Wife Sharing

[UnderYourSpell]

I'm not quite sure what you're asking for, is it Limericks?
It's always best to put a name to those you quote, as in the one on your signature is by Wayne Fields.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Come on, where did that enthusiasm go?!

 

[oneblueye]

hey ...

Right, so I’m not sure I have the intellectual acumen or vocabulary to be able to learn this stuff, so I may be a lost cause I’m afraid. Here is my attempt, if you think I’m beyond help, let me know and we can call it a day, with no hard feelings.

Life is like a list
Items you tick off
Soon it will be done
Time will have run out
So on to emptiness

a little doom and gloomy but I like it.

 

[oneblueye]

hey ...

Yes but you can flesh that out a bit, it doesn't have to be so truncated, also now that you've got your initial letters you don't need to start each line with a capital, only each sentence. But of course it's your poem you don't have to change it at all, this is just an example.
.
Falling into the abyss with
arms flailing uselessly, it's
impossible to stop, and I feel
life passing me by. I'm gasping
unable to breathe!
Reaching for the past, safety;
end of life, is it bliss?

let me start by saying I do agree, in general, with what Under Your Spell is trying to get across to you about your writing. But you have to remember what is it that you are trying to say and convey not only by what you say but HOW you write it out.
In the case of your first attempt at her recommendation, I liked the short truncated way you wrote it out because that conveyed the flatness of the desperation and depression of the moment that you expressed. You also have to watch that the message' of what you are trying to get across isn't changed by how you write it out.
What you wrote was a statement, how she re-wrote it it then became a question at its conclusion.