Wanting more than you can handle?

[SephStarr]

Yes, it's yet another question from me. I suspect you're all bored by now! I do apologise. Learning curve, and all that. I'm new to all this. Thus far I've done four scenes with three different tops, and I'm finding it fascinating exploring my own sexuality and the differences between one top and another.

I don't seem to be as hardcore as I'd like to be. I worry that I'm boring the people who top me-all three of them people who play hard, both in relationships and casually (we're all polyamorous). I want to be able to take more, but after a while it stops being fun and it's just, well, painful. In a not-good way.

I sincerely wish that I could take an awful lot more than I can, and it upsets me that I can't. I took straight to all forms of bondage, straight to the psychological aspects of BDSM sex-but the actual business of S&M seems to be proving a bit more of an issue. I can only go so far. I've been caned and whipped and paddled and spanked and covered in wax and I love it, but the point at which I think 'ow, stop now' is far lower than I'd like.

So how do I deal with this discrepancy between what I *want* to do and what I *can* do? Am I likely to find that my pain threshold and ability to enjoy more intense pain will rise over time? Am I just being impatient?

 

[neonflux]

Hi SephStarr - we haven't met, am back after a several month hiatus, but I've been reading your posts and enjoying them. Rather than say you're wrong for having limits, I would suggest that you are just learning more about who you are - probably the most amazing things about BDSM exploration, in my book. We all have limits, Dom/mes, subs, switches - one of the primary reasons for safe words.

I was recently at a queer play party and there was a group of 4 people, all switch, playing with one another - they were taking turns, 3 topping one (they had a lot of humor and were really fun to watch). At a certain point, it became obvious to one of the women I was with that the current bottom had reached his limits but wasn't saying anything - she went up to him (she is pretty well-known in the community and is the type of person who can easily carry off something like that) and gently reminded him that he had a safe word. He used it immediately. Using it was not only a sign of self-respect but, I think, I sign of respect to the people who were topping him.

I am switch - when I Top, I always want to push my bottom's limits, but I never want to push them beyond what they can endure. An experienced Dom/me can certainly tell when someone may have reached the end of what they can endure by their body language - I am not yet so experienced, so am always checking in with someone I've not played with before - and I appreciate it when they use their safeword. In fact, I actually love the fact that I've been able to take them that far - I am a sadist, after all...

As both a Top and bottom, I am a little the opposite of you - I greatly enjoy pain - am a true sadist and in the beginning had to remind myself to go slowly with a bottom; as a bottom I adore flogging and have recently taken to telling new Tops that I have never been known to call yellow when being flogged, so they should just quit when they're tired. If EG is reading this, I suspect you are one of the few people who could actually make me eat my words, LOL.

However, while I like exercising control and being obeyed, and I can be "obedient when bottoming (being subby is not as much in my character, but I do it), and while I greatly enjoy some forms of fantasy play, I've learned over the past year that I don't get into humiliation/degradation (except for the mischevious type where I know that a sub would really like to do something that they also find deeply embarrasing). It's just not a part of my make-up and I am not the most suitable play partner for someone to whom that aspect of BDSM is important.

I respect you for knowing your current limits - BDSM is certainly about expanding and pushing them. Who knows where you'll end up? In the meantime, play is called that because that is what it's supposed to be. When it really stops being fun, why do it?

Just my 2¢
Neon

 

[BiBunny]

I think it's quite common to have a disconnect between what you'd like to be able to do and what you actually can do. When I bottom, I consider myself quite the masochist. However, my ability to take pain depends on several factors, like my degree of sensitivity that particular day, the type of pain I'm getting, and the amount of warm-up I receive.

I find myself telling B. I'd like to do X thing for however long, and then when we actually do it, I find that I don't have the endurance I'd like to have. He stops when I ask and tells me to stop apologizing. I'm the same way when I top as well. I don't ever begrudge anyone their limits, even if I'd sometimes like to play harder than the other person can stand. Besides, given enough time and attention, a person's pain threshold can be increased.

 

[Chicklet]

One of my personal disapointments in myself is my poor circulation and inflexibility. There are lots of things I'd like to do bondage wise that my body simply can't take. If my elbows get bound at all, no matter how tight, my fingers tingle too much. It disapoints me, but as far as I know it's never disapointed my PYL of whatever moment when I tell him what my body's reacting to.

