The Whole Package - Where to Search?

[elocin13]

I don't even know where to begin searching for a man/ Dom who is everything I need. I feel a strong need for a healthy D/s relationship with a respectful Dom. I don't want a "play partner." Also, I have 2 kids, and I want a real partner, one who would eventually join my family. At this point I feel I'm somewhat doomed . . . vanilla who wants a real committment (including taking part in parenting with me) OR D/s with all the fun stuff but no happily-ever-after.
My question is, IF I were to try online dating, would sites like eharmony and match.com even have categories for D/s people? It doesn't look like the literotica personals or collarme.com really have people looking for a settle-down relationship. What's in between??

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

I found My girl on eHarmony. I actually signed up with the thought that I was going to have to accept a vanilla relationship for the rest of my life. I had resigned myself to the idea that I wouldn't be able to find the perfect person who would be able to meet my wants, needs, and desires. I still tried to figure out what to look for in profiles to see which way they might lean. But basically I looked for someone who I wanted to date.

It was also helpful that one of the stock questions the site has that you can send to a person as a way to get to know them is about how they are in their personal relationships and whether they like to lead, follow, or both. This is one of the questions you can ask right off the bat before really even talking to them. Plus, they ask when you fill out your profile how dominant or submissive you are.

Very soon into talking she asked where I met my ex-girlfriend and I told her how I met her on Lit's BDSM personals. That led to helping her explore BDSM and where we are today.

It's a bit tricky on when to introduce your wants, needs, and D/s desires. If you wait too long you may find out he has no desire to even try anything and if you do it too soon he may view it as a way to just use you for sex.

I would still say try and hope for the best. Good luck.

 

[laurasunshinegal]

i just wanted to say good luck on your search! it can be a challenge, but having a rewarding D/s relationship AND kids is definitely possible! keep the faith and your man will come along!

 

[elocin13]

I found My girl on eHarmony. I actually signed up with the thought that I was going to have to accept a vanilla relationship for the rest of my life. I had resigned myself to the idea that I wouldn't be able to find the perfect person who would be able to meet my wants, needs, and desires. I still tried to figure out what to look for in profiles to see which way they might lean. But basically I looked for someone who I wanted to date.

It was also helpful that one of the stock questions the site has that you can send to a person as a way to get to know them is about how they are in their personal relationships and whether they like to lead, follow, or both. This is one of the questions you can ask right off the bat before really even talking to them. Plus, they ask when you fill out your profile how dominant or submissive you are.

Very soon into talking she asked where I met my ex-girlfriend and I told her how I met her on Lit's BDSM personals. That led to helping her explore BDSM and where we are today.

It's a bit tricky on when to introduce your wants, needs, and D/s desires. If you wait too long you may find out he has no desire to even try anything and if you do it too soon he may view it as a way to just use you for sex.

I would still say try and hope for the best. Good luck.

Eharmony, really? That's awesome! I wouldn't think they even asked quesitons like that. Good to know. And you're so right about introducing wants/needs. If you start out vanilla, there's a good chance the person you're dating will not share your desires and back out. OR they might THINK it sounds like a fun thing to try but they have no clue what they're doing. I don't want a guy who wants to try his hand at bossing me around. I am not an experienced sub, but quite knowledgable nonetheless. I've done my reading, and I know it's important to seek a Dom who knows what he's doing.
Having been in an abusive (vanilla) relationship for 17 years, I need to be careful. No more douchebags for me!

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Eharmony, really? That's awesome! I wouldn't think they even asked quesitons like that. Good to know. And you're so right about introducing wants/needs. If you start out vanilla, there's a good chance the person you're dating will not share your desires and back out. OR they might THINK it sounds like a fun thing to try but they have no clue what they're doing. I don't want a guy who wants to try his hand at bossing me around. I am not an experienced sub, but quite knowledgable nonetheless. I've done my reading, and I know it's important to seek a Dom who knows what he's doing.
Having been in an abusive (vanilla) relationship for 17 years, I need to be careful. No more douchebags for me!

Well, this was two years ago so I'm not sure if they've changed anything.

I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss inexperienced Doms.

It's more important the person is open and willing to learn both about you and themself. Remember, their experience came with another person and that person could be the complete opposite of you in terms of being both a person and a sub. So while experience is good, if they are "stuck in their ways" then their experience amounts to a hill of beans.

My girl didn't know anything about BDSM let alone being a submissive. I came into the relationship with some experience. I've probably learned just as much about my wants, needs, and desires as she has. I am adaptable to who she is as a sub and would never want to force her to do anything she was not into because that's what I had subs do for me in the past.

