Timid girl seeks tips

[sweettemptation]

My husband was my first and I never seemed to jump into sex the way he/ I wanted. I never initiate, can't get myself off, he can't get me off, don't do oral and all around am pretty boring in bed.
He loves me so he'd lie his ass off telling you otherwise but he's bored. so am I.
problem is I can't get over whatever issues I have that make it so hard for me to open up sexually. any one have any tips/ideas/ experience with these issues?

 

[emptynester]

I think in order to help we need a little more info. Do you know what issues you have or are you saying you know you have issues opening up to him sexually but you don't really know what they are.

My husband was my first and only and I went through something similiar. We have been married going on 27 years. Things have never been this good, but it took a long time and working at it to get to where we are now.

My earlier posts describe a lot of what I went through. Without boring you and getting into all of that here, can you explain more about why you think you have trouble opening up more to him? If so, maybe we can help.

 

[sweettemptation]

to describe my issues would be depressing and would probably prompt anyone to tell me to seek professional help...

 

[SweetErika]

Do you have an idea of why you're not open/adventurous (religion, upbringing, fear, etc.)? What have you done in the past, or are you willing to do, to work on it?

It's tough to give advice without any clue as to what the origin/motivation for the problem, so more info would be helpful.

 

[SweetErika]

to describe my issues would be depressing and would probably prompt anyone to tell me to seek professional help...

Have you sought professional help in the past, then? Are you willing to do so again, but perhaps with a more specialized type of therapy?

If you can't/won't tell us what the issues are, and know they're likely something that require a professional, I'm not sure what you expect to get from us.

No one's going to force you to share, but for what it's worth, MANY of us have struggled in the aftermath of all sorts of illnesses, abuse, assault and other horrible things, and it seems most of us keep coming back here because this community is especially good at giving support and resources for healing.

 

[emptynester]

The one thing I like about LIT is you can say a lot of things you would never be brave enough to voice even to your best friend or relative. It is amazing how therapeutic it can be to talk about something you have been keeping inside.

I don't want to depress you or make you say anything you don't want to, but I really don't know how to help not knowing more about your situation. I could tell you my experience but if your situation is nothing like mine, it really won't help at all.

Yes, you probably will get those comments that you need to get help and/or therapy. Here at LIT, you take in what you want to apply and ignore the rest. Don't take it personally. Some things will help some will not.

If you chose to open up here, I would be glad to listen and promise to only be honest and thoughtful in my response. The choice is yours. If you feel more comfortable send me a pm (private message) and I will be glad to help out in any way I can.

 

[sweettemptation]

ok, possible reasons for my issues...

molested as a child
raised in an atmosphere where sex was looked on as dirty
my inexperience

I've actually, believe it or not improved since the beginning of our relationship... I enjoy sex now and don't avoid looking at/touching his penis...

 

[emptynester]

and it seems most of us keep coming back here because this community is especially good at giving support and resources for healing.

Ditto - I wish I had put it so eloquently.

 

[emptynester]

ok, possible reasons for my issues...

molested as a child
raised in an atmosphere where sex was looked on as dirty
my inexperience

I've actually, believe it or not improved since the beginning of our relationship... I enjoy sex now and don't avoid looking at/touching his penis...

sex in general was viewed as dirty or premarital sex?

how long have you been married?

What happened to help you become more comfortable with looking at or touching him?

 

[sweettemptation]

anything sexual was regarded as dirty... I found my dad's porn collection when I was 11, I was of course, curious and got caught looking at it and my whole family was told about what a pervert I was...

We've only been married for two weeks but this has been an issue for two years

what made me more comfortable... time mostly...

 

[SgtSpiderMan]

anything sexual was regarded as dirty... I found my dad's porn collection when I was 11, I was of course, curious and got caught looking at it and my whole family was told about what a pervert I was...

We've only been married for two weeks but this has been an issue for two years

what made me more comfortable... time mostly...

Your dad owned porn but you were the pervert for looking at it????

 

[sweettemptation]

yeah... well he's a man so he's expected to be a pervert... I however am a girl therefore I shouldn't be looking at that stuff

 

[SgtSpiderMan]

yeah... well he's a man so he's expected to be a pervert... I however am a girl therefore I shouldn't be looking at that stuff

That's BS.

 

[SesameStreet]

That's BS.

Sure is. many parents do their daughters so much harm by brainwashing them that if they enjoy sex then they are "Not Nice" or 'trashy women". I could strangle everyone of those parents who do this.

 

[TheSnowCrystal]

You know what Sweet? I really hope you consider finding a good psychotherapist to see, at least for a few sessions. I know, psychotherapist sounds.....you know...but it's something that pretty much everyone could use at some point in our lives. I realize this is a long post, but I hope you read it because it may be a very good help to you.


Here's the deal. Psychotherapy doesn't examine and pick apart everything the way psychiatry does. Psychotherapy looks at past events and how they have affected you, helps you deal with them in a productive manner, and teaches you ways to deal with future situations by developing coping tools that will enable you to maintain a more healthy mental and emotional state.

If you were to see a Psychotherapist you'd need to talk about the basics of what happened to you, as you've mentioned to us, but you wouldn't have to dissect and examine every detail. The therapist would help you recognize, for instance, that your family labeling you as a pervert because of your completely normal sexual curiosity was not reasonable. You'd then look at how that has affected your perception of sex, as well as how it relates directly to you, and help you change that. You may know it was wrong for them to make you feel the way they did, and you may know that sex is a healthy, natural part of life, but you're stuck in this negative place and can't figure out how to change it. Just going through a few sessions of talking through things can be very enlightening and help you make that breakthrough.

