Teach-in Ghazal

[Ashesh9]

As a matter of interest does anyone know how Ghazal is pronounced? I saw on one of the sites that it's Guzzle which isn't how I was pronouncing it. I was thinking more Guzzarl

Pronounce as GHU-ZEL

 

[Wintermute01]

My second attempt, I'm happier with this one but it was a difficult birth.

Unchaining
-------------
I watch the tears roll down the smooth, red cheek of my love.
And feel my heart fracture apart as I untie love.

The ease by which I carelessly caused her so much pain
Has hurt me so, because it is she who'll supply love.

Deep in my heart's darkness, buried, alone and hidden.
There is a place in which the intrepid may spy love.

But until she bravely commenced her momentous quest.
My love was content to remain a very shy love.

So, like Prometheus, she has brought light to my world.
And gifted me the joy of more than just nearby love.

So, I will rejoice in her happy tears, whereby love.
Can be married forever, and thence we will fly love.

 

[todski28]

You rocked that one wintermute this form smashed my brain so bad.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

My second attempt, I'm happier with this one but it was a difficult birth.

Unchaining
-------------
I watch the tears roll down the smooth, red cheek of my love.
And feel my heart fracture apart as I untie love.

The ease by which I carelessly caused her so much pain
Has hurt me so, because it is she who'll supply love.

Deep in my heart's darkness, buried, alone and hidden.
There is a place in which the intrepid may spy love.

But until she bravely commenced her momentous quest.
My love was content to remain a very shy love.

So, like Prometheus, she has brought light to my world.
And gifted me the joy of more than just nearby love.

So, I will rejoice in her happy tears, whereby love.
Can be married forever, and thence we will fly love.

I hate to point this out but there isn't a double rhyme in the last couplet, only the first one

 

[Wintermute01]

You rocked that one wintermute this form smashed my brain so bad.

I appreciate your kind comments Todski.

I've learned that it is just very difficult to rhyme anything apart from the last word!

I wonder what UYS has in store for us next?

 

[Wintermute01]

I hate to point this out but there isn't a double rhyme in the last couplet, only the first one

Really? 'Whereby' rhymes with 'fly' for me

Doh I get it!!!!!!

Prepare for an edited version shortly!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Really? 'Whereby' rhymes with 'fly' for me

Doh I get it!!!!!!

Prepare for an edited version shortly!

I meant the form doesn't call for a double rhyme in the last couplet, it only calls for that in the first couplet

 

[Wintermute01]

I meant the form doesn't call for a double rhyme in the last couplet, it only calls for that in the first couplet

Yes thanks for clarifying. My head hurts so I'm going to leave it there.

BTW, the example on Wikipedia does have a double rhyme in the last couplet, although its not obvious. It rhymes 'tell' with 'Ishmael' (Ish-may-elle).

I quite like the double rhyme at the end, it brings a finality to the whole thing IMHO.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

St. Marks Ghazal

You'd think the Bowery might lack real art--
buncha drunks, street crack maybe they steal art.

10th St. is the place, where Stuyvesant meets
Second where ghosts played gods to reveal art.

Burroughs knife sharp high knot and he wavered
gravel-voiced, spare. His was no genteel art.

Ginsberg concertina bells flim flam jam
man could sing a blue streak. Prayer wheel art.

Raw angel in earth shirt sang Gloria
rocked the words, burned the stage. My ideal art.

Have you read this yet Neo?
not going to keep shush much longer

 

[UnderYourSpell]

St. Marks Ghazal

You'd think the Bowery might lack real art--
buncha drunks, street crack maybe they steal art.

10th St. is the place, where Stuyvesant meets
Second where ghosts played gods to reveal art.

Burroughs knife sharp high knot and he wavered
gravel-voiced, spare. His was no genteel art.

Ginsberg concertina bells flim flam jam
man could sing a blue streak. Prayer wheel art.

Raw angel in earth shirt sang Gloria
rocked the words, burned the stage. My ideal art.

I can keep quiet no longer has nobody noticed this little nugget?!

 

[Angeline]

I can keep quiet no longer has nobody noticed this little nugget?!

todski saw and liked it but not my little trick. At least I don't think he caught that part. I did labor to come up with a way to work it in!

