Submissive/Slave Haven

[Netzach]

There are things about my partner that drive me batshit, really. But the non-negotiables I have are few, and my willingness to look the other way considerable. I guess I can understand if you're gun shy because of the pain of being willing to be flexible in ways you are just NOT for many years on end.

But the things I can let go are a long list indeed in favor of things I simply cannot ignore, which are few.

 

[midwestyankee]

Wow, even I can slum and enjoy a can o mushroom stroganoff once every few months.

My motto on these occasions is, "We all have our dross to bear."

And the refrain is, "Pass the wine."

 

[intothewoods]

LOL, can't say I ever had a Prince Charming image in my mind ever which may have been why I dated diversly different men who each had their own identity different from the rest. It helped me know and define what I did and didn't want, and was a lot of fun at times.

Catalina

I actually never did either. I never thought about it, until recently, that perhaps I was searching for something unconsciously.

I know I'm not articulating where my head's at, exactly, but I'm trying.

 

[intothewoods]

There are things about my partner that drive me batshit, really. But the non-negotiables I have are few, and my willingness to look the other way considerable. I guess I can understand if you're gun shy because of the pain of being willing to be flexible in ways you are just NOT for many years on end.

But the things I can let go are a long list indeed in favor of things I simply cannot ignore, which are few.

Actually, what I'm trying to think about is whether my non-negotiables shouldn't be. What trips me up is the potential of kids. I am not getting divorced again.

 

[Netzach]

Actually, what I'm trying to think about is whether my non-negotiables shouldn't be. What trips me up is the potential of kids. I am not getting divorced again.

Hey I respect the caution, I do. You do realize there's only one sure-fire way to prevent that again, though, no?

Every relationship you get in holds the potential for change, impasse, and eventual deterioration. It doesn't mean one can't learn from their mistakes, but you can't control certain things one bit. The path of a serious relationship is one of those things.

I certainly don't bet against myself every day I wake up, but I'm not immune to disaster.

 

[intothewoods]

Hey I respect the caution, I do. You do realize there's only one sure-fire way to prevent that again, though, no?

Every relationship you get in holds the potential for change, impasse, and eventual deterioration. It doesn't mean one can't learn from their mistakes, but you can't control certain things one bit. The path of a serious relationship is one of those things.

I certainly don't bet against myself every day I wake up, but I'm not immune to disaster.

Oh, I do indeed. I do remind myself that I don't have to get remarried, and it may be best to live alon, and date or have relationships that don't involve that next step. We'll see.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Oh, I do indeed. I do remind myself that I don't have to get remarried, and it may be best to live alon, and date or have relationships that don't involve that next step. We'll see.

I don't see you as an 80yr old spinster. You like attention too much.

 

[intothewoods]

I don't see you as an 80yr old spinster. You like attention too much.

Noted for the record.

 

[notalwaysweak]

Oh, I do indeed. I do remind myself that I don't have to get remarried, and it may be best to live alon, and date or have relationships that don't involve that next step. We'll see.

I think the main thing is that you're happy, and that anyone you're in a relationship with is happy. From what I've read you seem really nice and like you deserve some good times.

 

[SubKekiLee]

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. And thank God for that."

I am not sure I am in complete agreence with you D reason for this is most people are completely attracted thier opposite (ie: Introverts are attracted to Extroverts, Shy Vs Outgoing) I think soul mate is the one you can have your friendship with and still be happy 40 years later...Soul mates and marriage are hard work.. Sometimes they fail on thier own cause one person doesnt want to face reality and be happy.. I would just say that any relationship is based off trust , communication and honesty and if you lack those then you lack your soul mate....

 

[rida]

....
Mister Man and I seem to be on exactly the same page on that and so many other things, but we have pretty different backgrounds. It concerns me.

Actually, what I'm trying to think about is whether my non-negotiables shouldn't be. What trips me up is the potential of kids. I am not getting divorced again.

A different background is going to be as hard as you are going to let it be. As for the non-negotiables, it is a very personal matter.

