Wife is cheating, and doesn't know that I know

[amofiga]

Backseat80

I can't add much that others haven't already said. I suppose I'm a bit confused as to what you want the outcome to be whan you have buckets of proof that you need that she's cheating. Do you want to divorce her an are just looking for evidence to take to a lawyer? Do you want to stay and somehow be aroused by the cuckolding? Do you want to confront her and ask her to stop, or do you want to join her and find your own women friends in an open and swinging arrangement?

The most important question to answer for yourself is do I love her and want to stay with her no matter what and find the advantages of the situation, or do I want her out of my life. For me, the answer would be simple. If I loved her and she loved me and we both wanted to be married to each other, then I'd love having an open swinging relationship to enjoy the fruits of such an arrangement. But that's just me. As I said, you have to be true to your own personality and sexuality and be comfortable in your own skin. Good luck.

 

[Mick2150]

Task #1 if you are open to moving this marriage onto a sound footing is .... to start communicationg - openly, honestly & truthfully. You both have options, and obviously talking about keeping the marriage alive is going to be an early subject for discussion.

If through really 'open' communication you can each talk about what is truly important to each of you, and you do come to a mutual agreement to stay together, then some rules of engagement will need to be negotiated, agreed to & stuck to - or, re-negotiated if over time things are not working out comfortably - for both of you.

MONOGAMY IS NOT FOR EVERYONE .... is a sign that I carried in last w/ends Toronto Pride Parade - one of the biggest in the world. Another sign read WHY CHEAT TRY POLY.

If you (plural!) agree to - open the relationship - embrace the swinging lifestyle - or, agree to a form of Polyamory, where you - again plural!!) make and agree to respect those rules, and honour each other, then there is much work ahead in research & learning.

And rather than 'kink-friendly' marriage councellors, try looking for 'Poly - senstive' therapists. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedon - NCSF - has a booklet "What Psychology Professionals should know about Polyamory" .... www.ccsfreedom.org should work.

"Monogamy by default" is a social cultural thing & for many of us turns out to be unworkable. "Monagomy by CHOICE" is an entirely different animal that requires open discussion between two equal partners. At no time does anyone rely on the word "Assumption" That is a fast way towards mis-understanding one's partner.

 

[lazyhobo]

I would give my 2 cents in the simple, I agree with the majority, Confront her about the issue, discuss the issue, work out a solution. There are many solutions to pick from, but since I dont know anything really about you or your wife, I can hardly pick and choose any for you.

Simple answer - Do you still love her? and d o you want her around you / can you bare to be around her after this problem? Once you answer those, you will know what to do.

To all the replies to this topic that commented about the wife, whos at fault, and all that.
Ever hear the old saying, Theres always three sides to every story, The victims, the perpetrators and the Truth.

We know virtually Nothing about the wife except that she POSSIBLY cheated, and is kind of a flirt.
We know virtually Nothing about the husband except that he doesnt spend as much time as home as he might like, and that he got aroused by a fantasy.

We haven't really got the knowledge here to make an accurate description of the issue in question, yes we can offer advice, but we cant say what her reasons are for doing this, perhaps there is some psychological issue in question we do not know, perhaps the husband did or didnt do something, or perhaps shes just cock hungry. We dont know.

Sorry about that last bit, sort of a rant after reading people talk about why she may or may not have done something and putting all the blame on her. Yes, she is guilty, but maybe not as much as we think.

 

[serpentwrap]

I generally avoid commenting on such personal matters, but will make an exception here. Before you do anything, get in touch with a good divorce lawyer and explain the situation to evaluate any eventuality. Only then plan on your next move. Might come in handy some day...

 

[Goey]

Confront her. Even if this is something that turns you on the reality is she's treating you like a fool.

 

[OnceFuturePoly]

I generally avoid commenting on such personal matters, but will make an exception here. Before you do anything, get in touch with a good divorce lawyer and explain the situation to evaluate any eventuality. Only then plan on your next move. Might come in handy some day...

I forgot about that legal stuff. My first divorce was quite friendly, even though she worked for a lawyer.

My second was a nightmare, starting with the "surprise" service.

