What does "sexually compatible" mean?

[pplwatching]

I wonder if many of the people who are unhappy with their sexual relationships mistook attraction for compatibility, figuring as long as they were attracted to each other, it would continue to be exciting, or get better.

If I may plagerize you, I think this like of thinking can be abstracted one step further.

I wonder if many of the people who are unhappy with their relationships mistook sexual attraction for compatibility, figuring as long as they were attracted to each other, the relationship would be great or get better.

 

[SweetErika]

SweetErika,
I think you made an excellent point. Sexual attraction is not the same thing as compatibility and it's easy to make that mistake. My bf and I have compatibility issues... but when I look at him he as as sexy and attractive as he always was. That doesn't change the fact that we are in some ways sexually incompatible and we have to WORK HARD EVERYDAY at making that connection in a way neither one of us have ever had to do before. It's not an easy or painless road. Yes, we are very intimate, loving, and open with each other outside of the bedroom so it is definitely a sexual issue and not a relationship issue. I wouldn't trade him for the world (he's a good man) but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish for a more sexually compatible mate, and I'm sure he feels the same. Whether we decide to get married or not in large part is balancing on this issue. Perhaps for some people sex is a minor issue. For me it is THE issue that means staying or possibly having to walk away heart broken some day.

My 2 cents.

-HueL

I'm really glad you jumped in here...this type of honesty and sharing is pretty rare in general. I've had many of the same thoughts and questions regarding how/if it would work for a lifetime. When it came down to it, the fact that we were truly compatible in so many other ways and shared the desire and ability to work at the sexual part were the distinguishing factors. And with all of the good things and work, eventually we got to a point where we were more compatible than not. Recognizing and exploring the idea that different people can fulfill wants and needshas also helped. In our case, that takes the form of polyamory, though opening the relationship certainly isn't for everyone.

I obviously don't know where your differences lie (I'd be interested to hear out of sheer curiosity and a desire to learn, if you're comfortable sharing a little more), but hope you find ways to have a lifetime of happiness, whether it's by increasing compatibility with your bf, or discovering it with others.

 

[huelust]

Thoughts

Pplwatching,

I think you made some good and practical points. I agree to an extent and those are some of the reasons why I have stayed in my relationship for as long as I have. The fact remains that this can’t be swept under the rug under the guise of practicality. I tried that…didn’t work and it made me angry and exhausted. I’m unwilling and unable to live a practical life that bleeds my spirit dry because something at a very basic level is missing. Have you seen the “happily married but sexually unfulfilled thread?”. That’s not just horny people whining because they are not getting any. There’s real, honest to god, pain and sadness in that thread, because people married the wrong person for all the right reasons. I will not knowingly enter into a marriage and do that to myself or my partner. It seems a cruel way to secure a comfortable life.

SweetErika,
Thank you for your wise words. I will PM you.

-HueL

 

[pplwatching]

Have you seen the “happily married but sexually unfulfilled thread?”. That’s not just horny people whining because they are not getting any. There’s real, honest to god, pain and sadness in that thread, because people married the wrong person for all the right reasons. I will not knowingly enter into a marriage and do that to myself or my partner. It seems a cruel way to secure a comfortable life.

I don't believe that there is such a thing as marrying the wrong person for all the right reasons. If they're the wrong person, it must be for a reason and rarely does it really have anything to do with sex when you get right down to it.

This board can be very deceptive at times. I don't know what the specifics of your relationship are, but I've seen a lot of posts like those you're referring to over time, here and on other boards. It's very difficult to get any real information about the underlying cause of a given situation because people generally don't put themselves under the microscope, just their sexual problems and their SO's behaviour in that context. Consequently, on the surface it looks like sexual problems are the cause of hardship in the relationship when it may very well be more fundamental issues. I haven't seen anyone post that their spouse may not want sex because they embarass, belittle, or degrade her/him in public, but I see it happen every day. I haven't seen anyone post that their spouse may not want sex because they don't like being the brunt of 'the ol' ball and chain" jokes, but I see it happen. The point is that this board is not a great place to figure out what's wrong with the sex life. It often takes a more systemic approach. It doesn't help that every minute someone spends on a board like this is by definition time that they are not making themselves available to their spouse.