The other day my new crush strung me up to the ceiling by the wrists after keeping me hogtied most of the afternoon, and my wrists were simply too sore to keep any pressure on them. It was so hard to ask to be let down... I wanted to stay up there so much! Had my hands re-tied multiple times, and it kept hurting. So finally we had to give up, and while *I* was extremely disapointed, I sincerely think he didn't mind. I mean, safety first, right? And then afterwards the fun

Don't be afraid to let your limits be known. They're important. It sucks to not be able to go as far as you fantasize, but sometimes fantasy and reality just don't match up as well as we like. On the plus side, you're able to take anything at all! So many people can't! Think of all the people that just lay in bed masturbating thinking about bondage who will never get to try it. You're better off than them, in my humble opinion.

 

[SephStarr]

Thank you very much for your thoughts, everyone

I think I'm getting insecure because a) all three of the people who have topped me are known for being really quite hardcore and b) two of them are currently in a relationship with another friend of ours, a sub, who's known for being able to take *anything*.

So I worry that my tops want to go further than I can and are getting frustrated that I won't, and vaguely jealous of this other girl who can quite seriously take anything.

And said other sub has expressed an interest in having a threesome with me and one of the tops, and I'd love to but I'm worried that she'll get bored because we won't be able to go as far as she always does...

[sigh] Oh dear! I appear to be being Crap. [grin]

 

[Chicklet]

keep reminding yourself that everybody's different, and that other people *know* that everybody's different. They're not going to expect you to be an exact clone of the other sub - they already have that sub. they want you for your own self, and not because of the way they treat another person.

 

[SephStarr]

They're not going to expect you to be an exact clone of the other sub - they already have that sub. they want you for your own self, and not because of the way they treat another person.

Thank you so much for saying this-I hadn't thought of it like that before, and you're absolutely right. I suppose I just need to stop being so insecure and remind myself that these people are sleeping with me because they fancy me! [grin]

 

[CutieMouse]

Honey, it isn't a competition.

Everyone brings something unique to the "table" as it were, and you must be bringing something lovely to the experience, or else the people playing with you wouldn't put forth the effort. Make sense?

 

[SephStarr]

Honey, it isn't a competition.

[smile] You're absolutely right, of course. I suspect, as I said, that I'm just being paranoid and insecure!

Everyone brings something unique to the "table" as it were, and you must be bringing something lovely to the experience, or else the people playing with you wouldn't put forth the effort. Make sense?

Yep, that makes sense. I know that P (my first ever top) really, really likes introducing people to BDSM, and I know that he gets a lot out of watching a new sub's likes and tolerance develop.

And A and L, as you said, must be getting something out of it, and they both seem to be enjoying themselves. And I think I'm just wibbling! [grin]

I still hope my tolerance *does* develop over time, though.

 

[myinnerslut]

i know that i *want* more then i can get sometimes .... im more of a masochist then A is a sadist, but somehow we've made it work. in this case i have to respect his limits as much as he respects mine... not exactly what you were asking i guess, but its my 2cents on the topic of what i want and what i can get

 

[Chicklet]

[smile] You're absolutely right, of course. I suspect, as I said, that I'm just being paranoid and insecure!

I think most of what this forum is for the regulars is a place to come and be paranoid so we don't take it into the bedroom

 

[ammre]

also, there's part on them to make sure they're warming you up, and spreading out the pain. I mean smack me all around for hours and i'm ok, hit me squarely in the same spot 4 times in a row, and i'm whimpering like a little baby. And I hang from hooks for god's sake... there's a way to cause pain that is sustainable, and there's a way to cause pain that will make someone cry. It's up to them if they're looking to really hurt you or tickle both people's fancy.

I know one of my personal fantasies involvs a single tail and enough force to draw blood, but i know one, maybe two lashes later and i'll be whining...
That's why it's probably best if it stay a fantasy.

 

[wenchhh]

Great thread, and you experienced gals are SO good at giving us newbies good advice, thanks for that. It occured to me that maybe, this low threshold for pain that you're worried about, would be much greater if there was a mind fuck involved. Um, that wasn't put very eloquently.
I'm speaking from my own scant experience. During my last scene, I mentally chose to give it all up to my Sir. Some things he wanted me to do were HUMILIATING to me. (tho not all that bizarre in the grand scheme of things, so I'm beginning to realize) I did them anyway, and was immensly turned on by pleasing him, and testing my limits to obey. The spankings, floggings, beltings I received were GREAT, and I took quite a bit, more than most first timers he's ever had, he said. I could have taken more. On the other hand, asking to get spanked, and getting it, just outta the blue, without an emotional connection, and a conscious giving up of power, for me, just HURT and didn't last more than 3 smacks, at my insistance.
So, maybe a little emotional involvement will make it all the more arousing to you? I dont' know, just my 2 cents. Maybe you ARE emotionally involved, and I just didn't read that. Anyhow, I bet it'll get better! Hugs!

