Turn husband into a Dom?

[littlebirdjoy]

Looks like the Doctor has left the building, still reading on Lit but not bothering to respond. Surely an Alpha Dom with such an aura when they enter the room wouldn’t run away at the first sign of trouble would they? Is that learnt behaviour or is it something one is born with, I wonder?

Grow up. Seriously. Some people do have lives outside Lit. Nor does someone need to continue a pointless argument with an individual who is adding nothing of value to the conversation. You just want the last word. Enjoy pissing in the wind.

Did a thread asking for advice really need to turn into a pissing contest? Two of you disagree, fine, argue in PM, don't derail a threat where someone is looking for advice.

^ agreed.

I hope the OP does come back and update. Happy New Year all!

 

[seela]

I think Blackandstrong makes a good point about dominance and submission often being pedestalized and described as something on a higher plane of existance or some next level relationship stuff that can't be reached by mere mortals. That often bothers me.

I believe as well that dominance can be learned if you're motivated enough to work on it. I think most people have a little bit of dominance in them, and if they're motivated to nurture it, it can grow. It might not feel so natural at first, but does it have to? Not everybody needs to be an epic alpha that makes subbies' souls quiver just by walking into a room or looking at them to still be perfectly dominant. Dominance comes in varying degrees and can look different on the outside. It can definitely be situational rather than an all encompassing trait. Not everybody pops out of the womb exuding dominance, but rather slowly grow into it and that's perfectly valid as well. Also, dominance does not necessarily equal sexually dominant.

The key is wanting to explore that, possibly very tiny, part of yourself and giving it a chance to grow. Not everybody wants to do it, and that is fair. But that still doesn't mean they are absolutely incapable of ever doing it.

 

[Blackandstrong]

Grow up. Seriously. Some people do have lives outside Lit. Nor does someone need to continue a pointless argument with an individual who is adding nothing of value to the conversation. You just want the last word. Enjoy pissing in the wind

Thank you for your input. I asked a perfectly reasonable question of him based on a comment he made to me and have yet to receive a response. Perhaps he will respond soon when he has some time to spare?

Have I added value to the thread? With the deepest respect, you nailed your colours to a particular mast early on, so you probably aren’t the best judge to answer that with any degree of impartiality. Others can make their own view.

 

[PhotoKink]

My two cents: yes, most likely maximum that a wife can get out of a vanilla husband with no stated interest in any kink is to turning him into a service Top, not into a real Dom, but... The chances are that if OP has zero experience with either one of those, she does not really care. More than that, at this point she does not know herself which one she needs.

I was on the other end of this situation: my husband wanted some very physical domination from me. It took years of learning both the technical skills and more importanty getting my head to the right place to be able to do it, but by now I am what I call a service Domme. I get little bitbof pleasure out of domination itself, but mostly it is out of knowing that he enjoys it.

I am also in the very same situation as the OP. I am a switch and I would LOVE my husband to do for me what I did for him -- to learn. But it has to be a conscious effort, it does not happen on it's own just by magic. I made this effort, he wouldn't. As a result we do switch from time to time, but (1) only when I ask for it and (2) he is never able to go far enough for me. Not because he does not want to, but because he can't, he is too afraid to hurt me, so as soon as smile leaves my lips he stops and no amount of my pleading for more or harder will help.

 

[sweepthefloor]

How can I turn my hubby into a Dom? I’ve tried telling him I need it but he doesn’t get the urgency. He is whiny and aloof and vanilla.

Do you have to just be born dominant? Is it hopeless?

It is not hopeless. Some people need to be sure that they have permission to do the things that you want them to do.

I am two years into a love story. In the beginning he told me, "I could never hit, slap, bruise, or tell you what to do." I gave him a chance and it worked out.

How did it work out? I set the tone with my submissive and masochistic ways and he reacted with dominance and sadistic ways over time. It didn't happen overnight or in a week, he needed permission and reassurance that this is what I like and want. I stroked his ego. I gave him power. He started to like it.

Sometimes when I feel he is not 'dominant' enough, I realize it is because I can get bossy and demanding based on my mood and stressful job. I have to put myself back in my submissive place and things go back to normal, where normal is him being the leader, decision maker and sexual aggressor.

What is he whiny about? Maybe you can turn that into demanding.
Aloof? Maybe you can turn that into a chance to work for his attention and affection.
Vanilla? Maybe you can satisfy his basic sexual needs first and get on your knees and start worship.

I don't believe that people are just 'born' dominant. I think that a person will never know if they are dominant or not-- until they truly have a real chance to discover if they are like that, or not.

My lover did not realize he likes what he likes, he said he could never do this and now here we are... He is also more sadistic than I imagined he could be. He likes it. His eyes get dark. It is pretty hot.

