The Devil's Dictionary and other appropriate aphorisms

[Esclava]

Rejection, n. - Salvation from consorting with a VIP member from the lowest level of the gene pool.

Esclava

Edited to add: You really have to hear the story ...

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Disobey ~ To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Woman

1: a member of the fair sex.
=> antithesis: man - a member of the unfair sex.
2: what many men prefer.
3: what some women prefer... because they've met too many men.
4: a person... too bad so many forget this...

Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust,
if it weren't for women,
your johnson would rust.

sevenup

Just a comment.. I see some pretty fair men in my day...lol I know I am supposed to come up with something!

 

[Ebonyfire]

here is a good one

TELEPHONE, n.

An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

Which is why I never answer the phone.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Second to none.

Lovely.

 

[BiBunny]

Love, According To BiBunny And Dorothy Parker

The complete poem from my sig, "Love Song," by Dorothy Parker, one of my favorite writers and inventors of witticisms.

"My own dear love, he is strong and bold,
And he cares not what comes after.
His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
And his eyes are lit with laughter.
He is jubilant as a flag unfurled--
Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
My own dear love, he is all my world,--
And I wish I'd never met him.

My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
And a wild young wood-thing bore him.
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
And the skies are sunlit for him.
As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
As the fragrance of acacia.
My own dear love, he is all my dreams,--
And I wish he were in Asia.

My love runs by like a day in June,
And he makes no friend of sorrows.
He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
In the pathway of the morrows.
He'll live his days where the sunbeams start,
Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
My own dear love, he is all my heart,--
And I wish somebody'd shoot him."

 

[graceanne]

The complete poem from my sig, "Love Song," by Dorothy Parker, one of my favorite writers and inventors of witticisms.

That song reminds me, a bit, of Tom Lehr's 'I hold your hand in mine'.

I hold your hand in mine, dear,
I press it to my lips.
I take a healthy bite
From your dainty fingertips.

My joy would be complete, dear,
If you were only here,
But still I keep your hand
As a precious souvenir.

The night you died I cut it off.
I really don't know why.
For now each time I kiss it
I get bloodstains on my tie.

I'm sorry now I killed you,
For our love was something fine,
And till they come to get me
I shall hold your hand in mine.

 

[BiBunny]

That song reminds me, a bit, of Tom Lehr's 'I hold your hand in mine'.

I hold your hand in mine, dear,
I press it to my lips.
I take a healthy bite
From your dainty fingertips.

My joy would be complete, dear,
If you were only here,
But still I keep your hand
As a precious souvenir.

The night you died I cut it off.
I really don't know why.
For now each time I kiss it
I get bloodstains on my tie.

I'm sorry now I killed you,
For our love was something fine,
And till they come to get me
I shall hold your hand in mine.

I love it!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

That song reminds me, a bit, of Tom Lehr's 'I hold your hand in mine'.

I hold your hand in mine, dear,
I press it to my lips.
I take a healthy bite
From your dainty fingertips.

My joy would be complete, dear,
If you were only here,
But still I keep your hand
As a precious souvenir.

The night you died I cut it off.
I really don't know why.
For now each time I kiss it
I get bloodstains on my tie.

I'm sorry now I killed you,
For our love was something fine,
And till they come to get me
I shall hold your hand in mine.

You need more sleep.

 

[graceanne]

I love it!

You should check out the rest of his stuff. That's actually not my favorite of his. My favorite is 'rickety tickety tin'.

About a maid Ill sing a song,
Sing rickety-tickety-tin,
About a maid Ill sing a song
Who didnt have her family long.
Not only did she do them wrong,
She did evryone of them in, them in,
She did evryone of them in.

One morning in a fit of pique,
Sing rickety-tickety-tin,
One morning in a fit of pique,
She drowned her father in the creek.
The water tasted bad for a week,
And we had to make do with gin, with gin,
We had to make do with gin.

Her mother she could never stand,
Sing rickety-tickety-tin,
Her mother she cold never stand,
And so a cyanide soup she planned.
The mother died with a spoon in her hand,
And her face in a hideous grin, a grin,
Her face in a hideous grin.

She set her sisters hair on fire,
Sing rickety-tickety-tin,
She set her sisters hair on fire,
And as the smoke and flame rose highr,
Danced around the funeral pyre,
Playin a violin, -olin,
Playin a violin.

She weighted her brother down with stones,
Rickety-tickety-tin,
She weighted her brother down with stones,
And sent him off to davy jones.
All they ever found were some bones,
And occasional pieces of skin, of skin,
Occasional pieces of skin.

One day when she had nothing to do,
Sing rickety-tickety-tin,
One day when she had nothing to do,
She cut her baby brother in two,
And served him up as an irish stew,
And invited the neighbors in, -bors in,
Invited the neighbors in.

And when at last the police came by,
Sing rickety-tickety-tin,
And when at last the police came by,
Her little pranks she did not deny,
To do so she would have had to lie,
And lying, she knew, was a sin, a sin,
Lying, she knew, was a sin.

My tragic tale, I wont prolong,
Rickety-tickety-tin,
My tragic tale I wont prolong,
And if you do not enjoy the song,
Youve yourselves to blame if its too long,
You should never have let me begin, begin,
You should never have let me begin.

