Trouble getting erection on first night with girl

[jkpel]

OK I did a thread check on this and there was't anything SPECIFICALLY related to the issue of FIRST NIGHT with a girl, erection wise, which is where my problem lays.

Whenever I am in bed with a girl for out first time together I find it hard to get an erection, I basically many times have NOT got hard, and that opportunity for sex has gotten away from me. Now these instances have been basically the only night we have been in bed together, whether a one night stand or what I thought was gonna be the first of many nights with a girlfriend.

I have problems here which I hope you guys can help with.

I have no trouble getting an erection with a girlfriend once I have started to sleep with them, it isn't the first night obviously and I've become comfortable with them. So that's not the issue. The FIRST NIGHT is the problem.

I've had this problem in the past but it is only until recently that I met a girl who I thought there might be a relationship with. We ended up in bed together on the first date (we met twice before though). Played about in bed, my dick refused to get hard. We stopped seeing each other a while later for many reasons why people do.

Yet I can't help but think that my poorformance in bed dick wise had something to do with this. Now she was very forward flirt wise and is a pushy person when it comes to anything physical. She makes the move to snog with me all the time for one thing. I all gives me the POSSIBLE impression that she might have been pushing for sex on the first night, a bit of a nymphomaniac or sex crazed person MAY have been inside her. The way she would talk about sexual things quite openly or shockingly forward etc gives me this impression.

So I think me not giving her what she wanted in bed was part of why we 'split up' or didn't become a proper boyfriend/girlfriend.

So enough is enough. I am sick and tired of not getting hard with a girl on the first night. Why is this? I admit I get scared, I get nervous, when I'm with her or with another girl on the first night, I actually want them to tell me to stop when we are playing about foreplaying. Sometimes I'm like "I want to fuck her, just not now". Or I'm not in the mood properly, not sexually up for it or excited. Or if it' late at night and we've been drinking, I'm simply tired.

But mostly it's nerves. OK - FEAR. What many problems we have in life are about - Fear. I'm scared of many things, how'll perform etc. I also find it hard to get an erection if I'm not relaxed because of the mental connection we have. I'm not at ease with her because of how we 'connect'. A bit intimidated that this girl is a sex mad expert and demands more than I can give and if not, she'll kick me out of bed. Or the nearest thing, stop what we're doing an sleep, and then not want me to see her again - "He's shit in bed".

This could be for all girls we're talking about here.

But yeah, there it is, I've got many barriers in my way stopping me from getting a hard on. I am going though my mind of how to get through them, ow my attitude in bed needs to change or how my sexual persona needs to change, become more dominant etc but get turned on by it.

I've called some advice lines and seen a sexual health doctor who is arranging me to see an Expert of Erection problems, but heh I still need more help from you guys.

I blame myself for so many things why me and the recent girl stopped seeing each other (it was her call) and my poorformance in bed was one of them. She basically said that it wasn't, but I don't believe her. I'm cynical about girls but that don't mean I'm wrong about them. I think Mr Floppy Face was a contributing factor.

Now I know you may say that this is a common problem, don't blame the girl(s) for thinking this and that or that they should have even helped me get hard in bed more etc. I. don't. CARE! I just want, I NEED help, getting to the heart of this problem and stopping it from ever happening again.

I need to get hard with whoever I'm in bed with, whether I even fancy them or not, and get past ANY problem that stops me from getting an erection. I've lost between 5-10 shags 'cos of this problem and me being a disappointment to girls that I really like, that's something I REFUSE to forgive myself for.

So, any help, please tell me people. You've all been great in discussion with other guys, and I really think you're the ones that are gonna help me solve this the best. So I'd really love to hear from you.

 

[infinity706]

Seriously, what I'd do is just tell them. The other thing you need to do is make sure you satisfy her, anyway. A hard dick should not be the only weapon in your arsenal. Kiss her, stroke her, run your fingers through her hair, kiss her all over, and eat her pussy and ass while you're fingering her. Ask if she has any toys she'd be comfortable getting out and enjoying. Ask about her fantasies and offer to make them happen if you're comfortable with them. If all you have to offer is a hard dick, though, there's no reason she couldn't go get another guy in 10 minutes if she wanted. Now, if you blow her away with your skills she probably won't give a shit if she got your dick inside her. Hell, she'll probably even spend the extra effort to give you a blowjob as long as you explain to her that it still works fine. It just takes longer to finish if the guy isn't hard. Seriously, a guy that will satisfy her regardless of how hard his dick is, will be close to the top of her favorite partners ever (sexually anyway) and she'll probably work hard to hold onto you.

