when is waiting too long, too long?

[Pyro Paul]

okay a little back history.

i had a girlfriend, she was dignosed with a deadly deiease when she was younger. she went through her life knowing she was going to die at the age of 19. Well, a year or so back, i meet her and we kinda fell in love with each other. but she was slowly getting worse.

well, over 7 months ago, an expermental treatment for her desiease was avaliable in new york. and she went and disappeared. and complete and utter silence. 3 months after she left she sent me an E-mail, the told me that she was getting better but they kept her bed resting all day long and that it was driving her insane.

then silence again.

it has been almost 5 months since i have last even heard from her. 7 months since ive seen her face or heard her voice.

When is it too long to wait for some one to come back?

now i am a patient person and i can wait, but resently all the 'romantic' holidays which people should really spend togeather i have been forced to spend alone. it really is starting to get to me and i am starting to feel like i need some one to be with me right now before i completely lose it...

 

[Succulent-one]

There is never a time limit to friendship. Especially when one is battleing a bad health problem. If you have an address, write her. Be chatty and upbeat with your writing. As far as romance, you have to look in to your own heart. If you are feeling that you have waited long enough then it is time to move your friendship to a different level. I have male friends that I love dearly, but I can not be "in love" with them. That you need to difine for yourself. Good luck

 

[NaiveOne]

This is confusing because if you fell in love with each other, then she would be calling you and writing you, despite her illness. She wouldn't disappear.

So unless she is avoiding you to "protect" you, it sounds like maybe she's not in love with you?

I know that is hard to hear.

So I think it is perfectly acceptable to move on.

Or else write/call her again, tell her how you are feeling- be completely open and honest, don't hold anything back. Listen to what she thinks. Then you will know how she feels about you and you won't have any regrets.


Good Luck

 

[SweetErika]

As far as I know, they still have phones, e-mail, faxes, and postal mail in New York. If she was still interested and available, she'd likely be communicating with you, Paul. Relationships require communication, so my thought is it's probably high time you got to healing over this one and moved on with your life.

 

[FastFastr]

When people have a grave illness, they either turn to friends or shut them down. Sounds like she is either too sick to communicate or is pushing you away for her own or your own benefit.

Here's what I would do:

Communicate w a relative of hers to see how she is doing. Ask them to pass on the message that you are asking about her and that you care. You have to put your desires out of this. You'll see by the answer where it is going.

Depending on the availability of your time and money, you can offer to come to NY to see her if she responds well to the first communication.

Remember that she has to focus 110% on getting better and may not have room for you and the emotions of a romance right now.... or she may be too sick to worry, remember or care at this point. Although sad, this may be true.

As far as "moving on," you have to follow your gut feeling. Personally, I would not go out looking for love, but if it found me I wouldn't turn it down.

I hope all goes well. Please keep us posted.

 

[Eilan]

Paul, I think we can both admit that neither of us is a charter member of the other's fan club, but I don't bear you any ill will, and I hope that your GF (or whatever she is) is able to make a full recovery.

I have a question for you, though.

Your history on this board isn't exactly a positive one; in fact, some people might consider you a troll. Why would you come here looking for sincere advice when a lot of your time at Lit has been an exercise in posting semi-accurate and bogus information in response to other Litsters' honest queries? You've made it obvious in many of your previous posts that you enjoy posting inaccurate information (particularly in birth control threads) and trying to stir up shit. And now you're expecting other people to give you a sincere reponse?

BTW--I'm completely aware that my post in this thread is an exercise in scat play.

For those of you who aren't familiar with his posts on HT, I suggest you do a search or check out this thread, starting with Post #46. Here's part of that post:

i manage to be one that get people to not hold there tongue. but acctualy, i quite enjoy stirring up aurgument, it makes it more interesting as well as their mind's work out the problem before them and do their best to shut me up and make me wrong. sometimes i will post partualy incorrect information, and wonder if any one will jump on me for it. . . <emphasis mine>

I applaud those of you who have made a sincere, heartfelt attempt to give him advice. You're better people than I am.

