The fuse is getting short. . .

[Panama Hat]

I have been a lurker on this board for years. The posters and commenters are amazing people. I just wanted to see what they had to say.

I've been married for nearly 20 years. The wife has fallen into the clutches of modern psychiatry -- antidepressants, sleeping pills, and 10 other drugs that change every six months. We have children. Wonderful, put-together children who know that life isn't fair and they are the masters of their own destiny; and who are doing well at it.

Wife has been chemically castrated. Zoloft, Prozac, 8 other drugs plus two different sleeping pills.

We went to see "Love and Other Drugs" the other day and I almost started crying about the Anne Hathaway character. I remember days when we would have sex three or four times a day. Now, since she can't feel anything (due to the meds) we never even fool around.

I'm a professed epicurean. Pleasure is the highest form of human realization. I almost started crying in the movie because there was a woman who enjoyed sex and had a hunger for human touch that validated our tenuous existence on this sphere.

For the polys here; how does it work out in the end? I'm thinking of trying to find sanity outside of the marriage, but the children and the marriage, actually, are valuable and worthwhile for me. I just can't compete against the medical fraud and the philosophical charlatanism, and the loneliness!

Divorce is not the solution (I don't think.) The children are worth sacrificing for, I think. I just want to know if anybody has severed this gordian knot?

(I'm not the whining type. Like I said, member here for years and years. I just wonder if I'm alone?)

 

[SweetErika]

Divorce is not the solution (I don't think.) The children are worth sacrificing for, I think.

Don't your kids deserve to see at least one of their parents happy and modeling healthy relationships? Yes, divorce is hard on everyone, but it's not as hard as living unfulfilled and kids learning unhealthy relationship behaviors (which could very well lead them to divorce in the future).

My husband grew up with parents who loved each other but weren't fulfilled and never showed any affection. He's very screwed up from that, and it's greatly affected our relationship because I need the affection and affirmation that are generally extremely difficult for him to give. Our son needs it, too (though he makes a conscious effort to do what feels unnatural/uncomfortable to him in that area). Kids deserve to see happy, healthy parents, whether those parents are together or apart.

My main question for you is have you talked to your wife about opening the relationship so you can get your sexual (and perhaps other) needs met? If so, what has she said? If not, why not? IMO, there's no sense in putting the cart before the horse; if it's something she's not open to, you'll need explore your other options rather than trying to figure out how to make poly/swinging/whatever work.

 

[zarngash]

How long has she been fighting her depression? Have you read any books about being married to someone suffering clinical depression?

How do discuss the lack of physical intimacy in your relationship with her?

Have you attended any sessions with with her or discussed marriage counseling?

You sound frustrated. Perhaps you could try some therapy work to help you work through the stress and emotions you have with regards to your wife's condition.

I have been a lurker on this board for years. The posters and commenters are amazing people. I just wanted to see what they had to say.

I've been married for nearly 20 years. The wife has fallen into the clutches of modern psychiatry -- antidepressants, sleeping pills, and 10 other drugs that change every six months. We have children. Wonderful, put-together children who know that life isn't fair and they are the masters of their own destiny; and who are doing well at it.

Wife has been chemically castrated. Zoloft, Prozac, 8 other drugs plus two different sleeping pills.

We went to see "Love and Other Drugs" the other day and I almost started crying about the Anne Hathaway character. I remember days when we would have sex three or four times a day. Now, since she can't feel anything (due to the meds) we never even fool around.

I'm a professed epicurean. Pleasure is the highest form of human realization. I almost started crying in the movie because there was a woman who enjoyed sex and had a hunger for human touch that validated our tenuous existence on this sphere.

For the polys here; how does it work out in the end? I'm thinking of trying to find sanity outside of the marriage, but the children and the marriage, actually, are valuable and worthwhile for me. I just can't compete against the medical fraud and the philosophical charlatanism, and the loneliness!

Divorce is not the solution (I don't think.) The children are worth sacrificing for, I think. I just want to know if anybody has severed this gordian knot?

(I'm not the whining type. Like I said, member here for years and years. I just wonder if I'm alone?)