 

[Wintermute01]

I can keep quiet no longer has nobody noticed this little nugget?!

Very cool Angeline, I hadn't noticed . Kudos to you

 

[Angeline]

Very cool Angeline, I hadn't noticed . Kudos to you

Thank you WM.

And thank UYS and champ, Ash, everyone who commented and wrote and explained in this thread because the ghazal has always kind of scared me, but now I feel I understand it better. Now I will probably try to play with the form more (which in my case likely means deviating from it but I am deviant that way).

 

[champagne1982]

Thank you WM.

And thank UYS and champ, Ash, everyone who commented and wrote and explained in this thread because the ghazal has always kind of scared me, but now I feel I understand it better. Now I will probably try to play with the form more (which in my case likely means deviating from it but I am deviant that way).

LOL yes, you are deviant... ermm, in a good way!

I noticed the name in the radif, EVEN! Right where it should be. I love that it's a poets' game to fit your name in. I like that champagne is boozy and easy to toss around. It was the angel that gave it away in yours. As soon as I noticed that, the other pieces fit.

 

[Angeline]

LOL yes, you are deviant... ermm, in a good way!

I noticed the name in the radif, EVEN! Right where it should be. I love that it's a poets' game to fit your name in. I like that champagne is boozy and easy to toss around. It was the angel that gave it away in yours. As soon as I noticed that, the other pieces fit.

I prolly should have tried to sneak a coffee reference in, too, just for Neo lol. But the idea of my name plus Patti Smith plus coffee was too much. Why would she be reciting and drinking coffee?

 

[butters]

Thank you WM.

And thank UYS and champ, Ash, everyone who commented and wrote and explained in this thread because the ghazal has always kind of scared me, but now I feel I understand it better. Now I will probably try to play with the form more (which in my case likely means deviating from it but I am deviant that way).

it's allowed me to kind of get my head around it, and i hope mine wasn't too sad as a poem despite using this complex form. i totally missed the part about putting my name into it - butty? where the hell would i have stuck that?

 

[todski28]

I can keep quiet no longer has nobody noticed this little nugget?!

I was thinking three a couple of days ago angel in earth was the easiest way to get Angeline into the last line but the ball did not fully drop, I only read it once and loved it, problem is I skip in and out at work, or it's about 5am whenever I'm on here so I'm blaming the sleep deprevation and distraction

 

[todski28]

it's allowed me to kind of get my head around it, and i hope mine wasn't too sad as a poem despite using this complex form. i totally missed the part about putting my name into it - butty? where the hell would i have stuck that?

Butt you should be able to figure it out

Edited to add thanks for the patience teach, wondering what you are going to do to this poor simple fools brain next!!

 

[butters]

Butt you should be able to figure it out

Edited to add thanks for the patience teach, wondering what you are going to do to this poor simple fools brain next!!

maybe in the next one, then

 

[Angeline]

if i'm not too late, here's what i've come up with - thanks to a thread about dire straits over on the GB and their track 'brothers in arms' used here for the title.

Brothers in arms


I look across the hills past all the beers gone by
the setting sun sits softened by the years gone by

And through the outward calm my skin still chills and bumps
a judder of the heart recalling cheers gone by

My lonely courage shivers, but it's just the light
that's bleeding from the land still seeping fears gone by

My eyes, not once they were, drink shadows' cool refrain
the landscape's stained blood-red with all the tears gone by

Beneath the sleeping mounds and ghosting poppy fields
the distant drums still rumble for my peers gone by

May they find peace beyond the living's hot torment
of living yet: brothers in arms - my dears - gone by






that last line's causing me a few issues as i'm needing to stress it:

of living yet; brothers in arms - my dears - gone by

laying that accent on the 'ers' of 'brothers' can make it work but it's a little strained.

I think this is lovely and evocative. Very meaningful to me, too, as I've recently been reading about my father's role as a medical assistant in WW2. I need to write more about that myself because it's my history and fascinates me.

And the last line works fine imo. Sometimes you have to make a judgment call, right? I knew when I used the word "prayer" in one of these I wrote that some people would read it as one syllable, others as two. But it felt like the right word, so I just went with it.

