True Love and Great Sex Incompatible?

[CWatson]

“The more he cares and respects her the harder it is to fuck her”.

I think there is some truth to this; I have certainly found it so in my (extremely limited) experiences. However, Esther Perel is making a false assumption: that people want fucking.

Again, my experience is very thin; I have had sex... Hmm. Well, I didn't keep track at the time, but assuming an average of four times a week for the seven weeks we were together... Let's be generous and call it 30. That is the sum total of my entire lifetime experience. (Yes, I know. Hush.) Out of those, I have "fucked"... three times? The rest were better described as lovemaking. And you know what? I'm okay with that. I don't consider athletic, aggressive sex to be necessary in a relationship--or, frankly, to even be particularly desirable. All I need to do now is find a woman who feels the same way, and I'm set for life. (Or at least for sex-life.)

Furthermore, you could make the argument that, as intimacy and trust grow, lovers start to feel more free with each other. It seems to me that you would feel more free to "let go" with someone you trusted infinitely, and someone who trusted you infinitely--someone whom you know, from experience, is willing to take anything you have to offer. Someone feel free to contradict me, since I am not speaking from personal experience, but this is what makes sense to me.

 

[satindesire]

That's a beautiful statement.

Thank you. The relationship between us is truly amazing in all ways. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I just pray I can keep on doing it.

 

[handsfree6969]

In my opinion, they are not necessarily incompatible.

For us, there seems to have been an ebb and flow over the years. We have gone through periods were the sex was totally mind blowing and times where we were in a "quieter" pattern (so many things impact your sex life). I think the key is continually working on being in tune with what the other persons wants/needs (not just sexually but in the greater scope of the relationship -- I always have to remind myself that men and women think so differently -- even though we are coming up on 25 years). Sometimes those wants/needs contradict yours, which I believe is where the idea of "giving of yourself" comes into play. The giving of ones self has to be a two way street though (may not be totally equal but reciprocity must exist).

We came to a point a couple of years ago where we thought it was going to end. Once we both faced the fact that we didn't want to spend our lives with other people, we had mind blowing sex for almost 2 years (it was like we were newly weds again). Now we are in "quieter" pattern but I sense a change coming as kids are leaving the nest.......

 

[albertaboy]

Just because YOU enjoy being unfaithful to your wife doesn't mean all men are exactly like you.

People are capable of monogamy. Don't use the comforting thought that 'everyone' does it to make it easier for you to sleep at night, 'cause that just ain't reality.

I've been monogamous for 25+ years, sex is great with my wife although frequency has dropped off since we were newlyweds.

I think some people confuse quantity with quality.

 

[Boundlife]

Actually, I find that the more deeply in love with someone I am, the better the sex gets. For one thing, you have time to learn all about what gets each other off. For another, you add emotion to the sensation, and it only gets more intense. I don't expect everyone to feel the same way, but I do.

Furthermore, you could make the argument that, as intimacy and trust grow, lovers start to feel more free with each other. It seems to me that you would feel more free to "let go" with someone you trusted infinitely, and someone who trusted you infinitely--someone whom you know, from experience, is willing to take anything you have to offer. Someone feel free to contradict me, since I am not speaking from personal experience, but this is what makes sense to me.

I'm getting a few crushes here

 

[jdsgirl]

Actually, I find that the more deeply in love with someone I am, the better the sex gets. For one thing, you have time to learn all about what gets each other off. For another, you add emotion to the sensation, and it only gets more intense. I don't expect everyone to feel the same way, but I do.

I couldn't agree more! JD and I met in college and had a no-strings-attached, physical relationship. It was good. We reconnected last year (18 years after our college fling) and fell in love. Now, the sex is fantastic! Every sensation IS that much more intense. Add a heart that is deeply in love to a body that is wild with desire, and the experience is INCREDIBLE. For me, it took being in love and trusting completely to discover and embrace my submissiveness; there's nothing like being dominated by the one I love!

 

[Hester]

all of the truly great sex i've had has been within the arms of truly great love

as goes the heart, so goes the cunt

 

[Carnevil9]

as goes the heart, so goes the cunt

That's beautiful, man!!!

 

[thirty]

I haven't really seen that much of a connection between love and great sex. I've fallen in love 6 times and had sex with, well, a lot more than 6 people. Some of the love relationships have/had great sex and some of them, it's just ok. It varies as much as sex in any other relationship. The absolute best sex I've ever had was a one night stand, though.

well said...

some women are natually wet and slippy when other are not, although it's something to do with their moods and the feelings between the partners.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

“The more he cares and respects her the harder it is to fuck her”.

I've found this can be true at times. I know we tend to stray from the D/s and kink at times, the longer we're together, and the more we love each other. We have to make the conscious effort sometimes, to remember that's part of what we love about each other, and bring it back.

“The caring protective elements that foster love; often block the unselfconscious ness that fuels erotic pleasure.”

