidi was sipping her coffee in the kitchen when her daughter Laura walked in

Heidi was sipping her coffee in the kitchen when her daughter Laura walked in.

You need a period at the end of the sentence.

"Mum, what exactly does goes on at your parties.", Laura asked.

"Mum, what exactly goes on at your parties?" Laura asked.

Note that a question mark ending the quotation means no comma inside or outside the quotes.

Puzzled, Heidi looked at her, "Laura, you know what goes on".

Puzzled, Heidi looked at her. "Laura, you know what goes on."

You have two sentences here that you essentially comma-spliced. Put a period after "looked at her." not a comma. And the period after "what goes on" goes inside the quotation marks, not outside.

"Mum, I really don't. Do you all just strip off and fuck whoever you like?"

That one is correct.

Heidi wasn't sure why Laura was asking, "Laura, You've known about our parties since you were little and you've never asked before. What's changed?".

Heidi wasn't sure why Laura was asking. "Laura, You've known about our parties since you were little and you've never asked before. What's changed?"

See above. Period, not comma, after asking. No period after the quote, since it ends with a punctuation mark.

"Mum. I'm an adult now and you know I'm not a virgin! It was you who took me to get contraception. I've split up with my boyfriend as he was only concerned with getting off himself and wasn't bothered about making me feel good. I really want to know about the parties", Laura pleaded.

This one is right.

Everyone in the room stopped and stared at her new outfit. Laura skipped over to Mike and stood in front of him. "Happy Birthday, uncle Mike" she said in a joyful voice although she hadn't called him uncle for years.

Everyone in the room stopped and stared at her new outfit. Laura skipped over to Mike and stood in front of him. "Happy Birthday, uncle Mike," she said in a joyful voice although she hadn't called him uncle for years.

You need a comma after Uncle Mike, inside the quotation marks.

Mike's jaw dropped and Melanie smiled. "Well Mike, it looks like you have a present to unwrap."

Good.

Although she hadn't actually known that it was his birthday she responded telling him, "How could I miss my favourite uncles special day. Are you going to fuck me?".

Although she hadn't actually known that it was his birthday, she responded, telling him, "How could I miss my favourite uncles special day. Are you going to fuck me?"

Again, comas after birthday and responded, no period at the end due to the question mark ending the quote.

Mike responded, "Oh yes my darling girl, I would love nothing more than to fuck you. Tell me, are you a virgin?"

This one is fine, although you could use a comma after girl.

Laura explained that she wasn't but her useless ex boyfriend had a really tiny cock and lasted less than a minute both times they tried.

The phrase "ex-boyfriend" should be hyphenated.

Apply these same principles throughout the story. I hope that helps.

 

[EmilyMiller]

Here's an even easier prescription:

Read some fiction with dialog in it. @EmilyMiller or @ElectricBlue or Ann Douglas or ....

Or, you know, non-smut writers. Almost any commercially-published book will have correct dialogue formatting. Read something you enjoy reading. Notice the dialogue. Enjoy yourself.

Note: I violate the Strunk rules occasionally, but I do it consciously and sparingly.

Thank you

 

[MrReos]

Sadly, it does. I submitted my first edit in late July, and it's still pending.

When I submitted the second part of one of my stories I just added in the comment that there was a spelling mistake in my title and the same one on the first line of the story. He was good enough to fix it there and then which wa really good.

 

[MrReos]

Thank you everyone for your comments, offers of help and assistance. I have learned a lot and used that information to fix my story and also in a second story both of which are now showing as published with tomorrow’s date.

Having sections of my own work fixed really helped me to get to grips with it and the example document linked to by Penny Thompson was also very useful.

I’m sure that I will look back at my early stories in years to come and wonder how I managed to have so many errors!

Having read back a few stories that I wrote quite a while ago but still haven’t edited I also noticed the over use of “then” and some other annoying habits but luckily that allowed me to edit them out. I’m sure there will be other things but hopefully I’ll get better the more I write. I’m getting over 4/5 for most of my stories so it looks like they are being appreciated and plenty of nice comments.

It does surprise me though when people complain about some kink when it’s actually the point of that section

Are there any other things that annoy people such as the over use of “then”? Hopefully I can pick up some more tips.

