Talk 2 Stegral

[Stegral]

Amazing how the weather can affect some people...
everything hits harder on dreary overcast days...
Take away the sunshine for 4+ days & I get suicidal...

I have S.A.D. & am in for phototherapy till summertime.

after 20 years of councilling/tharapists, 15 years of MANY medications, 3 suicide attempts, many self inflicted scars & the LAST 4 years of journals the doctors FINALLY figured out I am NOT bi-polar, NOT schizo, Not Manic Depresive, NOT suffering from chonic mild depression, OCD or borderline paranioa...

I have had "winter blues" for as long as I can remember. Meds can't touch my depression. I am rarely depressed in the summer like I am in the winter. The last 2 years journals did weather, diet, employment as well as mood. we have had no really good sunshine here lately & with the rest of the stressors I have hit the bottom, did some personal damage & signed myself into emerg with my journals & requested a doctor that knew what MPD was. Well I got a snotty one & had a good long talk with her & showed her my journals & told her how I was feeliing, showed the carving & got put on suicide watch for 12 hrs... BITCH!!!!well I guess shift change brought in a better doc cause HE LISTENED to me, browsed the journals & asked if I have done any kind of phototherapy & I told him no, I hate the camera. He laughed (yes actually laughed) & explained what it actually was. so I got shuttled over to a different section of the hospital, they put me in scrubs & told me what was going to be done & that bloodwork was going to be done prior to & after (found out later it was to ensure a recordable result rather than just a verbal from me) then escorted me into a rom with chairs, mirrors & lights. They told me to do whatever I wanted aside from breaking anything, so I could sing, walk, pace, sit, anything but sleep.. my eyes HAD to stay open. So I paced & hummed & sat. everything but look at myself in the mirrors. the lights were bright & warm I could almost feel the smile coming to my face but brushed it off as rediculous, lights couldn't do that could they? well I guess they can because the bloodwork proved it even though I didn't feel a whole lot better. well the doc came in after he read the results of the blood & told me what I had to do. because of the family history of cancers , my already having 2 biopsies done he wasn't going to recommend tanning beds, besides I need more than tanning beds can do. so my desk lamp & bedside lamp are now UV bulbs at his suggestion as these are the 2 spots I spend the most time.Thank the Gods I have reptiles so I have extra lights kicking around. bedside one is on 1/2 hr prior to waking up & minimum 1/2 hr once I am in bed & the one at the desk is to be on the whole time I am at the computer. I am starting a new section of a journal to include the wattage of the bulb, exposed time length along with all the other stuff. hopefully I can make it thru the shitty spring to summer without any more damage or time off.

just lost 2 days pay already...
Not good when you couldn't make rent on time.
robbing peter to pay paul starts early this year..

 

[Stegral]

Well the blonde bitch at work has weaseled her way in between *W* & I.
Bad enought blondie is now engaged to the first one she drug away from me.
now she "invites" *W* over for drinks (we all work at the same company) so he is too drunk to remember he was supposed to be coming over here.
no Happy Valentines or anything from him.
Shoulda known when he went to the different contract we would grow apart..

I know I should just shake it off but it pisses me off.
*just walk away, he obviously doesn't think THAT much of you*
I am just getting really sick of picking up my heart & doing surgery on it.

just feeling really vunerable right now...
heading to bed before I get stupid & call him.

 

[Stegral]

OK.. for those addicted to facebook...

I offer you kinky facebook

doesn't have the food fights, buyouts, horoscopes of such.

but it is a kinky kind of facebook addiction...


*runs & hides*

 

[Stegral]

fight inside my head...

*needs the butterflies to calm down*

ain't gonna happen Steg my dear, you know the last e-mail freaked you out... he is far more Hard Core than you... Still think you want to be a Mistress for THIS subbie/slave?? you have 2 days to decide what is best for you both

*tries to shut the freaking voice up*

think carefully... it isn't just you anymore being a "service Top" this is for real, alot more intense than anything you have done before... it is going to take you out of that comfort zone, there are things you HAVE to talk to him about & until then I ain't shutting up... maybe not even after because I will put a different spin on things...

*whimpers*

figure it out girl... before he gets too attached, but it looks like he already has given himself fully...

