When you wish there was more you could do...

[Volz]

Recently a man that I work with (not in my department, but at the same company) lost his wife rather unexpectedly. She was 43 and he is 50. They have a 6-year-old boy they adopted 3 years ago.

And I wish there was something I could do! He is rather lost and I'm not sure that he will even return here to work. I'm not close with him, but friendly and we chat on break most days.

I would feel rather awkward showing up at his house to help (not that close to him) but I really wish there was more I could do for him!

His wife took care of their boy almost exclusively, he has no idea even what size clothes his son wears.


Any suggestions? I just don't feel like a card is enough! I want to help but feel limited by my relationship with him (or lack of).

 

[SweetErika]

I'm not an expert, but I would give him a call and ask what you can do to help and give him some ideas and suggestions of what type of things you'd like to do (taking care of his son so he can have some alone time, bring them dinner, help with the house, etc.). I think a lot of people ask if there is anything they can do, and the person in grief feels bad asking for help or has trouble coming up with something, so it's good to offer what you're willing and able to do.

Also, it might be nice just to leave some things on his doorstep...a game for his son, a plant, food, a nice note... things that might bring them a little joy or make life easier.

Those are a few things people did for my husband's family recently. His dad really appreciated any kind of show of support and when people would offer up specific services ("Can we come in and take care of the dog while you're away?" etc.).

Good luck, and I hope that helps some!

 

[Weird Harold]

I would feel rather awkward showing up at his house to help (not that close to him) but I really wish there was more I could do for him!

I second Erica's advice call or stop by and tell him you're concerned and want to help.

If you have children, take them along to meet his son.

Find out if you can help him find day-care or a baby-sitter for his son or help him find a housekeeper if he needs one.

I grew up in a small town and strangers or near-strangers helping out in hard times is pretty much second nature for me. Assistanc or evenjust sympathy from someone who is "not close" is oftenmore appreciated and acceptable than the same from a close friend would be.

 

[Bobmi357]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with stopping by with another co-worker or even by yourself.

The grieving process can be really take a lot out of a person. To lose a spouse who was also the mother of their child, is especially difficult. Its not uncommon to bring food along with you when visiting someone that has suffered such a loss. Some people will argue the idea, but the simple processing of eating helps remind us that life must go on even despite the loss.

From your description you consider this gentleman a friend albeit not a close one. I see no reason why you shouldn't provide a little comfort and support during this difficult time for him. I would hope that if I were in his shoes, I would see similar shows of support. Its a comforting feeling to know that despite a crushing loss, there are people that still care about him.

 

[dollface007]

I agree with the above posts. You should feel free to ask him if he needs help with his child, or around the house. People get lots of help and support around the time of the funeral...lots of casseroles and visitors and cards, but once that dies off, they're kind of left on their own to pick up the pieces.

Do you have any hobbies like gardening or crafts? Maybe you could help his son make something to remember his mother...plant a tree, make a collage, etc. If you have kids, maybe you could invite the child to come over and play with your children. It may give your coworker some time to get his affairs in order, or just to rest.

If you don't feel comfortable with getting that involved, perhaps a book of poetry, or a donation to a charity in his wife's honor would be appropriate.

 

[MissTaken]

As you are probably aware, your co worker will likely find the grief intensifies after the first few weeks, when he is trying to make a life for him and his son, without his wife.

Then, you will likely have an opportunity to offer your sincere offer for help. In my own experince, those first few days of grieving are a blur of well wishers. Those that were there when life went on were the one's who stand out as being sincere.

I agree, include other coworkers. It may take some of the discomfort of your shoulders and his.

NOT acknowledging his loss is the worst thing you can do. Talk to him openly. He will let you know if you have crossed a boundary.

Best wishes to you and your co worker,

MissT

 

[SweetErika]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with stopping by with another co-worker or even by yourself.

