The Past and How to Get Over It

[Iris]

I won't go into the boring details here, but my mother is really really screwed up. I just got off the phone with her and found out she still holds things against me that she thought I did (but I didn't do) when I was 16.

Now, I know it's her problem and I'm a big girl now, but it still bothers me. I really don't talk to her any more except a few times a year, I know that's the healthiest thing for me but on the same hand, it makes me feel guilty. I mean, she's my mom? Aren't I supposed to love her? I just realized that I honestly don't think I do.

She abusive, overprotective, manipulative and suspicious. I often got punished for things that she heard nothing more than a rumor about. She couldn't prove I did it, but I couldn't prove I didn't do it either. She made sure I had no friends in high school thusly: Her: "I want to meet your friends before you go anywhere with them" Understandable. Me, a few days later: "So and so is coming over for you to meet them" Her: "You should have asked me first. This house is a mess, I don't feel well, other random excuse. Call them and tell them to come over another time." You can see where I'm going. Another time never showed up.

I've tried therapy, and it's not for me. Talking about it just makes me crazy angry all over again. So...has anyone else had psycho parents and if so, how did you get past that? I'm not so bothered by it that I can't function, but there are days I wish she would have put me up for adoption, or had an abortion or something.

 

[Weird Harold]

I once told my mother that I would never live within 100 miles of her because she was a nosy old busybody.

I dearly love my mother, but she does have a tendency to interference, so there are times when I don't like her very much.

You sound like you need to realize that it isn't necessary to like someone to love them. Live your life the way you want to, and don't worry about what your mother thinks.

I'm nearly 53 and every so often, I get reminded of bad things I did in elementary school. I don't think of it as my mother "bearing a grudge" or "holding things against me." I take it as the teasing my mother intends it as.

It is hard to shake off the need to please one's parents, and even harder to do so without causing hard feelings. Sometimes there is no choice but to say "Fuck off, Mom. I'm not your little girl anymore."

 

[CelestialBody]

 

[Mistress]

Sounds like my mom..might be why I dont really talk to her...

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Maybe you weren't snuggled enough as an infant.

 

[Mistress]

No, I wasnt, she was too busy over dosing on drugs and leaving me some where while she decided to hitch hike all over the us.

 

[Juliangel]

I won't go into the boring details here, but my mother is really really screwed up.
She abusive, overprotective, manipulative and suspicious. I often got punished for things that she heard nothing more than a rumor about.

*sits wondering if Iris is one of my sisters because this sounds like my mother too.*

I had it out with her one day and told her how she made me feel. I told her if she wanted a grandparent relationship with my children she had to change. She is doing ok and the enjoy spending time with her but I think that is because she is a lot different than the person that raised me although she does still drive me nuts.

 

[Isolde]

Just because they are related to you does not mean you have to love them. I have a sister that, were we not related, I would have nothing to do with. She is lazy and gossips about anyone behind their back, she breaks a promise at a whim and everytime she buys you anything she tells you how much she paid for it (she always buys the cheapest stuff for everyone else-including her only daughter) and then keeps reminding you. If you borrow from her she never lets you forget but if she borrows from you she suddenly develops amnesia. She blames everyone else for everything she does...she told her daughter that she was the reason my sister started smoking again...not to mention drinking. I mean if she wants to do those things than fine but why blame a 10 yr old girl? And that is just some of the mental stuff she puts that girl through.

She also never uses common sense at all...dont believe me? One day she cut her foot and a friend told her to wrap raw bacon on it...she did it! *shakes head and sighs*

My point...and I know I am slow at making it...is that just because they are related it does not mean that you have to love or even care for them or what they do. People choose thier own way of life and if it does not suit you to put up with it...dont!

 

[Mr.curious]

My mom is more critical of me now then when I was a teenager. We only live 15 miles from each other, But we seldom visit. I stopped calling on her when she decided not to call if I didn't call her every week. I really miss her but if she's just going to tell me how badly I do things why bother going over. So i'll just raise my family the best I know how.

 

[Weevil]

And yet you obviously have contact with your sister. There is no invisible rope tying us to our family but that basic love that we feel for them. We're annoyed with our family members and can feel nothing for them on a social level but there is still the love.
I kind of get along with my family members but if I legitimately didn't like any of them I wouldn't see them.

 

[Celestiale]

......

 

[Gingersnap]

You have to decide and then stick to it.

The only way I know to get over the past is to look at it with a stranger's eyes. Look at what you feel hurt you and if that was your mother set some limits with her now.
Do not let the past limit your future or spoil the life you have chosen. You have to decide if you want happiness and love in your life. Then you have to work for them. It is a lot like studying a subject you know nothing about. Research it and learn. Do not look to the people in your life who abused and hurt you for answers. Do not expect them to be happy when you suceed. Do not trust them with anything as precious as your heart and soul. And most of all realize face the fact that you are an adult now not a helpless child. You have choices now remember that and you will be free of it.

 

[Iris]

Thanks everyone who replied. You guys are great.

Sorry if I seemed really emotional when I posted this but I was also really pissed. I've thought about it off and on through the day, and this is pretty much what I came up with. She's my mother. It would be nice if she gave even the slightest shit about me. I know she doesn't. That is what pisses me off.

I know she's had her problems, that her family wasn't all that great to grow up in, and maybe this is the best she knows how to do. Still, I've tried talking to her about how I feel, she says she's willing to change, and then never does. Guess that should tell me something, huh? Maybe all I need to do is admit what I've known all along and then deal with it.

 

[Isolde]

And yet you obviously have contact with your sister. There is no invisible rope tying us to our family but that basic love that we feel for them. We're annoyed with our family members and can feel nothing for them on a social level but there is still the love.
I kind of get along with my family members but if I legitimately didn't like any of them I wouldn't see them.

I do have contact with her but only because of my niece. She is the one who has my affection in that particular branch of the family. If it wasnt for her I honestly would have nothing to do with her. I have no respect for the woman at all.

 

[scylis]

this thread makes me realize just how stupid i am for thinking i've had it bad...

 

[Isolde]

love the new sig Scylis

 

[Mistress]

Winks at Islode

Thanks! hehe..... I swear though that when I made it the Scylis doll had pants on before I sent it to him!

 

[Isolde]

Uh huh! Suuuuurrre! *grins*