 

[cromsgirl]

Wonderful ideas

Both previous posters have great ideas. Being the spouse of someone with any kind of permanent illness, mental or physical, is extremely difficult. You should definitely get some literature on the subject, and if possible some therapy or possibly a support group as well. Even an internet forum for spouses of depressed people.
As for actually being open, you must have complete trust in your partner, you must discuss all details including when, where, who, how often, what is allowed, what isn't. You must talk it to death and then talk some more. And be prepared for a total negation at any point. A person can totally believe that they will be fine with being open, but when it happens they realize they are NOT OK with it. If you don't have the negation option outlined BEFORE anything happens, a person may feel like they gave permission and can't go back on their word, but it tears them up inside and they hide it and eventually it just tears the relationship apart.

 

[LaRocha]

Healthy sexual relationships and healthy marriages hardly ever come into contact with one another and when they do it's brief. It seems you had some time with your wife in a healthy sexual relationship? Count yourself lucky for the time you had and stay loyal to your family. More counseling and dialogue, more masturbation etc. blah blah woof woof. When you get older you either accept the pleasure that comes from stability, fidelity, filial love and responsibility, or you lose your mind over getting your dick wet and ruin your life.

 

[NomadLady]

It doesn't sound like your wife would be capable of making a decision about a poly relationship if she is so numb. If she is that numb towards your children as well then if you do again consider divorce, you might want to consider getting custody of your kids. They don't deserve to be mothered by chemicals instead of a caring, loving human.

 

[Tetriak]

The wife has fallen into the clutches of modern psychiatry -- antidepressants, sleeping pills, and 10 other drugs that change every six months.

Luckily you've stalwartly remained in 1893, where men are men and women are just hysterical? Is that it?

We have children. Wonderful, put-together children who know that life isn't fair and they are the masters of their own destiny; and who are doing well at it.

What a locution. I see where you are going with this.

Wife has been chemically castrated. Zoloft, Prozac, 8 other drugs plus two different sleeping pills.

Chemically castrated? What does that even begin to mean in this context?

We went to see "Love and Other Drugs" the other day and I almost started crying about the Anne Hathaway character. I remember days when we would have sex three or four times a day. Now, since she can't feel anything (due to the meds) we never even fool around.

I'm a professed epicurean. Pleasure is the highest form of human realization. I almost started crying in the movie because there was a woman who enjoyed sex and had a hunger for human touch that validated our tenuous existence on this sphere.

You're sensitive. That's clear. Ok. But, I suspect that your understanding of Epicureanism has a strong hedonistic bend. This is not what was intended in the original. In fact, you should be finding peace/pleasure in the control you have OVER your sexual desires.

For the polys here; how does it work out in the end? I'm thinking of trying to find sanity outside of the marriage, but the children and the marriage, actually, are valuable and worthwhile for me. I just can't compete against the medical fraud and the philosophical charlatanism, and the loneliness!

Let's be clear. You're asking about having sex with someone other than your wife. You can either do it on the sly, or you should be having this conversation with her directly. There isn't a Gaussian solution to this issue.

Divorce is not the solution (I don't think.) The children are worth sacrificing for, I think. I just want to know if anybody has severed this gordian knot?

Gordian knot? How so? The simple, unrealized solution to coping with the unbalanced sexual drives in your marriage brought about by one spouse's serious psychological problems is to get a mistress? Then all of Asia?

(I'm not the whining type. Like I said, member here for years and years. I just wonder if I'm alone?)

My sincere recommendation is to masturbate several times a day. Furiously.

 

[phillyinjun]

My husband grew up with parents who loved each other but weren't fulfilled and never showed any affection. He's very screwed up from that, and it's greatly affected our relationship because I need the affection and affirmation ..

Erika, quick question - did his parents really not show any affection? I love my wife and show a lot physical affection toward each other in public. Sexually I am not fulfilled and she is not open to being poly. So I cheat - online relationships, porn, etc. I am hoping that I don't fall into your in-laws category. Thought I was doing a good job until I read your post.

 

[Annabell4you]

Communication! As someone who has battled many things, depression included, it was my husbands wake up call that made me deal with my devils.

I would tell her what mine told me "you're killing yourself with all this"

There are natural alternatives that can help. If you don't know where to look, send me a PM and I will ask around.

I am a healer myself, but I can't lay my hands on her... So you're going to have to be the one to wake her up.

