why do women have difficulty telling guys they aren't interested?

[silverwhisper]

it seems to me that a lot of women i have known have trouble telling a guy that they aren't interested in them romantically/sexually.

as a guy, i've certainly been in plenty of situations when i was attracted to a woman who did feel the same way. in fact, i think that's so typical of the hetero experience that i think it's safely assumed, for men and for women.

but i have known precious few women who are OK with saying, "look, that's flattering, but i'm just not interested. the chemistry isn't there, and i just don't see that changing."

why is this? is it b/c just enough guys are so obnoxiously persistent that telling them whatever comes to mind to shut 'em up is the only recourse? is it a fear of causing heartbreak? are psychotic assholes prevalent enough that there's a fear of some kind of violence? something else?

ed

 

[PoppingTom]

There is an old speak: "If a lady says No, she means maybe. If she says Maybe, she means YES. If she says Yes, she's no lady."


It's a male prejudice that women can't and don't want to decide finally. And that they want the man to be a never giving up go-getter.

So yes, saying it "the man's way" seems to be the only way on some guys.

 

[SpecialKay62]

Maybe..

because she's trying to make something happen that isn't happening. He's a nice guy...but... kind of thing. And most women don't want to hurt anyone's feelings; we're programmed to "be nice." Which is total BS to me, but I do have quite a few friends who feel they have to be nice. I think you can be assertive without being mean or nasty.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I find it much easier to say no thanks when it's just a physical interest.. when there's an emotional one, it's much harder.

 

[sunandshadow]

Women are constantly judged on their appearances, so I think a lot of them have had painful experiences with being rejected for their looks and would feel guilty or hypocritical rejecting a man for his looks.

On the other hand, I also think men tend to know immediately whether they are interested or not, while women have more difficulty being sure they are or aren't interested because men are going almost purely by looks while women are trying to judge a man's personality. It's just plain difficult to evaluate someone else's personality.

 

[littlebabyclit]

On the other hand, I also think men tend to know immediately whether they are interested or not, while women have more difficulty being sure they are or aren't interested because men are going almost purely by looks while women are trying to judge a man's personality. It's just plain difficult to evaluate someone else's personality.

I second this.

 

[Cattypuss]

"look, that's flattering, but i'm just not interested. the chemistry isn't there, and i just don't see that changing."

That is pretty much exactly what I say.

The reason I am so open, even though it's difficult, is that I loathe the concept of stringing someone along - whether I'm on the receiving or the giving end. I think people deserve honesty, in general, in life.

 

[Cattypuss]

On the other hand, I also think men tend to know immediately whether they are interested or not, while women have more difficulty being sure they are or aren't interested because men are going almost purely by looks while women are trying to judge a man's personality. It's just plain difficult to evaluate someone else's personality.

Interesting. I'd say I know within half an hour of meeting a man whether I will ever want him or not.

 

[sunandshadow]

Interesting. I'd say I know within half an hour of meeting a man whether I will ever want him or not.

Yeah that is interesting. Me, I'm only interested in maybe 10% of guys by their looks, so that part of the evaluation I can tell at a glance or from a picture, but one behavioral trait that is really important to me is that he thinks about me when I'm not around, which is impossible to tell when first meeting someone. That's about relationships though. If I was just judging for casual sex it would be easier - I'd look for not violent, not too macho/bossy, not too submissive. The ideal would be clever, playful, friendly, and clearly communicating interest in me. So yeah that I could tell in half an hour of speaking with a guy.

 

[Cattypuss]

Yeah that is interesting. Me, I'm only interested in maybe 10% of guys by their looks, so that part of the evaluation I can tell at a glance or from a picture, but one behavioral trait that is really important to me is that he thinks about me when I'm not around, which is impossible to tell when first meeting someone. That's about relationships though. If I was just judging for casual sex it would be easier - I'd look for not violent, not too macho/bossy, not too submissive. The ideal would be clever, playful, friendly, and clearly communicating interest in me. So yeah that I could tell in half an hour of speaking with a guy.

