Wife withe lesbian tendencies?

[Bubber]

I've been married for 12 years and lately my wife and I have been having more open discussions about how she feels about other women. We have been watching "The L Word" and that has prompted a lot of discussions. She finds women attractive, and could see herself with another woman. She has never said that she would ever do anything but has said she has had fantasies about a coworker in the past and does think about (fantasize) other women from time to time.

Now being a red blooded American male, my first reaction is Right On! But really, would i be willing to add another woman to our bedroom and and would I be upset if i found out she fooled around with another woman? I'm not sure on either count. I would like to have another woman in bed with us and I think I would love to see her enjoying another woman if I was included, but I would still be worried that she might decide she prefers the woman to herself and I don't think I like that idea.

We have not gone so far as to suggest trying anything but have discussed what something like that could mean for a marriage such as ours. I tend to think that, however much fun it would be, it's probably not worth the risk. But it would be fun...

So... What do you guys think of a situation like this. We watch porn together, have great sex and are very comfortable with each other. Should I be worried... is it a passing thing... would we ever add someone else to our bed room and would that be a bad idea? I don't know. Looking for thoughts.

 

[Eilan]

There's an interesting discussion in the Story Ideas forum that might interest you. The comments of CorsetLvr and SweetErika may be particularly relevant to your situation, and I'm sure that one or both of them will eventually chime in on this thread.

The bottom line is that if your wife decides to explore her bisexuality, she may not feel comfortable doing it with you present, at least not the first few times, and her potential partners may not be interested in having a man join in.

As for whether or not you'd ever want another person to join you, who knows? I know from my own experiences that the reality of bringing another person into the bedroom can be quite different from the fantasy.

FWIW, you sound pretty level-headed about the whole thing.

 

[Bubber]

I'm not sure I am comfortable with her exploring bisexuality on her own. We are in a marriage and things like this should be shared. The reality of the experience is what has me wondering. On the surface it sounds like fun. But I don't know how I would feel seeing her with another woman. I KNOW I would not like to see her with a man.

I will check out those threads and thanks for the response.

 

[Snowman5933]

I think its great that the two of you are communicating about this together. Alot of couples never get that far. Openness and the ability to share your feelings is a very important part of any marriage. You sound like me, in the respect that you really want to see your SO happy. Just remember that fantasy and reality are two different worlds. Is your SO having bi-sex fantasies or is this something she desperately wants to experience in real life. There is nothing wrong with having fantasies....we all do, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to explore them.....again, most of us do. From reading your initial post, I sense doubt on your part, and there in lies the problem. The two of you are a team and any fantasies that are going to be explored in real life need to be done together as a team.

A while back I proposed the idea of bringing another man into our bed. I had been having fantasies of watching my SO with another man for a long time. After alot (and I mean this literally) of discussion we proposed this idea to our best friend. We chose him because neither of us were comfortable with the idea of involving a complete stranger. He was shocked to say the least, and alot of discussion followed (for several weeks). We talked through our fantasies, the pros and cons, limits, birth control, past sexual experiences....etc. Make sure your cover all the details, even if you don't think they pertain to you. Planning for the big night was lots of fun (I took her to get her hair and nails done, for a massage, and to victoria secrets shopping for something special for the big night). We were all three scared to death, but the experience was incredible. We have continued with a monthly mfm and its been alot of fun. The have been a few hiccups or bumps in the road, but no major arguments or disagreements. The main thing to remember is to be honest and stay open, discuss little things before they turn into big things. I think it was the right thing for us to do, and it has added alot of fun, anticipation, and excitement to our relationship, but you may or may not have the same results as me. Whatever you do think it over and over. Good luck!

Snowman

 

[Bubber]

Thanks for the help guys. We have not gotten so far as all that yet. The idea to act on any of this has not been brought up yet. She has said she has had fantasies (a few) and she has mentioned that the idea of being with another woman does not turn her off. Far cry from actually trying anything yet. But these discussions have made me wonder how I would feel about this if it did come up. I find myself in the position of being able to encourage this train of thought in her and I haven't decided if that is something I want to do yet. Again, the idea is exciting for me. I believe that if she would be excited too, but long term, is it a good idea? We have a wonderful relationship and sexually very active.

Our relationship was in the dumpers for a couple of years, i have anxiety issues and worked a lot and mostly took her for granted and didn't do enough to keep things fresh. That has changed and even though I still work a lot, we have both been working hard to keep our love fresh an fun. (especially me because I was a little absent for awhile, and am trying to make up for lost time) Perhaps this is a by-product of us re exploring our relationship and ourselves? maybe...

