The North (Closed)

[KieranSoares]

Sam let Fiona go wherever she chose from there, but as Yasmine had said, she wasn't alone. He quietly sent Riley off to gather Andre, Dola, and Soma once Soma returned, giving Fiona some time to process in the relative quiet.

 

[heartofcourage]

Riley alerted Dola and Andre, asking them to go to her mother in a while to allow her time to rest. She then went to wait for Soma to return from his duties. She barely allowed him time to dismount before she was there in front of him.

"You need to take time off. Put your duties into the hands of a trusted officer. We are needed." Riley said simply.

 

[KieranSoares]

Soma stared down at his sister for a short moment, then nodded without question. He knew when his sister was being this serious, it required his immediate attention and singular focus.

"Dirk," Soma said to one of his aides who'd accompanied him. "Take my things in and continue on without me for now. I'll be around if there's important questions."

The aide- a clan noble of barely twenty whom Soma had chosen from among their freed allies- nodded instantly. "I'll bring in Terrance and Dane."

"Lead on," Soma murmured to his sister.

 

[heartofcourage]

"We can't barge in straight away. She's not in a good place." Riley said as she led him into the castle and led him into the kitchen to gather a few things. "Da wants Dola to be with her first. Then I suppose Andre will take a watch. Yasmine has said that she isn't to be alone until this is all said and done."

 

[KieranSoares]

"She wouldn't even let me check in with her earlier," Soma murmured. He offered an extra hand to carry anything Riley needed. "She's never... pushed me away. I know she's had times where she's been at odds with some of us and needed to pull away, but... Ma's never shut me out. Not ever in my whole life."

He wouldn't say aloud how deeply it wounded him. Not yet. He shelved his own hurt to focus on his mother's much more immediate turmoil. "I'm scared for her," he muttered to his sister. "I've never seen her this fragile. Even when she nearly died."

 

[heartofcourage]

Riley made a mug of her mother's favorite tea and picked up a few other things to eat that were fresh, pausing when she heard the hurt in her brother's voice. It wasn't a secret that Fiona adored Soma, perhaps more than she and Tati. It had once wounded her, but she had long made peace with the fact that her father felt the same way about her.

"She's nearly dead now, Soma. Somehow, some way, that monster is inside of her now and has blocked her from Reven." Riley said as she looked up at Soma.

 

[KieranSoares]

"Then we'll find a way to root him out, or at least make her feel like living again." Soma's statement was absolute, as if there was no other course or outcome possible.

 

[heartofcourage]

"Listen, little mite, you can't push her. She thinks that she needs to suffer in order to protect all of us. She's being incredibly stubborn about her own health." Riley said, stressing to Soma that this was a very serious situation. "I would hate for one of us to push her over the edge without meaning to."

 

[KieranSoares]

"Don't mistake my decisiveness for hurry or blindness," Soma tried to reassure her in a gentler tone as he caught himself being perhaps too single-focused. "I would never dream of pushing her in a moment like this. She deserves all the patience and grace she gives us, and much more."

Riley knew Soma had been hurting badly since the fight with Hesperus. Even though he'd escaped the fight with only minor bruises from his harness, he had been battling deep emotional wounds. Most of all, he fought with guilt for all the death and destruction the war had caused. As the master strategist of the North, he considered himself responsible for when his plans went off-kilter or people were hurt because he'd failed to stop and enemy. On equal footing was his hurt over all that had happened to himself and his family physically and emotionally. He'd never given himself time to truly mourn the loss of his arm, and he'd been too busy to take time to mourn what had happened to his parents, sister, brother-in-law, and their closest loved ones. And in that moment as Soma swore to help his mother heal and support her, Riley could feel all of those hurts and losses flash across his mind.

But to Soma's credit, he was stubborn in a different way from his parents. Instead of putting his own wellbeing last, he was too proud of his work to risk it suffering because he failed to look after himself. So he murmured, "I think it would be good for me to take some time too... I know with Da out, I'm needed... but I think Aunt Kate would understand if I took some time to rest while we figure out how to get Cahal back and plan for Inverness."