The grieving process can be really take a lot out of a person. To lose a spouse who was also the mother of their child, is especially difficult. Its not uncommon to bring food along with you when visiting someone that has suffered such a loss. Some people will argue the idea, but the simple processing of eating helps remind us that life must go on even despite the loss.

From your description you consider this gentleman a friend albeit not a close one. I see no reason why you shouldn't provide a little comfort and support during this difficult time for him. I would hope that if I were in his shoes, I would see similar shows of support. Its a comforting feeling to know that despite a crushing loss, there are people that still care about him.

Very true, and I agree with everything except for the stopping by unannounced. I'm one of those people who loves to have visitors, but I find it rude if they just come by without calling first. Maybe it's because I'm partial to walking around the house with little or no clothes on. By the same token, I almost never stop by someone's home without calling and asking if it's a good time (though I might leave something on their doorstep without an announcement).

You should definitely call, send a note, and leave gifts, Volz, but I'd call first to make sure it's a good time before dropping by to visit with him.

 

[shyly curious]

I agree with the prior comment by Sweet Erika, think of a specific thing you could do for them and offer that. Being offered help in a general way leaves too much on his shoulders at a time when he doesn't need to make more decisions.

Even little things will help bring a brief sense of normalcy to their household. Things that he may not be thinking of might be a place to start. As you know, guys don't see house management quite the same way women do.

Good luck to everyone involved.

 

[Volz]

Thank you much everyone for all the advice. Even more sad news... (does it always come in three's???)


Another gentleman that works here (who is like my grandfather) had a heart attack yesterday. He's doing ok, he's stable, but still critical condition in the coronary care unit.



As far as the first gentleman, I think I will get a few ladies from work to help me through helping him. I thought maybe we could go shopping for clothes for his son, maybe clean up his house a little, cook a few dinners for him. Does that sound reasonable?

 

[Cathleen]

Volz, I think it is wonderful you want to help ~ people are mostly nice to each other. I'd think there are others that know him that want to be able to help in a tangible way.

Perhaps getting some friends together and get some ideas flowing, each taking a turn cooking a meal, so that three or four days a week he will not have that burden. Maybe even include a few staple items too, hot dogs, cereal, bread, etc. If others are included in this offering there will be a real sense of caring and support shown to him ~ perhaps that will allow him to let others help more often as well.

I'm know after all the services are done and a few weeks, or months down the road, life returns to "normal" for everyone around the mourner - it will not be so for him. The holidays are coming, the pain will be difficult.

If there are enough of you to help, the support can be ongoing, he most certainly will need it in the months to come....... he will need friends, this is a wonderful endeavour to make a community within your work place.

I am so glad you want to reach out......

 

[HoldenMcCrank]

Volz
you may want to orginize your coworkers to start doing some christmas shopping for the son. If the father is as truely lost as you say this year will be upon him before he realizes it. You may want to see if your company has a counselling service available. I am guessing that both he and his son could use someone to talk to.

After losing my father to suicide talking to a therapist has been a great help! That and the kind PM of support from people that I didn't know.

Go ahead and rally the support of your coworkers. Don't let these 2 slip through the cracks.

Good luck

Holden

 

[Missingmeds]

I agree with everything that has been posted here. Rally the co-workers for both families actually. There is much that can be done to help and one of the greatest things is to be a shoulder to lean on, and an ear to vent to.

 

[Ezzy]

Ditto on all that has been said before on this thread.

One of the ways of helping without being too pushy is to take around a home cooked meal, a simple good meal that they can reheat and serve themselves.

You can then offer the meal, as a little help, and there will be time to see if they would like any other help at the same time, another meal taken around next week?

That is the leas intrusive method I know of helping out in a big way by finding out what help is needed first with a taste of a home cooked meal.

When I was growing up, any new widow / widower in the area would have others dropping in wit a meal or baked goods, or an offer of half a days yard work, or a trip out for the kids with other kids. It was a different time then but I think it still hlds true as a good way of working out a little helping hand without forcing your company on them too much.