 

[fuckmeat]

If you know you have an important date coming up, you could refrain from masturbating. That may make it easier to get and maintain an erection on the first night with a girl. Once things get past the foreplay stage, you could even excuse yourself and have a time out in the bathroom to stroke yourself and get hard. You know what physical stimulation best makes your cock hard, whereas the girl will have to figure all that out.

You really have made this a mental road block though. If you want to get past this, you should consider explaining things to the girl you're with. Even if you just say 'I'm a little nervous' at least she'll then know that the issue is with you and not because of her appearance naked or hat she has somehow failed to arouse you. Women are just as insecure in bed as men, so communication will hopefully break the ice further and develop that emotional connection that you say you need. She might even see it as a bit of a challenge and go all out to turn you on.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I need to get hard with whoever I'm in bed with, whether I even fancy them or not, and get past ANY problem that stops me from getting an erection. I've lost between 5-10 shags 'cos of this problem and me being a disappointment to girls that I really like, that's something I REFUSE to forgive myself for.

Here's your problem right here.

It's just "don't think of pink elephants", cock-style.

Your dick doesn't give a damn what you "need" or "refuse" to do. It's a hotline to your emotions.

Work on being comfortable with yourself first, or just pop a V.

 

[satindesire]

Your penis isn't necessary to satisfy a woman sweetheart. If you're aware of the importance of the clitoris to most women when it comes to sexual pleasure and orgasm, you'll know that your talent in foreplay, oral sex and manual stimulation is far more important than sticking your penis into her vag! ^_^

Really, what you have is called "performance anxiety" and it's so common as to be thought of as a non-issue. You're SO normal it's not even funny. Most people get too nervous to get hard/orgasm the first few times they're intimate with someone, and I'm pretty sure every woman has had that experience too, lest she's a virgin.

Be honest. Tell her, "I'm kind of nervous right now, so can we skip intercourse and just do other things?" I'm 100% sure if you're direct and sweet enough about it, the girls' going to be fine with it.

 

[ESOTERICLY]

I've never had this problem and i can tell you why.

my main objective and what i really really like is to see, feel taste and just experience a woman coming.

heh! gets me hard just think about it.

i know that I'm going to get off and I'm going to make damned sure she does at least twice if possible before we finish. If it happens during foreplay good!

relax stop taking yourself and sex so seriously you both will have much more fun!

 

[Jamison]

Listen, jkpel. If your problem is nerves or performance anxiety or whatever you want to call it, here's an easy out. Drink a lot of fluids prior to having sex. If you need more time before having sex you can fill it with romantic stuff, assuming you're good at that kind of thing. Otherwise, just watch a movie or something. When you really have to pee you're going to have a hard-on, and when you have a hard-on because you have to pee it is really difficult to cum. It won't be as fun for you, but you'll last a lot longer and be better for her. You would not believe the kind of shit you can pull off. Combine this with other good sex advice and you'll be her star, I promise you.

After that you'll need to work on your technique a bit. Overly long sessions will eventually get tiring (and painful) for your partner, and she'll be expecting greater pleasure in a more succinct fashion at some point. To understand how to address this problem you need to understand how the female orgasm works. I'll leave the expert advice to the females, but what I've heard is that females do not experience orgasm in the same way we do. For them orgasm is a constant building of pressure until it becomes unbearable and overwhelms them. For males, it's a pre-built pressure that is relieved by release. I've based most of my technique on that assumption and a lot of practice and it seems to work fine, but again, I'll leave that assertion to the judgement of our resident female experts.

Similarly, I'll leave the judgement as to what kind of pre-coital activity is best to the females. I'm just another guy, and what I think is so may not always be so. There are just too many factors.

 

[kaycee217]

Your penis isn't necessary to satisfy a woman sweetheart. If you're aware of the importance of the clitoris to most women when it comes to sexual pleasure and orgasm, you'll know that your talent in foreplay, oral sex and manual stimulation is far more important than sticking your penis into her vag! ^_^

Really, what you have is called "performance anxiety" and it's so common as to be thought of as a non-issue. You're SO normal it's not even funny. Most people get too nervous to get hard/orgasm the first few times they're intimate with someone, and I'm pretty sure every woman has had that experience too, lest she's a virgin.

Be honest. Tell her, "I'm kind of nervous right now, so can we skip intercourse and just do other things?" I'm 100% sure if you're direct and sweet enough about it, the girls' going to be fine with it.

What she said

 

[LaRocha]

stay away from those miley cyrus upskirt photos, man.

 

[jkpel]

Thanks for all your advice so far guys. I had some ideas in mind of what to do, but the eye opener amongst other things that's been said here, is to use other ways to pleasure a girl rather than relying on just my dick. I did this with previous partners, man it never occoured to me with this recent girl. Now I kick myself for not doing this.

