Widows and widowers 2

[Lilianna23]

Give it some time, and be kind to yourself. Hopefully things will get better than.

Thank you!

 

[Lilianna23]

It's only been a little over five months, and the intensity of the loss is the same. Has not subsided one bit. I did dip my toe on the dating apps. Bad, bad mistake. Anyway, I am just not ready, and do not know when I will be. I have a lot to work on before going out there. Lots of health problems. it would not be fair to anybody. I mean I am still crying everyday. I hope at some point to at least out there and find a friend locally. Problem is, people have lives. So it's a balancing game. Thanks for the thread.

I'm so sorry, Wok!

 

[Lilianna23]

It's natural that it takes a toll on cognitive skills and getting things done can be sooooo difficult. Those skills will recover over time.

Thank you. This feels like foreign territory to me. It's really hard to feel incompetent. OTOH, sometimes it feels like it doesn't matter. Although I know it will later. So I try to give myself those days when I just can't seem to get motivated.

 

[Lilianna23]

So sorry for your loss, as well.

I think there's a lot of point in the old time habit of mourning year. That at least nothing serious should happen before that. While the worst probably eases earlier (or we simply start to grow in comparison to the sorrow), there's a lot to deal with. The few ones that I know that have successfully dated earlier, have met another widow.

And then I want to quote myself, because this was so helpful to myself, and seems to be able to help others, too. (And I don't assume all newcomers read back the whole thread.) This advice won't make your sorrow any less, but increase your ability to cope.

This is good advice. I did read it earlier and have tried setting things up. It's been difficult for me to reach out, however. Thankfully, I have wonderful friends and family who contact me. Even my SIL, with whom I've been cordial but not ever friends. She reaches out to me to see how I am. I need to remember she also lost her brother...

 

[Lilianna23]

My friend, please focus on your health first of all, both physical and mental. Find some simple things that you enjoy. Whatever form of exercise you are capable of, please do it, but take one step at a time. Find beauty in life, whether it's a walk by a lake or in the countryside. Nature has extraordinary healing powers. Good luck.

My dog is my saving grace. She needs care daily so I can't just retreat into myself.

 

[Wok]

My friend, please focus on your health first of all, both physical and mental. Find some simple things that you enjoy. Whatever form of exercise you are capable of, please do it, but take one step at a time. Find beauty in life, whether it's a walk by a lake or in the countryside. Nature has extraordinary healing powers. Good luck.

Yeah, I need to take some walks. I have been cooped up in this house most of the day. I only go out for doctor appointments. That is not healthy. Pretty difficult to meet others in real life not going outside, either. As for hobbies, I have tons of them, but lost interest in all of them. Drawing, computers, toy collecting, and learning bass guitar are a few. Heh, but I did tune the bass guitars. Well, to the best of my limited ability. Even with the tuners, it is never 100% in tune.

The good thing is, I am in therapy, and have been since my wife was bedridden two years ago. The intense caregiving was extremely taxing. Not just physically, but mentally. As much as I miss her terribly, and as much as I wish she were here, I have to realize that's selfish. She is not in terrible pain anymore. Not stuck in that little bed. not having to deal with a spouse bitterly complaining and having screaming meltdowns. It was truly terrible. And yes, I am in the guilt phase. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Thanks one and all, for the very kind words. It's not easy to come by in a place like Lit.

Another thing this experience brought - it changed my outlook on life completely. I am listening more. Judging less. Trying to reach out and apologize for my toxic and terrible behaviors. It's not always successful. Anyway, this is quite the journey.

 

[KentLondon]

Yeah, I need to take some walks. I have been cooped up in this house most of the day. I only go out for doctor appointments. That is not healthy. Pretty difficult to meet others in real life not going outside, either. As for hobbies, I have tons of them, but lost interest in all of them. Drawing, computers, toy collecting, and learning bass guitar are a few. Heh, but I did tune the bass guitars. Well, to the best of my limited ability. Even with the tuners, it is never 100% in tune.

The good thing is, I am in therapy, and have been since my wife was bedridden two years ago. The intense caregiving was extremely taxing. Not just physically, but mentally. As much as I miss her terribly, and as much as I wish she were here, I have to realize that's selfish. She is not in terrible pain anymore. Not stuck in that little bed. not having to deal with a spouse bitterly complaining and having screaming meltdowns. It was truly terrible. And yes, I am in the guilt phase. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Thanks one and all, for the very kind words. It's not easy to come by in a place like Lit.

Another thing this experience brought - it changed my outlook on life completely. I am listening more. Judging less. Trying to reach out and apologize for my toxic and terrible behaviors. It's not always successful. Anyway, this is quite the journey.

Have sent you a private message.

 

[Lilianna23]

Yeah, I need to take some walks. I have been cooped up in this house most of the day. I only go out for doctor appointments. That is not healthy. Pretty difficult to meet others in real life not going outside, either. As for hobbies, I have tons of them, but lost interest in all of them. Drawing, computers, toy collecting, and learning bass guitar are a few. Heh, but I did tune the bass guitars. Well, to the best of my limited ability. Even with the tuners, it is never 100% in tune.