My advice is to give him a chance, start submitting-- you don't have to wait for him to tell you what to do. See what happens if you just act submissive naturally. You won't have anything to lose and if it turns him on sexually, you will know there is hope.

Our society has trained people that these desires are wrong and bad, so it takes time to undo that training.

 

[KimGordon67]

How can I turn my hubby into a Dom? I’ve tried telling him I need it but he doesn’t get the urgency. He is whiny and aloof and vanilla.

Do you have to just be born dominant? Is it hopeless?

I'm just going to ignore all the quarrels and get back to the OP. Is there maybe something going on here more than just your husband's lack of dominance - describing someone as 'whiny and aloof' does make it sound like you're not overly fond of him. Even 'vanilla' doesn't have to be insulting - like all sex, there's some vanilla sex that is pretty ho-hum, and some that's stupendous.

When I first met my now-ex BF, we had a lot of discussion about my submissive tendencies. He wasn't (then) really a 'natural' dominant, but he was more than happy to do the things because he loved seeing me happy, he loved making me cum, he loved me. I wasn't exactly thrilled about that - I wanted him to enjoy the control for himself, not for me, but he sort of convinced me that me really enjoying sex made him happy, hot, turned on, etc. Over time, he found that he actually enjoyed the control for his own reasons but it didn't start out like that. It started out because he loved me and wanted me to be happy.
Maybe you two need to get that THAT point before you worry about the d/s stuff?

Also, I never phrased anything as a 'need' - I enjoy being dominated, but I don't NEED it. I think that phrasing something as a 'need' can be a bit daunting for the other person (well, in some contexts - in others it can be quite hot, but that's not the context I'm talking about), because if you can't give the person you love something they 'need', it can make you feel pretty inadequate.

These are all just thoughts. Basically, being irritated about the situation is probably not, in my opinion, the best starting point, especially if you're wanting him to be dominant. It's pretty hard to dom someone who's annoyed.

 

[KimGordon67]

It is not hopeless. Some people need to be sure that they have permission to do the things that you want them to do.

I am two years into a love story. In the beginning he told me, "I could never hit, slap, bruise, or tell you what to do." I gave him a chance and it worked out.

How did it work out? I set the tone with my submissive and masochistic ways and he reacted with dominance and sadistic ways over time. It didn't happen overnight or in a week, he needed permission and reassurance that this is what I like and want. I stroked his ego. I gave him power. He started to like it.

Sometimes when I feel he is not 'dominant' enough, I realize it is because I can get bossy and demanding based on my mood and stressful job. I have to put myself back in my submissive place and things go back to normal, where normal is him being the leader, decision maker and sexual aggressor.

What is he whiny about? Maybe you can turn that into demanding.
Aloof? Maybe you can turn that into a chance to work for his attention and affection.
Vanilla? Maybe you can satisfy his basic sexual needs first and get on your knees and start worship.

I don't believe that people are just 'born' dominant. I think that a person will never know if they are dominant or not-- until they truly have a real chance to discover if they are like that, or not.

My lover did not realize he likes what he likes, he said he could never do this and now here we are... He is also more sadistic than I imagined he could be. He likes it. His eyes get dark. It is pretty hot.

My advice is to give him a chance, start submitting-- you don't have to wait for him to tell you what to do. See what happens if you just act submissive naturally. You won't have anything to lose and if it turns him on sexually, you will know there is hope.

Our society has trained people that these desires are wrong and bad, so it takes time to undo that training.

Possibly I should have read this before making my lengthy post - pretty much all of the above.

 

[EmmaBee303]

Thanks, everyone

I really appreciate all of your perspectives. I definitely feel like I came to the right place to talk about this. You guys know your shit.

Some of you have made some unfair assumptions about me, which I expected, but I don’t feel like I owe it to anyone to clear those things up publicly. Also, thanks to everyone who PMed me with their thoughts.

I’ve actually made a little progress utilizing some of your ideas. He’s not convincing yet, but he’s trying, and that’s really all I can ask for until it starts to click for him. IF it ever clicks.

It’s not easy, and sometimes it’s embarrassing to ask for things, but I’m learning to do it anyway. Here’s hoping.

 

[sweepthefloor]

Possibly I should have read this before making my lengthy post - pretty much all of the above.

It is pretty amazing when someone discovers their passions by accident, or by satisfying their lover. That's what happened with my lover, and when it comes to the sadistic part- he is way more into the pain delivery than either of us would imagine. I am so much more sensitive in the winter for some reason, and have to tell him to stop. So much for the, "I could never hurt you or do any of that stuff..."

We are still learning each other and that is the best part.

