The Devil's Dictionary and other appropriate aphorisms

[A Desert Rose]

http://www.urban75.org/useless/insults.html

I'm not sure this is the right place for this post, but I am certainly not going to start a thread for it.

This seemed most appropriate for it.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Bumper Stickers you'd Like To See

Jesus loves you...
but everyone else thinks you're an ass.


Impotence ...
Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"


The proctologist called
... they found your head ...


Everyone has a photographic memory
... some just don't have any film.


Save your breath ...
You'll need it to blow up your date.


Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.


I used to have a handle on life ...
but it broke off.


WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.


Guys ...
just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.


Some people just don't know how to drive ...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"


Heart Attacks ...
God's revenge for eating His animal friends.


Don't like my driving?
Then quit watching me.


If you can read this ...
I can slam on my brakes and sue you.


Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.


Try not to let your mind wander ...
It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.


Hang up and drive!!


And The Number One Bumper Sticker ...

Welcome to America ...
now speak English

 

[redelicious]

Re: Bumper Stickers you'd Like To See

My favorite is "Hey you! Out of the gene pool!!"

 

[enigma nocturne]

Here is a quarter, there is the machine, now go buy a fucking clue!

Your family tree does not branch, does it?

Do the rest of us a favor, use a condom.

Someone fell out the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down...

 

[AngelicAssassin]

From the "Chronicles"

Riddick: It's an animal thing.

Jack/Kyra: Death by teacup.

Multiple: You keep what you kill.

 

[A Desert Rose]

True George Carlin-isms...

(See... this is what happens when you work nights half the week and then don't sleep like normal people at normal hours.)


I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around, the more I think it might not be a bad idea.

Suggested bumper sticker: “We are the Proud Parents of a Child Whose Self-Esteem is Sufficient that He Doesn’t Need Us Advertising His Minor Scholastic Achievements on the Bumper of Our Car.”

People seem to think that if there’s some problem that makes them unhappy in this country, all they have to do is stage a big march and everything will change. When will they learn?

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says “Caution: You are about to watch a real piece of shit.” Actually, they could just leave it on the screen all the time.

We busy ourselves with meaningless gestures such as Take Our Daughters to Work Day, which applies primarily to white, middle-class daughters. More help for the wrong people.

The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember.

If a man is smiling all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work.

Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, next time take your next trip in kilometers.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come home, set them on fire.

Most people are not particularly good at anything.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Someone said to me, "Make yourself a sandwich." Well, if I could make myself a sandwich, I wouldn't make myself a sandwich. I'd make myself a horny 18-year-old billionaire.

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. I think when you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Why is it with any piece of home electronics equipment there are always a few buttons and switches you never use?

Sometimes, when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.

What goes through a bird's mind when he finds himself flying through a fireworks display?

"Let's stop underage drinking before it starts." Please explain this to me. It sounds tricky.

Some people see things that are and ask, "Why?" Some people dream of things that never were and ask, "Why not?" Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit.

What year did Jesus think it was?

After the year 2000, I hope the crime of the century happens real soon, so I get to read about it.

I read about a woman who had sixty-three distinct personalities. Jesus! It would take long enough just finding out how everyone was feeling in the morning, can you imagine trying to plan a vacation?


And ADR's personal favorite....

There's a moment coming. It's not here yet. It's still on the way. It's in the future. It hasn't arrived. Here it comes. Here it is . . . shit! It's gone.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung."

~ Voltaire

 

[Wednesday'sRose]

In proof of Murphy

I thought of this when I saw that AA had posted Murphy's Laws of Combat. I don't really know how to explain it, so you'll just have to see it.


http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html

 

[Guest]

"In his entire life...Nothing quite so became him as the ending of it."

Unremembered

 

[AngelicAssassin]

"The same law that gives you the right to say anything you want also gives me the right to ridicule what you say mercilessly."
-Dennis Miller

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Assaf's Laws of Replacement Parts

* A failed 25¢ part cannot be replaced by a new 25¢ part, but by a sub-assembly whose cost is equal to or greater than that of the device in need of the part.

* The cost and availability of a replacement part are in inverse proportion to the cost of the whole system: a $1500 device will fail because of the burnout of a 25¢ capacitor. But the 25¢ capacitor is:

• no longer manufactured,
• manufactured only by a company in Outer Mongolia with an 18-month backlog, or
• available only as part of a $1550 sub-assembly.

 

[Milambus]

PROGRAM n
A magic spell cast upon a computer that turns your input into error messages.

PROGRAM v
An activity similar to banging ones head against a brick wall, except with fewer opportunities for advancement.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Karl Imhoff was a German engineer who developed sewage treatment systems in the early 1900's. His biggest contribution was the Imhoff Tank, which allows sewage to settle. The Imhoff Law relates to bosses everywhere, and states:

The largest chunks always rise to the top.​

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

This was said by one Domme to another both of whom are very close friends.