 

[Pyro Paul]

I have a question for you, though.

Nor do i expect any one of you to even like me, i have always gained a life time of spite. it is some what of a reputation i tend to upkeep. for some reason i enjoy conflict, hence why i enjoy violence and warfare. it is who i am. and i dont expect you to care about my problems or my situation.


As for every one else, i do thank you for your advice and insight.


she didnt leave me enough information to be able to write her, and because she is... or was... in the hospital every day i really dont think she has access to a phone. and i know that she really doesnt want to talk to me, because she is weak. that is why she sent an email instead of calling me directly.

i guess, i am trying to hold out for hope but the longer i wait the more it feels like i am waiting for a person that died in a hospital months ago... some one that will never come back.

 

[SweetErika]

Nor do i expect any one of you to even like me, i have always gained a life time of spite. it is some what of a reputation i tend to upkeep. for some reason i enjoy conflict, hence why i enjoy violence and warfare. it is who i am. and i dont expect you to care about my problems or my situation.

I don't think the issue is that you enjoy conflict, it's that you seem to enjoy purposely trying to spread misinformation and create problems for others and yourself. And you're not a victim of life; you have the power to change the way you do things. If something's not working for you, don't just throw your hands up and say, "That's just the way I've always been and am," fix it.

she didnt leave me enough information to be able to write her, and because she is... or was... in the hospital every day i really dont think she has access to a phone. and i know that she really doesnt want to talk to me, because she is weak. that is why she sent an email instead of calling me directly.

i guess, i am trying to hold out for hope but the longer i wait the more it feels like i am waiting for a person that died in a hospital months ago... some one that will never come back.

What disease does she have, Paul? Are you holding out hope for friendship, or romance?

I'm sorry, but it just doesn't sound promising to me. There are too many excuses, and I've yet to hear anything that indicates she might want to talk to you. Even if she didn't have a phone or e-mail access, why not tell her family to contact you, or snail mail a note or postcard? Even very ill, weak, and dying can often make a short call or dictate a note to someone. If the reason is she's concentrating on getting better, holding out hope probably isn't very healthy for you because you could be waiting forever. You may also consider the fact that feelings often change with time and distance.

Perhaps it'd be best to let it go, and assume it's not going to happen. Move on with your life and live for the future. Then, if she did happen to contact you sometime, it'll just be a nice surprise and bonus.

 

[FastFastr]

she didnt leave me enough information to be able to write her, and because she is... or was... in the hospital every day....

If you are that interesting, do a web search for NYC hospitals NYC, Sloan Kettering, Mount Saini are three leaders in the Big Apple. Then call and ask for the patient's room. Assuming her name is not common (Mary Smith etc...) you might find her or her relatives that way.

If she isn't calling either because he is ill or worse... or beause she does not want to contact you then move on.

Your time frame is up to you... two months, six months, a year, etc.... eventually you have to move on. If she comes back and you are available then you are lucky. Worst case she comes back (seems unlikely) and you have a new love interest... leaving you with a shitload of issues. but that seems like it won't be the case.

Sorry!

And if you LIKE war, you are a fuckhead anyhow.

 

[American Woman]

she went through her life knowing she was going to die at the age of 19.

How does someone go through their life and know what age they are going to die? I know doctors can give someone very sick an idea of how many months or years they have, but they narrowed it down to 19?
And sorry about your g/f.

 

[Pyro Paul]

I really have forgotten the name of the illness. she told me once the medical name of it just because i kept asking, but i never found out the common name of it. and the medical name was so complex that i forgot it a month after she told me. all i remember are the symptoms, extream weakness, nasia, loss of colour, loss of energy, and hightened subseptability to secondary desieases.

At first the docters said she wasnt going to live past 25. but as the years went on and the medical devices and decetion thingies grew, as well as her illness, they started giving more exact dates. before 21, around 20, down to not past 19.

And if you LIKE war, you are a fuckhead anyhow.

yeah, i probably am, thank you

The only ones that like war are poltical figure heads, and those that cant go.