Sometimes there are physical issues that make sex uncomfortable or impossible, and those require extra love and caring. Sometimes it's hormonal, and it requires understanding, compassion, and caring. There are also relationships where one persons' selfishness destroys the relationship because they view their sexual needs as more important than their partners' and the relationship itself. There are far more cases where caring and loving people have forgotten that maintaining relationships takes real work, and sex is usually an indicator of the health of other facets of the relationship. Time, energy, and desire are equally as important as sexual attraction when it is time to get between the sheets.

Sex changes over time in a marriage. I'm just pointing out that sexual compatability today won't be the same as sexual compatability after a few years of marriage and kids. Just beware of putting too many eggs in that basket.

 

[Eilan]

This board can be very deceptive at times. I don't know what the specifics of your relationship are, but I've seen a lot of posts like those you're referring to over time, here and on other boards. It's very difficult to get any real information about the underlying cause of a given situation because people generally don't put themselves under the microscope, just their sexual problems and their SO's behaviour in that context. Consequently, on the surface it looks like sexual problems are the cause of hardship in the relationship when it may very well be more fundamental issues. I haven't seen anyone post that their spouse may not want sex because they embarass, belittle, or degrade her/him in public, but I see it happen every day. I haven't seen anyone post that their spouse may not want sex because they don't like being the brunt of 'the ol' ball and chain" jokes, but I see it happen. The point is that this board is not a great place to figure out what's wrong with the sex life. It often takes a more systemic approach. It doesn't help that every minute someone spends on a board like this is by definition time that they are not making themselves available to their spouse.

This is an excellent point! I wonder how we'd see the issue if the spouse were posting as well.

I've read those "happily married, sexually unfulfilled" threads, and I generally take the posts there with a grain of salt because I think they oversimplify the issue. I've posted on those threads on occasion, and my opinion is often pretty unpopular. The people who post in those types of threads are naturally going to portray themselves as the long-suffering victim of a "frigid" lover. And I'm not saying that that isn't the case, but it ignores the fact that the root cause of the sexual issues may have nothing to do with sex.

Those of you who read/contributed to my recent Cafe thread know that the disinterested spouse issue is, um, near and dear to me.

 

[huelust]

The issue

Pplwatching,
I'm very well aware that there are always 2 subjective sides to an issue and then there's the objective truth whatever that may be. You're right. The board will allow people to present only one side BUT that does not invalidate their feelings. Their self-potrayal is reflective of their feelings and really shouldn't be dismissed as nothing more than making one spouse look good and the other look bad. I think it's much more complex than that. Given a real choice, a feasible alternative, I don't think anybody would choose to spend half the night on a message board if they really belived they could be spending time with their loved ones and having sex.

People marry for a lot of different reasons. I think you mentioned shared values. Well, what about the value one places on sexual compatibility? Does that not deserve to be a shared value?

Yes, people change, relationships change. Everything must change as the song goes, but ideally people should grow together. In my opinion, being sexually intimate is part of the bonding ritual that can facilitate that growth in the presence of all the other things that make a relationship worthwhile like respect, friendship, honesty, and compassion. Compassion especially for the many life events that you mentioned like illness that can change the nature of a sexual relationship. There's more than one way to be sexually intimate, but again that requires a certain compatibility to find satisfaction.

All my eggs in one basket, no. Trying to discard the broke eggs before they run over everything and cause a mess I might not be able to unravel - absolutely.

I do appreciate your point of view. I think it brings a lot of balance to the discussion. In th end, each person has to figure out what matters to him and her and be willing to be faithful to that come what may. That's the ultimate honesty, and people shouldn't be viewed as being short-sighted, because they decide to follow that inner vision (this will also change with time and experience).

For the record Elian-
I'm not taking away time from my bf to be here. I'm procrastinating at work like most everybody else! It's much more fun here.

 

[robertjhu]

Oh for the love of you

Sexual satisfaction as lack of communication and respect has been repeatedly documented since the beginning of modern psychology. what has not been discussed as much as should be is the magick of sexual energy that treats the frustrations and dissatisfactions we have with each other and the world at large.

There is nothing like that blow job the minute you get in the door. nothing like come here honey and see if you can still complain about anything after I am done with you. lay yourself out there spread it wide daddy is hungry. Cum five times and see if your communication channels and a lot of other channels don't open up.

my special friend likes me saying it this way

“That was the secret, sex was the life force, the energy of the garden of eden, magnetism, gravity all those things that govern our lives that we cannot see."

We stay so stuck in the hum drum rut of life it is so easy to be a battery for the machine. Not me death is too close life is too large.

