Wife Feels Nothing

[nelbuts5256]

Well going to try to make this brief but need advice and maybe suggestions.

My wife says she loves me but has no feelings at all toward me and even sometimes toward my son. If she is away she only misses our daughter. This has been going on for quite some time as sex has been getting less and less over the past eight years. Finally, it was more than I could take and I decided to get it out in the open. In the past she has always dismissed it as all women married 23 years could care less about sex. In fact she said she could do with out it for months or even years. She does not miss it and says I have different needs.

She know I love her deeply and says that she would never leave or force me out and I don't want to leave either. We decided that we need to spend more time together alone walking and such and have actually been having good conversations again. For years I thought it was a physcial thing and asked her to go to a doctor and now she has. He wanted her to get blood work and see her GYN and then maybe get some mental help if the problem is not physical.

Honestly, I am a basket case and have had a very tough time. Have no one to discuss this with and decided to open up to the LIT family. This started a few years after our youngest birth and has gotten worse every year. I thought it might be me. I wasn't performing or what ever. So I tried everything from buying sexy clothes for her to role playing or what ever but no response. I know she is not gay because she can not stand to get or receive oral. For some reason was not a problem years ago before kids and even before we were married.

Right now just writing this makes me feel ill. Sorry to ramble on like this but honestly I am just lost.

Just to let you know, I come home, do not drink, do not fool around, no gambling, give all my money to the family and I do quite well in that area. So I just do not understand.

 

[bisexplicit]

Is she suffering from depression?
Is she going through menopause?

There are lots of possible ailments that could be effecting her.

 

[nelbuts5256]

I don't think menopause because this has been ongoing for about eight years. Depression not sure our doctor wanted the tests and her GYN to see her first. She is actually going to look into a phys. but does not know exactly how to do that. When we have sex she admits she is going through motion.

 

[Eilan]

I don't think menopause because this has been ongoing for about eight years. Depression not sure our doctor wanted the tests and her GYN to see her first. She is actually going to look into a phys. but does not know exactly how to do that. When we have sex she admits she is going through motion.

Menopause isn't something that happens overnight.

She definitely needs to be checked out by an OB/GYN. If there's not a hormonal component to this, then she might be depressed.

 

[JustSkye]

Was there any kind of abuse in her past at all that you know of?

 

[nelbuts5256]

No abuse at all. If it matters we are both well educated. She has masters plus almost doctors degree and I have BS plus MA. There was no abuse no diviorce in her family. She has no issues that she has ever discused in 24 years we have been together.

 

[Tele2047]

I don't know if it makes a difference (it might), but what did she study, and what did you?

 

[pupper]

You say that she all along has had this disinterest in sex.Has she ever had a strong drive.Has she ever actually had an orgasm.My wife has gained in sex drive we married when she was 22,she is now almost 40, at first her sex drive was strong then after her first pregnancy she lost her drive,on top of that she had a rough childhood and went into depression.about four years ago her drive went through the roof,I always loved giving oral and she did not like it,when her drive went through the roof she let me give her oral,we researched orgasms,when she had her first real orgasm,thats all she wanted to do.Read Mr.GGG gpot/sqirting orgasm thread.If you can talk her into allowing you to try it,you will get her hooked.Is or was there sexual repression,or abuse that she wont talk about in her past?Was she taught as a child that sex is naughty?I feel your pain if I can help you in any way P.M. Me I am no expert but if you need someone to bounce things off of I'm here for ya man.

 

[nelbuts5256]

Please read all posts.
No bad childhood, no abuse.
Will not discuss the degrees not necessary.
She had a very good sex drive until after our last child then it has went down hill the past 8 years.

We did oral when we were first married but she does not remember, LOL.

She has climaxed before but not without vibrator in last 7 years or so.

 

[southernsky]

untreated postpartum depression is all I can think of. Maybe try a session with a therapist just to see what they think? That's gotta be rough on you, and I hope someone here can help you, or that it helps to get it out in the open.

 

[pupper]

Yeah,Could be post partum depression but it seems to me that after eight years she would come out of it.The Dr. should be able to find out,I am here if you need someone to bounce things off though.Sometimes it helps if you can just vent to someone for your sanity.

 

[nelbuts5256]

Well right about one thing, have not had anyone to talk to. And it has been difficult.

 

[pupper]

Well nelbut,in the words of the immortal Mick Jagger"We all need someone we can lean on and if you want to you can lean on me".

 

[SweetErika]

My wife says she loves me but has no feelings at all toward me and even sometimes toward my son. If she is away she only misses our daughter.