I will encourage her to explore herself and her fantasies, I have decided that, but how active a role I will put myself in that particular fantasy I haven't decided yet.

These thoughts i've written are a little disconected and i apologize, still working things out. It helps to write them down and hear opinions and I thank you for the opportunity for both.

Thanks guys!

 

[SweetErika]

Welcome, fellow Western Washingtonian.

I actually think a threesome can be riskier than one person exploring on their own in a lot of cases. With a threesome, there seems to be more potential for negative feelings and things to go awry, whereas the partner who's not exploring can fantasize and be told about the solo venture, in my experience (assuming everyone's okay with solo exploration, of course). Now, I don't have anything against group activity, and in fact, I find it to be highly enjoyable, but I think it requires another level of preparation and can be more problematic.

My husband was reluctant about supporting me in exploring with women alone. He had some notion that I might like women better and leave him for one. That was an irrational fear - there was no evidence that even might happen, and plenty it wouldn't, so we worked on it. So, I think you owe it to both of you to figure out why you have a problem with your wife exploring her sexuality with women. Ask yourself where any fear, doubt, jealousy, insecurity, etc., are coming from, why you think all exploration must take place inside the marriage, and actually list your concerns, rational or not. Then talk about each one. Allow her to give you her opinions, reassurance, and commit to you.

You don't have to change your mind, but you do have to be open to a complete 180. If you have the kind of marriage you describe, you likely will move on some things, as will she. When we love someone, we support and try to increase their happiness.

 

[SweetErika]

The two of you are a team and any fantasies that are going to be explored in real life need to be done together as a team.

I've thought about this, but never in these exact terms. Even though we explore separately sometimes, we still see it as a team and something we're doing together because without the other's full support and active participation in communicating, working things out, etc., it'd never happen. Not doing it as a team would mean going against the other's will and being hurtful. In essence, every time we choose to support each other in something (sex, relationships, careers, etc.), we see it as teamwork/a joint venture, even if the outcome impacts one of us more than the other. If we no longer see and do it that way, we'll no doubt be dissolving our marriage.

 

[Bubber]

Thanks for responding. You make good points sweet erica. I guess i don't want her exploring on her own because that intimacy we share in bed is ours and the thought that she would be out getting that without me doesn't sit right with me. I object far more to her receiving it from a man than a woman though.... isn't that interesting? That is something i would have to think about for a while. She has never mentioned the desire to be with a woman without me and i don't think she would ask for permission either. I know she would never do it without asking so if this is her fantasy and she wants to see it realized then it will be on ME to pick up on it and offer her. Does that make sense?

The question there is... do i offer if i feel that she wants to do it?

hmmm

will have to think about that for a while...

Very helpful guys and i did read the thread you recommended Eilan. Good thought experiments.

If it is something she really wants (and she has not said as much at this time) then i would love to give it to her, I would rather be there however. It is a turn on to think of her receiving pleasure from another woman and I am pretty sure i would enjoy that. Even if i was only a witness... I think jealousy would be my only issue there.... is she getting something that i could never give... I have a hard time with that idea. Dumb male thing?

 

[SweetErika]

If it is something she really wants (and she has not said as much at this time) then i would love to give it to her, I would rather be there however. It is a turn on to think of her receiving pleasure from another woman and I am pretty sure i would enjoy that. Even if i was only a witness... I think jealousy would be my only issue there.... is she getting something that i could never give... I have a hard time with that idea. Dumb male thing?

Excellent! You're doing exactly what you need to. You know, whether you two ever take this further or not, it doesn't really matter because you will have learned so much more about yourselves and deepened your relationship by simply going through the process and tackling these issues. So, while I know it's hard work, it's also exciting and very worthwhile. I never thought opening our relationship could be good for us as individuals and our marriage, but it's such an intimate and large concept that it has brought us far closer and made us much stronger.

Anyway, the fear of not being enough or everything is very common. We're brought up to think 'there's one person out there who will meet our every need' - it's pervasive in fairytales and church and pop culture, right? Well, as nice of an idea that is sometimes, it's false. We actually have our needs met by many, friends, family, coworkers, etc., so why would sexuality, and even romance be any different?