In my state, there are definite advantages to being the person to file, such as controlling the pace and writing the draft decree for the judge. Pre-positioning things before filing makes everything easier and avoids extra litigation.

The worst was not having straightened out several money accounts and titles. Her lawyer looked for every issue he could possibly raise, which increased the fees and inserted much delay. The big fight over what they were and who was their actual owner made them inaccessible for nearly a year.

 

[roomfor1more]

I tend to disagree with the posters that state you can change the rules of the marriage and opt for some form of open relationship. In my opinion, that was an option prior to her having an affair and since she is having one, it is an indication that she will not abide by any boundaries. In addition, since she is having an affair, it is a sign that there are problems in the relationship that make any type of open marriage less likely to succeed. Finally, it is my feeling, if you opt for some form of open relationship then you are avoiding the issues in your relationship and most likely, it will only delay the inevitable.

My own feeling, the relationship is more than likely over; unless you are able to get her to agree to end the affair and then talk through the issues. By talking through the issues I do not mean seeing a marriage therapist and I feel, marriage therapists can make things worse instead of better. Instead I mean discussing, in an adult manner, the issues in the relationship, then rebuild the relationship, and only after the relationship has been rebuilt exploring options such as threesomes. Without addressing the issues that exist the relationship is will, most likely, not succeed.

 

[roomfor1more]

Threesome or open relationship is not an option at this point

I tend to disagree with the posters that state you can change the rules of the marriage and opt for some form of open relationship. In my opinion, that was an option prior to her having an affair and since she is having one, it is an indication that she will not abide by any boundaries. In addition, since she is having an affair, it is a sign that there are problems in the relationship that make any type of open marriage less likely to succeed. Finally, it is my feeling, if you opt for some form of open relationship then you are avoiding the issues in your relationship and most likely, it will only delay the inevitable.

My own feeling, the relationship is more than likely over; unless you are able to get her to agree to end the affair and then talk through the issues. By talking through the issues I do not mean seeing a marriage therapist and I feel, marriage therapists can make things worse instead of better. Instead I mean discussing, in an adult manner, the issues in the relationship, then rebuild the relationship, and only after the relationship has been rebuilt exploring options such as threesomes. Without addressing the issues that exist the relationship is will, most likely, not succeed.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I tend to disagree with the posters that state you can change the rules of the marriage and opt for some form of open relationship.

This. I won't say it's impossible, but I wouldn't put a lot of eggs in that basket. Poly relationships require trust and good communication, and it doesn't sound like there's much of that going on just now.

 

[njlauren]

I would give my 2 cents in the simple, I agree with the majority, Confront her about the issue, discuss the issue, work out a solution. There are many solutions to pick from, but since I dont know anything really about you or your wife, I can hardly pick and choose any for you.

Simple answer - Do you still love her? and d o you want her around you / can you bare to be around her after this problem? Once you answer those, you will know what to do.

To all the replies to this topic that commented about the wife, whos at fault, and all that.
Ever hear the old saying, Theres always three sides to every story, The victims, the perpetrators and the Truth.

We know virtually Nothing about the wife except that she POSSIBLY cheated, and is kind of a flirt.
We know virtually Nothing about the husband except that he doesnt spend as much time as home as he might like, and that he got aroused by a fantasy.

We haven't really got the knowledge here to make an accurate description of the issue in question, yes we can offer advice, but we cant say what her reasons are for doing this, perhaps there is some psychological issue in question we do not know, perhaps the husband did or didnt do something, or perhaps shes just cock hungry. We dont know.

Sorry about that last bit, sort of a rant after reading people talk about why she may or may not have done something and putting all the blame on her. Yes, she is guilty, but maybe not as much as we think.

Whatever the cause of her cheating, whatever the reason she felt she needed to sleep with another person (assuming she did), there is one thing she is definitely guilty of, and that is she broke the bond of trust in the relationship because she did this on the sly, without telling her husband or even trying to be honest. Talk to the spouses of those who cheated on them, and they will often tell you the sex wasn't as big as a deal as breaking their trust in their spouse, that no matter what they could trust them, and that often is the deal breaker. The sex often isn't the issue, it was that they couldn't trust the spouse to keep their word. When you partner up with someone, commit to them (I am deliberately not using the word marriage, both for couples who can't or don't want to get married, and also to take the religious side of it out of it), there is a bond of trust there, that you have someone who is there for you, loves you enough to see you through anything and that you know you can rely on them. When someone does something like cheat, it tells the other spouse there is a part or a large part of the relationship that doesn't matter any more to the one who cheated and that is where it goes afoul IMO.