Has she explained this to you...why only your daughter? That sounds like something that may need to be explored in conversation and probably therapy.

For years I thought it was a physcial thing and asked her to go to a doctor and now she has. He wanted her to get blood work and see her GYN and then maybe get some mental help if the problem is not physical.

Why hasn't she had the bloodwork and made the mental health appointments?

I know she is not gay because she can not stand to get or receive oral.

Not liking oral probably doesn't mean a heck of a lot in terms of sexual orientation. What has she said in terms of the reason why she can't stand giving or receiving? Is it possible she's had some bad experiences?

I don't think menopause because this has been ongoing for about eight years. Depression not sure our doctor wanted the tests and her GYN to see her first. She is actually going to look into a phys. but does not know exactly how to do that. When we have sex she admits she is going through motion.

How old is she? What do you mean she doesn't know how to get a physical...can't she just call up the OBGYN's office and schedule a longer appointment to talk about concerns and the possibility of testing? Or, call her doctor and ask for a referral or for their office to set up the appointment with the necessary tests for her?

Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but for seemingly educated, intelligent people, scheduling a physical and therapy appointments isn't a difficult task. If you think she might be depressed or scared and dragging her feet, express your love and concern again, and tell her you'd like to help her get the appointments so both of you can put your minds at ease.

 

[nelbuts5256]

first she never thought it was a problem so no Dr. appointment

2nd. not a problem getting physcial but choosing a shrink (sorry did not make that clear)

She just thinks oral is gross now that is all. We use to do it years ago when younger though.

She is 46 and I am 49.

There is no problem in setting up an appointments now but 1. she did not think it was needed before and 2. there are so many shrinks that did not know who to choose. She did not want to ask around as you might well imagine.

As far as daughter thing, I think it is this bond they have you know shopping, movies and the like.

 

[HandFan]

I really hate to say this, but the fact that she thinks that she doesn't have a problem or have any urgent need to visit any doctors is a clear sign that something is wrong, and maybe not just physicallly. Denying a problem is a sign of hiding something, I really suspect that she's not being completely truthful with you about something she's either feeling guilty or sensitive about. If she loves you like she says she does, I would think that she would be concerned about how the situation is making you feel. I can see her hiding something from you as well if you come on as confruntational about this problem, but it does sound like you are doing it really sensitivly.

Is your wife the more selfish person in your relationship?
Does she still express affection toward you and your son; hugs and kisses?
Did she come from an unaffectionate family?
Is she heavily spiritual?
Have either of you gain a lot of weight since you've been married?

A lot of things can set off a witholding of affection in a person; it doesn't have to be big childhood trauma...maybe something as simple as being spoiled too much, or not getting hugged by the more worshipped parent when you were a child, hiding a deep loathing of the opposite sex that you are completely unaware of, ect.

You have my deepest sympathies...I myself went through the same kind of thing as you wife; a loss of sex drive or interest in my husband. I still feel guilt for my husband having had to deal with it for 4 years. Mine was brought on by a combination of The Pill,(which screwed up my hormones very badly), weight gain, and a fear disappointing him in bed. I've alway had a very high sex drive, (like a mans), and it was very disturbing for me to go through this problem, which made me not want to talk to my husband about it, so instead I pretended that I was okay when I really wasn't. Then when I did bring it up, after a couple of years of crying in the bathroom after sex that I didn't even want to have with him and that he didn't know I was doing out of obligation, I became more depressed because I felt that he was thinking that I was just giving him a lame excuse not to have sex. After awhile, the more I talked about it with him, the more we agreed that the first thing I needed was to get off The Pill, so he had a vasectomy. Then I went through a personal growth stage on my own: I lost the weight, which I didn't even know had bothered me so much, and worked on realizing that he really did love me and that it was okay that I wasn't the end all be all in bed; that he was really happy with me.

I wish you much luck with this...Keep in mind, this really may bother your wife too, but she might be hiding it from you for fear of hurting herself as well as you.

 

[M's girl]

Some really good advice was given here already by some of the LIT pro's They do know what they are talking about is what I've experienced in my short time I'm on LIT now. I can't add much more but I can tell you about my experience in that department.

I'm 42 years old, have never been married but had a few long-term relationships. I consider myself to be a VERY sexual person. Am in a relationship that's fairly new (somewhat over 10 months) and the sex is wonderful.