 

[TooTiredToLive]

Thank you very much for your thoughts, everyone

I think I'm getting insecure because a) all three of the people who have topped me are known for being really quite hardcore and b) two of them are currently in a relationship with another friend of ours, a sub, who's known for being able to take *anything*.

So I worry that my tops want to go further than I can and are getting frustrated that I won't, and vaguely jealous of this other girl who can quite seriously take anything.

And said other sub has expressed an interest in having a threesome with me and one of the tops, and I'd love to but I'm worried that she'll get bored because we won't be able to go as far as she always does...

[sigh] Oh dear! I appear to be being Crap. [grin]

From this sadist's point of view: If I want physical exercise, I'll be more than happy to take on "another friend of ours, a sub, who's known for being able to take *anything.*" If I want emotional pleasure from the experience, I'd be more inclined to take on someone like you - who has known/inferred physical limits - warm you up properly, and see if - and how far - those limits can be extended. But then, a good part of my sadism is mental, and can be better satisfied by the feelings of anticipation and apprehension I can see in a bottom's face (and often, body) as she waits for that next step.

Never feel shame that you have limits to what you can (presently) accept. Instead, feel pride that you know what those limits are, and that you are able and willing to express them, rather than wimp out and let someone go too far, resulting in your freaking out and embarrassing everyone, including yourself.

Know thyself.
To thine own self, be true.

 

[Netzach]

How are you with humiliation/psychodrama?

I'm not one for physical bottoming too hard (moderate) but I impressed other people and myself with the sheer amounts of shit that roll off me, no problem. Humiliation and psycho-play became my main interests as a top and sadist.

 

[SephStarr]

I'm really not sure, and I'm still thinking about that. Some aspects of humiliation turn me on a great deal-in fact, it was having fantasies about being called a slut &c that first alerted me to the fact that I wasn't vanilla-but I don't know how much I could take IRL, as all of the scenes that I've done so far have hardly touched on it.

 

[ecstaticsub]

This is my first comment on this board (though I have been lurking for a bit) but this topic is one I think of often. I'm in my 40's and have been having BDSM-related fantasies it seems since my young teens. I entered into my first D/s relationship (as a sub) two years ago. It is a LDR (I am also married) but we do get together in RL.

The thing is in my mind and my fantasies I can take anything and the more extreme the better. Especially non-physical stuff-humiliation etc. But also physical. I was fortunate to find an expienced Dom who is slowly testing my limits as we go along.

Sorry this is long...my question though is how do we know our limits until they are tested? If it is important to know our limits--how do we know what they are. My Dom asked me two years ago when we first got started to fill out a questionaire of my hard and soft limits but now--at least in my head--there is nothing I would not do that he would ask of me. But that is in my head, I don't know about reality. I am so worried that I will buid up his expectations that I can do something and then find out I can't.

Thanks...

 

[catalina_francisco]

This is my first comment on this board (though I have been lurking for a bit) but this topic is one I think of often. I'm in my 40's and have been having BDSM-related fantasies it seems since my young teens. I entered into my first D/s relationship (as a sub) two years ago. It is a LDR (I am also married) but we do get together in RL.

The thing is in my mind and my fantasies I can take anything and the more extreme the better. Especially non-physical stuff-humiliation etc. But also physical. I was fortunate to find an expienced Dom who is slowly testing my limits as we go along.

Sorry this is long...my question though is how do we know our limits until they are tested? If it is important to know our limits--how do we know what they are. My Dom asked me two years ago when we first got started to fill out a questionaire of my hard and soft limits but now--at least in my head--there is nothing I would not do that he would ask of me. But that is in my head, I don't know about reality. I am so worried that I will buid up his expectations that I can do something and then find out I can't.

Thanks...

Welcome to our forum. It is great you realise there can be difference between what your heart and mind tell you you are willing or want to do, and what you actually can do easily or at all. So many people will not accept that is a reality. One of the most important things is to know yourself first and foremost...and being 40+ can be a great asset in this department. Many of those things which fill our fantasies, we can know if we can realistically do them, if they are something that will require work, or if they may never be possible without some other force applied and even then may not happen. That being said, even if you know yourself well, there can for some be moments which come out to bite you when you never expected it. Some may be from the first moment, some may be with things you have done a million times before with no problem.

