Trouble in Paradise

[catalina_francisco]

but you love your little girl don't you? I can't cut it off in my head that he can (and does, just won't admit it) love me. I know it is gonna take time but, what else do I have to give, right?

Thanks, Betts for quasi-proving my point.

Oh, I missed this earlier. Please go and get a copy of the book 'He's Just Not That Into You' and read it with an open mind. You sound like you are talking yourself into a relationship which doesn't exist and which is going to screw you over big time when you allow reality to hit you full force. You need to get the thought 'he can love me (etc)' outta your head unless he actually does and shows you he does....that doesn't seem to be in his agenda right now.

As to what else do you have to give?....you have a whole lot to give, but I wouldn't waste it on this relationship which through his own words is bound to go nowhere....give it to someone who appreciates it, gives back, and returns your feelings. Life is too short, believe me, and as Homburg says, there are a whole lotta fish in the sea who would be much more into you and a relationship and not holding back and keeping you hanging on just in case they don't find anyone else right away. Sorry to be so blunt, but I have heard this line so many times and never has it come out with a positive ending for the one who patiently and devotedly decided to wait for them to come to their senses. Sorta reminds me of the lyrics of this song...

"I Can't Make You Love Me"

Turn Down The Light
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close
Don't patronise
Don't patronise

'Cause i can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something that it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And i feel the power
But you won't, no you won't

'Cause i can't make you love me if you don't
I'll close my eyes, then i won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Mornin' will come and i'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And i will give up this fight

'Cause i can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something that it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And i feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause i can't make you love me if you don't


Catalina

 

[Homburg]

Please note the important phrases in my post above:

"For me, the "what if's" work in a different direction."

and

"When I get to that point where I know it won't work"

I wasn't necessarily providing advice, more just my viewpoint. Most people are wired to be limpets and cling until there is no chance, thus starting it with "For me".

And you have apparently not reached the point where you know it won't work.

 

[SweetGigi]

*shakes head*

ok, this thread is becoming toxic to me. I have made a choice for myself to continue at this point with Jim. That is not to say I am not guarding myself and taking the emotional steps needed to be wary of any other issues that might come about. I understand 'jumping ship' right now might seem like it's best for me in the eyes of others, but I just don't work like that and I'm glad of that.

I've been the bottled up bitter lonely person before. I remember how bad it hurt everytime I tried to reach out for help only to be 'dumped' because being with me was 'too hard' or 'too much trouble'. Had just one person really taken the time to help me see that I wasn't a worthless cause, I might have moved forward much sooner. I know it is not my place to 'change' Jim, but I don't really want to change him. I love him just as he is- I just know where he is and how hard it is to be there. He's been abandoned many times before by other women and each time it hardens him more and more. (just as it did me) I have weighed the pros and cons of this situation and, as for now, things are still much better than they are bad. There is still much to be discussed and there will be time for that. I just feel that now is not the time to give up on this. I know he wouldn't give up on me.

I appriecate the counter-thoughts here, really. They have each been considered thoughtfully and allowed to sink in. I am glad there are those of you here that care enough to say their mind, but I would hope you would also respect me enough to support what ever choice I make. I don't know what is gonna happen with Jim, but for now this is my plan.

Thank you all again.

 

[FurryFury]

Dear Gigi,

I'm so sorry. I totally understand how you feel now that you've made up your mind. I'm zipping my mouth on this issue.

Please know I only wish you the best regardless.

*HUG*

 

[SweetGigi]

....You need to get the thought 'he can love me (etc)' outta your head unless he actually does and shows you he does....that doesn't seem to be in his agenda right now.....

When Jim found out about the wreck and contacted me, he was hysterical. He apologized profusely for his bad timing and I genuinely felt his concern, worry and empathy. Note: HE IS NOT LIKE THIS. He does not show emotion or react to it. For him to allow these displays to be shown to me is a sign that he does really care for me, but is having a really hard time showing it and might even not know how to. I have read the afore mentioned book and I truly believe this is not the case here.

 

[SweetGigi]

Please note the important phrases in my post above:

"For me, the "what if's" work in a different direction."

and

"When I get to that point where I know it won't work"

I wasn't necessarily providing advice, more just my viewpoint. Most people are wired to be limpets and cling until there is no chance, thus starting it with "For me".

And you have apparently not reached the point where you know it won't work.

