Turning painfully shy ...

[daringdarling]

... when attracted to a guy.

This is a question I have been wrestling for over a decade now, since my early teens, so I could really use some advice and help there I think. Thanks for reading along.

Whenever I meet someone I am attracted to I turn painfully shy. To the point of not being able to look at them, talk to them, fleeing their presence. This may be cute behaviour from a girl in 6th grade but unfortunately doesn't seem to have improved over the past 10 years much.

I grew up very sheltered, an only child. Used to be reserved even in general social situations. This has improved lots due to the training I recieved for my future profession that requires an extroverted role. So walking up to people, asking questions, giving instructions and such don't paralyze me anymore. I can tell a bully to back off of my friend and speak up mind to any guy I know when it is necessary - at least as long as I don't feel attracted to them.

Once that kind of interest is there, it just leaves me completely paralyzed and on the run.

I really would like to get rid of this habit, to be able to flirt and tease and feel at ease ... or well, just to smile, hold eye contact and have small talk with someone I find attractive would be a nice start too.

Is there a cure?

 

[horsie_gurl]

Well I was like that in the beginning too, not as much so though. Really I changed only when the guy i was attracted to was someone i was already friends with. I think you should try to change your mind set to think of them as someone you want to be friends with and not really flirt at the beginning but just try to talk to them and know more and get a closer relationship. then maybe you will feel more at ease with the person if you think of them as a friend you already know rather than a strager that might judge.

I dont know if this will help you, but I just want to help.

 

[helix27]

can you easy flirt around for fun with a guy that is say a friend but one your not attracted too?

 

[artsmom]

You sound like my husband. He is still like that now, although not as bad as he used to be. He and I met online nine years ago. Have you thought of meeting guys that way? If we had not met that way, we would probably never have made it. He would have been way too shy to pursue a relationship. However with the non threatening environment of the computer and later the telephone, we were able to trust one another a lot before we ever met face to face.

 

[The Gimp]

I have always been painfully shy and will probably be till the day that I die. To combat that on occasion (a time or two per year) I'll make a bold pass at a pretty girl just to prove that I'm capable of doing it.
Two years ago it was at this party where after buying her a couple of drinks I asked her to kiss me and she responded with
"Absolutely Not, You're Gross....."
When I told her that she was nothing but cheap entertainment she vanished and I never saw her again.
Last year I was at another party buying drinks for another nameless her, and I grabbed a handful of her tit in the middle of a conversation. Later in the night she unexpectedly grabbed at my crotch. When the bartender announced final call I was fairly certain that she would come back to my hotel room with me. Instead she said that she had to use the bathroom and never came back.

In both of the above scenarios I came out on the losing end but I had a hell of a lot of fun getting there. I know that you're shy but so am I. One of these days just say to hell with playing nice and flirt with some random guy for a while. When the time comes leave knowing that you'll never have to see him again. You will both end up bragging about the experience.

 

[rydia57]

I used to be like that.... grew up like that too. I'm not as shy as I used to be, but around guys I like... I turn plaid. Self esteem does help tho. I can talk to them. Conveying feelings, only my computer knows for sure.

 

[daringdarling]

can you easy flirt around for fun with a guy that is say a friend but one your not attracted too?

Absolutely and I do enjoy it in the mild, playful way. Both sides know it is just playful banter for fun and there is absolutely no romantic/sexual interest behind it. The problem only seems to present once I start to "like" someone. And having been friends before doesn't make much of a difference in my experience there either.

You sound like my husband. He is still like that now, although not as bad as he used to be. He and I met online nine years ago. Have you thought of meeting guys that way?

I have tried it with mixed results. I am still trying. Making knew friends and getting to know people never hurts and you never know what may come of it. The thing is I have clicked with a small number of men online so far, the kind of click that was worth pursuing I think. But long distance is a major killer. I can't help feeling like how much nicer and more realistic it would be to connect with someone face to face.

End of rant, thanks for listening.