This line I didn't get:

My eyes, not once they were, drink shadows' cool refrain

I didn't get the "not once they were" part. Not once they were your eyes? Maybe I'm misreading it. I get dense that way at times.

I like this form a lot more now though. I think you can write one that is pretty straightforward and helps you practice rhyme and rhythm or you can also work a story across the couplets, even though you can't enjamb between them.

 

[butters]

I think this is lovely and evocative. Very meaningful to me, too, as I've recently been reading about my father's role as a medical assistant in WW2. I need to write more about that myself because it's my history and fascinates me.

And the last line works fine imo. Sometimes you have to make a judgment call, right? I knew when I used the word "prayer" in one of these I wrote that some people would read it as one syllable, others as two. But it felt like the right word, so I just went with it.

This line I didn't get:

My eyes, not once they were, drink shadows' cool refrain

I didn't get the "not once they were" part. Not once they were your eyes? Maybe I'm misreading it. I get dense that way at times.

I like this form a lot more now though. I think you can write one that is pretty straightforward and helps you practice rhyme and rhythm or you can also work a story across the couplets, even though you can't enjamb between them.

thanks, A since i've no personal experience, i went with a slightly dated feel (the 'my dears') and from the pov of a survivor, a veteran, whose memory of beers with his fellow soldiers is also underscored with the beers downed to distance the pain of memory.

yeah, judgement calls. sometimes they work, sometimes not so well - such is life

My eyes, not once they were, drink shadow's cool refrain - by this i tried to convey the narrator's eyes, whose sight's not as good as it once was, see more of the shadows, less of the detail - but the detail hurts so the shadows are somewhat soothing; the 'refrain' part is where they (the shadows/shades) come again and again, until one day there will only be the darkness, the absence of detail. something the N looks forward to. i chose to use 'drink' to echo the beers, and how the shadows are almost liquid in texture and soothe now more than any alcohol. of course, i didn't expect anyone to get all that from the line - that's just the thought process behind it

heh, maybe a ghazal-off one day?

 

[Angeline]

thanks, A since i've no personal experience, i went with a slightly dated feel (the 'my dears') and from the pov of a survivor, a veteran, whose memory of beers with his fellow soldiers is also underscored with the beers downed to distance the pain of memory.

yeah, judgement calls. sometimes they work, sometimes not so well - such is life

My eyes, not once they were, drink shadow's cool refrain - by this i tried to convey the narrator's eyes, whose sight's not as good as it once was, see more of the shadows, less of the detail - but the detail hurts so the shadows are somewhat soothing; the 'refrain' part is where they (the shadows/shades) come again and again, until one day there will only be the darkness, the absence of detail. something the N looks forward to. i chose to use 'drink' to echo the beers, and how the shadows are almost liquid in texture and soothe now more than any alcohol. of course, i didn't expect anyone to get all that from the line - that's just the thought process behind it

heh, maybe a ghazal-off one day?

How long do we get?

What do you think of something like:

"My eyes, ill used by time, drink..."?

Just a thought.

 

[butters]

How long do we get?

What do you think of something like:

"My eyes, ill used by time, drink..."?

Just a thought.

it's a damned good fix! links well with the 'still's, the hard I of 'time' links with 'light' and 'eyes' and i had no idea i'd used 'still' three times! oops. let's pretend that was quite deliberate, shall we, and not mention it to anyone else?

thankyou!

Brothers in arms


I look across the hills past all the beers gone by
the setting sun sits softened by the years gone by

And through the outward calm my skin still chills and bumps
a judder of the heart recalling cheers gone by

My lonely courage shivers, but it's just the light
that's bleeding from the land still seeping fears gone by

My eyes, ill used by time, drink shadows' cool refrain
the landscape's stained blood-red with all the tears gone by

Beneath the sleeping mounds and ghosting poppy fields
the distant drums still rumble for my peers gone by

May they find peace beyond the living's hot torment
of living yet: brothers in arms - my dears - gone by

 

[butters]

How long do we get?

*groans*
don't - just don't
(still recovering from this one)

 

[Angeline]

*groans*
don't - just don't
(still recovering from this one)

Sorry. I was writing it and kicking myself at the same time.

Move along readers. Nothing else to see here.