The Dog & Cat Diary

[shy slave]

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:
8:00 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m.Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m.Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m.Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m.Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m.Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 183 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts.
They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.
Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food.
More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies."
Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.

The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.
He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move.
Due to his current placement in the high metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

Hmmm That Phoenix Stone is a cat lover, is she planning to overthrow the Doms with her wicked ways??

 

[dragonlace]

LMAO thank you that was great and just what i needed

 

[kitty4ever]

Cats are wonderfully evil

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

Cats are wonderfully evil

<--- Aren't we though?

 

[Vixandra]

My parents have:

Day 183 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

on a door mat in front of thier house.
Quite amusing since my step mom's allergic to cats and they have one anyway.

 

[rozezwild]

OHHHHHH that was so what i needed and since i have both types you are talking about now i know why the damn cat curls around my legs and the dog is on my bed dont i?? Still have to love them all and would not get rid of any of them for nothing

 

[shy slave]

rozez

All you need is a bird to report the cats latest scheme back to you and you will have the ful set

 

[rosco rathbone]

That very funny little dog and cat essay makes it clear to me why I have always been a cat lover.

 

[shy slave]

That very funny little dog and cat essay makes it clear to me why I have always been a cat lover.

Somehow I am not surprised by this revelation lol

 

[rozezwild]

Re: rozez

All you need is a bird to report the cats latest scheme back to you and you will have the ful set

oh no you read my thoughts and i got an amozon grey today

 

[AngelicAssassin]

For pure amusement value ...

Dogs are Greater than Cats
Written by Survival Tobita

Saturday, 26 June 2004
Dogs are far greater than cats. This proposition is so true that this entire article is somewhat pointless. However, in the spirit of pointlessness, I shall continue, mainly because the forum (located just a short click away) has been debating this recently. In the meantime, I would ask you to consider, what have cats done for you lately? Huh? First off on the agenda, it's past the year 2000 and thus, thanks to sociologist terror groups sabotaging the zeitgeist to protest their lack of funding, everything we think we know is in fact a post-modern soup of interchangeable lies. The only solution to this shifting fog of unknowns is to base all our judgement in primal and base criteria of worth. Invariably, these are less vulnerable to nit picking from the kind of people who insist that, more zips on the leather jacket would improve the cover of Michael Jackson's Bad. These people are stupid. The correct answer is of course more plastic surgery, white tape on the fingers and a red, gold and green leather medallion in the shape of the African continent.

So, in this vein, we will cut to the chase and insist that dogs are better looking and far more intelligent than cats. Looks and brains are the true currency of our modern times and the real reason why dogs are greater than cats. This is best illustrated by famous celebrity couples like Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller, and Hulk Hogan and Emily Dickinson. The combination of these is all that counts in our modern world.

So, everyone knows that dogs are cuter than cats. That's why we have kick ass beauty contests for dogs and nothing for cats. Dogs also advertise far more products than cats in your local Uber-Mart. Everyone likes looking at a cute, cuddly dog. Face it. Dogs are the go-to-4-legged animals when Hollywood wants a positive audience reaction. That is why James Stewart had it written into his MGM contract that his characters always had to have a dog at home. That is why Dracula has a cat.

Dogs are also super smart. Like totally. You can train a dog to do all kinds of awesome shit. When was the last time you saw a cat line dancing to Billy Ray Cyrus? Huh? Huh? Yeah, that's right you cat fucks, that doesn't happen because your parasitic friends are out running guns and selling drugs to school children when you put them out at night. Dogs meanwhile are able to line dance and more. There are competitions devoted to their amazing abilities at performance dancing, finding hidden objects, swimming, jumping though hoops (sometimes things on fire, I saw that once on Discovery), skydiving, stunt driving and quantum optics problem solving.

When was the last time you saw a cat giving a seminar on ion channel receptors or a lecture on the ambiguous nature of the countryside in Russian literature? Exactly. Cats suck. They are the kid who sits in class and carves the names of his father's girlfriends into his arm with a compass and then picks at the scab and keeps it in a bottle for a snack.


