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What the hell…Chilly’s little spot on lit

A coworker just came and asked me about divorce lawyers….I’m really starting to doubt marriage. Relationships in general. Commitment.

Yesterday in therapy we were talking about being comfortable being alone and wanting a relationship vs needing one.

I would like someone to grow old with, sip coffee on the porch with watching the sunrise, who just rolls his eyes when I bring another stray home to my odd little farm…but I realized for the first time in my life that I’m also ok if it’s just me on the porch watching my odd little farm.
 
Chillygirl said:
A coworker just came and asked me about divorce lawyers….I’m really starting to doubt marriage. Relationships in general. Commitment.

Yesterday in therapy we were talking about being comfortable being alone and wanting a relationship vs needing one.

I would like someone to grow old with, sip coffee on the porch with watching the sunrise, who just rolls his eyes when I bring another stray home to my odd little farm…but I realized for the first time in my life that I’m also ok if it’s just me on the porch watching my odd little farm.
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I hate this thought, but it is because I resemble it a bit. I always thought you get married and look past eachothers flaws. But with all the emotional abuse I go through… i was ok by myself… and I am starting to think I would prefer it now. The abuse is only worth it to protect the kids.
 
JackKingOff said:
I hate this thought, but it is because I resemble it a bit. I always thought you get married and look past eachothers flaws. But with all the emotional abuse I go through… i was ok by myself… and I am starting to think I would prefer it now. The abuse is only worth it to protect the kids.
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I have my hard nights where I crave touch, a voice, where I’m so lonely it physically hurts but overall I’m definitely happier.
 
Chillygirl said:
I have my hard nights where I crave touch, a voice, where I’m so lonely it physically hurts but overall I’m definitely happier.
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It does. I am touch oriented, but living so long with out it already i can get past lonely nights. Friends here help for sure.
 
Chillygirl said:
I’m really starting to doubt marriage. Relationships in general. Commitment.
Click to expand...
Oh I've been thinking this very thought for years. I know so many couples who are now divorced, and I've been close to it myself. It's something I've never truly wanted but felt pressured into (that was my situation anyway.) A lot of legalities that bind you and make it very, very difficult to move on separately if one person wants to move on.
Chillygirl said:
I would like someone to grow old with, sip coffee on the porch with watching the sunrise, who just rolls his eyes when I bring another stray home to my odd little farm…but I realized for the first time in my life that I’m also ok if it’s just me on the porch watching my odd little farm.
Click to expand...
You can have that with a girlfriend or two! Amy and I talk about growing old together on a farm all the time. You can join us. 🥰
 
sallysparrow23 said:
Oh I've been thinking this very thought for years. I know so many couples who are now divorced, and I've been close to it myself. It's something I've never truly wanted but felt pressured into (that was my situation anyway.) A lot of legalities that bind you and make it very, very difficult to move on separately if one person wants to move on.

You can have that with a girlfriend or two! Amy and I talk about growing old together on a farm all the time. You can join us. 🥰
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honestly if my ex hadn’t left I would’ve stayed. We were ready for retirement. There was so much time and money already invested that it seemed pointless to separate.

Starting over wasn’t ideal but I’m getting there.

You and Amy would be entertaining! 😍
 
In therapy this week we started doing brain spotting…that’s quite a mind fuck!

Brainspotting is a psychotherapy technique that uses eye movements to help people process difficult emotions and trauma.

So yay you get to sit in the memory. How fun is that?!

I did it for the first time Wednesday and I think that’s why I was in such a funk yesterday. I was tired and felt like I had the flu and I was so emotional. I still feel a little bit of all that today but it’s much better. I’m curious to see how this all works out.
 
Chillygirl said:
Yesterday in therapy we were talking about being comfortable being alone and wanting a relationship vs needing one.
Click to expand...
I may be a bit of an outlier, would hardly be the first time in my life (you're shocked, I know). But in my experience, you NEED to be comfortable being alone to even have a meaningful relationship with another person. I didn't know who I really was, or what I needed from a partner, until I figured out being myself, by myself.

Now that I know who I am when I'm fulfilled without a partner I have an actual sense of how I might like a partner to enhance and enable that life. What role I want them to fill, and also what role I'm comfortable filling for them.

Because I don't need someone in my life, it enables me to CHOOSE someone day in and day out, and know that it is the right choice for me. Or to recognize that it isn't and be okay with telling her that before things get so run out that it's just the way things are.

Because she won't complete me, I'm a complete fucking idiot all by myself thank you very much, but she would make my life better by being in it I feel much more grounded and certain in my romantic endeavors.
 
Chillygirl said:
In therapy this week we started doing brain spotting…that’s quite a mind fuck!

Brainspotting is a psychotherapy technique that uses eye movements to help people process difficult emotions and trauma.

So yay you get to sit in the memory. How fun is that?!

I did it for the first time Wednesday and I think that’s why I was in such a funk yesterday. I was tired and felt like I had the flu and I was so emotional. I still feel a little bit of all that today but it’s much better. I’m curious to see how this all works out.
Click to expand...
I have completed an intensive course of this. Life changing for me, but also a very intense experience You got this!
 
Xerxes82 said:
I may be a bit of an outlier, would hardly be the first time in my life (you're shocked, I know). But in my experience, you NEED to be comfortable being alone to even have a meaningful relationship with another person. I didn't know who I really was, or what I needed from a partner, until I figured out being myself, by myself.

Now that I know who I am when I'm fulfilled without a partner I have an actual sense of how I might like a partner to enhance and enable that life. What role I want them to fill, and also what role I'm comfortable filling for them.

Because I don't need someone in my life, it enables me to CHOOSE someone day in and day out, and know that it is the right choice for me. Or to recognize that it isn't and be okay with telling her that before things get so run out that it's just the way things are.

Because she won't complete me, I'm a complete fucking idiot all by myself thank you very much, but she would make my life better by being in it I feel much more grounded and certain in my romantic endeavors.
Click to expand...
Exactly what I’m figuring out. I’ve been married/ins relationship my entire adult life. This is my first time truly living in my own. It’s embarrassing when people ask what I like, what are my hobbies because I honestly don’t know. It’s always been about other people…husband, kid, parents. And I’ve learned a lot about myself this past year and I’m learning that I really like myself and I definitely deserve better than I had been accepting.

You are a smart cookie and a sweet man! Thank you for your thoughts ❤️
 
azz_vt said:
I have completed an intensive course of this. Life changing for me, but also a very intense experience You got this!
Click to expand...
Thank you! It’s a little scary but I’m excited to see the results. I can see some healing in my daughter and that’s been a great discovery.
 
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