The good thing is, I am in therapy, and have been since my wife was bedridden two years ago. The intense caregiving was extremely taxing. Not just physically, but mentally. As much as I miss her terribly, and as much as I wish she were here, I have to realize that's selfish. She is not in terrible pain anymore. Not stuck in that little bed. not having to deal with a spouse bitterly complaining and having screaming meltdowns. It was truly terrible. And yes, I am in the guilt phase. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Thanks one and all, for the very kind words. It's not easy to come by in a place like Lit.

Another thing this experience brought - it changed my outlook on life completely. I am listening more. Judging less. Trying to reach out and apologize for my toxic and terrible behaviors. It's not always successful. Anyway, this is quite the journey.

Please try to give yourself grace, Wok. I'm a nurse and know first hand how hard it is to care for bed-ridden patients. Having to do this day in and day out as her husband was, I'm sure, excruciating for you.

I'm glad you're in therapy to deal with your grief and guilt.

This is a good thread. I've received good advice and insight from those who are farther along in their journey than I. Everyone traverses it differently. Please remember, grief is not linear.

I wish you peace.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

Grief is not in stages rather grief stages are experienced differently in time and frequently. It’s not linear.

I am pleased this forum is helping. I did not have one when I came to Lit.

 

[Lilianna23]

Grief is not in stages rather grief stages are experienced differently in time and frequently. It’s not linear.

I am pleased this forum is helping. I did not have one when I came to Lit.

I'm so grateful to you for starting this thread, B2. Grateful also to those who have gone before and generously share their wisdom, insight, and suggestions.

 

[Strixaluco]

Thank you. This feels like foreign territory to me. It's really hard to feel incompetent. OTOH, sometimes it feels like it doesn't matter. Although I know it will later. So I try to give myself those days when I just can't seem to get motivated.

Frankly, I dealt with grief partly how I dealt with depression (and I don't mean meds, they didn't help me much with depression either). And having survived depression earlier helped me believe that I'd survive grief, too, despite it doesn't feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Strixaluco]

This is good advice. I did read it earlier and have tried setting things up. It's been difficult for me to reach out, however.

It depends on the person if it's about meeting people at all.

But if for you it is, and it's hard, you could ask close people to keep in contact regularly. Perhaps even scheduling several calls or dates at once. That way it would happen even if it's difficult for you to make happen.

 

[Strixaluco]

Yeah, I need to take some walks. I have been cooped up in this house most of the day. I only go out for doctor appointments. That is not healthy. Pretty difficult to meet others in real life not going outside, either. As for hobbies, I have tons of them, but lost interest in all of them.

I feel you. I struggled with those issues, too. Regarding going out, keeping the target ridiculously low may help. Not 1h walks, but walking around the block or something. At worst even standing in the garden! You may end up doing more and that's nice - but not really the point. Even standing in the garden helps, after all.

The good thing is, I am in therapy, and have been since my wife was bedridden two years ago. The intense caregiving was extremely taxing. Not just physically, but mentally. As much as I miss her terribly, and as much as I wish she were here, I have to realize that's selfish. She is not in terrible pain anymore. Not stuck in that little bed. not having to deal with a spouse bitterly complaining and having screaming meltdowns. It was truly terrible. And yes, I am in the guilt phase. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Thanks one and all, for the very kind words. It's not easy to come by in a place like Lit.

Grief goes through the whole range of emotions, in whatever order and manner it happens to - and also sometimes all at once.

But it's also "love without home". Of course you wish she was here, you love her after all! It's not like you wish her still in pain, that's not the same thing.

We are not perfect beings. I'm not especially proud of myself in the last hours before the ambulance came, either... Not the way I would have wanted to spend the last hours together. But sometimes life brings rather unnice stress reactions, and I've forgiven myself.

 

[Lilianna23]

It depends on the person if it's about meeting people at all.

But if for you it is, and it's hard, you could ask close people to keep in contact regularly. Perhaps even scheduling several calls or dates at once. That way it would happen even if it's difficult for you to make happen.

This is good advice! Thank you!

 

[Lilianna23]

I feel you. I struggled with those issues, too. Regarding going out, keeping the target ridiculously low may help. Not 1h walks, but walking around the block or something. At worst even standing in the garden! You may end up doing more and that's nice - but not really the point. Even standing in the garden helps, after all.


Grief goes through the whole range of emotions, in whatever order and manner it happens to - and also sometimes all at once.

But it's also "love without home". Of course you wish she was here, you love her after all! It's not like you wish her still in pain, that's not the same thing.

We are not perfect beings. I'm not especially proud of myself in the last hours before the ambulance came, either... Not the way I would have wanted to spend the last hours together. But sometimes life brings rather unnice stress reactions, and I've forgiven myself.

 

[Strixaluco]

This is good advice! Thank you!

Well, I struggled with it myself and had to find ways to cope

I'm also grateful to those family members and friends who made a point to reach out to me.

 

[lit_ch3]

Well, I struggled with it myself and had to find ways to cope

I'm also grateful to those family members and friends who made a point to reach out to me.