Hubby and I have a very different back ground, and as such there are differences in the way we see things. Your "dinner as a family" requirement, for instance, was something I though was a given. And caused fights, until I let it go, as I realized that there were many more ways in which he was being a good father. I still make sure that we get at least a meal in the week-end as a family, but I don't stress on it anymore.

What I am trying to say is that, core non-negotiable on values are important, but many times the action-related ones are worth being flexible with.



(and related to another comment you made on one of my post on another thread: thank you! I too thought that the pantie arrangement was cute ... and a bit of a mind fuck as I had to think on how to use my days wisely)

 

[intothewoods]

A different background is going to be as hard as you are going to let it be. As for the non-negotiables, it is a very personal matter.

Hubby and I have a very different back ground, and as such there are differences in the way we see things. Your "dinner as a family" requirement, for instance, was something I though was a given. And caused fights, until I let it go, as I realized that there were many more ways in which he was being a good father. I still make sure that we get at least a meal in the week-end as a family, but I don't stress on it anymore.

What I am trying to say is that, core non-negotiable on values are important, but many times the action-related ones are worth being flexible with.



(and related to another comment you made on one of my post on another thread: thank you! I too thought that the pantie arrangement was cute ... and a bit of a mind fuck as I had to think on how to use my days wisely)

Thank you for your post, rida. I was in one of my thinking thinking moods, but it's not something I'm going to answer in a day or a week. I have to remember to take my time. Things are good now and there is no rush.

 

[RHtny]

I think I might be interested in giving some "sub" roleplaying a try. Any good posts I can read on what to expect?

I'm 20 year old male, and I'm a sophmore in college. Below is a link to my personal i made when i first joined here.
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=581974

Furthermore, anyone know where I could go about finding a woman to roleplay with, ideally one who coudl help me learn more about being a "sub"?

Thanks.

 

[rida]

how to cope with a depressed PYL

After debating whether to start a new thread or not ... I decided that this place is probably a good one so ... here it goes.

My Hubby, primary PYL, not only suffers of seasonal depression, but get depressed very easily. As I am not asking what to do to make things better for him, the why is probably not important.

I understand that depression is not something you get over just because you decide so, I've suffered of it as well, albeit mildly. But it get exhausting at times when you go through the same pattern over and over, and every time it feels the same. Sometimes I think that therapy would be a good idea, but it is very difficult where we live, and he has had some bad experiences and as such is not very receptive to the idea.

Anyway what I am asking is how do you cope with it? how do you manage to be loving when you get to be the recipient of his depressed moods, and you get to the point that all you want to do is yell: "GET OVER YOURSELF!" ?

Removing myself from the situation is not possible everytime so I was wondering how do you do.

Thank you in advance

 

[SubKekiLee]

After debating whether to start a new thread or not ... I decided that this place is probably a good one so ... here it goes.

My Hubby, primary PYL, not only suffers of seasonal depression, but get depressed very easily. As I am not asking what to do to make things better for him, the why is probably not important.

I understand that depression is not something you get over just because you decide so, I've suffered of it as well, albeit mildly. But it get exhausting at times when you go through the same pattern over and over, and every time it feels the same. Sometimes I think that therapy would be a good idea, but it is very difficult where we live, and he has had some bad experiences and as such is not very receptive to the idea.

Anyway what I am asking is how do you cope with it? how do you manage to be loving when you get to be the recipient of his depressed moods, and you get to the point that all you want to do is yell: "GET OVER YOURSELF!" ?

Removing myself from the situation is not possible everytime so I was wondering how do you do.

Thank you in advance

Rida
Depression is a very difficult thing... I can tell you if he has bad experience with a therapist in the area, You need to find him a different therapist DO NOT SIT AROUND.. Depression will Kill you.. I can promise you this.. weather SAD( Seasonal Affected Depression ) or not... Seek out professional help , although there are home remedies which including lots of exercise staying away from alcohol and tobacco and eating right. I lost my mom to depression so be very careful and I am also involved in the Mental Health Advocacy so if you need anything feel free to PM me..