You wouldn't have asked if she wasn't worth it.

 

[Panama Hat]

The value of other perspectives!

Erika, that is a great point. I really need to think that one through.

I would love to get therapy, but the times we have tried we got fired because her issues precluded our progress. (honest!)

Tetriak, I lol'ed. . . Not anti-psychiatry, just anti-psychiatrists. The Oriental solution might have to be explored more thoroughly.

I hate realizing you've driven down a cul-de-sac.

 

[Tetriak]

Annabell,

Here's how I understand you:

If modern medicine declares you ill, find your own medicine.

I am unconvinced that a new pathology is the answer.

 

[SweetErika]

Erika, quick question - did his parents really not show any affection? I love my wife and show a lot physical affection toward each other in public. Sexually I am not fulfilled and she is not open to being poly. So I cheat - online relationships, porn, etc. I am hoping that I don't fall into your in-laws category. Thought I was doing a good job until I read your post.

Pretty much, yeah. In YEARS of visits, I only saw and heard ONE expression of affection, and that was when my mother-in-law was dying. My husband describes growing up as, "We only said 'love' when we signed birthday cards.'" He does think they had a fairly active sex life, though.

I'm not sure whether the kids were more screwed up by seeing an unhealthy relationship modeled or not being shown a lot of affection themselves, but I strongly believe kids need both to grow up happy and healthy. Part of that's my own experience of growing up with a lot of affection, but seeing an incredibly unhealthy relationship before and after my parents finally divorced when I was 10. And, yes, my dad was a cheater, and I still have a lot of fear about being cheated on and abandoned when my own marriage is rough, even though my husband is a far better person.

If you have kids, don't be lulled into thinking they don't see something is wrong with your marriage. Recognize that, and make your choices accordingly.

 

[fuckmeat]

Hi Panama Hat

I can relate to what your wife is going to on some level, because I'm currently on Prozac myself. And you're right, it does chemically castrate. I'm pretty much dead from the waist down. I have no desire for sex or masturbation. When I have tried to masturbate it has been impossible for me to climax and when I'm not on anti-depressants I'm multiply orgasmic.

The reason I am ok with this lack of libido is because the Prozac is helping me through a bad time in my life. I am not planning to take it for longer than I need to. My partner died in August after a long battle with leukaemia. I handled it very badly and went on a bender that ended my career in nursing. So I'm a 25 year old graduate who's lost her Mistress, her house and her job all in a matter of months. I'm renting a room over a bar that I work in.

The Prozac somehow keeps me from loathing myself as much as I have been. It helps me to be less panicky about my future and less bitter and remorseful about my recent past. It helps me get through each day working my ass off for minimum wage without ripping the heads off of unsuspecting customers. It helps me to be more equanimitous about my circumstances and to believe that I can still make something of my life. Prozac has taken the hard, angry, anxious, paranoid and hopeless knots out of my belly. It has regulated my sleep pattern, whereas before I alternated between spending half my life in bed to the other extreme of total insomnia. Prozac has kept me from descending into alcoholism. I've always been a drinker and now I'm the proverbial kid in a sweetshop, with little else to spend my pitiful wages on. Prozac helps me see the point and purpose in the counselling I still receive from a really great CRUSE guy (CRUSE is a UK bereavement charity).

In the right circumstances, Prozac is a great drug. But it is a tranquilliser and an addictive one. Nobody should be kept on tranquillisers for years on end. I don't know what else your wife is prescribed but years of taking meds like that will have made her dependent on them, physically and psychologically. I would imagine that she's terrified of trying to wean herself now. I'm already afraid of the person I had become before I started my prescription a couple of months ago. I was reluctant to go on anti-depressants and its only now I'm on them that I can see the benefit. My doctor has no intention of leaving me on this medication long term. He sees me every month to discuss how I'm doing. In fact he won't put the Prozac on my list of 'repeat' prescriptions so I can't get another month's worth unless I go to the surgery and see him. We're in agreement that once I've processed the loss of my partner and made positive steps to improve my circumstances I will be weaned off of the drug. When that happens, I can expect mood swings, anxiety, paranoia and other side effects to manifest but these should settle within a couple of weeks. I'll probably take some time off work when that happens.