 

[pplwatching]

The board will allow people to present only one side BUT that does not invalidate their feelings. Their self-potrayal is reflective of their feelings and really shouldn't be dismissed as nothing more than making one spouse look good and the other look bad..

My point was a bit more nuanced than that. I was pointing out that using those posts as a basis for a stance on critera for marriage would be ignoring the other side of the coin, so to speak. I was not invalidating their feelings or desires.

I think it's much more complex than that. Given a real choice, a feasible alternative, I don't think anybody would choose to spend half the night on a message board if they really belived they could be spending time with their loved ones and having sex.

There is fundamental difference between what you wrote, and what I did. I was talking about relationship building and bonding. You are writing about making ones self available only if sex were in the cards, because that would be preferrable to being online. Making yourself available for your spouse might be taking care of an errand, listening about a rough day, making a pot of tea, or all the way to being available for sex. In my marriage sometimes the former leads to the latter, but usually not.

What about the value one places on sexual compatibility? Does that not deserve to be a shared value?

I am convinced that the concept is a red herring, but you are welcome to try to make me see your point. I believe that you can strive towards a fantastic sex life and you can choose to marry someone who's open to the same kinds of things that you are, but in the end good sex comes from a good relationship -- not the other way around. Just my hard earned opinion.

ideally people should grow together. In my opinion, being sexually intimate is part of the bonding ritual that can facilitate that growth in the presence of all the other things that make a relationship worthwhile like respect, friendship, honesty, and compassion. Compassion especially for the many life events that you mentioned like illness that can change the nature of a sexual relationship. There's more than one way to be sexually intimate, but again that requires a certain compatibility to find satisfaction.

I agree with everything but the last sentence. I just can't get my mind around the concept of sexual satisfaction depending on sexual compatability, but maybe that's because I don't subscribe to the sexual compatability idea. If I can insert tab A in slot B, I'm fundamentally sexually compatable. I can be emotionally satisfied if we both enjoy it, without having my wife share my kinks when we have sex. My wife is open to working on the things that might bring more sexual pleasure into the bedroom. Put it together with the rest of her wonderful traits and I can't ask for much more in a woman. The rest of my marriage is so fulfilling that I'm willing to slowly work on the spice in the bedroom.

In th end, each person has to figure out what matters to him and her and be willing to be faithful to that come what may. That's the ultimate honesty, and people shouldn't be viewed as being short-sighted, because they decide to follow that inner vision (this will also change with time and experience).

I can't tell from your structure and verb tense if you are talking about individuals deciding what's right or couples deciding what's right. Either way, if you remain faithful to the ideal that sexual compatability is a must and the sex evaporates then you have a problem. You have to either abandon the ideal or abandon the marriage.

 

[Eilan]

For the record Elian-
I'm not taking away time from my bf to be here. I'm procrastinating at work like most everybody else! It's much more fun here.

Why is this comment directed at me?

 

[huelust]

?

Ppl,
I'm sorry. I wasn't aware I was at a grammer bee. I'll try to be more mindful of my grammer in the future to avoid confusion.

We can agree to disagree on some things, but please let me clarify:

You wrote:
There is fundamental difference between what you wrote, and what I did. I was talking about relationship building and bonding. You are writing about making ones self available only if sex were in the cards.

No, that was not my point at all. Quality time spent doesn't equal sex. That would just be silly. However, you are seperating sex and relationship building and that's where we are at odds. Sex IS part of relationship building. How can you seperate the two? Even if people are unable to have intercourse for medical reasons, there still can and should be some form of intimate sexual expression/affection. We're adults, not children. Sexual intimacy and desire are part of our nature.

If sexual compatibility is as simple as for you as:
"If I can insert tab A in slot B, I'm fundamentally sexually compatable."
I envy you, sir. Must be nice!

-HueL

 

[pplwatching]

I'm sorry. I wasn't aware I was at a grammer bee. I'll try to be more mindful of my grammer in the future to avoid confusion.

I wasn't picking your grammar, sorry if it came across that way. I just couldn't tell which way the sentence was supposed to lean. I make the same mistakes all the time. Sometimes they obfuscate the meaning, other times they're not worth mentioning.

Quality time spent doesn't equal sex. That would just be silly. However, you are seperating sex and relationship building and that's where we are at odds. Sex IS part of relationship building. How can you seperate the two? Even if people are unable to have intercourse for medical reasons, there still can and should be some form of intimate sexual expression/affection. We're adults, not children. Sexual intimacy and desire are part of our nature.