It's basically about having an idea of who and what you are and finding someone that matches it the best.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

IMNSHO, one searches for a BDSM partner in the same places a vanilla seeker would look for a vanilla partner - everywhere in life. Who knows what you'll find wherever you look? You could find a flogger-wielding, cane-swinging, hot-wax pouring Dominant (or Sadist/whatever) in a church social group - or someone who doesn't know - yet - that s/he wants to do those things.

As D2MLG (who, sadly, hasn't yet joined the NFL Pick'Em Pool this year) said: "It's basically about having an idea of who and what you are and finding someone that matches it the best." WHERE you find them is up to the gawds/esses of randomness.

 

[elocin13]

Thanks, friends! I don't really live in an area where I'm likely to find this without putting in some effort. Also, I don't go to clubs or bars, and I have 2 kids that I'm with all the time unless I hire a sitter. That's why I'm thinking online would be a good place to cut out some of the "work" of going out randomly searching for someone. That just seems like walking around with a bucket on a day with a 50% chance of rain and hoping to come home with it full. Chances are too slim! Maybe if I were 20, but I'm not. I'm 39 and not looking to play the field for the next 10 years. I want my Man!

 

[CutieMouse]

When I put sex/kink *ahead* of everything else, I had a hard time finding a partner I enjoyed [fully].

When I make sex/kink of *equal importance* as everything else, things tended to go much more smoothly.

I met one partner through FetLife, but we met with the intention of friendship, not kink. We had a... unique friendship for several years. Tons of things in common that had nothing to do with power dynamics and/or sex; very similar tastes in kink.

I met my other (concurrent, and current) partner through a non-kink personals site. I believe his ad joked about being "dominant, but friendly"; my ad at the time mentioned things like being "happy to let my partner 'run the show'." It isn't a very conventional relationship (understatement), but it's been working pretty well for several years now.

Thanks, friends! I don't really live in an area where I'm likely to find this without putting in some effort. Also, I don't go to clubs or bars, and I have 2 kids that I'm with all the time unless I hire a sitter. That's why I'm thinking online would be a good place to cut out some of the "work" of going out randomly searching for someone. That just seems like walking around with a bucket on a day with a 50% chance of rain and hoping to come home with it full. Chances are too slim! Maybe if I were 20, but I'm not. I'm 39 and not looking to play the field for the next 10 years. I want my Man!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Try to sexual boards: http://*************/forum/

I love your post, btw. PM me?

This is spam, and has been reported as such.

When was the last time you were told you were a bleeding idiot? Recently, I'm sure...

 

[Kim_Burly]

I don't even know where to begin searching for a man/ Dom who is everything I need. I feel a strong need for a healthy D/s relationship with a respectful Dom. I don't want a "play partner." Also, I have 2 kids, and I want a real partner, one who would eventually join my family. At this point I feel I'm somewhat doomed . . . vanilla who wants a real committment (including taking part in parenting with me) OR D/s with all the fun stuff but no happily-ever-after.
My question is, IF I were to try online dating, would sites like eharmony and match.com even have categories for D/s people? It doesn't look like the literotica personals or collarme.com really have people looking for a settle-down relationship. What's in between??

For the most part, I am living the dream you write about above. I used "code words" leader, HOH, take charge in my dating site profile and it worked out better than I could have dreamed. Is he perfect? No (sorry Sir ) but neither am I. Have there been bumps in the road? Sure and there will be more. As everybody's favorite Russian dictator and all around great guy said "Perfect is the enemy of good enough". Good luck in your search, be patient.

 

[elocin13]

What's HOH? I have yet to go on a dating site . . .

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

What's HOH? I have yet to go on a dating site . . .

Head Of Household

 

[elocin13]

Thanks, I thought that was it but didn't want to be wrong! I kind of always thought that when a woman says she's looking for a head of household it means "a man who pays the bills." Forgive me for being naive - like I said, I have not been on a dating site yet. So, men don't see HOH as, "she doesn't work?"

 

[Loverskitten]

Thanks, I thought that was it but didn't want to be wrong! I kind of always thought that when a woman says she's looking for a head of household it means "a man who pays the bills." Forgive me for being naive - like I said, I have not been on a dating site yet. So, men don't see HOH as, "she doesn't work?"

I've been on and off dating sites for a couple years now and have never seen "HOH" in any profile. Maybe it's a term women use but I haven't browsed women. I can see how that would be interpreted as "I want someone to take care of me" but then, I am not in the market for a TPE relationship.

My dating advice for you. Join Fetlife, browse events and kinksters in your area.
Don't bother with collar me or other "hook up" type sites. Join vanilla dating sites. I have only used the free sites but may try a paid one soon. Concentrate on finding someone, with whom you have chemistry. That part is hard enough. You can find out about their sexual appetite a few dates into it. Don't put the cart before the horse.
Be honest in your profiles, don't be flaky, try to meet in real life quickly (no need to email for months only to find there's no chemistry) meet in a public place, and be safe.