 

[M's girl]

I used to be somewhat shy in a lot of areas. I have found that you have to decide not to be shy anymore. The first few times you go through hell ( ) because it's scary but it also helps you to get comfortable in those situations, when you find out nothing really bad happens if you change your attitude somewhat. It's all about confidence. After all, what could be so bad about letting someone know you really like them? Most people appreciate that, even if the feeling is not entirely mutual. It's also a fear of rejection that's holding you back I assume but consider the pro's and con's of keeping to yourself.... If you never show your feelings a lot of good opportunities will go by and then you have to wonder forever....

 

[FurryFury]

I am very shy but no one ever knows it. That's because a long time ago I was so lonely and so miserable I decided to change my life. I forced myself to be more outgoing over and over again. In other words, I faked it until I made it. I'm still very shy deep down but I'm usefully functional in social situations.

 

[DrFeelgood]

... when attracted to a guy.

This is a question I have been wrestling for over a decade now, since my early teens, so I could really use some advice and help there I think. Thanks for reading along.

Whenever I meet someone I am attracted to I turn painfully shy. To the point of not being able to look at them, talk to them, fleeing their presence. This may be cute behaviour from a girl in 6th grade but unfortunately doesn't seem to have improved over the past 10 years much.

I grew up very sheltered, an only child. Used to be reserved even in general social situations. This has improved lots due to the training I recieved for my future profession that requires an extroverted role. So walking up to people, asking questions, giving instructions and such don't paralyze me anymore. I can tell a bully to back off of my friend and speak up mind to any guy I know when it is necessary - at least as long as I don't feel attracted to them.

Once that kind of interest is there, it just leaves me completely paralyzed and on the run.

I really would like to get rid of this habit, to be able to flirt and tease and feel at ease ... or well, just to smile, hold eye contact and have small talk with someone I find attractive would be a nice start too.

Is there a cure?

I am there with you babe. But shy is cute, I think some times. Body language is just as important as the words that come out of your mouth!!!

 

[Cathleen]

Welcome to Lit. daringdarling

I was very shy growing up, to the point that a lot of people thought my parents had 4 kids instead of 5. Yep, I was #5. I woked at a drug store soda fountain and was scared to death but I had to interact at least a little. Somewhere around 25 I started to talk more -- and more. (I was making up for lost time.)

I wouldn't suggest or advocate The Gimps actions but the message he and others have shared I think is true, you have to push beyond it. Try just for say 10 minutes to not take off when around the man. Ask a question about him and listen -- it will take effort and concentration to listen and that can displace your discomfort. As you learn more about him and share more about yourself your shyness will lessen.

 

[Archer69]

... when attracted to a guy.

I really would like to get rid of this habit, to be able to flirt and tease and feel at ease ... or well, just to smile, hold eye contact and have small talk with someone I find attractive would be a nice start too.

Is there a cure?

I feel your pain. First post for a lurker here. Some people find that shy/reserved people are beautiful. I find loud, agressive, outgoing people to be obnoxious and clueless about other peoples feelings.

I too have an innate shyness about me. I can't seem to shake it and I am an older man. Beer seems to lubricate social situations but mostly I avoid social situations since it wears me out. I am more at home with books, music, movies and internet. I am an introvert and I understand that and I am not ashamed of that fact. I don't think that it can be changed (for me).

Have you ever taken the Meyers Briggs Personality test? It was an eye-opener for me. My company even gave us a three day training class to help managers understand our different personality types and our strengths and weaknesses. Here is a link to a free test. Others exist out there, some of them are pay sites though.

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

 

[daringdarling]

Life has been chaotic lately but I wanted to take a moment to thank you for your input on the matter and for the nice words of welcome. I have been reading along and taking notes diligently.

I have been a long time lurker around these boards so while the scene is not exactly new to me it is still very nice to find helpful people who can relate to my situation.

The big decision making doesn't seem to work for me for long I am afraid. I will try the approach of desensitisation Cathleen suggested. Mostly because that sounds like the least scary and most practical one.

Archer69: Thank you for sharing your experience. I followed the link and completed the test you suggested. The description fits me to a creepy t, present edcutaion, carrier choices and hobbies included. And I also wanted to tell you that I really appreciated the way you described shy people as beautiful. I don't think it to be a widely spread opinion. Unfortunately. But it is still encouraging to know that there are people out there looking underneath the quite exterior and appreciating what is inside.