The ones that reach out are true family, whether related or not.

I have family members I'll never make an outgoing call to ever again. I have friends I check in with every week or so, a few more often.

 

[Strixaluco]

The ones that reach out are true family, whether related or not.

I have family members I'll never make an outgoing call to ever again. I have friends I check in with every week or so, a few more often.

Indeed. Now I do have some friends with whom we had the mutual understanding that neither had what it would have taken to support the other at that time, and that didn't take a toll on the friendship. But generally speaking, it's one hell of a way to find out whom you can count on.

Funnily enough, my SIL was 100% on my side when I found out my husband had cheated on me. She indeed feels like a sister.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

I was a bit sad and tired after attending my LW’s mother’s memorial yesterday. I went to support my stepchildren and they were the best part. I met others who knew my LW and realized this might be the last time I see them.

I feel better this morning but still surprised at my feelings yesterday. Feelings can pop up at anytime from any event.

Have a good day.

 

[someplace]

I wish I'd found this thread sooner. Thank you for keeping it going. My husband and I met here in the very early days. He was funny and weird and larger than life. I always said I was the straight to his crazy. We had almost 20 awesome years together. The doctors refused to make the call to remove him from life support and forced me to make that decision. He died Nov 1, 2021. We both caught covid from our doctor of all people. We both went into the hospital. They put him on the ventilator without me getting to speak to him first. They wouldn't let us see him until it was too late. I carry so much anger still about the whole situation. The first year was a blur. I decided he had to go first because there's no way he'd have had the patience to deal with all the paperwork and phone calls. The second year absolutely sucked because it's when reality set in and the realization that he wasn't just out on tour somewhere or working in another city, but he truly wasn't coming back. Another 5 or 6 weeks will mark year 3. I still cry at the weirdest times, just maybe not as often -- or maybe I've just accepted that there will always be this layer of sadness just under the surface. I've forced myself to go out. His band still has the most important weekly gig that he championed. I worried they'd lose the gig without him, so I attended and kept up with his musical friends as a show of support. I've travelled quite a bit, which is really another advoidance. Oddly enough, the most blowback to how I've dealt with this loss has come from my closest friend and my sister. Both have criticized the way I've grieved and exhorted me to move on and get past it. I resent them their judgements of me and my life.

My biggest issue has been a continued lack of initative. I just don't care about the things that used to bring me joy. I'm still forcing myself and going through motions. I have a parcel of grandchildren, most who live nearby for whom I'm asked to babysit often. I joined a women's group my daughter is involved with and sign up for charity shifts to get me out of the house. It's like i'm living in layers. People see the outer layer and think all is well. If people asked how I'm doing, they really don't want to know the truth. They really want the lie. It's just exhausting sometimes.

 

[Strixaluco]

I was a bit sad and tired after attending my LW’s mother’s memorial yesterday. I went to support my stepchildren and they were the best part. I met others who knew my LW and realized this might be the last time I see them.

Sounds like one more farewell than you expected

 

[Strixaluco]

Oddly enough, the most blowback to how I've dealt with this loss has come from my closest friend and my sister. Both have criticized the way I've grieved and exhorted me to move on and get past it. I resent them their judgements of me and my life.

My biggest issue has been a continued lack of initative. I just don't care about the things that used to bring me joy. I'm still forcing myself and going through motions.

I'm so sorry for your loss!

Moving on is a very relative thing. Doing it in a way that shows outwards is empty and without meaning, if it doesn't match feelings inside. And if it happens in the mind, then it does matter if nothing shows.

However, if I'm allowed to be frank, if after 3 years you still can't find joy in anything... That makes me worried. What is keeping you stuck so deep in the grief?

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

Sounds like one more farewell than you expected

Yes

 

[someplace]

However, if I'm allowed to be frank, if after 3 years you still can't find joy in anything... That makes me worried. What is keeping you stuck so deep in the grief?

It's not that I don't find joy in anything. The things that used to bring me joy fall flat now. I'm a quilter and used to spend hours in my studio. Since my husband's death, I've sewn when I've absolutely had to, but not for myself. I laugh with friends. I enjoy going out but the things that used to matter seem to fall short. I suspect they will be replaced with other more esoteric things. Someone earlier in this thread said they have changed since their partner's passing. That resonated with me. My outlook has definitely shifted.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

It's not that I don't find joy in anything. The things that used to bring me joy fall flat now. I'm a quilter and used to spend hours in my studio. Since my husband's death, I've sewn when I've absolutely had to, but not for myself. I laugh with friends. I enjoy going out but the things that used to matter seem to fall short. I suspect they will be replaced with other more esoteric things. Someone earlier in this thread said they have changed since their partner's passing. That resonated with me. My outlook has definitely shifted.

Everyone grieves uniquely; at their own pace, give yourself grace, and space as you need it. I’m glad you found this forum.

I have changed as I spent time learning who I am without my wife. I feel good about myself now but felt like I was going through the motions before.

My daughter asked for my help which triggered my internal paternity. Being a grandpa helping my daughter and grandchildren has given me purpose.

I want you to know we understand and are here to support each other on our journey through grief.