Surrendering to your hubby to make a better marriage????

[Gingersnap]

Countess DeWinter with all due respect I find your type of relationship and marriage very frightening not to mention antiquated. It seems to me that only a very insecure man would require surrender. Controlling others is not a measure of the man just his manipulative abilities. Promise keepers and their like remind me of some kind of fifties "Father Knows Best" and we all know how reality based they were.

 

[Siren]

What is that based on Gingiesnappie???

 

[Closet Desire]

A few words about John Gray...

You can't knock him for figuring out how to prey on one of the most important parts of your life and make millions off people. But here are just a couple of "truths" about him.

His PhD is a sham...he did not earn it from a reputable university nor has he ever conducted any serious research (which is a fundamental requirement of a PhD).

His idea of "warming up" his wife (his second one I might add) is to ring her on the mobile phone as he drives home. This way he doesn't have to waste any time with foreplay. Just slip it in and get on with business(quoted from an interview with the London Times).

His first wife? Well, she isn't around anymore.

John Gray's books do what many counsellors and advisors have done for years. Teach the woman to do whatever is necessary to keep everyone else in the relationship happy. What she wants or needs is last on the list.

Guess you can tell I think he's full of crap. You think I'm bad...don't even ask CD-able about him.

 

[Countess DeWinter]

Countess DeWinter with all due respect I find your type of relationship and marriage very frightening not to mention antiquated. It seems to me that only a very insecure man would require surrender. Controlling others is not a measure of the man just his manipulative abilities. Promise keepers and their like remind me of some kind of fifties "Father Knows Best" and we all know how reality based they were.

Just so you won't continue to have the wrong idea about my marriage, I'll fill you in on some of the details I left out.
As a Christian, I believe in certain aspects of marriage that are no longer "in vogue." And, I do not have to justify why to you or anyone else. They are simply my beliefs not subject to debate.
My husband does not require surrender. He requires my complete and honest communication and devotion to our relationship...which he also gives. My sons are learning to respect women because their father respects me. My daughters are learning to respect men because I respect their father.
I don't make large purchases without checking with my husband first because it's OUR money not HIS money and MY money. And he does the same. He does the "jobs" in our family that he is good at and I do the ones I'm good at. He's the nurturer who spends more time hugging and cuddling the kids. I do the bills and the taxes.

What's so scary about that?

 

[SweetCherry]

I have spent the past 5 years being the "perfect wife'. Not complaining, trying not to nag too much, keeping everything done just the way he likes it. And so now, I'm 27 and trying to get my hubby to realize that I do NOT love him and haven't loved him for quite some time. He never realized it, because he was too busy out with his buddies and forgetting he had a wife and kids at home who needed and wanted him home. For the past 4 months, my hubby has been more of a roommate that a SO. And I don't even care

Submit to your hubby??? Only if you want to end up like me. A marriage should be 50/50, give and take from both sides. Not the woman being under the man's thumb. That's not what marriage is about.

 

[teresafannin]

Surrender anything-not in this lifetime. One of the things that I love about my fiancee is that he wants us to be partners. We share things equally & make decisions together. I have always been very independent & my son, as well as my nieces & nephews have always respected that about me. I have worked too hard to be my own person to give up any of that.

 

[Shylady]

Countess DeWinter I do know exactly what you mean. I also have that type of relationship with my husband. I have been married for 21 years, and I have a great relationship with my husband.
Do we ever fight? Of course, do I give him my opinions? ohh you better believe it. But when the final decision is made and it isn't the one I like, I support him 100% because I choose to not because he demands it. I don't consider it surrendering but being partners.
He also has been to promise keepers but has not joined. They don't teach anything we didn't already do.
I do know there is peace and love and joy in my home. I also know when I am totally against something I won't be forced into cause he loves me. We work together for the common good of our family and to do what Christ wants.

 

[Cheyenne]

Surrender? Not exactly.

Latina, not EVERY topic on the board is about sex. Broaden your scope a bit and reread the question.

 

[Cheyenne]

I don't make large purchases without checking with my husband first because it's OUR money not HIS money and MY money. And he does the same. He does the "jobs" in our family that he is good at and I do the ones I'm good at. He's the nurturer who spends more time hugging and cuddling the kids. I do the bills and the taxes.

What's so scary about that?

Nothing is scary about that. It describes perfectly what the rest of us have been saying. The scary part is from your first post:

Sometimes, one of us has to make a command decision. I trust my husband to do what's in the best interest of our family, and our marriage when he makes those decisions. We are equal partners, but our jobs are not the same.

The concept of "command decisions" does not fit with the concept of a 50/50 relationship. "Command decision" is a 100/0 relationship, as in boss to employee. I don't want to be married to my boss.