So having focussed on dogs strengths. let's consider the arguments of the cat lovers.

Friendship is often waived around by cat owners as a token of their worth. This however isn't friendship, more a form of parasitism. This is why you read about "cat ladies" who got their first cat in their mid-30s, shortly after Brad/Dontrelle/Vladimir left them for Mary Jane/LaQueesha/Tatiana. The cat was an experiment at first, just something to practice on whilst they made the last moves in the biological clock end game. Then the cat poison took effect and 30 years later, the animal heath people have her compound surrounded and the SWAT team is ready to move in dressed in space suits to decontaminate the nest of mutant, antibiotic-resistant-bacteria-infested super cats that have taken over her body.

To further my point, consider: when was the last time you read about a faithful cat who ran across the shark-infested Rockies to get help for its owner who was trapped under a boulder and surrounded by suicide bombers? Dogs do that shit every day. Sometimes it doesn't even get on page 2 of your local newspaper.

Dogs are the greatest companions you will ever have. They need you to survive in the modern world but they'll pay you back in spades. That's the deal we've made with them through the process of evolution. We feed them and protect them from badass predators like bears, ligers and SUVs. They in turn watch our backs when crackheads are sneaking around in our gardens and bring us the newspaper in the morning. Thus they are a key part of our lives, protecting us from all that stuff that can go wrong involving poor people coming near our suburbs.

They're so good at defence and newspaper fetching that the Pentagon has been training them up. Dogs have been serving in the armies of democracy for many years (the commie Russians had cats and pokemon infected with smallpox). Hitler's dog was an undercover agent for Britain's SOE and was responsible for breaking the Enigma code. Churchill had a bulldog that stopped the London blitz by saving people from bombs so the Germans gave up and went to bomb New York where there were less dogs. They had a super secret jet bomber for that. I saw it on Discovery Channel.

Dogs serve with distinction in the US Military prison system, currently keeping us all safe from dangerous prisoners who try to scare them by walking around naked and stuff. Dogs aren't scared of that. I think President Bush gave a dog a medal for standing up to those naked guys. That's what I heard from my buddy in Iraq.

They're also in the Navy. They're trained to look for mines on the bottom of ships. I think that's dogs. It might be dolphins, but I think they're also a kind of swimming dog. I saw that on Discovery.

As I mentioned above, dogs are frequently featured in our media for their heroic acts. This only serves to illustrate my next point about their contribution to keeping roving 24-hour news reporters in employment. Yeah.

Anyway, back to the companionship thing. When you've had a crappy day at work and you come home to an empty house, where the fuck is your cat? That's right, kitty is out mugging some old lady for her pension book and will only be back home when it's time for you to open the tin of Whiskers. The faithful hound however will go apeshit the moment its highly evolved nose smells you coming down the path. You'll get a wagging tail and a wet tongue to welcome you through the door, then you'll get pestered to play ball in the garden and discuss the recent developments in Iraq over a quick game of speed chess. Following a foot rub and a nice cup of tea, you'll be left wondering what you would do if, all those years ago, primitive man had not welcomed the savage wolf into this delicious dance of domestic delight. Dogs pwn at alliteration too. A dog wrote that sentence with all the d-words in.

Then when dinner time comes around, you'll share out your food with your four legged buddy, just because you know he'd share his chicken carcass with you if you wanted any of that filthy shit. Finally, he'll take care of loading the dishwasher and then hit the gym with you to practice some no-gi techniques. A dog showed Fedor how to survive Randleman slams.

So, that proves those cat people wrong. Ha.

Oh wait, to answer one last common criticism, a lot of people think that the dog-human relationship is all about weak willed people wanting an animal to dominate and control. Well to those people I say, fuck you, don't say that, that's cheap, fuck you, I'll get you and my dog will fucking pwn your cat.

That is the end, and if you still think cats > dogs you're an idiot.

Yours truly,

Tobita

Copped from a web page in someone's signature ... and thanks stud for the pure amusement value ...

