Virginity and Boredom

[DistantLover]

I am still a virgin and believe it or not, I have been with the same guy for four years and some change. Crazier yet, he's a virgin too.

In any case, because of religious and parental wishes we are waiting till we are married for sex...

...however, only penetration. Everything else is a-ok.

In saying that: We have been together for four years and have tried everything within limitation.

Honestly, I'm a little bored.

I've never had an earth shattering orgasm, and let's face it, manual sex gets a little boring after awhile. (Plus, he never really has been that good at oral...but, hey, that gets better with experience, right?)

I need some other ideas of things we could do in order to satiate our needs that doesn't involve penetration.

Thanks.

 

[NippleMuncher]

I hate to break it to you, but fellatio and cunniligus and mutual masturbation ARE forms of sex! The act of penetration does not define sex.

That being said, you have to teach him what you like and don't like. If you don't "know" what that is, you do at least know what feels good and what you'd like more of. He's not going to get any better if you don't tell him what you want, and visa versa.

 

[DistantLover]

I hate to break it to you, but fellatio and cunniligus and mutual masturbation ARE forms of sex! The act of penetration does not define sex.

That being said, you have to teach him what you like and don't like. If you don't "know" what that is, you do at least know what feels good and what you'd like more of. He's not going to get any better if you don't tell him what you want, and visa versa.

I know they are forms of sex. However, everyone defines virginity in different ways, mine happens to be with penetration.

 

[DistantLover]

Thank you though, I know communication is key, though sometimes, it's a little hard to get across exactly what I want.

It isn't really embarassment. It is more or less just not being sure how to say something.

 

[subwannabe]

I hate to break this to you, but, after four years he isn't going to get any better with practice, unless you teach him. In fact, he is basically being trained that what he is currently doing is adequate. When are you getting married?

 

[DrHappy]

Distantlover,

Have you tried letting him use a vibrator on you? Does that count as non-penetration for you? Maybe a non-anatomically shaped one would be okay for your goals? That might be one way to try for a earth shattering orgasm for you. Many women really love the rabbit vibrators, but they tend to be expensive and they tend to have an anatomically shaped head.

How about 69? Using a blindfold? Tying one's hands and/or ankles?

Regarding his performance with oral sex, try finding some online resources for him to read. He CAN improve with practice, but does he have the enthusiasm and will to want to improve? Don't expect it to improve unless he really wants to.

By the way, I applaud you for staying within your personal boundaries (no penetration) if that's important to your values. I think that there can be advantages and disadvantages to this. One pitfall is that there will be sexual incompatibilities that won't be discovered until it's too late. There are a few things that I would recommend discussing with your BF if you continue to follow this route:

• Do you have similar sex drives?
• Do you have similar expectations on how often you would like to have sex once you are married?
• Do you have a similar amount of enthusiasm regarding trying new things in bed?
• Do you have a game plan for resolving any differences? Compromise sounds easy, but it is often the person with the lower libido that "wins" conflicts involving sex. Is this okay with you?

If a person seems inhibited now (before married and before sex), don't expect this person to automatically flip his inhibitions off like a light switch once you are married.

 

[DistantLover]

I hate to break this to you, but, after four years he isn't going to get any better with practice, unless you teach him. In fact, he is basically being trained that what he is currently doing is adequate. When are you getting married?

We are getting engaged sometime this summer and marriage will not be too far off...

we are both very excited as I am sure you can imagine.

 

[DistantLover]

Distantlover,

Have you tried letting him use a vibrator on you? Does that count as non-penetration for you? Maybe a non-anatomically shaped one would be okay for your goals? That might be one way to try for a earth shattering orgasm for you. Many women really love the rabbit vibrators, but they tend to be expensive and they tend to have an anatomically shaped head.

How about 69? Using a blindfold? Tying one's hands and/or ankles?

Regarding his performance with oral sex, try finding some online resources for him to read. He CAN improve with practice, but does he have the enthusiasm and will to want to improve? Don't expect it to improve unless he really wants to.

By the way, I applaud you for staying within your personal boundaries (no penetration) if that's important to your values. I think that there can be advantages and disadvantages to this. One pitfall is that there will be sexual incompatibilities that won't be discovered until it's too late. There are a few things that I would recommend discussing with your BF if you continue to follow this route:

• Do you have similar sex drives?
• Do you have similar expectations on how often you would like to have sex once you are married?
• Do you have a similar amount of enthusiasm regarding trying new things in bed?
• Do you have a game plan for resolving any differences? Compromise sounds easy, but it is often the person with the lower libido that "wins" conflicts involving sex. Is this okay with you?