And if you have gripes, funny stories, etc. feel free to add to my "dating sucks" thread here in the cafe
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=792411

Good luck, it's not easy out there but like I always say, even a bad date makes a good story.

 

[subwannabe]

It is possible to have your cake and eat it to. Most people feel like you have to either settle for vanilla or settle for not having a real relationship. You have to search for what you want instead of just throwing in the towel at the very beginning. Congratulations on being greedy and wanting it all. You don't have to settle.

 

[Primalex]

Thanks, friends! I don't really live in an area where I'm likely to find this without putting in some effort. Also, I don't go to clubs or bars, and I have 2 kids that I'm with all the time unless I hire a sitter. That's why I'm thinking online would be a good place to cut out some of the "work" of going out randomly searching for someone. That just seems like walking around with a bucket on a day with a 50% chance of rain and hoping to come home with it full. Chances are too slim!

I hate to ruin your illusion, but online dating does not save you any time.

The difference between real life dating and online dating is how you spend the time. Real life you have less dates, but with a higher chance for success. Online you have more dates, but with a lower chance for success.


And...seriously - if you don't have time to find a partner, then why do you need one? You wouldn't have time for him either.

 

[Kim_Burly]

Thanks, I thought that was it but didn't want to be wrong! I kind of always thought that when a woman says she's looking for a head of household it means "a man who pays the bills." Forgive me for being naive - like I said, I have not been on a dating site yet. So, men don't see HOH as, "she doesn't work?"

To me, I don't think that HOH necessarily = SAHM. That is where I'm ending up though. This is my last year teaching, after saying good bye to the Class of 2014 I will be a woman of leisure, whether I like it or not .

To me HOH means he is the primary breadwinner, the decider and leader. It's doesn't mean a woman is looking for a sugar daddy.

 

[elocin13]

I hate to ruin your illusion, but online dating does not save you any time.

The difference between real life dating and online dating is how you spend the time. Real life you have less dates, but with a higher chance for success. Online you have more dates, but with a lower chance for success.


And...seriously - if you don't have time to find a partner, then why do you need one? You wouldn't have time for him either.

What I meant was meeting people online as opposed to simply hoping I'll meet Mr. Right at Target. I am not a club/bar girl, so without looking online to meet people to go out with, I am unlikely to meet someone at random. I'm looking for an "online relationship." As for time, I can make time hr paying a sitter, and is do that for a prospective partner. Not willing to pay sitters so I go wandering around somewhere alone with a pocket full of hope and nothing more. Hope that made sense, I'm recovering from surgery today.

 

[elocin13]

typo

*not looking for an online relationship.

 

[Primalex]

Not willing to pay sitters so I go wandering around somewhere alone with a pocket full of hope and nothing more.

That's the problem. You should pay sitters to leave the house and do stuff you like. That's a useful investment of time, no matter what the result is.

And if you really need to wander around alone, you should focus on getting friends - you know, people who are not your kids. And once you have a life outside your four walls, the rest will be a piece of cake.

 

[elocin13]

My friends are married. When I meet up with them it's for lunch or coffee or something. I can do that during the day while kids are in school. I'm not one to go clubbing or bar hopping or anything - I don't even drink, and I don't find anything about that scene appealing.
I guess I don't see the harm in meeting people online first, seeing if it's even worth it to meet in person, and then paying a sitter to go do that. I just think it's going to be very hard to find a Dom that way. Again, what I'm looking for a very rare breed.

 

[satindesire]

no one said anything about clubbing, but meeting for coffee is obviously not working. Go have an adventure, with friends if possible (yeah even the married ones, they're probably dying for an adventure). And no it doesn't have to be skydiving. Sign up for a class that interests you, go to a convention that interests you, ride horses. If you're religious try going to a different church.

If you can convince them to get away from their family for a bit, married friends make great wingmen (wingwomen?), because you don't have to bicker about who's got the wing, and they're probably grateful for the break.

Don't make it about finding a partner, make it about enriching yourself, have fun, pursue those common interests that might define your perfect guy and you're much more likely to have him fall into your lap while you're having fun.

In the process you're likely to make a few single friends and the process of finding companions for your adventure gets much easier.

Absolutely 100% perfect advice.

 

[Hardon4u21]

To me, I don't think that HOH necessarily = SAHM. That is where I'm ending up though. This is my last year teaching, after saying good bye to the Class of 2014 I will be a woman of leisure, whether I like it or not .

To me HOH means he is the primary breadwinner, the decider and leader. It's doesn't mean a woman is looking for a sugar daddy.

What is HOH and SAHM?

 

[satindesire]

What is HOH and SAHM?

Head of Household and Stay At Home Mom

 

[SoIllSusan]

I'm keeping an eye on this because I am curious how it turns out for you.