 

[Closet Desire]

How do you measure percentages?

CD-able's first husband was too busy to consider what she wanted, what was important. He hasn't changed either, but he isn't married to her anymore...I am. He remarried and went so far as to put the percentages into a pre-nup with his new wife. How are things working out? Not too good so the kids say when they return from a visit.

CD-able and I each have decisions to make in our own lives. We nearly always consult about these decisions, but we recognise that sometimes the decision belongs to one or the other of us, not both and certainly not me exclusively. Sharing isn't about percentages 50/50 or whatever. It's more fluid than that. It's about being friends and never losing sight of the individual and that no matter how long you have been together you are, or should be, autonomous human beings. Everyday life should be like making love. You remember your partner's desires, you try never to hurt, you apologise when you do and hopefully, when life comes to an end, you can look into one another's eyes and ask "was it good for you too?"

I can only say it works for us. We are both blissfully happy and successful in our careers. We don't divy up responsibilities in the house, we simply address what needs to be done and one of us sees that it's done.

I adore her from head-to-toe and love everything about her including her capriciousness and insecurities.

 

[ericred50]

Well seems I have to saddle up my trusty steed again, and rescue a few ladies from there life of drudgery. For giving them untold pleasures, I expect Complete submission.

The relationship between a Dom and his or her Sub, is an extremly, exciting and pleasaurable experience. It is built up on trust and a very deep understanding, of each other, in all aspects of there lives. Not just sex although:
(Domination) is the desire to exert control over a consenting partner for the purpose of mutual gratification.
from book Different Loving p77.
In a dom/sub realtionship it is not the dom who has all the power it is the sub.

I keep an open mind in all things, and held very strong views on marriage, and the roll of husband and wife, before I became interested in D/s. To find out more visit this web site, it will open your mind as it has mine.
http://www.castlerealm.com

There no pain involved, I can only give pleasure.

 

[CRaZy]

My mother has always been a totally controling, dominant figure with my father surrendering to her completely. Now she has senile dementia and he still does everything she says. He says if you love someone you follow their wishes. I disagree.

Loving someone means sometimes telling them that they need to rethink their plans. Loving someone means sometimes telling them that you will not rush in where angels fear to tread. Loving someone also means listening to your partner when they disagree. Loving someone means that sometimes you must acquiese to their opinion. It isn't love if one partner has to constantly follow the wishes of the other.

Sir Eric, I have been in two D/s relationships. The first one was with a wonderful Dom and it was great. The second one was fine till He became sick. Our roles reversed, He couldn't handle it and everything fell apart. That is the problem when a relationship is based on very specific roles and boundaries, be it surrendering, promising or D/s. In reality, at some point, one partner will have to carry more burden than the other. That's what a partnership is all about. If you don't have that flexibility, you will never survive the tough times.

 

[Closet Desire]

Well said...

...couldn't agree more.

 

[Gingersnap]

See this is what I mean Siren. Read the above and you see exactly why the old surrender word offends most women who have a pulse. I prefer to think that I am taking someone into my world and giving them a glimpse of me not surrendering. Call that petty but it really does make a difference to me. I make no apologies to anyone for how I live my life and I ask no one's permission either. I am tired of hearing intelligent thoughtful women fall prey to this kind of crap. I understand that there are those that find the me little girly slave and you big wonderful daddy dom thing fun. Fine, have at it. Just don't try to sell it for anything else but what it is a game of power and control.

 

[ericred50]

Well we have put the cat among the pigeons, havn't we. "All this crap" is a bold statment of opinion, shows you do not understand. I have an open mind, did not somebody say in and earlier bulletin that religion is "is a load of crap"? Well I do not try and force my way of life on to any body, and I certainly do not have little girl/ slave Big Daddy relationship, that does sicken me Everything is on an equal basic, an understanding of each others needs. The sub has the power to walk away and say no at any time, there is no telling each other what to do, on how to live our lives. Before and after a scene, a full discussion takes place. It is after all, about good sex and pleasure. Do you enjoy good sex? Do any ladies still need rescueing? Shine a torch into the night sky, I'll search for you on my white charger.

 

[Latina]

We went into the relationship as equal partners, there are no real control issues. Maybe because we were both in our 40s when we met and married, so we based our relationship on a lot more maturity than 20-somethings who marry.

I made some bad financial decisions in the past, but my first husband made WORSE decisions that left me broke when he died (bad investmets in companies with crackpot marketing schemes, gambling, and of course his hospital bills due to inadequate insurance). Husband #2 handles all the finances now, but he does not make major purchase decisions without consulting me, and I always ask him how we're doing on budget before buying anything big. We share even little tasks: make the bed together. I vacuum the living-room carpet while he mops the kitchen floor. He washes the car and I dry it. If one of us is tired, the other drives. He picks out his own clothes, but he "models" them for me and asks if I like them before he buys.