He looked over at his sister with a quiet sigh. "I think everyone needs a little time to process."

 

[heartofcourage]

"We don't know what might happen if we're able to banish Hesperus for good. He might move on to someone else. I want to know that you are strong enough for this." Riley said as she picked up the tray that she had made and turned to look at him. "Promise me, Soma."

 

[KieranSoares]

"Promise what? That I'll be able to stand up to Hesperus if he decides to infect me instead?" Soma shook his head slightly. "I don't think anyone but Ma could stand up to that for long. But I'm strong enough to help her. It's easy to gather my strength for family."

 

[heartofcourage]

Riley gave him a nod, letting the matter drop as she led the way towards her parents' quarters. When they entered the room, it seemed gloomy. The windows were open, but there were grey skies outside threatening a Scottish rain.

"Ma? Da?" Riley called out, setting the tray on a table and motioning for Soma to put the tea down as well. "I brought Soma."

 

[KieranSoares]

Sam opened the door from the bedroom and stepped into the parlor. He let the door close behind him and motioned for Soma and Riley to come join him and sit down. "Give them a bit. We told Dola the story. She's getting her bearings about the situation."

Sam settled into an armchair with a slightly pained sigh, his bad leg aching and his good leg and arms sore from taking all the strain. "Ri, would you get my painkillers...? In the cabinet there," he motioned toward a wooden cabinet by a bookshelf in the corner.

Soma poured his father a cup of tea and sat down in a chair beside him. Sam reached out and ruffled his hair fondly, then pulled him in to kiss his forehead.

 

[heartofcourage]

"I brought some of Ma's favorites if she felt like eating and then a few things for you. I figured it might do you some good." Riley said as she made him a plate without even asking before she turned to get his painkillers out of a secured cabinet. "I'll put it back once you're done."

Riley glanced towards the closed bedroom door, feeling only Dola there for the time being. Fiona was still well and truly cut off from the rest of the world.

 

[KieranSoares]

Sam thanked his daughter quietly when she brought the jar of concentrated herbal pills over, and handed it back once he'd taken two. Draining his cup of tea and letting his plate rest on his thigh, he sat back and let out a long sigh. With both his children in front of him, he murmured, "I don't think I have to say how bad this is... But this is more than just an illness passed on by a mad dragon. Everything that hurts your Ma is coming together to destroy her if it can. You two have been through enough to know real despair and how anger and misery can make you want to give up. And you know your Ma carried me through when my own demons tried to push me off a literal cliff. I will do the same for her, but it's a matter of whether she'll accept help or decide we're all better off without her."

It hurt Sam deeply to talk to his children about truly one of the darkest possible subjects, made even darker by the fact it wasn't just someone they knew who was standing on a knife's edge. It was the family's most revered queen, confidant, and hero. She meant so much to so many, but that adoration was a double-edged sword. The pressure was absolutely crushing.

"It's time for our Rider Queen to learn to be just Fiona for a while," Sam murmured, echoing a lament his wife had revealed to him not long ago. "I believe that we'll have her back in full glory someday. I have to believe that for my own sake. But that- an' my ruined leg- means we'll be steppin' back from this war permanently. Maybe we'll feel up to helpin' in the background in time, but... for her sake, she's done and I need to be there with her."

"Leave the logistics of it all to me," Soma assured him. "I'm... I'm taking a break too. But only til the situation with Cahal is resolved. Aunt Kate and I can do this. And Grandpa and his brothers are all handling the preparations for Inverness."

"I trust you... An' I hope I can trust that you'll talk to me about what you're feelin' too." Sam knew Soma's eagerness to take on pressure for his parents was born of his innate drive to help. From the moment he could walk, he'd always wanted to carry things for Fiona or tried to help with chores. It was certainly a trait shared by both sides of the family; the need to be of use.