One example I can give of this happening with something that was previously OK, is my problem which arose with bondage. Sheesh, I had been doing it from the first experience I had with D/s and SM, and with F it had always been something we both loved and indulged. Then he set about tying me up one night, nothing out of the ordinary, and to say I freaked is an understatement....I was plain hysterical and screaming, crying, sweating, shaking all at once. Poor man wondered what had hit him. What we put it down to was my fathers recent suicide at that time, which just happened to be by hanging with a rope. Doesn't seem logical it would have such an effect on us, especially with something which had never raised the slightest fear or hesitation, but it did and was not overcome in a night....it has actually taken a couple of years and still there are moments when even thinking of being tied or secured in any way can make me hyperventilate to the point of not being able to breath.....other times we can do it and not have any problems. Of course some people suggested it was because I had lost trust in F....balony!! The mind can be a funny, strange and unpredictable thing.

Also, once in a relationship, over time what were once limits can suddenly seem perfectly normal or even highly desireable to do, and work out great. That comes from growing, and is normal to do IMHO. I don't think anyone can realistically remain stuck to their first limits 100% throughout the whole of their life, unless they are rigid in their ways and determined not to grow and explore which to me is a horrible waste. To know those limits when asked as you were requires a lot of thinking, stretching your imagination, and realising that you can only know so much without actually doing it. Having someone you can trust and who is willing to take you on that journey is wonderful. Enjoy each step you take.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/134/376824463_35ca304946_s.jpg Catalina

 

[ecstaticsub]

Catalina--Sorry for the delay responding..I was visiting my mom for Mother's Day..

Thank you for your welcome and your words of experience--they are greatly appreciated.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... as a bottom I adore flogging and have recently taken to telling new Tops that I have never been known to call yellow when being flogged, so they should just quit when they're tired. If EG is reading this, I suspect you are one of the few people who could actually make me eat my words, LOL.

You flatter me greatly! I'd certainly be happy to see if we could find out where your upper limit is of course. Rest assured that I don't tire easily... Saturday night I played almost 2 hours slowly bringing a gal to tears... Yum!

 

[Evil_Geoff]

So how do I deal with this discrepancy between what I *want* to do and what I *can* do? Am I likely to find that my pain threshold and ability to enjoy more intense pain will rise over time? Am I just being impatient?

There are so many variables that go into determining how much stimulation you can take before the pleasure-pain becomes not-good-pain or if it becomes not-good-pain at all, or never becomes pleasure-pain.

What kind of day you've had before playing, what kind of play you are receiving, how much warm up you have, how erotic is your partner being while warming you up and while playing, are they letting you get into sub space or are they keeping you in the here and now, how long have you been doing this and at what level of intensity? ALL these things and more get factored in to the equation.

Pain is something that you can eroticize on your own, you can find the triggers to release the endorphins in your own mind... you can build a tolerance for some kinds of pain that astound the Top working on you. But if they switch toys, rhythym, music, speak a jarring word to you, if someone interrupts the scene from the sidelines, you can lose that head space and suddenly the sensation that was making you fly a moment ago becomes too much and you have to safe out or slow down...

There is a learning curve for the Top with each new partner, as well as for the submissive or bottom. We have to learn how THEIR body reacts, how their thoughts progress, how they process pain because each one of them is unique. And even play partners we've been scening with for a long time change daily, so it's always something new, fresh and exciting (At least for me it is, and I've been doing this realtime since 1998!).

Keep your expectations for yourself realistic. You are new and learning. Trust me, what you find OMG, STOP! intense now could very well be "warm up" level play for you 2 - 3 years from now. Things you swear "I'd NEVER do that!" might become part of your favorite scenes. This is a journey, not a destination...

 

[TooTiredToLive]

Well said, Geoff!

 

[neonflux]

You flatter me greatly! I'd certainly be happy to see if we could find out where your upper limit is of course. Rest assured that I don't tire easily... Saturday night I played almost 2 hours slowly bringing a gal to tears... Yum!

Well, how far are you from New Orleans? I am going to be in that neck of the woods for a week next month, at a required conference on HIV run by some very conservative Federal government folks, and I can guarantee you that I'll be so frustrated and angry within a couple of days that the ONLY thing that will relieve the tension is a good beating

p.s., ditto TooTiredToLive's comment...

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Well, how far are you from New Orleans? I am going to be in that neck of the woods for a week next month, at a required conference on HIV run by some very conservative Federal government folks, and I can guarantee you that I'll be so frustrated and angry within a couple of days that the ONLY thing that will relieve the tension is a good beating

p.s., ditto TooTiredToLive's comment...

NOLA is about a 10 hour drive from Columbia, unfortunately. 677 miles according to Mapquest. *sighs* While It would be loverly to visit, I don't think it's practical at this time.

Now if you get to Atlanta and the CDC _that's_ a very do-able 3.5 hour drive.
Charlotte, NC is even closer at about 1.5 hours....

Of course the NCSF Annual Meeting is in SF again this year, IIRC, and I might... MIGHT be able to get there in September.