I know, Hommie, where your heart is and it is duly noted, loved and appreciated. I took what you said as it was meant and I thank you for your concern.

You too, Cat and Furry.

 

[intothewoods]

I said this to someone else earlier in PM, it would be easy for me to say "drop that zero and get yourself a hero!" (Ricky Lake? Anyone?) But we all have been in complicated relationships and know it's never that easy or that simplistic.

It is really about communicating with your partner, and being honest with yourself, to see if you can meet each other's needs. Best wishes, Gigi. One day at a time.

 

[Homburg]

I know, Hommie, where your heart is and it is duly noted, loved and appreciated. I took what you said as it was meant and I thank you for your concern.

*big hugs*

 

[intothewoods]

*big hugs*

Geez. I thought I was special. You're a hug whore!

 

[Homburg]

Geez. I thought I was special. You're a hug whore!

Well, I don't touch them the way I touch you.

*waggles magic fingers*

 

[BiBunny]

Some of us have this dogged determination inside of us that makes us have to play things out 'til the bitter end. I know I'm one of those people. The only thing that makes it admirable in some cases and stupid in others is hindsight, unfortunately.

 

[intothewoods]

Oh, I missed this earlier. Please go and get a copy of the book 'He's Just Not That Into You' and read it with an open mind. You sound like you are talking yourself into a relationship which doesn't exist and which is going to screw you over big time when you allow reality to hit you full force. You need to get the thought 'he can love me (etc)' outta your head unless he actually does and shows you he does....that doesn't seem to be in his agenda right now.

Oops, I missed this earlier. Erm, really? I mean, I've seen the guy interviewed and the concept is totally fine and but must we give that guy anymore money?

Here's the short version: He's just not that into you. And, don't waste the pretty.

My relationship bible of sorts is How to Get the Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix. I highly recommend it! In fact, if you saw the "He's just not that into you" Sex and the City episode (the huge response to the episode prompted the book, btw) ... I'm a little like Mirandah after she gets the whole "he's just not that into you" point. I got religion, baby. I'm like conscious and shit.

 

[FurryFury]

I missed the wreck!



*HUG*

 

[SweetGigi]

I missed the wreck!



*HUG*

It was traumatic. Thanks for the hugs.

 

[FurryFury]

It was traumatic. Thanks for the hugs.

I'll bet. There are tons more hugs for you anytime!

*HUGXtons*

 

[minx1]

major snip!

There is still much to be discussed and there will be time for that. I just feel that now is not the time to give up on this.

I don't know what is gonna happen with Jim, but for now this is my plan.

I can completely empathise with what you are going through gigi. I don't know you _very_ well, but for what its worth I think you are doing the right thing for you and thats what matters.
You think its worth it so hang in there, talk and spend time together. Let things take their natural course and who knows what will happen in the future.

I hope it works out for both of you

 

[SweetGigi]

thank you so very much, Minx. Thank you all.

 

[twysted73]

I agree with Catalina- it's possible for people to convince themselves of anything.

I do it all the time.

I have loved men and women who are unable to love me back. Hell, I love one right now. It makes me run, in normal circumstances... mostly because I love very deeply, very quickly. And once I love, I love forever... exes of mine who have harmed me, still have a small part of my heart, even though I will never speak with them again. My heart doesn't ache for them, I just know that they have a small piece of it.

Possibility is endless. He may fall in love with you.

However, he's in a place right now, where he's built a wall between you. He wants the wall there. Only HE can remove it.

Jade has it.
I'm as she is with thte heart. Quick and deep (for the right people) with pieces lost as a result.
I'm also where your Jim is. I've lost so many pieces I wonder if I'll be able to make my heart love like that again.
Know that he does care for you deeply. To allow your own fears to get the best of you would be a terrible end to what you have.
So often the fight or flight kicks in and 9/10, self-preservation of emotion and avoidance of heartache make us take off like a prom dress.

But he's been a kicked dog. It took him a lot to tell you he feels that way knowing that emotional security is life's blood for women in general.
So be Gigi and not your average bear. Stick with him. Show his skittish heart that you really mean to stay. Prove to his heart that it's wall between you two is unfounded, rediculous and unecessary.

His heart is testing you.
Don't fail.

If he's worth it....if this is a battle you pick to fight, give it your all. (realizes he's giving the gipper speach and gets the hell out of Dodge)

Maybe....maybe it's Business Time........Awwwww yeah.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GpTTf175aE