So I have specific reasons for using Prozac and a plan for when I'll no longer need it. I have the support of counselling and also another internet forum where people who have been bereaved support one another. I have some good real life friends, who have all said that I'm much happier and stable since I got medicated. They'll be there for me when I come off the meds. One friend has even invited me to stay with her that week.

Plus, in the long term I want my life back. I want to be able to handle life without tranqs. In the fullness of time, I want my libido back and to be able to find a new life partner. I know that my G wants me to live a full and happy life, so there's no guilt about that. We had the time to discuss all this while she was still here. I am not therefore, living a life devoid of hope, purpose or a game plan.

So if you don't mind, I'd like to ask how your wife came to be on all these meds in the first place and what else is being done to support her. Is she receiving therapy? Has her therapist been able to help her? I would consider that anyone still needing tranqs after years if therapy is not benefiting from that therapy. Might be time to sack the psychiatrist and find a new one.

Also, what purpose does your wife have? Does she have a career? Does she lack purpose now that your kids are adult? Some women deal very badly with the loss of their role as 'mother' particularly if they don't have a career or other focus to boost their self esteem. If she has lived in a self centred bubble of depression for years, at the very least you have enabled and abetted her. She has not been forced to pull herself together. I have no family support so I know that if I spiral and let my life get out of control, nobody will catch me. Presumably, you have always caught her, which is admirable. But now she has no real incentive to change. She's quite happy with her security blanket of drugs and a loving husband who makes little or no demands on her.

I also imagine her depression has become the 'elephant in the room' i.e. the one glaringly obvious thing that nobody is permitted to talk about. Everyone carefully averts their eyes and acts like the elephant doesn't exist. You wife must be deeply unhappy. It may be that she needs confronting with just how far she's slipped away from the person that she used to be. Depression is very subtle and it's hard to see the symptoms in yourself. I know I didn't. It's only with the benefits of meds, effective counselling and hindsight that I can look back at my recent past and fully comprehend just how thoroughly I lost the plot. Your wife however, needs to look back past all the years she has been medicated for. That may simply be beyond her now. It's a very painful thing to do. Nobody wants to acknowledge that when life gets tough they fail to cope. I didn't. I'm not the first or last person to be bereaved, to lose someone to cancer, to lose a young and vibrant partner with whom I intended to spend my life. Other people deal with it. Other people cope. Those thoughts are very potent, they make you loathe yourself. Once you lose belief in your ability to make your life worth living again, you're in a very dark place indeed. You feel that you don't deserve a future, better days. You believe that your punishment for failing to cope should be this soul crushing, hopeless misery. And once you start wallowing in that it can be extremely difficult to claw your way out, even once you actually want to.

I'm writing the longest post by far that I've ever typed here. What I'm bascially getting at is that it must have been something huge that caused your wife to become so depressed. It will probably take something equally huge to make her start feeling that she deserves and is capable of recovery. You have always cushioned her from the consequences of her descent into modern psychiatry's clutches. But she is an addict now, physically and emotionally dependent on her meds and whatever other interventions she receives. You may have to stop cushioning her and let her see how far she's pushed you away before she'll even begin to realise how her depression has affected you (and no doubt your kids) over the years. If you try to help her deal with her addictions however, you need to be prepared to fight hard for her. You need professional support and also the support of your adult children. I absolutely believe that anyone who's been on Prozac for years is as unreachable as a hardened heroin addict. Nothing but a great deal of very tough love is going to reach her. And she will have to want to get better, to quit the meds. Hopefully once she sees how much you love her and still believe in her, she will find the strength to want out of her current self perpetuating dependency.

But you could win her back. She's in there somewhere. And she would hate who she's become.

If you want to talk to me about anything in PM, you'd be very welcome to.

 

[Recidiva]

Do something before the fuse goes off.

I've been married three times. One child from each previous marriage. My third is going beautifully and the idea of having stuck with either of the dysfunctional relationships "for the kids" is an idea both I and the kids entirely reject. Not just because of all the pain I'd have had to endure and forced others to endure with me, but for all the joy I would have missed.

You have to be responsible for your own happiness. Discipline and self control work, but denial doesn't. It's just as important to be an example of grace in failure as it is to be an example of strength in success. By your tone, it sounds like the kids already know the problem and aren't in denial. Take a page from that.