I know from experience that if I don;t fancy someone in the first half hour, I never will. Not to say I won't LIKE them and want to be close FRIENDS with them, but if I haven't been attracted in the first half hour I know we can never be a relationship.

Oh - btw - the reason it takes me half an hour and not half a minute to decide is that looks aren't that important to me. But chemistry (sexual chemistry) is incredibly important - and chemistry is there or it's not within half an hour.

 

[NaomiWiz]

it seems to me that a lot of women i have known have trouble telling a guy that they aren't interested in them romantically/sexually.

as a guy, i've certainly been in plenty of situations when i was attracted to a woman who did feel the same way. in fact, i think that's so typical of the hetero experience that i think it's safely assumed, for men and for women.

but i have known precious few women who are OK with saying, "look, that's flattering, but i'm just not interested. the chemistry isn't there, and i just don't see that changing."

why is this? is it b/c just enough guys are so obnoxiously persistent that telling them whatever comes to mind to shut 'em up is the only recourse? is it a fear of causing heartbreak? are psychotic assholes prevalent enough that there's a fear of some kind of violence? something else?

ed

Im not very good in writting or explaining but I try ok Silver?

Now, isn't better to just ask her and with your full defination that you prefer a yes or no answer? I know it sounds stupid but it'll save you a bit of time wondering. I kinda agreed with Tom and the rest.
There's no easy way to get into a woman's mind.
Maybe means Yes, I don't know means Yes too, I'll think abt it also means Yes .
There's something you should aware of is when both having argument and the issue haven't end but she says 'Nevermind' .Let me remind you never I mean seriously never give up on digging up that whatever mess that you guys argued abt until it really settle and done(kiss-kiss smootchie glad problem solved)
If by anychance you can't handle her and she complaining too much while you are still angry , no harm to just grab and give her a passionate kiss immediately. It'll help in soothing. Tis sound rediculous too I know, no harm trying
Women are into details and men are simply think straight or just straight to the point erm..depending on situation.

Following senarios below puts me into thinking:-
I remembered my bro's son 5mth old were having mild fever, irritates alot. My bro suggested to better seek doc, his wive said probably baby going through the teething process. My bro said already?

Men breaking off with women, why do they like to say 'you deserve someone else better than me' and stuff like that?

When men meet someone at some pub and ended up in a hurry saying i'll call you to Mandy or Julie or whomever. But they actually don't?

This could be the only respond I write in your thread. The reason is I don't wanna offence any guys.

This is a kinda sensitive subject that nobody can ever solve but certainly something to absorb.

~Naomi~

 

[LaRocha]

it seems to me that a lot of women i have known have trouble telling a guy that they aren't interested in them romantically/sexually.

as a guy, i've certainly been in plenty of situations when i was attracted to a woman who did feel the same way. in fact, i think that's so typical of the hetero experience that i think it's safely assumed, for men and for women.

but i have known precious few women who are OK with saying, "look, that's flattering, but i'm just not interested. the chemistry isn't there, and i just don't see that changing."

why is this? is it b/c just enough guys are so obnoxiously persistent that telling them whatever comes to mind to shut 'em up is the only recourse? is it a fear of causing heartbreak? are psychotic assholes prevalent enough that there's a fear of some kind of violence? something else?

ed

No one wants to hurt someone's feelings with an honest opinion, especially when you're dealing with someone who's infatuated. If someone's got a thing for you, why would you hurt their feelings by saying you think they're gross or something? You still want them to like you because it's flattering and all that.

But as an adult you should have enough human interaction and observation to know when someone's not interested. If a girl agrees to spend time with you and she knows you're into her, then you have a chance no matter what she says. If she just blows you off with lame excuses, just take the hint and find someone else to entertain. You'll eventually land someone out of your league if you take enough rejections, there's always some sweet looking female who thinks no one's paying attention to her. Just go down the line, every female within ten years who isn't married or dating one of your friends is a possible target.