But... in two of my past relationships the great sex lasted maybe two or three years, then faded until in the end it was non-existent (spelled right? hmmm). Maybe needless to say those relationships didn't function well when the sex started to get less. In both relationships I was feeling comfortable being with the person but started to feel like we were more like brother and sister or maybe even good friends, but I was not sexually aroused anymore. I guess for me, and I know this to be true for more women but not everyone, for me for sex to work the relationship itself needs to work well first. I need to feel connected to the other person and being connected like to a brother, sister or friend is not enough. I know you have to work on keeping those feelings alive together in the relationship but after trying hard, talking about it etc. I guess I just gave up in the end.

Then there was no sexual feelings left whatsoever. Not for my partner at the time, but also not for someone else or even to myself. I was just numb. And I wasn't even feeling sorry about it at the time, did not miss it. Every once so rarely I felt a sexual arousal and then masturbated but there could be months in between. Even at those times I did not consider waiting fo my partner to share that feeling. Partly too, I think, because I knew in advance it would be a one time thing until the next 'urge' and my partner would expect more...

I felt somewhat guilty. Of course my partner would sometimes try and I would always think "OK, not tonight, I'm not in the mood but I will try to set my mind to it and have sex tomorrow, or the day after"... I really understood that that would be nessecary to keep our relationship on track but I never could do it. Of course it was a silent promise I only made to myself and never followed up again. I never told my partner to wait until the next day because I knew already I would barge out of that promise most likely. In the end I also stopped fooling myself...

With the second of the two partners I'm telling you about there still was a lot of intimacy though. We still cuddled, slept against each other sometimes and he used to give me wonderful massages which I enjoyed very much. But they relaxed me rather than excite me.

The first relationship ended after 5 years, the second after somewhat over 7 years. I know, for me, what keeps me sexually aroused is the feeling of connection and of course there need not be too many major problems in the relationship. And then it's also that I need (need!!!) to feel wanted and loved. I need the TLC outside the bedroom as much as I need it inside... I need to feel special which means my partner needs to tell me he loves me and wants me. But even him telling me that is not enough; I need to FEEL that he does. I need the passion and lots of intimacy.

I know that if that would fade in this relationship, my sexdrive will fade again too. I will try everything I can not to let that happen again but of course I need my partner to work with me on that. I'm more open now, I guess you learn from your mistakes, and tell my current partner my needs. I hope and pray that he's paying attention because I'm very much in love with him but I also know what happens if he starts taking things for granted and how I can't help myself reacting like I did in former relationships.

Yes, I'm high maintainence ( ) but I give it back too.... Most certainly also in the bedroom

Of course there are other influences that lower the sexdrive, with me too at the time. I had a full time job and a busy social life, which takes up lots of energy too. I had severe migraines. But we had no children, which can be an extra drain on your energy level. So besides the lack of desire for sex I could have been too tired sometimes anyway.

Although I agree your wife might be depressed I guess the above shows that you do not need to be to still lose the desire for sex.

Hope this helps somewhat. Have no clue what to tell you to get it back on track though. Except the usual stuff: pay attention to her needs (outside the bedroom first). Make her feel special. Communicate! Tell her how you feel and how you wish she would feel better in your relationship (not how YOU wish she would have sex with you again... with me that would bouce totally if all else felt wrong).

I wish you lots of success. Oh and does she know you posted this question on LIT? I think I would appreciate my man for trying to get answers to save our relationship. You sound like a considerate man and you realize that getting your kicks outside the ralationship is not the answer.

Good luck!

 

[phoenix1224]

Menopause isn't something that happens overnight.

Exactly.

I read somewhere that PERImenopause (the menopause BEFORE menopause) can begin as much as ten years before actual menopause.

 

[Eilan]

I read somewhere that PERImenopause (the menopause BEFORE menopause) can begin as much as ten years before actual menopause.

I'm sure that it's one of those "your mileage may vary" situations, but in my mom's case, she started showing signs of what's considered perimenopause in her mid-to-late 40's. However, she didn't actually stop getting her periods until she was in her early 50's. Even then it was gradual; they got increasingly irregular unti they just stopped coming.

 

[nelbuts5256]

Ok will address some things that were brought up here.

First, she is not selfish. She is a very loving caring mother who works with the children and we have two wonderful smart, very smart kids. She never thinks of herself first. We do not argue or fight. We have had some disagreements but never any yelling.

Yes there are still hugs and kisses here in fact more so to me now that we have started working on this. Yes she had a caring family and all family members are close. Just in case anyone is wondering there is no one else for either of us. I know this to be true because honestly are time and life is very structured.

Our sex life did not start going south until about 8-10 years ago our daughter is now 13. But it did not drop off overnight.

We both have put on and taken off weight over our 23 years together. She is a little chunky I guess but I love her that way or any way quite honestly.