Certainly you don't have a problem with your wife spending time with girlfriends because you can't meet her needs for female friendship, right? I bet you don't get jealous when you realize you'll never suffice when she needs girltalk or a motherly shoulder to cry on, and that's okay with you. Similarly, (let's just assume she's bi and desires FF sex for a moment) the only way you can meet her need for FF sex is supporting her in doing it, just like you encourage her to go out with her girlfriends or spend time with her family. By supporting our spouses in fulfilling their needs (it doesn't matter whether it's career, recreation, or relationships), we're in the very powerful position of being able to meet their needs ourselves.

So, by supporting your wife in pursuing her FF sex fantasies, you would actually be giving her what she needs. So what if you can't give her everything all by yourself? You're human! But, the important point is that you actually can give her everything by loving her for who she truly is and supporting her in finding that out and the things that add happiness to her life.

If you can't get there, fine, but a loving partner works on it and tries as hard as they can, which it sounds like you're starting to do.

 

[Bubber]

Well, my wife found the thread last night. I knew she would eventually, I just thought that it would be a little longer. (apparently "wife with lesbian tendencies" was a little TOO intriguing for her). She wouldn't read it until i told her to.

She said it was sweet and she felt loved by it. This sparked some conversations. She does consider herself bi-curious. She had never said that before and I was surprised by the admition. I think she felt more comfortable having seen the thread.

While stating that she has no plans and doesn't feel remotely ready to explore those fantasies, she said that she would probably feel more comfortable exploring on her own, meaning private encounters with full disclosure at first, but would never consider someone who would never want to share in our relationship. Her reasoning is that I would be going out on a big limb by consenting to these "explorations" and it wouldn't be right to deny me sharing in them. While I agree with that sentiment, I still need to work on the idea that she would be seeking sexual fulfillment without my presence.

We discussed the logistics of a threesome and interestingly, she never considered how we would all fit in. I told her that if it was with another man, I wouldn't like seeing her make love to him so I imagine that she would feel the same about me with another woman in front of her, but she said she doubted that would make her uncomfortable with a connection between her and that woman. I told her I would be more comfortable with me pleasuring my wife and the second woman helping that goal. She said that while she normally doesn't like being the center of attention, that sure sounded nice!

Nothing will happen in this arena in the near future, but we are learning more about ourselves and each other and that is fun. This concept still needs work with us but we are thus far enjoying the journey.

Incidentally, I got the best blowjob last night that I've ever had. So there are already benefits to this.

Sweet Erica, I used to live in Arlington WA. Moved about a year ago, just never updated my profile. She said you sounded VERY sweet and reading this thread was fun for her. The act of writing out these thoughts and feelings has been helpful for me and, apparently her as well so I wish to thank everybody again for their help here.

THANKS

 

[TNMoggy]

Hehee-this is the wife here...

Wow...it was such a surprise to run across this post when I did. I was totally willing to let hubby keep this post and the replies to himself...I have been both here and shybi to look into things myself... Anyway he did insist that I read the thread and it has really helped me open up and helped him understand me more. Both very good things.

I need to mention that our past troubles were certainly two sided...so many factors that made things hard for both of us. It's nearly impossible to get back to good sometimes...and I feel so very lucky to have a husband who cared enough to try, and to be willing to go out on this limb with me. Our relationship is quite possibly better than it has ever been.

I had hinted towards my attractions to women in the past, but hints don't typically go very far with guys...hehee. I guess completely misread his reactions...or perhaps his reactions are different now that WE are again on solid footing. Hubby has been finding pretty pictures for me, looking for porn he thinks will appeal to me, and looking (just for curiousity sake at this point in time) at the online personal sites to see who's out there . Even if I (we) never fully explore these possibilities, the fact that he cared enough to inquire here, and the amount of support I am getting has done nothing but further our connection, trust, love, and passion. I am trying to reassure him that no matter where this takes us...I love him deeply and am not looking to replace ANY part of our relationship and connection. Just maybe add to it.

Thanks so much for your insights, especially you, Sweet Erika. I found myself wishing we were still in Washington so we could get together sometime. We miss living there, although not this time of year! BTW I read your story, it was awesome...are you planning to write more? It was so nice, passionate, well written. Thank you for sharing.

Moggy

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks so much for your insights, especially you, Sweet Erika. I found myself wishing we were still in Washington so we could get together sometime. We miss living there, although not this time of year! BTW I read your story, it was awesome...are you planning to write more? It was so nice, passionate, well written. Thank you for sharing.

Moggy

I'm glad you found it helpful and are both doing so well!

And, thank you so much for the feedback on my story! Yes, I'm planning on writing more; right now it's just a matter of waiting for the ideas and inspiration to strike.

Let me know if you ever come back up here to visit, and we'll do coffee or something.