Everyone deserves the right to have a person in their life that loves them and accepts them as they are. Your tone sounds like you've given up on her entirely and you're in martyr territory. You're one or a few quick steps away from starting to do incredibly destructive, selfish things and justifying them as "her fault she drove me to this."

Either fully engage in helping your wife get better and having faith that you can help her heal and that's a high priority for you...or realize that you can't "fix" her, but can get out of her way so she can find another path that might.

Otherwise you're a resentful and codependent place holder for her getting actual help and thriving.

 

[Pandora73]

Healthy sexual relationships and healthy marriages hardly ever come into contact with one another and when they do it's brief. It seems you had some time with your wife in a healthy sexual relationship? Count yourself lucky for the time you had and stay loyal to your family.

That is an unbelievably depressing philosophy. I completely disagree with the notion that he should be thankful for the "good years" and just resign himself to a sexless marriage and endless masturbation, as has been suggested by others. It's thought patterns like that that keep people in unfulfilling and empty relationships.

That said, I am not saying the OP is in a bad relationship, but he and his wife are clearly in a difficult situation. I have to completely agree with Erika, though, re: divorce and how the kids are affected. Modeling lack of affection or poor relationship behavior is not doing the children any good. I see this over and over everywhere. For the life of me I don't understand why people think staying together "for the kids" is always the best solution.

I'm not advocating for the OP or anyone to run right out and get divorced at the first sign of trouble. I think it's imperative that BOTH parties in a relationship communicate and do everything they can to work out whatever has come between them to foster a healthier relationship. However, sometimes that just isn't going to happen, for a myriad of reasons, and then I think going your separate ways can be the best solution for all involved (including the kids).

Do something before the fuse goes off.

I've been married three times. One child from each previous marriage. My third is going beautifully and the idea of having stuck with either of the dysfunctional relationships "for the kids" is an idea both I and the kids entirely reject. Not just because of all the pain I'd have had to endure and forced others to endure with me, but for all the joy I would have missed.

You have to be responsible for your own happiness. Discipline and self control work, but denial doesn't. It's just as important to be an example of grace in failure as it is to be an example of strength in success. By your tone, it sounds like the kids already know the problem and aren't in denial. Take a page from that.

Absolutely agree with this!! Great advice.

This is a very tough situation, and I wish you luck, Panama Hat. I think your first step is talking to your wife, though.

 

[Panama Hat]

Thank you so much for the thoughtful replies. I actually don't have anything profound to add. Actually, I'm going to have to think through some of the things that have been said quite thoroughly.

But this is why I came to Lit. The community here is excellent!

 

[silverwhisper]

panama hat, nice to see you visible.

i think that it's absolutely critical to address the subject with your wife, ideally when she isn't quite so heavily mediated. however, also consider going with her on her next doctor's visit. you're going to have questions that she may not pose relating to side effects, such as depressed/non-existent libido and alternative medications.

and fuckmeat, that was a fantastic post.

ed

 

[Mandywolf]

There's little I have to offer, F-meat made such an excellent post that covers so much, I would highly recommend talking with her since it sounds like she's gone through the same sort of thing (if you haven't already that is).

My only contribution would be to urge you to caution, as bad as she is, how much worse do you think she'll be if you leave her now or start having it "on the sly" as some people put it...

Such actions could push her into a suicidal mindset, after all if her husband of many years won't/doesn't fight for her, then what chance does she have of ever getting better with anyone else?, what's she got to live for?

I know that's something you and your kids wouldn't want to go through, it's probably cliche' but it's like the old saying "ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country" only replace country with spouse

Patience doesn't often seem like it's the reward everyone says it is, but in my short life (23 years) I've learned that it's the glue that holds everything in life together, relationships, jobs, even makes masturbation better

Assuming you choose to fight for her, let us know how the steps of recovery go okay? I know I'm new around here, but your story makes it easy to care about you and your wife, hope you two pull through this!

-Mandy-

 

[PixelPrincess]

It's just as important to be an example of grace in failure as it is to be an example of strength in success.