I agree with your posting too. It just doesn't work out if the one who wants to be submissive is annoyed, or doesn't believe the other can do it. I have been in that position before in the past.

 

[sweepthefloor]

I really appreciate all of your perspectives. I definitely feel like I came to the right place to talk about this. You guys know your shit.

Some of you have made some unfair assumptions about me, which I expected, but I don’t feel like I owe it to anyone to clear those things up publicly. Also, thanks to everyone who PMed me with their thoughts.

I’ve actually made a little progress utilizing some of your ideas. He’s not convincing yet, but he’s trying, and that’s really all I can ask for until it starts to click for him. IF it ever clicks.

It’s not easy, and sometimes it’s embarrassing to ask for things, but I’m learning to do it anyway. Here’s hoping.

Don't give up! Try and do your part and wait for him to learn his part. Continue to stroke his ego and give him the power.

It takes time to undo the mentality of, is this wrong? will i hurt her? what if she doesn't like it?

Just encourage and believe in him.

Let him know you like it.

 

[KimGordon67]

It is pretty amazing when someone discovers their passions by accident, or by satisfying their lover. That's what happened with my lover, and when it comes to the sadistic part- he is way more into the pain delivery than either of us would imagine. I am so much more sensitive in the winter for some reason, and have to tell him to stop. So much for the, "I could never hurt you or do any of that stuff..."

We are still learning each other and that is the best part.

I agree with your posting too. It just doesn't work out if the one who wants to be submissive is annoyed, or doesn't believe the other can do it. I have been in that position before in the past.

I love this. My relationship with my ex-BF ended long before we got to the end of the learning about each other - sometimes we'd do something that was really great, and then forget about it until months (or even years) later. We broke SO MANY 'hard limits'.

 

[cookiecat]

I really appreciate all of your perspectives. I definitely feel like I came to the right place to talk about this. You guys know your shit.

Some of you have made some unfair assumptions about me, which I expected, but I don’t feel like I owe it to anyone to clear those things up publicly. Also, thanks to everyone who PMed me with their thoughts.

I’ve actually made a little progress utilizing some of your ideas. He’s not convincing yet, but he’s trying, and that’s really all I can ask for until it starts to click for him. IF it ever clicks.

It’s not easy, and sometimes it’s embarrassing to ask for things, but I’m learning to do it anyway. Here’s hoping.

Good for you guys!

There is some great advice in here, lots of different voices. I've had my perspective opened up to new possibilities many times over the past couple years because of opinions here.

Here's hoping you have fun on the journey.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I really appreciate all of your perspectives. I definitely feel like I came to the right place to talk about this. You guys know your shit.

Some of you have made some unfair assumptions about me, which I expected, but I don’t feel like I owe it to anyone to clear those things up publicly. Also, thanks to everyone who PMed me with their thoughts.

I’ve actually made a little progress utilizing some of your ideas. He’s not convincing yet, but he’s trying, and that’s really all I can ask for until it starts to click for him. IF it ever clicks.

It’s not easy, and sometimes it’s embarrassing to ask for things, but I’m learning to do it anyway. Here’s hoping.

I'm really glad you did come back to update! Good luck and most of all, be happy

 

[Blackandstrong]

I'm really glad you did come back to update! Good luck and most of all, be happy

That is indeed the most important thing.

 

[DADDYLOVER3]

I really appreciate all of your perspectives. I definitely feel like I came to the right place to talk about this. You guys know your shit.

Some of you have made some unfair assumptions about me, which I expected, but I don’t feel like I owe it to anyone to clear those things up publicly. Also, thanks to everyone who PMed me with their thoughts.

I’ve actually made a little progress utilizing some of your ideas. He’s not convincing yet, but he’s trying, and that’s really all I can ask for until it starts to click for him. IF it ever clicks.

It’s not easy, and sometimes it’s embarrassing to ask for things, but I’m learning to do it anyway. Here’s hoping.

the best way for your husband to learn is have a person with plenty of experiences so he can learn from, now I have plenty of experiences I have over 35 years as a dom, you may not want me since I am a strainer to you both! I would have to ask you a few questions for you and husband! do you have FaceTime, or would you rather if we text each other or would you be alright to chat on the phone?

 

[Blackandstrong]

I have 75 trillion years of experience as a Dom, and I wouldn’t recommend Emma B (wasn’t she a Spice Girl?) goes near accepting offers similar to the one above, from anybody...

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Preeetttyyyyy sure he is a troll, could be wrong though. Agreed with the above, just in case. Definite red flag: anyone who basically says "do you want to call me to take charge of your life or face time me for it?" yeah... no.

 

[Say_Oy]

How can I turn my hubby into a Dom? I’ve tried telling him I need it but he doesn’t get the urgency. He is whiny and aloof and vanilla.