My favourite stories to write have been the true ones (or ones mainly based on the truth) but I’m going to run out of good ones!

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

It does surprise me though when people complain about some kink when it’s actually the point of that section

The point of that point is that it will get your story rejected.

If you have similar points in any other stories, they could be removed.

 

[FromManyOne]

Are there any other things that annoy people such as the over use of “then”? Hopefully I can pick up some more tips.

Of course there are.

See:
https://forum.literotica.com/search...]=1&c[nodes][0]=3&c[title_only]=1&o=relevance

People get peeved.

Most recently in this forum, there was long discussion of how annoying (to some) the obsession with stating a character's cup size can get. Why would the viewpoint character instantly be locked in on and estimating the fluid volume of a woman's boobs as well as the diameter of her rib cage? (Answer: some people are very, very into boobs. But not everyone, or even necessarily most.)

 

[FromManyOne]

Relevant maybe: I have just decided that in my WIP, I'll represent the climactic (pun intended) sex scene entirely by dialogue between the lovers. And, you know, inarticulate grunts and moans and squeaks.

 

[MrReos]

Of course there are.

See:
https://forum.literotica.com/search...]=1&c[nodes][0]=3&c[title_only]=1&o=relevance

People get peeved.

Most recently in this forum, there was long discussion of how annoying (to some) the obsession with stating a character's cup size can get. Why would the viewpoint character instantly be locked in on and estimating the fluid volume of a woman's boobs as well as the diameter of her rib cage? (Answer: some people are very, very into boobs. But not everyone, or even necessarily most.)

whoops....... I love a certain size B/C and all my characters have that one or the other.......

 

[MrReos]

Relevant maybe: I have just decided that in my WIP, I'll represent the climactic (pun intended) sex scene entirely by dialogue between the lovers. And, you know, inarticulate grunts and moans and squeaks.

Brave......

I have been writing part 3 of a story and just had a conversation between two couples with them all speaking. I wrote it and then checked against this thread and the link I had and I actually got it ALL right. I am so pleased and grateful to you all.

 

[MrReos]

The point of that point is that it will get your story rejected.

If you have similar points in any other stories, they could be removed.

Sorry. I'm not sure if we are on the same wavelength. A few of my stories involve some wife sharing and some have cuckolding in them. It was obvious from the title and the description plus it was in loving wives and I still had at least 5 people complain that about that. (Sorry that was the kink).

 

[MrReos]

Well thank you all. I am now MUCH happier with direct speach and had the one story that had been rejected twice accepted plus another two. I'm working my way through several years of stories that I wrote but kept to myself hence there currently being 19 published stories in my list in under 3 weeks.

My current story contains more direct speach than any previous one and after checking it against this thread plus the link I had, it was all correctly formatted so I'm really pleased.

I can't believe that they have had 200K views between them in that time. But I'm hoping my new found confidence in using direct speach should improve my work. It's a shame you can't just edit a story as I would probably go back and change a few things but I don't want to overload them with work so I will just push on and try to get better as I do.

 

[Voboy]

Well thank you all. I am now MUCH happier with direct speach and had the one story that had been rejected twice accepted plus another two. I'm working my way through several years of stories that I wrote but kept to myself hence there currently being 19 published stories in my list in under 3 weeks.

My current story contains more direct speach than any previous one and after checking it against this thread plus the link I had, it was all correctly formatted so I'm really pleased.

I can't believe that they have had 200K views between them in that time. But I'm hoping my new found confidence in using direct speach should improve my work. It's a shame you can't just edit a story as I would probably go back and change a few things but I don't want to overload them with work so I will just push on and try to get better as I do.

*speEch

 

[MrReos]

*speEch

Annoying but I know! My brain is so used to ignoring other people’s spelling and grammar errors (in my work) that I keep missing my own! There are several words that I keep misspelling when I know how they are spelled!

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

Why did you put this through (and HOW did it get through) with the clear underaged content?

Also, the entire story is very rough and needed a full review by a competent editor.

The story idea is fine, but it's got too many issues.

 

[FromManyOne]

Why did you put this through (and HOW did it get through) with the clear underaged content?

If it's so clear, why didn't anyone else (including me) see it? The young character immediately says that she's an adult.