The Partner Pastry Classification - A PBP Project

[anthrodisiac]

It has recently come to our attention by @sijopunk that there is such a thing as a cinnamon roll boyfriend. Plot Bunny Pens quickly set our team of researchers on the case to try to categorize as many types of partners as pastries as possible, but unfortunately, there was a kreptoid breach in our research division when an unnamed and violently deceased intern* thought to press the Kreptoid Summoning Button™ without proper safety procedures, and all work was subsequently lost. PBP would like to assure our customers that no kreptoids left the research division, and only one plot bunny was lost due to its current status as kreptoid bait, so really, that was just nature taking its course as the gods intended. All kreptoids have been returned to whence they came, and everyone's plot bunnies are safe in the Hyperdimensional BunBun Farm™, FUCK™, and all other PBP subsidiaries.

So, PBP decided to do the next best thing, which is to crowdsource the Partner Pastry Classification(pending ™). There are a great many pastries, and PBP believes that each can be associated with a type of partner. Submissions are now open for any and all pairings of a partner archetype with a pastry. We look forward to your creativity and madcap genius, and we will certainly look into crediting people for their creations at some point down the line, once our lawyers are done with the wrongful death lawsuits.

*Frank

 

[BeechLeaf]

big jam doughnut - like a doughnut, your coming gives us pleasure, and your withdrawal makes us want you to come again
crêpes Suzette - easily set on fire; a bit camp, honestly, I mean, it's fine when he calls himself Susie, but Suzette? really?

 

[Seurat]

The shoefly pie girl (you'll have to look up the treat if you've never experienced it). Comes into varieties: the dry bottom and the wet bottom. Wet bottom: not attractive at first, definitely something off-putting, but then you get to the molasses and damn if things aren't lip-smacking good. An acquired taste, to be sure. Dry bottoms make you think they are a wet bottom, but it is all tease, and after a good oral sample, you discover that the whole presentation was a farce. Velma vs. Daphne conundrum.

The cut-out date. A definite thirst trap; one that always makes you want another. Looks innocent until you suddenly realize you are in over your head health-wise and yet desperate for more.

The apple-dumpling. A hard shell on the outside that needs to be cracked and then, all off a sudden, the shell becomes a compliment to the sweetness hidden inside. Best with whipped cream.

 

[anthrodisiac]

Bear Claw: not the big hunky gay guy, but his twink who likes it when Daddy's rough
Cronut: the pan enby who thrives in threesomes with one male and one female
The Donut Hole: the pudgy but lovable boyfriend that is adored, but their partner can't help but crave more than one; he's rarely enough to satisify by himself

 

[Dodola]

Pillsbury dough boy.
Cute, cuddly, giggles a lot, wears a sexy hat.
Will do anything for $5.

 

[TheRedChamber]

"Hows the new boyfriend working out? What kind of pastry is he?"

"I'm not entirely sure yet, but he's clearly from Gregs."

Little UK based joke there. Since anthy worked hard to make the thread gender neutral, I need to keep things balanced.

"Rebecca was the third girl I brought home to meet mother. To me they've all been maids of honour, but, once again, mum insists that she was just a common tart"

 

[Voboy]

The Pop-Tart, a fella who's sweet and molten-hot at first, but becomes cool and flaky shortly after you get him in your mouth.

 

[Britva415]

The Napoleon: For a million pages (mille-feuille, get it?) of backstory, he sure is vanilla.

 

[MK_Whimsy]

The Scone: Relatively sophisticated, complex, and rough around the edges versus some of the other pastry types, as well as with a predilection for subtlety, they can turn your lonely night into a sconely night.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Since we're in danger of getting past the first page without anyone making the obvious joke about the Jumbo Sausage Roll boyfriend, I'll pull my own out and slap it on the counter.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

The apple turnover: she's amenable to front or rear entry.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

The éclair: he's long, chocolate brown, and loaded with creme.

 

[TheLobster]

Swiss chocolate cake: if you can get through his crusty exterior, he absolutely melts and downright smothers your with his hot fudge

 

[spiralholly]

Fruitcake - she's flashy, thicc, and has a bad reputation, but people who sample her discover a treat that's flavorful, filling, even intoxicating. Best enjoyed in small doses, but will endure much longer than most any other - even for years. Often mistaken for being insane. Excellent when enjoyed in larger groups.

 

[sirhugs]

Swiss chocolate cake: if you can get through his crusty exterior, he absolutely melts and downright smothers your with his hot fudge

very neutral

 

[TheLobster]

very neutral

With a splash of whipped cream.

 

[sirhugs]

With a splash of whipped cream.

and a cherry?

 

[Kumquatqueen]

The macaron - looks smooth and sophisticated, but is in fact just nuts.

The macaroon - an underrated succulent Solid Lump of Comfort.

 

[TheLobster]

The macaron - looks smooth and sophisticated, but is in fact just nuts.

The macaroon - an underrated succulent Solid Lump of Comfort.

The Macron - mostly a pushover, as long as the girlfriend is 10+ years older

 

[deathlynx]

and a cherry?

Lost his cherry a long tie ago.

 

[TheRedChamber]

"Now, there's been a lot of talk round these here parts confusing baking and loving, and I done seen you hanging round my Marylou like you wanna cut yourself off a slice. So to make things nice and simple for us all, I'm going spell it out for you - if you be looking at my daughter and you be seeing anything other than wedding cake, then you better walk yourself out of this here bakery right now, mister""

 

[yowser]

Book titles:

Cinnamon Buns from Mars
Snow White and the Seven Doughnuts
Beauty and the Blintz

 

[TheLobster]

Pretzels and Prejudice

 

[Bramblethorn]

The Party Pie. Good if you need something filling in a hurry but best not to ask too many questions about what goes into them. Also, they come in twelve-packs.