It's really nothing to be afraid of! It's much like talking to a good friend, but instead this is someone who has an unbiased and normalized perception, and has the knowledge to help you create a healthier mental and emotional existence for yourself. People often see a psychotherapist just to help them deal with a crisis, a devastating loss, or plain old stress -- that's where the coping tools come in, because you learn to identify what affects you in what way, and how you can better handle it when it arises.

Again, this doesn't have to be a huge emotional drawn out thing. It may just take 5 or 6 visits for you to get what you need. Talking things through with someone else, particularly someone like this, can be such a huge help. Sometimes things suddenly become so obvious and clear you wonder how you didn't realize it yourself!

I'm a big advocate for taking care of yourself in this way, especially since we all have so much stress in our lives. It can be a real treat to get to see that person we can vent to and leave feeling better about things and more prepared to face the world!

I think it's very brave of you to be willing to work at this and make a better situation for yourself, and your husband. You will be able to change this, so stay strong and confident! All the best.....

Crystal

 

[rthnck]

two out of three ain't bad

Of the three issues mentioned there are two of them that should be possible to get past. Sex is dirty and inexperience

First, sex is dirty. Only if you're doing it right Certainly your mindset about sex will play an enormous part of how you react to intimacy. What can you do to get over this hump. This can be a solo activity to start with so you can take it at your own pace. You have to get comfortable with the idea of sex as an enjoyable activity. So sit back and check out short clips on pornotube.com, yuvutu.com, youporn.com. xtube.com. Use the search boxes to explore things that seem interesting to you or even things that make you nervous. It's a safe way to expose yourself. Not to become a porn addict but to look at the wide range of sexual possibilities. You can do it at your own pace. Pick up a couple of books at your library (Joy of Sex, More Joy of Sex, etc.) or just dive into the literotica stories on this site.

Involve your husband. The fact that you're asking the question shows that you care about your relationship and want it to be as good as it can be and he's being understanding about your limitations is "huge". You're fortunate you've found someone like that. Finding out what your partner likes, or thinks about or would like to try is a great way to explore your relationship. So the absolutely most important thing to do here is to communicate. Find a nice non-threatening way of discussing some of your issues or concerns (letter, email, face-to-face, phone, whatever works for you).

Inexperience is a normal thing. No one comes into the world with a clue about orgasms, oral sex, missionary position or anything else you can think of in the wide, world of sex. Learning is more than half the fun. Finding out what you like and what your partner likes and what the two of you like together is tons of fun. Giggle over the fumbles, revel in the touchdowns and enjoy all the yardage in between.

Abuse is of course the Mt. Everest of this thread and while I personally am not a big believer in therapy (I am a huge believer in the "heal thyself" mythos) I also understand that being abused may be something that requires professional help. Seek it if you can. If you can't (for whatever reason), there is plenty of literature and free resources to help you with this issue.

I wish you luck with each and every issue.

 

[emptynester]

anything sexual was regarded as dirty... I found my dad's porn collection when I was 11, I was of course, curious and got caught looking at it and my whole family was told about what a pervert I was...

As you get older I think you start to realize that for you, your marriage, your kids, whatever it may be - you want to do this the same or that different from the way you were raised. Even for those of us who had a wonderful childhood, there are things I have done totally different from the way my parents raised me. My marriage is similar in some respects but I know my parents never did the things my husband and I have and still do sexually.

We've only been married for two weeks but this has been an issue for two years

I am only assuming then that if it has been an issue for a couple of years that you had premarital sex? Sex within marriage doesn't take away those feelings. I am not speaking from experience at all on the premarital part but I remember thinking that once we were married and sex would be OK that would make everything fine. It is difficult to make that change so quickly in your own mind.

If you were molested as a child I would think it would make it that much more difficult. Things that your husband might want to do to/with you may seem dirty or repulsive to you because of the molestation. Again, I can't speak from experience on that at all but I can empathize with you on how it must make you feel.

Try and tell yourself he is doing it for a totally different reason. He loves you, cares for you, you are sexy to him. Nothing is dirty or wrong within that marital relationship. You are his, he is yours, enjoy. Start out very slow. You have a lot of years ahead of you. The most important thing is communication between the two of you. If you don't have that, I honestly think you will struggle until you can communicate. I do have a lot of experience in that area. It has taken me a long time to open up and talk about sex and what I like and what he likes. It is amazing the freedom it has given us both though. It has changed our marriage, our relationship and our friendship with each other.

[/QUOTE]what made me more comfortable... time mostly...[/QUOTE]

You have already said it - time is what it takes to become more comfortable. Take the time you need, talk to each other, go slow but enjoy it. Sex is not dirty, you are not perverted and don't let the past ruin what you can have now with your husband. It takes work on both your parts but it is worth it. I have lots of years of experience when it comes to that.

 

[rydia57]

Whoa, sounds like you grew up next door to me. My brothers and sisters STILL think of sex as dirty and something not to be discussed. Once I got away from home and... learned to masturbate tho, I totally became less inhibited.

 

[cocolacroix]

 

[simplegirl]

One little thing I'd like to add if I may... Sex with your husband, any aspects of it, touching, hugging, kissing, caressing, licking, etc... is a gift that you are sharing with him and vice versa. It's not something that is being done to you, like the molestation was.

It may seem like a small difference, but it's HUGE.

I applaud you for wanting and seeking to overcome this. As everyone has stated, communication is key between the two of you. It sounds like you have a very loving and supportive relationship.

 

[southernsky]

I think you should try fantasizing. Don't tell a soul what you fantasize about yet, just do it. Give yourself permission to try out all sorts of things inside your head, and pay attention to what your body does when you think about these things. Come up with elaborate scenarios, and see if one of them makes you hot. Then, see if you could incorporate some elements of that into your real bedroom. It's a safe way to start figuring out what you really like, and imagining safe, loving scenarios over and over in your head is a good way to help yourself past any traumatic memories.