I have a lot to say about OP's situation, but nothing that hasn't already been said by others. I feel for you and wish you the best of luck in finding your happiness. And don't let anyone tell you you should just enjoy the good years you had and suffer silently for your family, that's complete bullshit. You owe it to yourself to be happy because if you're not, and you are not true to yourself, are you really doing your family any good at all? I, for one, don't want my children learning to hide their feelings and deny themselves true happiness at the sake of someone else. Anyway....I just wanted to say that I truly admire what is quoted above. Good luck...

 

[southernsky]

First of all, Prozac is not a tranquilizer. Secondly, some people have a pervasively sad mood that is completely independent of all other things going on in their lives, good or bad. That does not sound like fuckmeat's situation. There is also pervasively sad mood that occurs due to dealing with stressors and whatnot, that is more of a situational depression. The treatment is similar, and neither is any less serious than the other, but if one has situational depression or difficulty with substance abuse and has been seen by a psychiatrist and given a plan that includes short(er) term use of antidepressant therapy, one cannot extrapolate that everyone with pervasively sad mood needs only a short term course of antidepressants and can then pull themselves back out of it.

This is why depression is a different term with a different definition than sadness. Most people can pull themselves out of sadness or find some kind of relief from it through coping mechanisms or changing their life situations. Some people can't do this no matter how hard they try, and we call this depression.

If your wife is so truly treatment resistant, are psychiatrists looking into ECT as a possible treatment? I haven't heard of anyone on 10 different antidepressants, so perhaps more is going on here than we're hearing about. Modern psychiatry isn't perfect, however many drugs have side effects, and that doesn't make us call them bad and unhelpful drugs. Maybe a consult with another, more conservative psychiatrist would be interesting, however if her symptoms are under control, stopping medications may cost her her life.

I'd recommend individual counseling for you, it sounds like you're having a huge difficulty adjusting to your new wife, whether this is better or worse than having her symptomatic and unmedicated I don't know, but couples counseling or nothing doesn't seem to be working for you.

I'd also like to say that I work in acute psychiatry (inpatient hospital), and the number of completely terrified people with acute symptoms of a mental illness who are dramatically helped by medications is significant. Psychiatry isn't all about "drugging the masses", I see people who are experiencing persecutory delusions that someone is always trying to kill them, or who hear auditory hallucinations that they are a horrible person, or who are experiencing depression so badly that they can't even find the energy to kill themselves when they wish they were better off dead. I'm grateful that I can offer them relief. I don't know where your wife falls on the symptom scale, but depression is fatal if left untreated in many instances, and I sincerely doubt that your wife was extremely high functioning and is perfectly able to find an alternative solution to taking all medications if she's on that many meds right now.

 

[fuckmeat]

First of all, Prozac is not a tranquilizer.

Acknowledged. It does render me a fuckton more tranquil however. I definitely feel somewhat sedated.

Secondly, some people have a pervasively sad mood that is completely independent of all other things going on in their lives, good or bad. That does not sound like fuckmeat's situation. There is also pervasively sad mood that occurs due to dealing with stressors and whatnot, that is more of a situational depression. The treatment is similar, and neither is any less serious than the other, but if one has situational depression or difficulty with substance abuse and has been seen by a psychiatrist and given a plan that includes short(er) term use of antidepressant therapy, one cannot extrapolate that everyone with pervasively sad mood needs only a short term course of antidepressants and can then pull themselves back out of it.

This is why depression is a different term with a different definition than sadness. Most people can pull themselves out of sadness or find some kind of relief from it through coping mechanisms or changing their life situations. Some people can't do this no matter how hard they try, and we call this depression.

If your wife is so truly treatment resistant, are psychiatrists looking into ECT as a possible treatment? I haven't heard of anyone on 10 different antidepressants, so perhaps more is going on here than we're hearing about. Modern psychiatry isn't perfect, however many drugs have side effects, and that doesn't make us call them bad and unhelpful drugs. Maybe a consult with another, more conservative psychiatrist would be interesting, however if her symptoms are under control, stopping medications may cost her her life.

I'd recommend individual counseling for you, it sounds like you're having a huge difficulty adjusting to your new wife, whether this is better or worse than having her symptomatic and unmedicated I don't know, but couples counseling or nothing doesn't seem to be working for you.