"I love you, and I am flattered that you care enough about me , to threaten me with harm"

Ain't grande.......smiles

 

[Red Sonja]

Evil Overlord List-- I

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...


The Top 100 Things I'd do if I Ever Became an Evil Overlord

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have reduntant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

If you have any other tidbits of advice that you would like to contribute to this list -- you're too late! The list is full. However there is still plenty of room left in the extended list. Feel free to e-mail Peter with your advice or visit the Evil Overlord Homepage at http://world.std.com/~olorin/peter_overlord.html. (Suggestion may be summarily rejected or edited without your permission. What do you expect from an EVIL Overlord?)

Edited to include the credits and website page!

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Ambrose Brice

Incompatibility: In matrimony, a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

• You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
• Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then they beat you with experience.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Customer Service

by David Leonhardt

Ever notice how customer service varies from store to store? You walk into some stores, and before you can say "Buzz off!" a salesperson asks "May I help you?"

"No thanks."

"May I help you?" asks another.

"No thanks."

"May I help you?" asks a third.

When the store runs out of salespeople, you get to see the merchandise. This is called "in your face customer service".

Other stores take the opposite approach. When you can't find the right size adapter for your new portable electronic zapper gizmo thingy, you look for help in aisle three. Nobody there. Aisle four? Still nobody. Aisle five? Nope. Aisle six? Seven? Fifty-six?

This is called "run for cover customer service".

Then there is the equipment shop that welcomes you with open arms when your lawn tractor starts sounding like dentures in a blender.

"It just needs a routine cleaning. We charge $150 for that," the friendly salesman says. Then he lowers his voice. "But you could probably do it yourself."

You commend him on his helpfulness. He beams with pride. "Yup. I thought it up by myself. Whenever a customer tries to fix something at home, we make a whole lot more money the next day. Think my boss will give me a raise for this?"

I call this "do-it-yourself-extortion".

And what about the three companies that came to quote on some ductwork? Each looks around, takes some notes and promises to get back to us with a quote.

We wait. And wait. And wait.

We call back the first company, which promises to get back to us with its quote. It makes the same promise consistently each time we call. I just love a reliable company.

This is called "consistent filibuster customer service".

We call the second company. We call them in the day. We call them in the night. We call them in the dark. We call them in the light. We call them in the morn. Well call them at high noon. We call them at dinner, and by the light of the moon.

Even bad poetry doesn't help. I just love a company that doesn't pester me by answering the phone.

I call this "Invisible Man customer service".

In the end, we choose a third company. To what does it owe the winning bid? Excellent quality? No. Great price? No. Strong guarantee? No? Answering their phone? Yes.

We hire the best paperwork fillers to renovate our ductwork – and we cross our fingers that we never have to choose a heart surgeon that way.

I call this "present-at-attendance customer service".

Our pest control company showed us a different approach.

"Honey, the flies are getting in the house. Time to call Pest Control Guy."

"OK, I'll do it right after I answer the phone. Hello?

"Hello, this is Pest Control Guy. When would you like your annual pest controlling?"

"How did you know? Well, as soon as possible. Hold on, that's the door bell."

"Hello, this is Pest Control Guy."

"But, you were just on the phone."

"You said ASAP, so here I am."

I call this "customer service on steroids".

If you own a business, run a family or do anything that brings you into contact with other human beings, please take note. One of these customer service styles is actually good.

"Hello, this is Pest Control Guy."

OK, that's enough. We don't have pests in this column.

"Hello, this is Pest Control Guy."

By the way, if you want to provide feedback to this column, I'll be holding my hands over my ears and singing the Klingon national anthem. I call that "satirical customer service".

"Hello, this is..." SWAT!

Guess which idiots i've dealt with lately.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Far too common...

d

• You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
• Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then they beat you with experience.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

For my favorite boy scout

Glad to see someone got it right.

 

[TooTiredToLive]

"We are here, and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine."

H.L. Mencken

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Sturgeon's Law

90% of everything is crap. - Theodore Sturgeon, SF author

maya's corollary to Sturgeon's Law:
Sturgeon's estimate is at LEAST 9% low.

Geoff's Postulate on maya's corollary:
Sturgeon made his estimate before there was an Internet.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

If careless means without care, why isn't wreck less without wreck?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you mix Vodka with OJ and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillips Screwdriver?

When cheese gets its picture taken what does it say?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?

Why are wise men and wiseguys opposites?

Why is it we recite a play and play at a recital?

Why is that a person who plays a piano is called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

Why is that when I wind up my watch I start something but when I wind up a project I finish something?


...and the beat goes on.

d

 

[TooTiredToLive]

When cheese gets its picture taken what does it say?
d

"Pretty Pink Panties!" I've told people to say this for years, and almost always get a much more realistic smile/grin/laugh than any other "Say" x I've tried.

 

[neonflux]

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians, denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

d

All of these were great but this one just had me rolling!