She did not go to a doctor before because she thought it was pretty normal based on some conversations with her lady friends. They of course say their husbands want sex all the time (which we do) and they don't so she just thought it was normal and that women don't want it much.

We did drift apart due to the sex, and her being more of a mothe and less a wife I guess. But I am not perfect either. As I was being rejected I spent more time on the computer and working. Mainly I think because I just was not getting any attention.

Strange you mentioned numb because those were her words one time. She feels nothing.

She is not on the pill and has not been since my daughter was two. I got clipped for her. Interesting now that you mention it wonder if it would be the reverse?

 

[hotkittykitty]

I'm in a similar, although opposite situation. I have been married nearly 16 years to a wonderful man and father. However, in the last few years, our sex life has declined, mostly due to me I guess.

My husband just doesn't turn me on anymore. Part of the problem, I believe, is purely physical. I have noticed an increase in an odor from my husband, on his body and breath, that is particularly unpleasant (think cat's litter box). When I have tried to ask him to have this checked out by the doctor, he dismisses me and says there's nothing wrong.

Then, there are the idiocyncracies, like his farting in bed, his stiff lips when he kisses me, the fact sex lasts at best 20 minutes, and that's when there's 10 minutes of foreplay, normally only about 5 minutes, and he's the only one to get off.

I'm not disinterested in sex, in fact, it's quite the opposite. In the last few months, I have taken a lover, and our sex is fantastic. Quickies for us are a minimum of 45 minutes.

Maybe, nelbutts, you just need to sit her down and get her to open up to you. Ask her if maybe she feels you are the problem. That might be the spark to getting the communication lines opened up.

I wish you luck. I wish my husband would take me seriously, although I would hate losing my lover at this point.

 

[bronzeage]

Well going to try to make this brief but need advice and maybe suggestions.

My wife says she loves me but has no feelings at all toward me and even

(Condensed for space)

Right now just writing this makes me feel ill. Sorry to ramble on like this but honestly I am just lost.

Just to let you know, I come home, do not drink, do not fool around, no gambling, give all my money to the family and I do quite well in that area. So I just do not understand.

This is a good description of a former marriage. We had some very happy times and some miserable times. My wife was clincally depressed and the level of depression would rise and fall. Many years of therapy and every drug aproved by the FDA and we were on the same rollercoaster. I tried things like you describe to try to make her happy, including much I regret. She started taking Prozac when it was band new. She lost weight, got a new job and told me she wanted a separation to "clear her head". I loved her very much and it hurt a lot. I told her to do what she had to do, but if she left, the marriage was over. She did not believe me and it was kind of a shock monthes later, when I said no to a reconcilation.
Its 15 years later now. I have a new wife and we are quite happy. She has a new husband and he is living the life I once had. If he is happy or not, I can't say.
I wish I had some useful advice for you, but all I can tell you is that you can't make someody happy. At some point you have to think about yourself and and your children and make your choices. There was a time when I felt all the money spent on drugs and therapy would have been better spent on drama school. If she could learn to act happy, I would be content.
In the end I realized there was nothing I could do to change things. It did not matter how handsome or sexy I was. It did not matter how much money I made. It did not matter how devoted a father I was.
Good luck. I hope it works out.

 

[nelbuts5256]

Kitty, sorry to hear about your situation.
No, I am not perfect and sure I have made some mistakes. Most of have at some time or another. One thing for sure is I don't stink. Although a fart or two has slipped out in the past. Hey sometimes just can't get up fast enough. LOL.

We are talking more everyday. However, the sex is just not there yet and I am not going to push it till we know more.


bronzeage:

Well sorry it did not work for you. However, I will not be discouraged. Both of us are determined to work this out. In fact there is no other option. We want to get back to the way we were.

 

[nelbuts5256]

Update

Well blood work came back and every thing is normal. Hormones are fine. I told her that we will not have sex until she wants to. It is very difficult for me but I do not want her to do it just because she believes that she is obligated to do so. She states that she has no desire for sex of any type. Big blow to my ego but this is a first for me. Never had anyone not want to do it. She goes to her OBGYN tomorrow and then I think the next step will be a theropist.

She maintains that she knows she loves me but just has no feeling. Seperation or diviorce is not an option either of us will consider. Just glad I have both my hands, LOL. That is of course someone lives in FL close by!! LOL!

 

[Softly]

Hi

At any time has she had vaginal surgery, such as a passage to repair a bladder problem? The reason I ask is that up until recently, doctors thought all female stimulation came from the clitoris. Now they realize that the entire vagina is alive with nerves that stimulate the woman. In the past, doctors would cut into the vagina severing much of the nerves, which made the woman loose all feeling from the action of the penis.