"I will. Not today... but very soon. I need to... get my thoughts in order," Soma murmured.

"You're a man of your word, you've proven that. I'll be here when you're ready." Sam smoothed back his hair before turning his eyes to Riley. "An' you, love... How are things? You've taken over for your mother so smoothly. But I know it's been hard watchin' what happened to us and supporting Andre through his losses. You and Dola seem t'be the only people he'll talk to about it. He's been avoiding sharin' anything negative with Me an' Jani an' your Ma since we were injured."

 

[heartofcourage]

"It isn't how I imagined spending my first few months of married life." Riley said with a slight shrug of her shoulders as if she were resigned to her role. "I'll support my husband in any way that I can, and I'll do the same for my mother. The riders don't seem to mind taking orders from a young fox who doesn't have the best of reputations. I would never want to take Ma's place forever, but I'll do it as long as she needs me. If that means leading the charge on Inverness, I'll do it."

 

[KieranSoares]

Sam's brows furrowed. Perhaps he'd expected Riley to struggle more because of her youth. But as she spoke of her role matter-of-factly and taking Fiona's place temporarily, Sam could see his daughter had grown in a way few had expected before their last family gathering out in the Rus.

"Funny..." Sam murmured with a small smile. "I always thought you'd be the wayward one. An' I was glad for that. You were always accountable but I never saw you take on guardianship over this family til recently. As long as it isn't at the expense of your own happiness, love... you make me proud."

It wasn't long before Andre joined them, coming to Riley's side after greeting her father and brother with a hug each. They all settled in to await Fiona and Dola.

Inside Sam and Fiona's room, Dola sat serenely beside Fiona holding her hand. They had talked a bit about more lighthearted things, like recent letters from family, how some of the younger Ghis were doing so well with promotions and well-earned responsibility and so on. They'd gotten into the topic of Hesperus and the surface level of what Fiona was dealing with before Sam had left to meet his children. Once he was gone, Dola had moved to Fiona's side and began trying to forge a small connection. She didn't ask for much at first, but each time Fiona gave her a little more, she was grateful, gracious, and was able to offer a little more relief.

Fiona knew Andre's abilities were halfway between his father and Dola. He could strike out and attack mentally, even influence dragons and other Callers to do what he wished. He could also make connections to share emotions as he often did with Riley. It was a major factor in their relationship, because they were their whole, full selves with each other and their love couldn't be questioned at any level. Dola was the source of that depth of emotion, and it was also what had made her relationship with Jani so incredibly deep even before they could fully speak a shared language. Dola rarely used more than her surface abilities with anyone but her son and wife, so Fiona had never seen the extent of her power. Dola was an empath through and through and it made her a wonderful communicator, a gracious host, and very easy to talk to for many people. She understood the meaning of silence too. It was what made her invaluable to Alex as she offered her services to the traumatized and wounded warriors in their care. And Dola's unique, personal talent was a perfect compliment to her dragon-granted abilities: she could soothe pain in many forms. It was just enough to take the edge off the most difficult memories and hurts.

"You're dealing with much more than just Hesperus," Dola murmured softly. "You carry so much guilt and you're always so willing to take on more pain to spare someone else. If it's you who's hurt, it's not someone you love. And that makes the pain bearable. Better you than anyone else, right?" She asked not as an accusation, but trying to put into words what she understood about the woman who was her wife's sworn sister and one of the women her son loved most. "Tell me why that is," Dola requested softly.

 

[heartofcourage]

"Because I can survive the pain. I always have." Fiona said softly. "From the time I was a kit, when my mother died. I survived the knowledge that my father didn't want me and abandoned me. I survived when my grandfather died because you can't live on the streets if you show them your pain. Pain is weakness. I survived doing what I had to do in order to put food on the table for Will. I survived breaking Sam's heart by sleeping with another man. I did it all because it was what I had to do."