*shut UP... JUST SHUT UP !!!!*

 

[Stegral]

blogging

well I have dipped my toes into the Domme pool now...
I found it scary as hell & still sifting thru everything W/we did & discussed. Still not sure I can do this to meet his needs but I gave it a good shot.
He wants to come back again so I guess I did ok???
I was extremely wary of pain until he showed me his "toys" then I realized I could not hurt him physically and it took a lot of the guilt away.
Is there a point you get to when you go from: this is sooo wrong.. to: to hell with it!!
I guess I need to work on understanding how you can turn pain into pleasure from the outside looking in as I panic with sudden pain.

Things were so much easier when I was a bottom...

 

[Stegral]

*happy, contented sigh*

here is the drawing done last night
was good enough I had to nap once grounded & safe.
guess that is what happens when there are 12 weeks inbetween drawings...

 

[Stegral]

Was out to the "subbies" home for dinner last night.. was a very nice non-kinky night... exact opposite of last weekend here at my place I think it was that night that helped up both realize it wouldn't work. as we lay seperate from each other watching a horror movie we talked & rationalized friends would be best. We were out today for a walk on the boardwalk & to take some pics, then went to a little (but freaking awesome) seafood place for supper & talked alot more... friends we will be, he understands I can't be what he needs & that he is too intense for my limits. He is a wonderful guy & I told him if I met anyone that met his needs I would pass his e-mail on. He thanked me & wished me the best of luck finding my kinky boyfriend. Maybe I can catch someones eye at the fetish ball next month

I think I should change my PYL to "slightly kinked leather fetishist"

 

[Stegral]

Well I have my boots for the ball
Thigh high patent leather lace up the sides platform fuck me boots

 

[professorquixote]

Well I have my boots for the ball
Thigh high patent leather lace up the sides platform fuck me boots

good gods woman.

if I were still lesbian I'd be down on my knees begging to be dom'ed by you.....a part of me wants to anyway...

 

[Stegral]

good gods woman.

if I were still lesbian I'd be down on my knees begging to be dom'ed by you.....a part of me wants to anyway...

Wow... Thanks... I am straight as an arrow but ...

Damn.. hopefully I get that reaction from someone male at the Fetish Ball next month...

 

[Stegral]

A bunch of my play group are doing a weight loss thing..
this is week 4 now.
the first week we were measured, weighed in & decided punishments if we gained.
mine is 10 spanks ... (I know, go ahead & laugh, but I don't like em.)
week 2 I lost 3 pounds *yippee!!*
week 3 I lost 1 pound *ok, the ankle didn't help for working out*
week 4 I gained 1 pound *ankle was fucked most of the week, no gym*

I was terrified when I saw I had gained... I held back the tears for the most part while everyone else weighed in. I had been trying so hard all week to make up for inability to do my laps because of my ankle with less food... I chose the Dominant I wanted to dole out my punishment & off we went.. He didn't even get to the 3rd set (so 6 spanks) before I was in tears & shivering, the childhood memories just flooded past the dam I had them behind... He did 8 but couldn't finish the whole 10... I am sure I hit something in him because he did the warm up thing & I KNOW he didn't hit hard.. it was just the impact alone... The fella that plays me can barely even get in 3 sets DURING play as it drops me sooo fast & we have been playing almost 2 years now. I am seriously thinking of changing my punishment, not only for my own mental health but also for the inflictor. I am sure the ball of sobbing flesh in front of him didn't help his inner-self, since his saying is "He is a Dom that would rather praise than punish" He talked to me until I quit crying & made sure I was ok... He is known for his aftercare so he made sure I was ok before we came back out to leave. Can't even do spankings... what kind of a subbie can't do spankings??? I don't think I know of anyone in the lifestyle that reacts like I do.. most, if they don't enjoy them, can at least take them like a trooper, not a sissy...

next week I am walking every chance I get, whether my ankle is fucked or not.
gonna go get more tylenol & advil & do this dammit.

 

[Stegral]

FUCK

YOU

WENDELL

I am a human being, not a fucktoy.
even a friend with benifits calls a bit more often than 6-8 week intervals.
frig.. we live 10 minutes apart. I gave up calling you & being forgotten...
(see post 277)

tough shit if you expected me to wait forever... I won't !!!!

 

[Chris_Xavier]

FUCK

YOU

WENDELL

I am a human being, not a fucktoy.
even a friend with benifits calls a bit more often than 6-8 week intervals.
frig.. we live 10 minutes apart. I gave up calling you & being forgotten...
(see post 277)

tough shit if you expected me to wait forever... I won't !!!!

Having a bad day?