I know, the erection could happen during this before I knew it too. Again, it's just that first night nerves of having to actually officially have sex that bums it all out.

I like everything that people have said so far, it helps and it's comforting to have so many be concerned as well as what you say. Keep it all coming, I need these revelations. I never want this failure to happen again.

 

[satindesire]

I like everything that people have said so far, it helps and it's comforting to have so many be concerned as well as what you say. Keep it all coming, I need these revelations. I never want this failure to happen again.

And this kind of thought process will GUARANTEE you that it will.

You have to be okay with your penis doing whatever it wants to do. If you've got hangups about it, then you won't be able to fix the situation. Relaxing and realizing that your penis is basically an organ that you have ZERO control over is the only way you're going to normalize and be comfortable. Not getting an erection because you were nervous isn't a FAILURE.

Think of it this way. If a girl is too nervous the first few times she's intimate with you, and she can't reach orgasm because of it, do you think that she has FAILED?!

 

[jkpel]

Nah I don't. I just think that with men it's different. We're expected to be these great performers in bed, or the pressure of society, peers, other things whatever etc as well as sometimes in our head, certain girls in bed, well they all give this pressure that us guys have to perform.

OK, well it's the way I see it about me. I know things are expected of me, consciously or subconsciously. I also get the feeling that I've been judged because of this, and not always fairly. Yeah yeah you could say 'well the girl ain't worth it' if she thinks this, but the point is, that I should be getting hard and doing well anyway. Nothing can make that fact of this not happening go away. Some girls just aren't that forgiving I've found no matter what we may think of them for thinking this.

At the end of the day, I still gotta do this, for me if not anyone else. Can't change that.

I don't mean to say something you may disagree with or disagree with what you've said, as I fully do agree with you still, despite what I just wrote above. You've spoken great wisdom and great practical advice, I will think on this, some good's come out of it I think. It's taken the worry and thought of getting an erection out of my head in bed I think and that's a start.

 

[SkyMoonAbove]

patience with yourself and your body would be a good start. unless you're in some kind of weird sex-athon thing, it's not a race.

i don't ever recall in my sexual experience where i was expecting a man to be immediately hard for me if at all.

yep, satin is right on the money.

 

[jkpel]

Ugh I just remembered the girl saying "Ooooww you gone all soft!" As she also had her hand on my penis for a while earlier and it was showing some indication of growing, then after a different position in bed of playing about it went back to normal. Part of the reason for this thread, her comment. Sigh.

 

[satindesire]

Ugh I just remembered the girl saying "Ooooww you gone all soft!" As she also had her hand on my penis for a while earlier and it was showing some indication of growing, then after a different position in bed of playing about it went back to normal. Part of the reason for this thread, her comment. Sigh.

This is telling of a poor sexual education and lack of experience.

You shouldn't take this as what all women are like and what all women expect.

That girl was sexually immature and had no idea how men REALLY work. Allowing her to damage your self-esteem is as foolhardy as a man damaging a woman's self esteem because she can't orgasm via vaginal penetration...it's simply down to how much she really knows about realistic sexuality.

 

[micky4play]

A man is more than his penis - if you're a good lover, your partner will hardly notice the lack of an erection - grace, class, and authenticity - along with reasonable technique, will guarantee a good time for all....

 

[jkpel]

Thanks, Satin. I dunno about her really, and all her sexual experience, maturity etc. She's early 20s and had a boyfriend already before that I knew about and she already seems very sexual when you hang out with her. Um, she also liked to get on top and rub herself agasint me to an orgasm - then she said staight after "Did you like my fake orgasm?" Only THEN later on on a date she said that she said that as a joke and that her orgasm was real. Girl, you muck my brain about but I do love it, sometimes. But that's a picture of her sexually.

But in that same conversation she said that my lack of erection, she thought that I didn't fancy her (she's wrong), so I think her comment veered more to her own self esteem getting damaged than one might think.

What am I trying to say here still? Um, I think it's a bit rude for her to say that about me and is a knock against me maybe. Also what I said about her above, she felt a knock to her own desireability. But yeah, at the end of the day, no erection, no good.
Sigh, hard work this case.

 

[miaction69]

i was with a guy about 10 years ago who was a really good fuck (to put it bluntly) but very vanilla in exporing other play
the first time we went to this hotel and he gave me the most awesome massage -he was good at lots of things...he was a drummer - fast and furious but i didn't find that out until about the 3rd time.
on the first few times, he had major trouble staying hard, mostly when he was inside me he'd loose it -
i didn't mind - coz i really liked him as a person and i knew it wasn't 'me' - he kept saying sorry (which bugged me) coz really i wasn't too fussed I just thought ok we're gonna have to work thru this slowly plus he was married (at the end of) and I figured it was hangups with that.....i don't really know what it was
but he just got over it and when he did he was an awesome fuck and no problem staying hard .....
i think most females (provided they are into you) don't see ur problem as a real problem unless it stays unresolved- and if you can try not to think about it and just go for it ......i think good sex is about compatibility - maybe your attracted to the wrong type of girls.