 

[shy slave]

Re: For pure amusement value ...

Dogs are Greater than Cats
Written by Survival Tobita

Cats suck. They are the kid who sits in class and carves the names of his father's girlfriends into his arm with a compass and then picks at the scab and keeps it in a bottle for a snack.

My favourite phrase, so descriptive

Copped from a web page in someone's signature ... and thanks stud for the pure amusement value ...

Thanks AA gave me a laugh after a bad day at work

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Re: Re: For pure amusement value ...

Thanks AA gave me a laugh after a bad day at work

Quite welcome.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Well, whoever the hell wrote that I think I'm in love... which shows you what a fickle slut I am for a big, hard brain...

The topic reminds me of a little story that just happened a couple of nights ago which I neglected to share, one which shows that the cats are now in it together with the lesser beasts --

Now I'd been feeling rather poorly for the last couple of weeks, so when a couple of nights ago I got into bed and my husband suggested that I'd begun to, well, there's no discreet way to put this, stink,I accepted it, though, feeling forlorn, I told myself -- and tried to tell my husband -- I didn't smell That bad! Truly, however, I was hurt when he insisted I shower, then shower again, and finally took his pillow and stalked off to the living room, muttering something about how I smelled like a dead animal. I noted sadly but with acceptance how he kept his distance out of bed, too, despite my protests that I Really didn't smell anything now. The next night he pointed to the computer screen with triumph, 'See!' I barely noticed the way he backed gingerly away at my approach. The computer screen listed bacterial vaginosis, with some discussion of the stench involved. With my agreement that, yes, I Would go to the doctor Monday, and another extended shower, he probably as much out of sheer habit as anything, climbed into bed. After sniffing myself all over as far as my nose could reach, I climbed in and he raised the sheets over us, then let them fall. 'Oh my GOD!' he gasped, scrambing out of bed away from me.
'Smell me,' I said. 'I'm fine!' Being a far braver man than he is perhaps credited for, he paused. 'Dont you Smell it?' 'Well, yes,' I admitted, 'I do smell something but really I smelled ok when I first got out of the shower. Smell me!' Meanwhile, some part of mind had begun to click, as I sniffed around. By that point I had reached his part of the bed. 'Oh my GOD!' I finished. Now we were both looking at each other warily but I could he was sure it was me and I'd somehow affected his side of the bed. I wavered, trying to remember where I'd sat last, and....
Not to stretch the story out too much further -- we eventually got the brilliant idea of lifting the sheet.

There it was.

A dead lizard.

Our cat had been making regular presents to us, mostly roofrats. But a couple nights before, had been a lizard I'd tried to rescue.

How the lizard had made it's way across the living room, down the hall, into our bedroom and up under our sheet, is anyone's guess. Next time the cat keeps the lizard.

And next time, if there's a bad smell, It's Not My Fault!

 

[shy slave]

Well, whoever the hell wrote that I think I'm in love... which shows you what a fickle slut I am for a big, hard brain...

The topic reminds me of a little story that just happened a couple of nights ago which I neglected to share, one which shows that the cats are now in it together with the lesser beasts --

Now I'd been feeling rather poorly for the last couple of weeks, so when a couple of nights ago I got into bed and my husband suggested that I'd begun to, well, there's no discreet way to put this, stink,I accepted it, though, feeling forlorn, I told myself -- and tried to tell my husband -- I didn't smell That bad! Truly, however, I was hurt when he insisted I shower, then shower again, and finally took his pillow and stalked off to the living room, muttering something about how I smelled like a dead animal. I noted sadly but with acceptance how he kept his distance out of bed, too, despite my protests that I Really didn't smell anything now. The next night he pointed to the computer screen with triumph, 'See!' I barely noticed the way he backed gingerly away at my approach. The computer screen listed bacterial vaginosis, with some discussion of the stench involved. With my agreement that, yes, I Would go to the doctor Monday, and another extended shower, he probably as much out of sheer habit as anything, climbed into bed. After sniffing myself all over as far as my nose could reach, I climbed in and he raised the sheets over us, then let them fall. 'Oh my GOD!' he gasped, scrambing out of bed away from me.
'Smell me,' I said. 'I'm fine!' Being a far braver man than he is perhaps credited for, he paused. 'Dont you Smell it?' 'Well, yes,' I admitted, 'I do smell something but really I smelled ok when I first got out of the shower. Smell me!' Meanwhile, some part of mind had begun to click, as I sniffed around. By that point I had reached his part of the bed. 'Oh my GOD!' I finished. Now we were both looking at each other warily but I could he was sure it was me and I'd somehow affected his side of the bed. I wavered, trying to remember where I'd sat last, and....
Not to stretch the story out too much further -- we eventually got the brilliant idea of lifting the sheet.