 

[Stegral]

Having a bad day?

actually no.. this was a final vent from sunday night...
after waiting way too long & too many broken dates I gave up.
he is some cute & is insatiable but isn't worth the waiting in between.
(along with the other shit he tossed into the phone call...)

I KNOW I can do better... feeling lots better now

just need to get to working out again & put myself into a more desirable shape

Fet Ball is this MONTH!!!!

*got my boots, have a mini skirt & hopefully ONE of the corsets will be done*

((((Chris))))

 

[TheJestersAdvocate]

Just had to stop a moment and post....although it's only a few pages long, this thread has much depth to it and to do it justice it deserves a good looking over.

I must say that I am greatly impressed with your ability (as well as BlackWolf65's) to tell a what happened with your ''uncle''. I am sincerely sorry to hear that had happened and it is a fucking shame that Lit would have a problem with folks posting it.....ok maybe not Lit itself but certain individuals/groups who would believe that although not meant for erotic purposes, there are sick fucks in the world that might get off on that.

Thanks for sharing with us Steggie and I'll be making my way through the thread.

Take care and see ya around gorgeous.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

*got my boots, have a mini skirt & hopefully ONE of the corsets will be done*

((((Chris))))

You know I have a thing for women in boots, right?

 

[Stegral]

Thanks Ken...
I don't "blog" anywhere else so this is it.
I am thankful some take the time to read it all.


Chris.. I will have to send/post a pic of my attire
I am going to an adult store on Saturday to see if I can find something shinier to wear with the boots One of the subbies in the group lent me one of her "mini" skirts (I would say... I bend over & it hides nothing...) in case I can't find anything
Hell I don't even own lingere outside of panyhose/stockings for cripes sake...lol

I will attach a pic of the boots & the mini tho

 

[southerntierguy]

Chris.. I will have to send/post a pic of my attire
I am going to an adult store on Saturday to see if I can find something shinier to wear with the boots One of the subbies in the group lent me one of her "mini" skirts (I would say... I bend over & it hides nothing...) in case I can't find anything
Hell I don't even own lingere outside of panyhose/stockings for cripes sake...lol

I will attach a pic of the boots & the mini tho

How much bending over do you plan on doing? How much on the way there?

Save yourself a little money, put into your future down payment savings to make you feel good about your choice, and go in the borrowed clothing.

 

[Stegral]

How much bending over do you plan on doing? How much on the way there?
not sure.. depends on if those watching are cute

Save yourself a little money, put into your future down payment savings to make you feel good about your choice, and go in the borrowed clothing.
I know I should be doing that..
but the hotpants would look sexy & not show off anything by mistake...

I am going to go browse...
if nothing looks BETTER than the skirt I won't buy it.

 

[southerntierguy]

Save yourself a little money, put into your future down payment savings to make you feel good about your choice, and go in the borrowed clothing.
I know I should be doing that..
but the hotpants would look sexy & not show off anything by mistake...

But then the picture I bring home won't be quite as enjoyable!

 

[Chris_Xavier]

How much bending over do you plan on doing? How much on the way there?
not sure.. depends on if those watching are cute

Would I qualify?

 

[Stegral]

But then the picture I bring home won't be quite as enjoyable!

I apologize.. you are going to be at the ball?? I thought you weren't local...

(thought the southern in your name meant southern USA)

How much bending over do you plan on doing? How much on the way there?
not sure.. depends on if those watching are cute

Would I qualify?

LMAOOOO Mayybeeeeeee

 

[southerntierguy]

I apologize.. you are going to be at the ball?? I thought you weren't local...

(thought the southern in your name meant southern USA)

OK, so I exaggerated ... I guess it's just a mental picture then. But for the sake of men everywhere, I still object.

Southern tier is southern tier of New York, so not that far away ... and I grew up in and visit Maine annually, so you never know when I could pop up.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

LMAOOOO Mayybeeeeeee

Tease!

 

[TheJestersAdvocate]

Thanks Ken...
I don't "blog" anywhere else so this is it.
I am thankful some take the time to read it all.

You're quite welcome, Stegral.
Know what that's like...hell even the spots where I do blog....it's not often....last entry I did was a year-year and a half ago.
You'd be surprised what you can find out when you read a book from cover to cover.....same goes for the threads. Some are worthwhile and others not. So far this is proving to be quite worth it.

By the way love the pic....love the boots and skirt there. Of course the legs aren't bad either.