 

[cryforme1v]

i also think it depends on the situation.
When i go out with the gals i have no problem saying "ya know, i have no interest, get lost"
but if it were a friend or friend of a friend (excuse my lack of spelling) i would be more gentle and try not to give them false hope but get my point across at the same time. I guess that would be along the lines of 'being nice.'

 

[Cattypuss]

Well I think you're all social cowards lol.

Two of my dearest, closest male friends are men I was honest re. lack of chemistry with from the git-go. I have never regretted being honest with a man, and I've often been thanked.

And as a woman I'd just like to STRONGLY disagree with "maybe means yes"

 

[kaycee217]

A woman might have a certain way of showing disinterest, however 10 men seeing that sign will interpret it 7 different ways.

Also, where the woman is from (or how she grew up) is a very important factor in my opinion, when deciding how to interpret a woman's signals.

 

[LaRocha]

Well I think you're all social cowards lol.

Two of my dearest, closest male friends are men I was honest re. lack of chemistry with from the git-go. I have never regretted being honest with a man, and I've often been thanked.

And as a woman I'd just like to STRONGLY disagree with "maybe means yes"

Men don't care about 'no' 'yes' or 'maybe'. Honesty isn't about speech, it's whether you give a guy a chance to be alone with you, drink with you, stay over and watch TV. If a guy tells you he's into you, you tell him you're not into him, and you still let him hang around, he's going to wear you down or just wait for some opportune moment. Guy's don't have a switch to turn off "I want to fuck her." We can wait years, play any part you'll let us for that one moment of weakness. Women don't understand how much we're willing to go through for that 20 minutes of paw, grope, grab, stick, climax.

 

[littlebabyclit]

LaRocha, that was one helluva brutally honest post. Wow. *applauds*

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Not all guys are out looking just to get laid. I've always been brutally shy around women. I''ve never been very good at reading body language. Over the years, I've learned I like intelligent conversation just as much as she does. I'd just as soon a woman came right out and told me she was interested in me. And I think there's more guys that exist like that then you think. Just my two cents worth.

 

[LaRocha]

LaRocha, that was one helluva brutally honest post. Wow. *applauds*

When you're married the scams get even more complicated. Once a week is fine, but I want it more than once a week. I spend most of my day brainstorming ways I can trick her into letting me in that night.

 

[Luna_Bella]

When you're married the scams get even more complicated. Once a week is fine, but I want it more than once a week. I spend most of my day brainstorming ways I can trick her into letting me in that night.

lol I am sure thats the way my husband feels.... although if he would just learn he would know that he doesn't have to trick me he just has to pay me a little a attention for non sexual purposes and then for sure no tricks will be need.

Silver,

I have never had a problem telling a guy I wasn't interested... I have even totally blown off a guy in front of his friends because I could and because he was totally out of line.

Now the problem comes, like you know, when I am genuinely attracted to a guy, since I am married and faithfull, I cannot act upon the attraction. I have difficulty because first I have to lie to the guy, saying I am not interested, second I am deniying myself something and thirds Chances are if am attracted to the guy I genuinely care( I have never been attracted to a guy only based on looks ) about him and do not want to hurt his feelings

 

[CWatson]

I haven't seen anyone mention this, so I thought I'd toss in my coppers:

It might also be the kind of woman you spend time with.

We all have our tastes and predilections. I know there are certain patterns that are likely to show up in the lives of women I'm attracted to, because that's just the way I'm wired: there are traits that trip my radar. Maybe, in your case, one of those traits is the sort of personality that is challenged at speaking their mind for whatever reason--compliance, empathy, desperation, etc.

 

[Cattypuss]

Men don't care about 'no' 'yes' or 'maybe'. Honesty isn't about speech, it's whether you give a guy a chance to be alone with you, drink with you, stay over and watch TV. If a guy tells you he's into you, you tell him you're not into him, and you still let him hang around, he's going to wear you down or just wait for some opportune moment. Guy's don't have a switch to turn off "I want to fuck her." We can wait years, play any part you'll let us for that one moment of weakness. Women don't understand how much we're willing to go through for that 20 minutes of paw, grope, grab, stick, climax.