I'd also like to say that I work in acute psychiatry (inpatient hospital), and the number of completely terrified people with acute symptoms of a mental illness who are dramatically helped by medications is significant. Psychiatry isn't all about "drugging the masses", I see people who are experiencing persecutory delusions that someone is always trying to kill them, or who hear auditory hallucinations that they are a horrible person, or who are experiencing depression so badly that they can't even find the energy to kill themselves when they wish they were better off dead. I'm grateful that I can offer them relief. I don't know where your wife falls on the symptom scale, but depression is fatal if left untreated in many instances, and I sincerely doubt that your wife was extremely high functioning and is perfectly able to find an alternative solution to taking all medications if she's on that many meds right now.

All good advice but is ECT electro-convulsive therapy? Sounds a bit extreme if so, not that I know much at all about psychiatry.

 

[southernsky]

Acknowledged. It does render me a fuckton more tranquil however. I definitely feel somewhat sedated.



All good advice but is ECT electro-convulsive therapy? Sounds a bit extreme if so, not that I know much at all about psychiatry.

I don't doubt that it does make you feel sedated, however for many people antidepressants make them feel much more energetic and bring them out of their depression. I wouldn't want someone reading this to avoid antidepressants out of fear that they are similar to benzos. There's a lot of misinformation about psych, and I like to avoid adding to it There are all kinds of uses and reactions to medications, from short-term help to long-term help to people who get opposite reactions from certain medications to people who thrive on certain medications, it's really an art, and for some people, the right combination does give them their life back.

About ECT, that is electro convulsive therapy. The way the procedure is performed in the States, the patient is under anesthesia and does not have any full-body seizure activity. There are different placements of the electrodes to minimize memory loss, and the treatments are very short in duration. I actually have a patient right now who is very rapidly and noticeably coming out of her lifelong depression after two weeks of ECT treatments. Is it something that I'd recommend to anyone with a history of mild to moderate depression and who hasn't tried a whole lot of different medications? Nope. Is it something I'd give out more information and encouragement to for someone who's depression is treatment resistant and long-standing and severely incapacitating? Yep.

I hope any of this helps, and if the OP could post any more information about meds or symptoms without violating wife's privacy, it would shed more light on the situation for sure.

 

[southernsky]

I'm not trying to pick a fight with you fuckmeat, but this deserves its own post after re-reading your last paragraph in your initial post.

Quite a few people with depression or other diagnosed psychiatric illness have a brain chemical imbalance. They may never go off medications. Sometimes counseling and alternative therapies will help. Sometimes they will NOT.

Likening someone on long-term psychiatric medications to someone who is a heroin addict is neither kind, accurate, nor responsible. Encouraging anyone to wean themselves off or encourage a loved one to wean themselves off of psychiatric medications can be fatal. It can result in an increase of suicidal thoughts or a return of psychotic or manic symptoms and could result in the person putting themselves in danger (i.e. walking in traffic, believing they can fly) or dying unintentionally because they couldn't realize the danger they put themselves in. Encouraging someone to seek a second, qualified, face-to-face opinion if you're worried about them is okay. Don't encourage anyone to come off their meds or encourage a loved one to come off their meds, even if you believe otherwise.

People aren't forced to take medications on an outpatient basis unless they're court-mandated to do so (criteria for court-mandated medication is imminent danger to self, imminent danger to others, or imminent death resulting from inability to care for oneself, and this must be caused by a psychiatric condition). The wife in this situation may feel that she was so depressed before she started the medications, this is an improvement. Most people don't get on 10 medications at once for simple, uncomplicated, treatable depression. I think there's something else going on here.

I can't stop saying this. Don't encourage anyone to encourage anyone else to come off their meds over the internet.

 

[laZilla]

If it were my spouse I would let them know exactly how the situation was affecting me. I would ask them to seek counseling with me. Nobody needs 10 different meds unless they need to be institutionalized. Your wife may be abusing meds and that is why she has so many. Is she on multiple anxiety or sleep meds? I would confront her. If the lack of sex is a dealbreaker for you, desperate times call for desperate measures.

 

[SweetErika]

Excellent posts, Southernsky.

I've heard good things about ECT for severe depression, too. NPR did a story on it several years back that was really great and always sticks out in my mind when I hear someone mention it.