There it was.

A dead lizard.

Our cat had been making regular presents to us, mostly roofrats. But a couple nights before, had been a lizard I'd tried to rescue.

How the lizard had made it's way across the living room, down the hall, into our bedroom and up under our sheet, is anyone's guess. Next time the cat keeps the lizard.

And next time, if there's a bad smell, It's Not My Fault!

Oh My God Stoney that is worthy of its own thread!

Now I can sleep with a thinking amusing thoughts...perhaps I'll check the sheets first though

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Yeah, the dead lizard in the bed is definitely gonna be one of those marital hilights we'll always remember. We both ended up on the floor laughing.
Still makes me wonder, though, why we were both so quick to assign me the blame.

And man, if you have ever smelt decomposing lizard, well let's just say it gives one the means for comparison thereafter. Sets the whatchacallit, like in pole-vaulting. It's gonna Always be, 'yeah, but does it smell like a dead lizard?'

still shaking my head. Glad you liked it, I was really posting it for you, dear. Betcha didn't know I cared so.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Dog's Letters To God

(Lifted from Lonsberry)

Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?

 

[snowy ciara]

from a Cat's letter to God..

Dear God,

Are there dogs in heaven? What about hell? I want to leave my options open..

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Who's zooming whom?

http://www.lonsberry.com/writers/RK555/photos/7864/Large%5FSMILE%20dog%2Ejpg

 

[DustyWolfe]

Sounds like my puppy... Except for him life revolves around food and playing in the water

But all he is doing tonight is whining. He got neutered and can have a pain pill after he drinks something, waits a half hour and eats something. I feel so bad for him, but he wont drink and he is hungry.

 

[snowy ciara]

aaawww.. poor baby boy.. When my dad's dog was "done" the vet said that if he'd let them, they should put a wet washcloth in the freezer til it was cool but still flexible. Then put it in a zippy, wrap it in another dry washcloth and put it on his parts. He may not hold still for it, though. Hopefully he'll drink soon, though!

 

[DustyWolfe]

aaawww.. poor baby boy.. When my dad's dog was "done" the vet said that if he'd let them, they should put a wet washcloth in the freezer til it was cool but still flexible. Then put it in a zippy, wrap it in another dry washcloth and put it on his parts. He may not hold still for it, though. Hopefully he'll drink soon, though!

He chewed up the antiobiotic but not sure how much he got in him. Then he actually ate the pain pill, I think... Unless it's clinging to his fur somewhere. (I hope not).. We have a frozen wash cloth that he chews on. We might try that. It doesn't help that he had to have a skin scraping above his right eye. He has mange *sigh* I feel like such a bad puppy parent. But they said it is common at his age.

He's chewing a beef tail now but whining while chewing. It's odd...

 

[snowy ciara]

poor little guy.. I'd want to scoop him up and give him a cuddle, but he's probably not real thrilled with the the two legged people right now..

 

[shy slave]

Dog Letters & The pic

AA once again you have proved that underneath that aloof outer shell beats a soft, warm puppy heart The posts really made me laugh ~ thank you

 

[shy slave]

Dusty

How is your puppy? How long do they take to recover? I thought abouth having my ex done but I was just going to use two house bricks when he was asleep.. Seriously hope your puppy is ok