Depends on the person, I think. My partner manages to block that part out at times, and get all primal with me, and we have very hot sex. And then the caring side comes back, and he takes care of me.

“Emotional intimacy inhibits erotic expression.”

Not true, I think. Emotional intimacy paves the wave to that expression. By being that close, emotionally, and having that trust, all facets of a person's sexual psyche can be explored safely.


Like a few others here, I've had my best sex with the person I love. And we do both still hook up with other people. I know, for me, without that connection, then it's just not as good. It's fine, but it's not great. With my partner, we respond instinctually to each other, we read each other, and respond, and it's electrifying.

 

[a75]

“More intimacy; less sex. Love is closeness; but desire requires distance”.
“The more he cares and respects her the harder it is to fuck her”.
“So many couples have a hard time having hot sex with the one they love”.
“The caring protective elements that foster love; often block the unselfconscious ness that fuels erotic pleasure.”
“Emotional intimacy inhibits erotic expression.”

(Wikipedia) An aphorism is an original thought, spoken or written in a laconic and memorable form (...) In modern usage an aphorism is generally understood to be a concise statement containing a subjective truth or observation cleverly and pithily written.

I don't think we should take aphorisms very seriously and let them guide us. In my opinion, they 're something like astrology: we tend to remember that one occasion they were proved right, but we all forget the thousands of times they were proved wrong!

 

[erikku31]

It's really all in your head. If you think you can have it all than you can. If you think you have to choose than you do.

 

[CWatson]

I don't think we should take aphorisms very seriously and let them guide us. In my opinion, they 're something like astrology: we tend to remember that one occasion they were proved right, but we all forget the thousands of times they were proved wrong!

Thank you for pointing this out! =)

There's something in the human psyche called the "Availability Heuristic," which causes people to assume that an event's likelihood of occurrence is equal to the ease with which an example of that event can be brought to mind. This is quite obviously bullshit--the proportion of terrorist attacks on American soil is not 100%, no matter how easy it is to remember 9/11--but it's how the human brain works. It's related to the vividness effect as well: that which is memorable is (duh) easier to remember, but as such is assumed to happen more frequently.

Simply put: we must strive to remember that, just because something was picturesque, that doesn't make it common or even likely.

(Honestly, I think the person who most needs to remember this is Esther Perel. You'd think she would, since she's a clinical psychologist and has spent her whole life studying this stuff...)

 

[doncarlos]

(Wikipedia) An aphorism is an original thought, spoken or written in a laconic and memorable form (...) In modern usage an aphorism is generally understood to be a concise statement containing a subjective truth or observation cleverly and pithily written.

I don't think we should take aphorisms very seriously and let them guide us. In my opinion, they 're something like astrology: we tend to remember that one occasion they were proved right, but we all forget the thousands of times they were proved wrong!

The author is not writing 'aphorisms' but reporting her general conclusions from her medical practice. The quoted statements may not even cover her own personal experiences. As we have seen here the variations from one person to the next vary substantialy. It is also clear that those who seek professional advice are not a representative sample of everybody.

To me what is intriguing about the statements is that they are counterintuitive. You may call them paradoxes. And I am just one single person who has been dumbfounded by experiencing one or more of those.

 

[Licia]

We married for love, and the sex only gets better with time. Emotional intimacy has NEVER doused the flames.

Communication breakdown that leads to mistrust is the root of all misery and disconnect, even the least skilled psychologist should know this.

 

[Seamen]

Just because a psychologist came up with a theory doesn't make it true. Empirical research is necessary before it can even be considered to have some validity. Especially, in this case, the psychologist has dealt with variables that cannot even be quantified in terms of a definitive description:

1. What is Love? Is there anything as Love at all? Love (or emotional intimacy or whatever) is at best a subjective experience, and it means different things to different people.

2. What is erotic expression or mind blowing sex? This, too, means different things to different people. According to the Arousal theory of Motivation, people seek optimum arousal at any given time, and this optimum level is subjective and cannot be quantified. So, "mind blowing sex" would vary from person to person on basis of how stimulated they prefer to remain.

3. Human sexual motivation is complex; consider BDSM and related paraphillias. People in S/M lifestyles are generally emotionally and psychologically satisfied with their relationships. Explaining this behavior would be beyond the scope of the said theory.

I would suggest, therefore, to take this theory but with a pinch of salt, and as an interesting find at best, but to be subjected to extensive empirical research before it could be generalized to all people across all cultures and lifestyles.

 

[culloden]

Together 25 years, and it keeps getting better. It's all about initial compatibility followed by good communication.

 

[justherhusband]

Personally, the theory that good sex and love isn't compatible is far from the truth in my reality. I would die for my husband, I love him so much, and the sex between us gets better every year.[/QUOTE]


This is exactly how I feel about my relationship with my wife. And she tells me the same.