She let out a long sigh and glanced at Dola as the woman sat so patiently. "It's not a mystery Dola. I have given up all of my life for others."

 

[KieranSoares]

"You have. You are among the most selfless people any of us know. But it wasn't your strength that earned you the love you have. Sam loves you for many things, but the first thing that opened the two of you up to each other was not strength. It was vulnerability."

Dola knew their story from Sam, and how he credited Fiona with cracking his shell. Even though opening up to her had come with a lot of pain and work, he considered himself ten times the man he'd once been.

"I think there's a terrible misunderstanding in this family about what constitutes strength and weakness. You're all so loving and you want to muscle in and take on the weight of the world for each other. Weakness isn't looked down upon, but it's also avoided like the plague. When someone is down, everyone rallies to them. But none of you want to take a turn to be comforted and supported if you can help it."

Dola's thumb brushed over the back of Fiona's hand thoughtfully. "You're not scared to be a little vulnerable with those you love. I think it's a beautiful thing that you and Sam share some of your woes with your children instead of sheltering them. You know they can learn to be more open than you, and that allowing them to help or at least know of your pain will make them feel loved and needed. I want you to think of that, and how we can expand upon it to help you. Because that's all we need from you, Fiona: a willingness to share the load. It's so much easier said than done, I know. It's going to be harder than anything you've ever done. Loving and honoring ourselves is... it feels impossible when we've spent our whole lives honoring everyone else first. So I'd like you to start by thinking of it this way, if it helps: accepting help for yourself will help your family. You cannot pour from a broken, empty cup. So let us start picking up some pieces, and we'll bring you back to a place where you can be strong again for others. Can you do that for us?"

Nothing Dola said came across with condescension or pity. She had the gentleness of a mother, but she wasn't precious with Fiona either. Most of all, she spoke from her own experiences. Even if her own were not on the scale of Fiona's, she knew her own dark struggle with similar themes.

 

[heartofcourage]

Fiona let out a sigh, looking down at Dola's hand as she tried to get a promise out of her. She couldn't make those promises, but she knew that the woman was trying her hardest for the sake of the family. Slowly, she nodded, unable to say anything out loud. It didn't seem as binding or permanent that way.

 

[KieranSoares]

Dola brushed Fiona's cheek gently, seeming to understand. "All you need to do is try. Start with just a little."

Dola's mind pressed in ever so slowly, not seeking to dig, but to take on some of the weight even if she didn't understand everything happening. But if she could get Fiona to relinquish some of the burden little by little, it would be a good start.

 

[heartofcourage]

Fiona stared at Dola as she felt her slowly press against her mind, trying to take something from her. It only lasted a few moments before Fiona shook her head and broke the connection.

"Not now. Not yet." Fiona said as she averted her eyes and watched as the first rain started to fall outside. "I think I'd like to take a nap."

 

[KieranSoares]

"Very soon, then. You only have to start." Dola kissed her cheek and rose to leave her side.

When she emerged, Sam picked himself up slowly, searching in Dola's serene expression for some answer. She shook her head slightly.

"Not yet. But have faith," she murmured. Sam sighed quietly and nodded, leaving the children to rejoin Fiona's side without a word. He was afraid to leave Fiona alone even in the neighboring room.

 

[heartofcourage]

When Sam entered the room, Fiona was standing at the window, pushing open the glass to hear the rain and thunder. Crossing her arms against the windowsill, she rested against the stone and looked out across the bay.

"I know you're scared." Fiona said softly as she heard Sam shuffling about. "I am too."

 

[KieranSoares]

"Bein' scared is nothin' new... just a different kind of fear this time." Sore as he was, Sam took a seat on the edge of the bed and left his crutches aside. "We've faced a lot of once-in-a-lifetime fears. You'd think we'd be old hands at dealin' with it by now. But we aren't. I'm still tha' terrified little boy in some ways."