No, im not THAT black hearted as in i like the whole killing aspect or the lies as to the reasons we went, but i like the Warfare, the tactics, the technology, the stratagy, even down to the aspect of the shear determination of individuals.

 

[thirty]

It sucks!
I guess she may not want to burden you with her disease. She wants to take it alone.

 

[EJFan]

Nor do i expect any one of you to even like me, i have always gained a life time of spite. it is some what of a reputation i tend to upkeep. for some reason i enjoy conflict, hence why i enjoy violence and warfare. it is who i am. and i dont expect you to care about my problems or my situation.

i tend to believe that feelings like this are held by the drastically misinformed who aren't interested in accepting their ignorance and are too arrogant to feel they need to learn about the real world.

if you know your history here and how you're perceived, why do you seek insight when you're basically saying you neither care, nor do you intend to follow it?

 

[Pyro Paul]

i tend to believe that feelings like this are held by the drastically misinformed who aren't interested in accepting their ignorance and are too arrogant to feel they need to learn about the real world.

if you know your history here and how you're perceived, why do you seek insight when you're basically saying you neither care, nor do you intend to follow it?

No, the statment is saying: I know some of you hate me, i can live with that. and if you want to try and be aggressive to me when i ask a question, be that as it may, i will not care. you are entitled to your oppinion and favor of me. and so be it if it shall be negative, although if it is i will not fully care for it.

That is not saying, 'Hey i have a problem! im just putting it out there, dont answer cus i wont listen'

that statment was directed towards the people that do disfavor me.


And no, what you are saying is the begining of those that "are held by the drastically misinformed who aren't interested in accepting their ignorance and are too arrogant to feel they need to learn about the real world."

simply because you opened your mouth to insult me for no reason.

i am not misinformed,
i am not ignorant
and although i may be an ass at times, i am not arrogant.

 

[Eilan]

No, the statment is saying: I know some of you hate me, i can live with that. and if you want to try and be aggressive to me when i ask a question, be that as it may, i will not care. you are entitled to your oppinion and favor of me. and so be it if it shall be negative, although if it is i will not fully care for it.

I think hate is a pretty strong word to describe how some of the people on HT feel about you.

You know that the main issue that people had with you was your penchant for stirring up shit by deliberately giving misinformation to people who asked serious questions.

I don't think that my asking why you felt that you were owed the courtesy of a sincere response given your history here was "aggressive." It was an honest question.

*shrugs*

 

[SweetErika]

And no, what you are saying is the begining of those that "are held by the drastically misinformed who aren't interested in accepting their ignorance and are too arrogant to feel they need to learn about the real world."

simply because you opened your mouth to insult me for no reason.

i am not misinformed,
i am not ignorant
and although i may be an ass at times, i am not arrogant.

My impression is that EJ simply stated a personal belief; he didn't insult you for no reason, Paul.

Have you ever thought your tendency toward misinterpretation, anger, trying to hurt others, and being an ass might be the reason this girl's cut off communication with you? Most of us know the way a friend or date treats others is usually a very good indication of how they'll treat us in the future.

 

[Pyro Paul]

and i was trying to say that you are entitled to your response, you really dont owe me anything. i am after all a complete stranger. i do not Expect patronage from any one. but that doesnt mean that i wont accept patronage at all.



also, it may be hard to believe online, but off line, i am one of the nice-er persons you will ever meet. if you ever meet me.

i understand most problems people encounter, and have ways to help them which will really help them. one reason my girlfriend loved me is because she used to have reoccuring nightmares about watching a person die when she was young, and in the dead of night, she could call me after a nightmare, wake me up, and i would hum a lullyby to her untill she fell asleep again.

she even told me shortly before she left, out of all the docters and shrinks she saw for that specific problem, i was the only one that acctualy ever helped her with the problem she had.

but this is all just bringing up the past...

 

[Pyro Paul]

My impression is that EJ simply stated a personal belief; he didn't insult you for no reason, Paul.

And if that is the case, i am sorry. it read as an insult. its just those are the two things i do not like being refered to as. arrogant and ignorant.