If a person seems inhibited now (before married and before sex), don't expect this person to automatically flip his inhibitions off like a light switch once you are married.

Thank you very much, this is very helpful.

The vibrator idea was especially good. I've always assumed that was a more private, self-involved thing. I am going to talk to him about the questions you mentioned.

Thank you again.

 

[helix27]

well hurry up and get married so you can enjoy the full effect. hehe just kidding!!! would be a bad idea to get married just so you could have sex.

 

[DrHappy]

Thank you very much, this is very helpful.

The vibrator idea was especially good. I've always assumed that was a more private, self-involved thing. I am going to talk to him about the questions you mentioned.

Thank you again.

You are quite welcome! Vibrators can be a private thing, but they can also be used with someone else. I LOVE playing with a vibrator with my wife. It's not something that we do all the time, but it's always fun. I love watching her and I love using it on her. It can also be used along with oral sex, depending on your model of vibrator. There are lots of creative combinations, but one of our favorites is to slide the vibrator inside while I lick her clit.

By the way, have you watched each other masturbate? That can also be a very personal experience that can be shared. You can also learn some useful information from the other person.

I like your shining example of showing that you definitely don't have to be a complete prude just because you have religious beliefs. One of the wildest women that I know is a Sunday school teacher... though she's only wild with her husband.

 

[helix27]

I like your shining example of showing that you definitely don't have to be a complete prude just because you have religious beliefs. One of the wildest women that I know is a Sunday school teacher... though she's only wild with her husband.

I agree 100 percent!!

 

[DistantLover]

You are quite welcome! Vibrators can be a private thing, but they can also be used with someone else. I LOVE playing with a vibrator with my wife. It's not something that we do all the time, but it's always fun. I love watching her and I love using it on her. It can also be used along with oral sex, depending on your model of vibrator. There are lots of creative combinations, but one of our favorites is to slide the vibrator inside while I lick her clit.

By the way, have you watched each other masturbate? That can also be a very personal experience that can be shared. You can also learn some useful information from the other person.

I like your shining example of showing that you definitely don't have to be a complete prude just because you have religious beliefs. One of the wildest women that I know is a Sunday school teacher... though she's only wild with her husband.

Indeed! I am as far from a prude as they come when it comes to being open sexually with my boyfriend. We may not be having sex, but, as I have told others, there are other ways to have fun.

We have masturbated in front of each other and do on a regular basis. He has told me before that I know my body way better than he does and he likes seeing me enjoy myself.

I think what I might start doing is telling him what I'm doing while I masturbate in detail, so he knows what he is doing wrong when he's giving me a hand job. Do you think that may help things at all?

 

[DrHappy]

I think what I might start doing is telling him what I'm doing while I masturbate in detail, so he knows what he is doing wrong when he's giving me a hand job. Do you think that may help things at all?

I think that's a great idea. Even if he had been with multiple women before you, all women are different and he'd still need some instruction and practice with what works best for you. Some women need direct stimulation, while others are too sensitive and need indirect stimulation.

An interesting little game that I play with my wife sometimes is to take turns. You stimulate yourself for a while, then he stimulates you by copying what you are doing, and then go back and forth. You can play this game with him as well.

 

[yogiforlife]

re

Well on the positive side, you already know what a sexless marriage will be like.

I tend to agree with some of the other posters, you are not a virgin no matter how you view it in your mind. I always like seeing people make decisions based on some powerful voice from above that will supposedly spank them if they do wrong. I fail to see how God will look at you differently from performing oral on each other or from penetrating.

 

[DistantLover]

Well on the positive side, you already know what a sexless marriage will be like.

I tend to agree with some of the other posters, you are not a virgin no matter how you view it in your mind. I always like seeing people make decisions based on some powerful voice from above that will supposedly spank them if they do wrong. I fail to see how God will look at you differently from performing oral on each other or from penetrating.

You may have your opinion and obviously, I don't agree. This, however, is not a religious discussion.

Thanks anyway.

 

[DrHappy]

I always like seeing people make decisions based on some powerful voice from above that will supposedly spank them if they do wrong. I fail to see how God will look at you differently from performing oral on each other or from penetrating.

At least she's tolerant and respective of other people's beliefs and doesn't belittle them.

 

[DistantLover]

I think that's a great idea. Even if he had been with multiple women before you, all women are different and he'd still need some instruction and practice with what works best for you. Some women need direct stimulation, while others are too sensitive and need indirect stimulation.