 

[Velvet Bubbles]

As I am the one with the severe depression, I can suggest that you PM my Master and ask him how he deals with me. He even had to deal with an anxiety/panic attack when he was over here. Poor guy. I feel so bad for him, but I can say that I've got my own ways of dealing with it. Like the fact that I'm currently looking for a new doctor. Boy is it ever so hard to find someone that works with your personality. Good luck, hon.

 

[intothewoods]

After debating whether to start a new thread or not ... I decided that this place is probably a good one so ... here it goes.

My Hubby, primary PYL, not only suffers of seasonal depression, but get depressed very easily. As I am not asking what to do to make things better for him, the why is probably not important.

I understand that depression is not something you get over just because you decide so, I've suffered of it as well, albeit mildly. But it get exhausting at times when you go through the same pattern over and over, and every time it feels the same. Sometimes I think that therapy would be a good idea, but it is very difficult where we live, and he has had some bad experiences and as such is not very receptive to the idea.

Anyway what I am asking is how do you cope with it? how do you manage to be loving when you get to be the recipient of his depressed moods, and you get to the point that all you want to do is yell: "GET OVER YOURSELF!" ?

Removing myself from the situation is not possible everytime so I was wondering how do you do.

Thank you in advance

First of all, DB started a thread on this in Talk. I'll try and find it and bump it for you.

I have a friend whose husband is depressed, and she has expressed the exact same thing. I think all you can do is keep talking, make sure he's got good meds/therapy and vent when you need to, to friends who are supportive of your marriage.

 

[catalina_francisco]

After debating whether to start a new thread or not ... I decided that this place is probably a good one so ... here it goes.

My Hubby, primary PYL, not only suffers of seasonal depression, but get depressed very easily. As I am not asking what to do to make things better for him, the why is probably not important.

I understand that depression is not something you get over just because you decide so, I've suffered of it as well, albeit mildly. But it get exhausting at times when you go through the same pattern over and over, and every time it feels the same. Sometimes I think that therapy would be a good idea, but it is very difficult where we live, and he has had some bad experiences and as such is not very receptive to the idea.

Anyway what I am asking is how do you cope with it? how do you manage to be loving when you get to be the recipient of his depressed moods, and you get to the point that all you want to do is yell: "GET OVER YOURSELF!" ?

Removing myself from the situation is not possible everytime so I was wondering how do you do.

Thank you in advance

I think it is different for every person, and also dependent on the day, other issues at the moment, and life in general...so I can't provide an easy answer. You might find some interesting reads and ideas/thoughts/coping mechanisms in these though.

Catalina

 

[rida]

Thank you all for taking the time to answer

SubKekiLee
Thank you for your words. The real chemical imbalance depression is the winter one and we have now found a very easy way to deal with it ... he travels south for part of the winter. As for the other bout of depression ... they are more related to his having very high expectation for himself and pushing himself too hard. However I know that things could go bad and as such I keep an eye for any other signs. I think that in general he might benefit from a bit of therapy, but as we live in a non english speaking country .... things are a bit complicated. Anyway, thank you again ... and sorry for your mom ...
( and also {{ hugs }} for the divorce )

Velvet Bubbles
Thank you for the other side prespective. No panic attacks here, luckily, but sometime I wonder if he realizes how hard is to be around him at times ... lol.

intothewoods
thank you for bumping the thread ... I remember reading it but for some reason had forgotten about it.
But yeah, venting is the best way to help coping. Too bad I don't really have many people that would understand or just listen without getting all judgmental ... At least I can do it here.

catalina_francisco
thank you for the links. I'll check them out.
What makes it harder to cope is that I already take care of all daily/home related duties on top of having a job, and sometime having someone get all moody and short tempered when I am too in need of a break ... it is very hard. It has gotten better since the recognition of our D/s dynamic as at least I do not get frustrated over certain type of expectations anymore. Still somedays I just wish I could stop the world and take a break from it all.