I was referring to the specific sentence that I quoted regarding just getting away from the computer if sex was available. Re-reading it, I think that the 'and' led me to believe that you meant spending time having sex. My mistake.

Otherwise, I read what you wrote about relationship building, and we are in complete agreement with one major distinction. I believe that the sex comes from, and feeds back into, a good relationship. I don't believe that sexual compatability can be a criteria for choosing a spouse. I don't believe that anyone can say that sexual compatability today has any bearing on sexual compatability later in the marriage.

 

[midwestyankee]

<snip>
I don't believe that anyone can say that sexual compatability today has any bearing on sexual compatability later in the marriage.

Could you please clarify what you mean here? You stated earlier that you don't believe in the concept of sexual compatibility so I'm curious how you can make the statement above.

I raise this point not be be persnickety or combative but rather to suggest that we may not have adequately defined our terms in this discussion.

 

[pplwatching]

I don't believe that anyone can say that sexual compatability today has any bearing on sexual compatability later in the marriage.

Could you please clarify what you mean here? You stated earlier that you don't believe in the concept of sexual compatibility so I'm curious how you can make the statement above.

I think that I know what you're referring to. I was talking about the idea of sexual compatability as a requirement for marriage if we're talking about the same paragraph.

For clarification, sexual compatability to me means sharing the same likes, dislikes, kinks, frequency of sex.

 

[midwestyankee]

Which post are you referring to?

I quoted your post which immediately preceded mine.

 

[pplwatching]

I quoted your post which immediately preceded mine.

That's the bit that you quoted. I was asking which earlier post you were referring to, but then I figured I knew which one you were referring to and thought I could change the question to a statement. Did I get the right one?

 

[midwestyankee]

I don't believe that anyone can say that sexual compatability today has any bearing on sexual compatability later in the marriage.



I think that I know what you're referring to. I was talking about the idea of sexual compatability as a requirement for marriage if we're talking about the same paragraph.

For clarification, sexual compatability to me means sharing the same likes, dislikes, kinks, frequency of sex.

Actually, I was starting from the post a little bit earlier where you said of sexual compatibility, "I am convinced that the concept is a red herring."

If by your statement you mean that it's not impossible to build a satisfactory marriage/long-term relationship with little or no sexual compatibility, then it's hard to disagree with you. However, as a practical matter, it seems to me that trying to build a satisfactory long-term relationship is difficult enough without the added stress of trying to figure out how to accommodate widely divergent sexual tastes and appetites. In my earlier post I described a couple that found themselves in that very place. While the bedroom difficulties did not destroy the relationship, they weakened it to a point where it could not withstand stresses from other directions.

So no, having perfect sexual compatibility is not a requirement for marital or relationship success - but compatibility in the early years can make the long-term success of the relationship much more likely.

 

[pplwatching]

Actually, I was starting from the post a little bit earlier where you said of sexual compatibility, "I am convinced that the concept is a red herring."

Okay. I was responding to the question, What about the value one places on sexual compatibility? Does that not deserve to be a shared value? My point was that looking for a person who shares your values on sexual compatability is something that distracts from the real issues that determine a good spouse.

I'm not saying that if someone you're dating says, "I don't like sex and I never have" that you should ignore it. I just don't think that finding someone who likes sex as much and/or as frequently as you do tells you anything about how often they'll like sex after kids and bills come along.

 

[pplwatching]

In my earlier post I described a couple that found themselves in that very place. While the bedroom difficulties did not destroy the relationship, they weakened it to a point where it could not withstand stresses from other directions.

I don't agree with your interpretation of what happened. Not knowing the couple in question, I have no way to back it up so I didn't say anything about it.

I would conjecture, however, that the marriage was not on a firm footing in the first place and that the signs were there but not obvious to the casual observer. The marriage was weakend by the sexual problems because of factors outside of the bedroom. But, I have no way of backing that up.

 

[midwestyankee]

Okay. I was responding to the question, What about the value one places on sexual compatibility? Does that not deserve to be a shared value? My point was that looking for a person who shares your values on sexual compatability is something that distracts from the real issues that determine a good spouse.

I'm not saying that if someone you're dating says, "I don't like sex and I never have" that you should ignore it. I just don't think that finding someone who likes sex as much and/or as frequently as you do tells you anything about how often they'll like sex after kids and bills come along.