 

[graceanne]

You need more sleep.

Why do you say that? *flutters lashes*

 

[Blushing Bottom]

God woman!!

Where do you find this stuff.

It sounds like lyrics from some old mountain clan.

Scary

You should check out the rest of his stuff. That's actually not my favorite of his. My favorite is 'rickety tickety tin'.

About a maid Ill sing a song,
Sing rickety-tickety-tin,
About a maid Ill sing a song
Who didnt have her family long.
Not only did she do them wrong,
She did evryone of them in, them in,
She did evryone of them in.

One morning in a fit of pique,
Sing rickety-tickety-tin,
One morning in a fit of pique,
She drowned her father in the creek.
The water tasted bad for a week,
And we had to make do with gin, with gin,
We had to make do with gin.

Her mother she could never stand,
Sing rickety-tickety-tin,
Her mother she cold never stand,
And so a cyanide soup she planned.
The mother died with a spoon in her hand,
And her face in a hideous grin, a grin,
Her face in a hideous grin.

She set her sisters hair on fire,
Sing rickety-tickety-tin,
She set her sisters hair on fire,
And as the smoke and flame rose highr,
Danced around the funeral pyre,
Playin a violin, -olin,
Playin a violin.

She weighted her brother down with stones,
Rickety-tickety-tin,
She weighted her brother down with stones,
And sent him off to davy jones.
All they ever found were some bones,
And occasional pieces of skin, of skin,
Occasional pieces of skin.

One day when she had nothing to do,
Sing rickety-tickety-tin,
One day when she had nothing to do,
She cut her baby brother in two,
And served him up as an irish stew,
And invited the neighbors in, -bors in,
Invited the neighbors in.

And when at last the police came by,
Sing rickety-tickety-tin,
And when at last the police came by,
Her little pranks she did not deny,
To do so she would have had to lie,
And lying, she knew, was a sin, a sin,
Lying, she knew, was a sin.

My tragic tale, I wont prolong,
Rickety-tickety-tin,
My tragic tale I wont prolong,
And if you do not enjoy the song,
Youve yourselves to blame if its too long,
You should never have let me begin, begin,
You should never have let me begin.

 

[graceanne]

God woman!!

Where do you find this stuff.

It sounds like lyrics from some old mountain clan.

Scary

Everyone in my family knows these songs. My grandpa has all of Tom Lehrs old records, and we sing the song all the time. My mom taught me that song when I was six.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

• If you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

• The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

• When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Nine Terms Women Use

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. 'That's okay' means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, nor faint. Just say 'you're welcome.' (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's polite way of saying F U!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

[flika]

An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.
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Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand.
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Bentley's second Law of Economics: The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist!
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Berta's Fundamental Law of Economic Rents.. "The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist."
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Definition: Policy Analyst is someone unethical enough to be a lawyer, impractical enough to be a theologian, and pedantic enough to be an economist.
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Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!"
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Q: How has French revolution affected world economic growth?

A: Too early to say.
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Q: What do economists and computers have in common?

A: You need to punch information into both of them.
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Q: Why does Treasury only have 10 minutes for morning tea?

A: If they had any longer, they would need to re-train all the economists.
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Q: Did you hear of the economist who dove into his swimming pool and broke his neck?

A: He forgot to seasonally adjust his pool.
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NATURAL RATE OF UNEMPLOYMENT: Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
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Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it.
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Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the bulb.
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Q: How many neo-classical economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It depends on the wage rate.
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Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
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Q: How many B-school doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: I'm writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer for you in about five years.
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Q: How many investors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None - the market has already discounted the change.
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Q: How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light bulb?

A: All. Because then you will generate employment, more consumption, dislocating the aggregate demand to the right.
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Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None - the bulb contains within it the seeds of its own revolution.
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When drawing up the guest list for a dinner party, inviting more than 25% economists ruins the conversation.
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Economics is the painful elaboration of the obvious
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Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Seven plus or minus ten.
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Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Irrelevant - the light bulb's preferences are to be taken as given.
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Q: What's the difference between an economist and a befuddled old man with Alzheimer's?

A: The economist is the one with the calculator.
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Given 1000 economists, there will be 10 theoretical economists with different theories on how to change the light bulb and 990 empirical economists laboring to determine which theory is the *correct* one, and everyone will still be in the dark.
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Q: Why did God create economists?

A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.
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Q: What does an economist do?

A: A lot in the short run, which amounts to nothing in the long run.
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Two economists meet on the street.

One inquires, "How's your wife?"

The other responds, "Relative to what?"
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To an economist, real life is a special case.
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Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Eight. One to screw it in and seven to hold everything else constant.
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Economists have forecast nine out of the last five recessions.
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When an economist says the evidence is "mixed," he or she means that theory says one thing and data says the opposite.

Econometrics is the art of drawing a crooked line from an unproved assumption to a foregone conclusion."

Q: Why has astrology been invented?

A: So that economy could be an accurate science.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Late Spring

The time of a year i love most. Women's heels rise, as do their hemlines, and they finally remember their hips are made differently than those of men. One can finally enjoy the heat of the sun baking upon one's chest/back while practicing the ancient art of girl watching.