You're missing the point.

If I say to a guy up-front - "Look, there's no chemistry for me and I know there never will be, so it's just not gonna happen" and we stay friends, if he still wants to fuck me that's his problem. If he still holds out hope that it might be possible, that's his problem (and his self-deception). The point is that I was honest and open from the beginning and also BTW I am always very careful never to give conflicting signals, as time goes on.

 

[LaRocha]

You're missing the point.

If I say to a guy up-front - "Look, there's no chemistry for me and I know there never will be, so it's just not gonna happen" and we stay friends, if he still wants to fuck me that's his problem. If he still holds out hope that it might be possible, that's his problem (and his self-deception). The point is that I was honest and open from the beginning and also BTW I am always very careful never to give conflicting signals, as time goes on.

You're a woman, I'm trying to clue you into the thinking of your male friends. There are girls that exist that some guys aren't interested in sleeping with, maybe they're friends, but as adults most guys won't bother if they don't want sex. We just don't have enough time to be real friends with new people, not just women, we barely see our old friends as is. Actually, we might be friends with a girl to be in a position to be friends with her sister or friend, because we want to sleep with that person at some point -- that's a solid investment, we'll give up guy time for the mission. If a guy's told you he wants it, obviously he's still going to be about it a year or two down the road. You tell him you don't want it, so his game plan changes, but the mission is still the same.

It's not about self-deception, it's about outlasting your desire to not have sex with him. Once one of you gets married you'll no longer be friends, because the other spouse knows the mission and won't accept the 'friendship'. The only way for a female to tell a male she's not interested and for the male to accept that, is a situation of no contact or dialogue.

If you tell a guy, 'no fucking will occur because you're gross', then a week later you ask him to come over to watch a movie real late, because your bored and lonely, he'll go through night after night of the most tedious nonsense for the moment you're exceedingly vulnerable. And it's not like he's being super nefarious, because you're the one inviting him in and you know he's a vampire, he's already told you he'll suck your blood if given half a chance.

 

[Cattypuss]

Well you'll have your opinion and I'll have mine but I have platonic male friends of 20 years' standing (i.e. men who have been close friends throughout the period from before I got married, during my marriage, and since my marriage ended) who value me for *me*, as a human being.

Maybe I just don't hang out with men like you.

 

[LaRocha]

lol I am sure thats the way my husband feels.... although if he would just learn he would know that he doesn't have to trick me he just has to pay me a little a attention for non sexual purposes and then for sure no tricks will be need.

...

That's the common disconnect. There is no such thing as paying attention for non sexual purposes as husband interacting with wife, we don't really know what that means. We pay attention to our kids and co-workers and employees and friends for non sexual purposes, but with our wives it resembles constant harassment for sex for a reason.

When you're in a naval war you don't line up every shot, you just light each cannon down the line and hope a couple hit near the waterline of the enemy vessel. The wife knows our tactics, so she's in constant defense, even if she's horny it has to begin with 'no' unless we've exceedingly met her standards for the week. We don't really know what the standards are, after a while we stop caring and just keep firing away and hope her hull will crack at some point.

Husbanding is stressful, we want to pay attention to you, so when we're being real nice about how we work you for sex it's shocking that you say, "You haven't been paying attention to me. Why would I want to have sex with you?" Because sometimes we've been working our plans days in advance. I'll go see that shitty movie and not fall asleep, then ask her what she thought of it and agree, then we'll go see those crappy local artists and buy whatever mediocre painting she wants. Newsflash: your husband isn't all of a sudden interested in anything new, he's just trying to trick you into sex.

Companionship comes when you're all old like forty-five, until then the mission is about wading the moat and digging a hole under the wall. Pregnancy and kids definitely ruins all the hard work, but that just gives us time to think up new tricks and schemes to gain access.