 

[intothewoods]

rida - I completely blanked on where you guys live when I posted. That probably adds an extra layer of complexity, as mental illness isn't really discussed in the culture, is it? Do you have any mental health/depression websites that you look at? Because really, D/s or no, spouses of people who suffer from depression are going through similar shit. Take care of yourself.

 

[catalina_francisco]

catalina_francisco
thank you for the links. I'll check them out.
What makes it harder to cope is that I already take care of all daily/home related duties on top of having a job, and sometime having someone get all moody and short tempered when I am too in need of a break ... it is very hard. It has gotten better since the recognition of our D/s dynamic as at least I do not get frustrated over certain type of expectations anymore. Still somedays I just wish I could stop the world and take a break from it all.

I can imagine. I think one of the most helpful things I can suggest is find a way to detach yourself from the reactionary emotions as much as is possible. It isn't easy and usually takes a lot of time and work, but if you can find a place in you where you can recognise that what is said/done is not as personal as it seems, or perhaps more to the point, meant and said when he is on a more even path, and so remove yourself from taking it personally or feeling you have to engage with the actions and reactions, it will likely help you destress and if fortunate, help the situation overall. Still it is not a nice place to be, and in a perfect world you would not have to deal with any of it, but most of us do not live in a perfect world (and maybe for the better ) so finding ways of coping and remaining sane are a must and part of life.

Catalina

 

[rida]

... spouses of people who suffer from depression are going through similar shit. Take care of yourself.

... remove yourself from taking it personally or feeling you have to engage with the actions and reactions, it will likely help you destress and if fortunate, help the situation overall. Still it is not a nice place to be, and in a perfect world you would not have to deal with any of it, but most of us do not live in a perfect world (and maybe for the better ) so finding ways of coping and remaining sane are a must and part of life.

Catalina

I've learned to detach myself, most of the time. The problem is that sometime I end up detaching too much, sort of numbing down feeling and than I find myself having a hard time getting out of it. A sort of depression by proxy feeling.

Other times, like now that there are many other external stressor factors, I feel just too tired/exhausted on my own to be even able to emphatize with him and end up wishing he would just get over it.

Meh ... I need a vacation ... and a wife

 

[the_pet]

when D/s turns bad

at what point are you allowed to not like what's happening when you willingly gave up everything

pet

 

[SubKekiLee]

at what point are you allowed to not like what's happening when you willingly gave up everything

pet

At ANYTIME,Pet Sir says I hold the key and the cards to this journey... you can end it.. and if your unhappy be good to yourself.. and do whats right...

 

[notalwaysweak]

SubKekiLee's absolutely right here. You may have willingly given up everything, but you still have the free will to undo that if you're truly unhappy.

And on a lighter note, I was having an MSN conversation with a friend of mine (M) who knows I'm submissive. I've been editing his writing for him for almost ten years now and so we have a good dynamic... here's an amusing extract of the conversation we had.

M: how was class?
Sin: Pretty good, we had a guest speaker come in to talk about the author-editor relationship.
M: sounds familiar
M: did the person say that the editor should not beat up the author...
M:
M: verbally or otherwise
Sin: No... he said that the author should always do everything the editor wants and bring her chocolate.
Sin: (And there goes my credibility...)
Sin: And he also said that if the author doesn't like the editor's suggestions, he should spank her. *nods* For real.
M: that can be arranged
Sin: Well, considering you will bring me those writing pieces on USB when you come over, maybe I could get the red pen out while the movie's on... thus combining a lot of my favourite things all at once!
M: I already hae a good reason to spank you
M: have
Sin: Oh, really?
Sin: And what would that be?
M: yes, really
M: my double vowel use in names of late
Sin: Hey, I'm not to blame for your poor taste in naming strategies
Sin: I'm just digging myself in deeper here, aren't I?
M: that you would be
Sin: At least your names generally don't have apostrophes in them, although I'm surprised about that, considering how you manage to misplace your apostrophes most of the time...
Sin: *dances around with red pen*

I think I'm catching Gracie's samminess... is that catching?