An interesting little game that I play with my wife sometimes is to take turns. You stimulate yourself for a while, then he stimulates you by copying what you are doing, and then go back and forth. You can play this game with him as well.

Actually, he has never been with anyone else either. I think that is why it is hard for us to...know what we are doing, for lack of a better phrase. Learning has been a very, very nice process

The game is a great idea. I think he will definitely be into that idea.

 

[Mazuri]

If you have the time and privacy, play a game..any one will do (maybe you get to do something sexy every time you draw a Queen while playing poker), but you can also use blank business cards (like you get in the computer section) and make cards with sexual (and sensual) things within your limits. One card might read "kiss your partner's breast" while another might have "masturbate for 30 seconds" or even "give partner a 1 minute back rub". Use the cards and some dice and make up the rules. Maybe odd numbers means the one who rolled obeys the card, even numbers means the other one does, and double sixes mean you both take turns or something equally silly. Make it fun; laugh a lot...creating the cards means you stay within the boundaries that make you comfortable (and keeps your mind on something sexy!) but could also push a few that you want to explore (like a card that says "use a sex toy on your partner").

Good luck!

 

[yogiforlife]

re

At least she's tolerant and respective of other people's beliefs and doesn't belittle them.

It wasn't my intent to belittle her beliefs. Just pointing out the short comings of her views of sex. One could make an arguement that sex with a condom is not really sex because there's no skin on skin contact or theres no exchange of bodily fluids or even fertilization. I may not believe in waiting til marriage myself but I do respect those who decide to do that. Just pick one way or the other, don't cut corners and pretend to be on one side of the fence or the other when you're really not.

 

[DistantLover]

It wasn't my intent to belittle her beliefs. Just pointing out the short comings of her views of sex. One could make an arguement that sex with a condom is not really sex because there's no skin on skin contact or theres no exchange of bodily fluids or even fertilization. I may not believe in waiting til marriage myself but I do respect those who decide to do that. Just pick one way or the other, don't cut corners and pretend to be on one side of the fence or the other when you're really not.

Honestly, when I signed up for this site and began posting on the forums, I thought I would be in a community of people who were open and understanding of other people's decisions. Mine may not be what you consider "normal" but they are MY decisions and deserve to be respected.

Other's who have posted on this board have been very helpful. If you don't have anything else to say other than "You're cutting corners" than I would prefer you take your advice somewhere else.

 

[DistantLover]

If you have the time and privacy, play a game..any one will do (maybe you get to do something sexy every time you draw a Queen while playing poker), but you can also use blank business cards (like you get in the computer section) and make cards with sexual (and sensual) things within your limits. One card might read "kiss your partner's breast" while another might have "masturbate for 30 seconds" or even "give partner a 1 minute back rub". Use the cards and some dice and make up the rules. Maybe odd numbers means the one who rolled obeys the card, even numbers means the other one does, and double sixes mean you both take turns or something equally silly. Make it fun; laugh a lot...creating the cards means you stay within the boundaries that make you comfortable (and keeps your mind on something sexy!) but could also push a few that you want to explore (like a card that says "use a sex toy on your partner").

Good luck!

Very helpful. Games are good ideas, it allows for a good laugh if for some reason one of us makes a mistake or doesn't do something quite right.

Thank you!

 

[yogiforlife]

re

Actually, he has never been with anyone else either. I think that is why it is hard for us to...know what we are doing, for lack of a better phrase. Learning has been a very, very nice process

The game is a great idea. I think he will definitely be into that idea.

Ok, I'll try and stay on topic. Are you concerned that your lack of experience may carry over to when you actually do have sex and result in you guys having similiar problems then that you have now like boredom?

 

[yogiforlife]

re

Actually I thought of something else. If you like the game idea, how about something like being intimate in a public or semi public place, maybe some skinny dipping or something. You could always try bondage, taking turns tying each other up or taking turns being dominated by each other. There's really no end to the number of things you can do to spice it up.

 

[Mr_G]

Parental wishes? Your parents have say in your sex life?

 

[DistantLover]

Ok, I'll try and stay on topic. Are you concerned that your lack of experience may carry over to when you actually do have sex and result in you guys having similiar problems then that you have now like boredom?

That's definitely some of it. Lack of experience does scare me a little. I mean, everyone has to learn somewhere, I suppose.

The public idea is GREAT for me, but he is pretty private, so I'm not sure how that would blow over. He gets...nervous, which is half the excitement for me, being nervous that someone will catch you.

Thank for staying on topic even though you disagree with me. Your thoughts are helpful. If you think of anything else, please let me know.