We wrote our own wedding vows, and one of mine was "I will NOT try to change you." I meant it then and I still mean it now. He is his own person, a good man, and I want him to stay the man I fell in love with. Trying to control him, or surrendering all control to him, would change all that.

That is not to say we don't have our disagreements. But we don't let them become an issue of control, and we are mature enough to agree to disagree, and to forgive each other. And of course, the making-up afterward is FUN!

-- Latina

 

[April]

Ericred, D/s is not the subject of the above-mentioned book. Sorry to burst your bubble there.

It's about surrendering financial, emotional, and mental control to your husband. The author advocates lettting "the man" have exclusive control over the marriage and the kids. She actually says that if your husband wants to take the kids and do something dangerous, you should say 'Whatever you think is best." Give me a fucking break! There is no way in fucking hell that I would let any man have complete control over any thing in my life. Personally, I think she's deluded!

 

[Gingersnap]

Eric you miss the point entirely again. The point being that there are women everywhere who do not need or desire you to rescue them. I find this whole discussion a little silly when the majority of households in this country are headed by women. They are the ones supporting and raising children. Hey don't believe me? I work with a woman who raises her two kids works three jobs and still has time to be room mom. Wish I could say that it was an unusual thing to see but it isn't. Just listen to the evening news more women and children live near the poverty level and where is daddy now. My deepest admiration goes to the men who are there for their families and who teach their kids human values. That any person sex aside can enter a marriage and partner without dominance. That the reason for a marriage is not only to raise children but to help each other grow and foster enrichment of your life together. Sorry Eric you are talking role play and I am talking real life.

 

[Siren]

I surrender !!!!

 

[Comshaw]

Mined if I drop my two pence worth in?

The passage Killer quoted sounded like it said to ease up on the nagging and give your husband back control over himself. But after reading the rest of the post's in this thread, the book sounds like one I'd use to start a fire with. My wife and I have been married for 30 years. It's always been an equal partnership with us. Why should one or the other have total control over any part of a marriage? Hell she's as much a part of it as I am. We both have strengths and weakness's. So why not use those for the betterment of both? Or the entire family? My wife would never put up with me trying to rule here. Nor will I put up with her trying to "train" me. We are individuals that have spent the last 30 years living and growing together. Why the hell would anyone want to control something that can be such a rich delightful experience for both? Just to satisfy someone's love for power? My rasty ass too!
Don't get me wrong, we sometimes don't see eye to eye on things. But we always come to an agreement, and normally both of us give a little to make it happen. Besides, the making up after the "discussions" is always fantastic!

Comshaw

 

[Chuckus]

Been on the sidelines watching this one heat up some.......

To me, marriage is a partnership 50/50 all the way. I go in with what is mine and she goes in with what is hers and it is now collectively ours. I feel that all decisions should be discussed and talked about (i.e. home buying, cars, big purchases) and in general you should have the consideration and respect for the other person enough to discuss any particulars. I mean, as much as you love each other and care for each other, you have to look out for BOTH of you in a marriage, not just one of you. You are individuals who are going to spend the rest of your lives with each other. Period. If you go into marriage with the naive idea that a person will change or you can change them, then you are wrong. You must accept that person for who they are and unconditionally. Some partners in business are better at certain functions than others (i.e. financial, social, long term planning) than others. If you sit down and talk about it, plan and execute that plan it is much easier. I for one believe in 50/50 in all things in a relationship. I do laundry, cook,clean,etc. I believe that if you work together and talk things thru together things work much better than if you work against each other.
If on the other hand, that does not work for the both of you....do what works for YOUR situation.

 

[Cheyenne]

We went into the relationship as equal partners, there are no real control issues. Maybe because we were both in our 40s when we met and married, so we based our relationship on a lot more maturity than 20-somethings who marry.

Now THAT is a good answer! Thanks for rereading the question. I knew you just missed it the first time.

 

[Cheyenne]

Do any ladies still need rescueing? Shine a torch into the night sky, I'll search for you on my white charger.

No. Stay the hell away from me. I have surface to air missles.

 

[Closet Desire]

Crash and burn...

...sucka

 

[ericred50]

Well we all have our opinion, for those of you who are wondering, I have been married for 37 years, to the same woman. I have always had control of everything, but we discuss everything first. I clean the house,tend the garden, etc,etc, she cooks, and organises our lives togeather,unfortunatly due to an operation she has no sexual feelings. Marriage is a 50/50 partnership. If you are one of my friends you know my story, and understsand my D/s life style. It takes care of my needs, and those of my partner. Sir Eric is of course a fantasy.