No, I don't know the spouses story, maybe hubby is a cold hearted SOB who never wants to have sex, or maybe he is abusive, maybe he has neglected her....but outside of abuse (and how cheating is going to stop that mystifies me), when someone cheats as she has apparently done, without bothering to try and get what she needs from her husband (even if it is the desire to be with other men), she is telling him he doesn't matter or that she didn't have enough respect to try and make it work where he at least had consent. Or if it she finds him boring sexually or she isn't attracted to him any more, then if there is any love there be honest about it, because it is going to be a lot uglier now that she has gotten caught, and she is going to cause a lot more hurt to him then if she had been honest in the first place. The other thing is this apparently wasn't a one time fling, and she has been doing it in their own home, probably in their own bed, and that (at least to me) is basically giving her husband the middle finger and saying "I have even taken over our bed with my lover".......long term cheating like that is not a fling, it sounds more to me like someone trying to have their cake and eat it, too. It is also one sided, wanna bet if the OP had a fling she would go nuclear over it?

Funny part is, I hope they find some peace with this, I hope the OP finds what he needs, whether it is reconciling with his wife and finding some common path that works for both of them, where they have a new basis for trust......it won't be easy, that much I would be willing to bet money on.

 

[Nightierub]

I hope it works out but you should let her know she gave you a get some pussy free card as well! Good luck.

 

[akatrex]

TV contact www.cheaters.com

 

[LightInTheDark]

She obviously isnt treating you right like you have discovered. In the martial vows she is to be truly yours. However, like others have said you cant make a game out of it but it does need to be addressed.

I truly believe in the saying about how if you cheat you will always be a cheater. Sex should be to be shared with one person especially in a marriage relationship. She has lost your trust. Your choice on how to approach her is totally up to you but know that gaining that trust back for her will hard to never getting it back.

 

[njlauren]

She obviously isnt treating you right like you have discovered. In the martial vows she is to be truly yours. However, like others have said you cant make a game out of it but it does need to be addressed.

I truly believe in the saying about how if you cheat you will always be a cheater. Sex should be to be shared with one person especially in a marriage relationship. She has lost your trust. Your choice on how to approach her is totally up to you but know that gaining that trust back for her will hard to never getting it back.

I don't know if sex is to be shared with only 1 person as long as whatever happens is consensual (and I am not dismissing the poster's belief on that, for many people monogamous relationships are what they believe in and need and it is the way i live my own life). If couples love each other enough and are open and secure enough it is possible to have poly relationships, swing and so forth, though the poster I quote is right in another way, that very few couples IME have the kind of relationship where going outside, swinging, etc, doesn't hurt the primary relationship. In real life, being among a pretty varied group of people who practice a wide range of sexuality (D/s,BD/SM, fetish, you name it) and irl the numbers who actually do poly and such are relatively small (I mean consistently, not a one time threesome or whatever), there are a lot more who are wannabe's who talk big on the net but never do.....(probably smartly).

The OP doesn't sound like that, it sounds like the wife cheated and he is conflicted because in some ways he is turned on by the thought, and that isn't consensual, it isn't poly, it isn't an open marriage, it is to me a guy who has discovered his wife hasn't been honest with him and is having a typical reaction (lot of guys have fantasies about their wife with another guy, but it is that; and when confronted by the fact their wife might have cheated, lot of guys seem to have some sort of automatic reaction that may or may not be being turned on by what happened).

It will be interesting if the OP ever gets back to the board about what happened, I just hope he finds peace, whatever that is.

 

[backseat80]

First and foremost, I would like to thank every single person who took the time to give me advice on this. I may not necessarily agree with every single bit of advice, but the vast majority of it was well thought out. I am very grateful to all of you who took the time to help a stranger.