Do you have to just be born dominant? Is it hopeless?

Coming in a little late, I am going to contradict some experts. It depends on what you mean by turn into a Dom and what you see as not Dominant in him.

If he is simply refusing to spank and tie you up and punish you and that is what you want then you may have a hope. You need to talk to him and differentiate between abuse and dominance - and explain that you want to have him top you. Notice I say Top. Topping is temporary role play, though he could actually learn to enjoy being a Dom full time or for extended periods. The problem he may be having is that since the 70's society has been teaching us about women's equal+ rights and the recent "Me too" movement is making it so men can't make passes at women. If he is trying to be politically and socially correct he is being emasculated and needs to overcome these things to be a Dom or Top. If he has the personality and can enjoy it then he just needs to understand that in private with you the current social are not desired.

On the other hand some guys are just plain submissive. In that case, no hope. But if you are attracted to dominant men why did you choose your husband?
But if that is the case, you can tell him you need a man to take control once in a while and if he can't do it you will find someone who will. He can accept it, embrace and enjoy the side benefits (you more sexually satisfied and maybe even horny) and maybe even actually get turned on. Or he can step up to the plate.

The main thing, regardless of whether he become more dominant, or agrees to let you play with others, is that you communicate with hime. Talk about sexuality, social "norms and mores" and how there can be exceptions to it. And look at it, for now, as role play to add excitement to your sex life.

You might also lead him into the kink life NOT by insisting he hang you upside down and beat you on day 1, but by doing role play - dress up as a stewardess and role play that he is the hijacker... or he carjacks you... or he just caught you stealing from his mom and pop shop.... and the vampires are out tonight, young lady... And look, you just hired a French Maid... and she is so naughty.

My point, don't put it all on him. I have a sub, but today I made her pick a movie for us to watch. I gave her a list and she had to choose. Frankly, I did not care and wanted her to like it too. I make her work and particularly I use he (pretty smart) mind. Subs don't often get to turn off their brains.

 

[DADDYLOVER3]

Coming in a little late, I am going to contradict some experts. It depends on what you mean by turn into a Dom and what you see as not Dominant in him.

If he is simply refusing to spank and tie you up and punish you and that is what you want then you may have a hope. You need to talk to him and differentiate between abuse and dominance - and explain that you want to have him top you. Notice I say Top. Topping is temporary role play, though he could actually learn to enjoy being a Dom full time or for extended periods. The problem he may be having is that since the 70's society has been teaching us about women's equal+ rights and the recent "Me too" movement is making it so men can't make passes at women. If he is trying to be politically and socially correct he is being emasculated and needs to overcome these things to be a Dom or Top. If he has the personality and can enjoy it then he just needs to understand that in private with you the current social are not desired.

On the other hand some guys are just plain submissive. In that case, no hope. But if you are attracted to dominant men why did you choose your husband?
But if that is the case, you can tell him you need a man to take control once in a while and if he can't do it you will find someone who will. He can accept it, embrace and enjoy the side benefits (you more sexually satisfied and maybe even horny) and maybe even actually get turned on. Or he can step up to the plate.

The main thing, regardless of whether he become more dominant, or agrees to let you play with others, is that you communicate with hime. Talk about sexuality, social "norms and mores" and how there can be exceptions to it. And look at it, for now, as role play to add excitement to your sex life.

You might also lead him into the kink life NOT by insisting he hang you upside down and beat you on day 1, but by doing role play - dress up as a stewardess and role play that he is the hijacker... or he carjacks you... or he just caught you stealing from his mom and pop shop.... and the vampires are out tonight, young lady... And look, you just hired a French Maid... and she is so naughty.

My point, don't put it all on him. I have a sub, but today I made her pick a movie for us to watch. I gave her a list and she had to choose. Frankly, I did not care and wanted her to like it too. I make her work and particularly I use he (pretty smart) mind. Subs don't often get to turn off their brains.

all you need to do is get a dom/like me to teach you husband and you need to have all the necessary equipment you can get to be used on you and in every room of the house! any questions?

 

[Specula]

I really appreciate all of your perspectives. I definitely feel like I came to the right place to talk about this. You guys know your shit.

Some of you have made some unfair assumptions about me, which I expected, but I don’t feel like I owe it to anyone to clear those things up publicly. Also, thanks to everyone who PMed me with their thoughts.

I’ve actually made a little progress utilizing some of your ideas. He’s not convincing yet, but he’s trying, and that’s really all I can ask for until it starts to click for him. IF it ever clicks.

It’s not easy, and sometimes it’s embarrassing to ask for things, but I’m learning to do it anyway. Here’s hoping.

Hope springs eternal...sadly, realism is less optimistic. BUT! - people can always play-act!