 

[Firebrain]

My husband had this issue when we first knew each other and we ended up on a break. This is going to sound utterly callous but he cured himself by going to bed with a girl he wasn't really attracted to and thus didn't care about much. When we got back together, he was, ahem, much improved!

ETA that as the girl, it's a pretty mortifying position to be in. It's no excuse for lack of tact but probably the reason.

 

[Neast19]

I had this problem with my girlfriend. Basically we came home drunk one evening and due to the alcohol I couldnt get it up. This really got to me, and I started to feel nervous about what happens if it happens again. Low and behold next time we start fooling around I start to worry about not getting erect and bingo, no erection. This carried on for a couple days, each day getting worse as now I convinced myself I had a 'history of non-erections', each based on getting nervous due to one drunken failure. However eventually me and my girlfriend discussed it and I admitted it was very much a mental issue. At this point she told me to stop worrying about it, she didnt care if I got erect or not. She then took the whole erection problem into her own hands, and ive never had a issue since. Its all in the mind, if your worrying then your not horny and therefore no erection.

Basically get comfortable with a girl. Tell her you have had issues in the past and that its probably a mental thing. That negates the need to get worried about it, as she already knows. Now your much more relaxed, and not thinking 'Shit, need to get hard!'. Should come naturally.

 

[jkpel]

ETA that as the girl, it's a pretty mortifying position to be in. It's no excuse for lack of tact but probably the reason.

Not sure what this means. Sorry!

You're all right about the mental thing and worrying. I need to become less scared and more dominant in mind. Bit of a wall.

 

[Firebrain]

Not sure what this means. Sorry!

You're all right about the mental thing and worrying. I need to become less scared and more dominant in mind. Bit of a wall.

I meant that as the girl with the guy who can't get it up, it's pretty embarrassing for her and she probably didn't mean to phrase things the way she did.

 

[satindesire]

Firebrain's right. Many women incorrectly think that a man gets an erection easily and every time he's sexual with a woman. That it's effortless and doesn't get affected by emotions. Most women understand that their own orgasm or readiness for sexual activity is determined by how comfortable and emotionally content they are, but for some reason cannot extend that same understanding to men.

Just because it happens more in women than men, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

A little communication goes a long way in situations like this. And if she doesn't listen, then she's really not worth it.

 

[infinity706]

It can happen just as easily with men, though. I've even faked orgasms with super inexperienced guys that didn't have a clue and were just getting frustrated because they wouldn't take any hints. It's not hard if you use a condom, since the precum can look a lot more impressive than it really is. You can even fake a dry orgasm, masturbating in front of a guy or even a woman as long as you either tell her or she knows that guys can run low on cum if they masturbated recently. If a guy can fake orgasms with another guy, how would an inexperienced woman know any better. Of course, it's been a while and I wouldn't do it with someone I was willing to see again, but guys can win the When Harry Met Sally Award, too.

Oh, and as for the erection, if it's just nerves, don't worry about it as long as you have time. Just continue on with something else like maybe a little kissing, massage, spanking, or anything you're both comfortable with, possilby touching yourself in the process. Not once have I ever failed to get hard as long I had an hour or so to wait. As long you reassure your partner and don't make a big deal out of it, there shouldn't really be any issue even with an inexperienced partner.

 

[Shovelclaw]

Performance anxiety will definitely affect your ability to get an erection. If you aren't comfortable with yourself, the other person, and/or the environment you are put in, then it gets hard (haha) to get it up.

Be comfortable with yourself. Accept yourself fully, flaws and all. Be confident in who you are. If your body image is an issue, work out...but keep in mind that we all have different body types. Just rock out what you have.

Be comfortable with the girl. It's usually a good idea to get to know the girl before you sleep with her. You will feel a lot better about it all. Hopefully you will realize that she is a wonderful girl and will be very understanding. There will be less pressure on performance that way. Besides, if good sex is all she is after, then she probably isn't the kind of girl you want to be seeing anyway.

Be comfortable in your environment. If you are trying to do the girl in a back alley, in your car, or in the bedroom next to your parents, then you are gonna be worried about being caught. It's best to do it in a place where you can relax and not have to worry about anything but that moment with the girl.

Stop smoking and/or drinking. Substances fuck with your dick. If you know your gonna get lucky that night, it would be a good idea to not put anything toxic in your body.

Stop masturbating. It's harder to get an erection when your all out of...juice. Plan ahead and don't masturbate before your lucky night.