As an update to the situation, I have confronted her with the evidence which is indisputable. As of now, I have taken a solo vacation in an effort to sort through things and in order to avoid hasty decisions. My contact with her has been next to none so that I can really focus on where to go from here...

 

[JasonDaniel]

Taking a solo vacation from your situation is a wise decision; too often bad decisions are made through hurt, anger and impulse. Taking your time to get away from the sting of betrayal while you contemplate your options is a good decision. I, like everyone else, can only offer suggestions based on what we would do if we were in your situation, but ultimately, you will decide what is best for your future based on the options available to you.

For example: If your wife is done with the marriage and wants to move on with someone else, the decision is pretty much made for you. Your only option at that point would be to find a new direction in your own life. Life after divorce is really not that bad, once you adjust to being single again. On the other hand, if your wife is remorseful for cheating on you, and wants to continue as a monogamous marriage; you might find it in your heart to forgive her and work out the problems that lead to her betrayal. However, whether or not you are able to continue in a monogamous marriage with her is going to depend largely whether or not you have lost respect for her.

If, by an odd circumstance, you should find that she wants to continue the marriage, but you feel that you could never regain the trust and respect necessary for a healthy marriage, in the end, the marriage is pretty much doomed anyway. If this should be the case, this unexpected situation might offer some intriguing opportunities. If in the end, you feel the marriage is ultimately doomed, you might consider using the marriage, (and her), to explore sexual fantasies. (I am sure I will be properly chastised by the ladies of Lit for using the term “using her”, but if you feel that you could never trust or respect her again for betraying you, what-the-hell, why not?) She has apparently already suggested through “liquid induced jokes” that she would not be opposed to “inviting people into our bed, or sharing with friends”.

Finding someone with whom to share sexual fantasies is not as easy as it sounds. It is easy to find someone with whom to explore fantasies, but usually they want to explore their fantasies and not yours. In your situation, you would both be starting from scratch, and being the case, give rise to any opportunity you might want to explore. A word of advice from one man to another: if you decide to use your relationship with her to explore sexual fantasies, “you” have to remain in control. Don’t agree to anything which you are not ready for, or not comfortable with. When you and she plan out an evening or weekend of exploring a particular fantasy, stick with the plan; don’t let her talk you into something you are not ready for in the heat-of-the-moment. If both of you decide that you want to go beyond what was done on a particular evening or weekend, there is always next time. Keep in mind: if you make a mistake, you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube.

Just some thoughts. It would be good to hear what you ultimately decide. If things work out right, you could turn a really bad situation into something really fun. Keep us posted!

 

[njlauren]

Backseat-
My thoughts go with you, these kinds of situations are not easy, I have faced them and it frankly isn't what we necessarily signed on for (mine was other issues, not cheating). I am glad you are taking the time to clear your head and think about what you want/need, that is important. If your wife shows signs of remorse and wants to reconcile, you will need to decide what it would take for that to work for you,and that is critical, that it does. I have seen several people reconcile after this kind of thing happened and often it seemed to me like 'the other' spouse, the one who didn't cause the ruckus, ended up on the shorter end of things. Unfortunately that is something only you can figure out and decide and it is not an easy process.

The fact that you guys haven't been married long has benefits and minuses. The benefit is you don't have a long history of grievances or other things that have festered, and because it is so new you may be able to more easily "wipe the table clean' then let's say a spouse who cheated after 20 years of marriage; that can in the opposite direction make it easier to break things off, when you have spent 20 years with someone, raised kids, can be a lot harder to break away if that is what the person feels. On the other hand, with a short marriage there isn't those 'anchors', shared experiences, etc, so it may make it harder to find common ground.

My wish for you is you find the answer that works best for you and that whatever happens it be as low on pain as possible.

I don't agree with the prior poster, if in fact you think the marriage is doomed, I wouldn't 'use' your wife like that, I can almost guarantee you it would be a lot more painful then fun. You don't stop loving someone instantly and the feelings that will still be there would make anything like that an emotional mind field. If you think your marriage is over in the end, if she doesn't seem interested or your think she isn't sincere or whatever, make the break cleanly and don't look back or get any more involved emotionally then you have to would be my advice.

Please let us know what happens if that isn't too painful for you.