We all change, of course. My point is simply that starting out on mostly common ground gives a relationship a much better place from which to start building. If differences evolve over time, a relationship that has gotten off to a solid start has a better chance of resolving the differences.

 

[midwestyankee]

I don't agree with your interpretation of what happened. Not knowing the couple in question, I have no way to back it up so I didn't say anything about it.

I would conjecture, however, that the marriage was not on a firm footing in the first place and that the signs were there but not obvious to the casual observer. The marriage was weakend by the sexual problems because of factors outside of the bedroom. But, I have no way of backing that up.

Many have said here and elsewhere in Lit that sexual problems tend to be reflective of problems elsewhere in a relationship. I won't dispute this. However, your post seems to suggest that you don't believe that problems can begin in the bedroom. It's as if you're saying that there is no such thing as a sexual problem within a marriage. Sorry, but I just can't buy this. Marital problems can begin anywhere within the relationship and can spread anywhere as well. That many marital problems manifest themselves in the bedroom does not negate the possibility that problems can also begin in the bedroom.

 

[Norajane]

I'm not saying that if someone you're dating says, "I don't like sex and I never have" that you should ignore it. I just don't think that finding someone who likes sex as much and/or as frequently as you do tells you anything about how often they'll like sex after kids and bills come along.

I totally disagree with this. It's true that factors such as kids and bills and stress can alter a person's desire or ability to have sex later in the marriage, but those are external factors and can be altered, mitigated, worked around. But if you start out fundamentally incompatible on how much and how often each partner wants sex to be satisifed, the dissatisfaction will merely grow no matter how compatible a couple may be otherwise. One partner will always be dissatisfied.

 

[pplwatching]

your post seems to suggest that you don't believe that problems can begin in the bedroom. It's as if you're saying that there is no such thing as a sexual problem within a marriage.

I've been posting mostly around the idea of sexual compatability as a criteria for marriage, however things have meandered a bit. I have used the sexual problems in my marriage to illustrate some points, which makes me unclear on how you drew that conclusion.

So, to summarize my position I'm painfully aware from personal experience how things can deteriorate both from physical sexual dysfunction and emotional dysfunction in a marriage. I found that by looking outside of the bedroom I was able to restore intimacy and sexual satisfaction in my marriag. The bedroom bliss slowly came around when we worked on external issues. My success was due in a large part to the love that my wife has for me, her personality, and her desire to see our marriage work.

I don't believe that matters of personal taste or disagreements over sexual acts constitute sexual problems, unless one partner or the other feels their desires are more important than their partners comfort level. I would argue even then that that is a problem with a genesis is outside of the bedroom. I have also argued that someone's willingness to perform a given sexual act is not a good indicator of their suitability for marriage. I believe that matters of frequency and sexual interest should be addressed by both partners, because both have a vested interest in the marriage. I believe that there are cases where sexual intimacy is not a possibility due to catastrophic problems. I haven't said anything about that, but I'm willing to in the right context.

I have learned a few things along the way about the importance of other aspects of the marriage to help deal with those problems and I've tried to convey that those are character traits that can be found in a potential spouse and are more important than instantanious sexual compatability in choosing a spouse.

I guess that's my manifesto.

 

[huelust]

Thanks for sharing

Ppl,
Peace. I was sharing my thoughts and not looking to convert anyone to my way of being. Obviously, you have found what works for you and I congratulate you on your relationship success. You like it, I love it as the saying goes.

Elian,
Sorry, that should have been directed at ppl who made a comment earlier about time spent on the board and away from one's spouse. Now that was a red herring!

Robertjhu,
Thank you for that. It was beautiful. My heart felt feelings exactly. Your friend is very lucky.


-HueL

 

[pplwatching]

Ppl,Peace. I was sharing my thoughts and not looking to convert anyone to my way of being. Obviously, you have found what works for you and I congratulate you on your relationship success. You like it, I love it as the saying goes.

I didn't take offense at anything you said. I just like to throw myself into a discussion when I'm passionate about something, and when I have time, and try to get people to do the same. I tend to repeat myself a lot because I always think that maybe if I rephrase something just the right way I'll make my point clearer and get someone to debate it. It's a bad habit of mine.

I wasn't trying to pick on you. Just imagine being married to me ;-)

 

[Eilan]

Elian,
Sorry, that should have been directed at ppl who made a comment earlier about time spent on the board and away from one's spouse. Now that was a red herring!

Oh, okay. That makes sense. Now I'm not confused.