Women of Lit: A Safe Place To Share

[FrenchLopBunny]

Well, I see that the trash has been taken out thanks to ToPleaseHim and this little cupcake.

 

[dombeotch]

I've been lucky so far. I haven't had any belligerent guys PMing me. A few who didn't bother to read my profile but when I mention I'm a lesbian they've pretty much all just stopped chatting which is fine with me.

Good for you hun.

 

[genzsub]

Good for you hun.

I don't know if I should read that sarcasticly.

 

[dombeotch]

I don't know if I should read that sarcasticly.

Not at all. No one should deal with unwanted advances, or something they don't want. Woman, or man. Especially after telling them your not interested or don't want to participate in it.

 

[dombeotch]

Night ladies, pleasant dreams

 

[Desiree_Radcliffe]

I need to vent, if that is OK.

There is a person with whom I'd engage in voice occasionally. We've interacted over at least four years. My memory is bad when it comes to that period. This person is a person who violates boundaries. A lot. I was in a very bad state and he manipulated me into engaging with him, even though he is married. I spent time after every session thinking about how I hated myself, and about how I would feel if I were his wife.

Things got intense, and then would wane for months or more. Most of the waning was because I would feel revolted, so I'd not talk. I consistently told him that I didn't like what we did, even though I was occasionally doing it with him, and he'd override my boundaries again and manipulate me into doing things.

Having said all that, tonight I asked him if he had ethics. He answered some questions, then I mentioned the self-loathing I felt every time after we engaged. To him, this was a surprise and a shock, though throughout our interactions, I'd always illustrated that I hated myself and I hated him, to some extent. He said he thought I was playing that up. The truth was, I was being serious all along.

So I told him I thought it would be good to end it. He agreed. I think it chilled him, but I'd been telling him all along.

I am tired and I hated that he was able to manipulate me like that, and that I was not strong enough to tell him to fuck off in a way that would have saved myself.

 

[stickygirl]

I need to vent, if that is OK.

There is a person with whom I'd engage in voice occasionally. We've interacted over at least four years. My memory is bad when it comes to that period. This person is a person who violates boundaries. A lot. I was in a very bad state and he manipulated me into engaging with him, even though he is married. I spent time after every session thinking about how I hated myself, and about how I would feel if I were his wife.

Things got intense, and then would wane for months or more. Most of the waning was because I would feel revolted, so I'd not talk. I consistently told him that I didn't like what we did, even though I was occasionally doing it with him, and he'd override my boundaries again and manipulate me into doing things.

Having said all that, tonight I asked him if he had ethics. He answered some questions, then I mentioned the self-loathing I felt every time after we engaged. To him, this was a surprise and a shock, though throughout our interactions, I'd always illustrated that I hated myself and I hated him, to some extent. He said he thought I was playing that up. The truth was, I was being serious all along.

So I told him I thought it would be good to end it. He agreed. I think it chilled him, but I'd been telling him all along.

I am tired and I hated that he was able to manipulate me like that, and that I was not strong enough to tell him to fuck off in a way that would have saved myself.

I'm sorry you've been through that I guess we all pick up dirt on our shoes, so we try to be careful where we step next time. Don't feel bad if someone else didn't pick up after their dog... ( I think that might be enough analogies! ) Sending a *hug*
Guys don't do subtle. You can write "Fuck off and don't contact me again!!" and they'll assume from the double '!!' that you were joking. Slam a door in their face and they'll assume you like rough sex. They have whackamole imaginations that are fuelled by sexual fantasy.
When you eventually got through to him by painting three foot high letters, it sounds like he went all "Oh shit, I never realised. Thanks for letting me know where I stand, dude"
Three foot high letters
Preferably on their car.

 

[dombeotch]

I need to vent, if that is OK.

There is a person with whom I'd engage in voice occasionally. We've interacted over at least four years. My memory is bad when it comes to that period. This person is a person who violates boundaries. A lot. I was in a very bad state and he manipulated me into engaging with him, even though he is married. I spent time after every session thinking about how I hated myself, and about how I would feel if I were his wife.

Things got intense, and then would wane for months or more. Most of the waning was because I would feel revolted, so I'd not talk. I consistently told him that I didn't like what we did, even though I was occasionally doing it with him, and he'd override my boundaries again and manipulate me into doing things.

Having said all that, tonight I asked him if he had ethics. He answered some questions, then I mentioned the self-loathing I felt every time after we engaged. To him, this was a surprise and a shock, though throughout our interactions, I'd always illustrated that I hated myself and I hated him, to some extent. He said he thought I was playing that up. The truth was, I was being serious all along.

So I told him I thought it would be good to end it. He agreed. I think it chilled him, but I'd been telling him all along.

I am tired and I hated that he was able to manipulate me like that, and that I was not strong enough to tell him to fuck off in a way that would have saved myself.

He was using you for himself all along, from day one he was manipulating you into what he wanted and not caring or being compassionate as to how you felt or how it was affecting you either psychologically, or physically. You may have enjoyed it at times but realizing it was wrong your guilt far outweighed any benefit. The gaps in getting together were probably him wanting either variety or you not fitting into his schedule. Either way if he was a caring or compassionate individual he would have seen the effect on you if he truly cared. You deserve credit for realizing the damage he and you were doing and ending it. You're the stronger person for it,and we all support you.

 

[JennyCapricorn]

Hubby and I split the cooking usually.

…

Hubby cooks healthy but always makes sure I have some chocolate too...

my hubby and I also split the cooking. (When our eldest was still at home she also did one night a week.) It’s just wonderful to have the days when I don’t have to worry about it, or when I’m supposed to and just can’t and he can step in and do the whole meal. But the most intensely romantic and sensual thing is when we have the time and space to cook something together.

We will do these elaborate menu gatherings where each of us are working around the other in the kitchen making 3 courses a piece. Touching and kissing while we do it. And then I begrudge the guests arrival because I now want to do something else …

So you’re lucky to have him. (Your mom? Well that’s a different issue)

 

[JennyCapricorn]

I'm in a bit of a mess. I'm a lesbian. When men contact me as soon as they do I let them know I'm a lesbian. But we can still chat, or talk. Eventually they will try to convert me... never happening. Now I understand why some lesbians despise men. I don't want to be like that but it's difficult.

That’s infuriating. They are all so damn sure their magic wand can change you. Assholes. Block and move on.

I don’t despise all men. But some of them raise their hand and demand the honor.

 

[JennyCapricorn]

He was using you for himself all along, from day one he was manipulating you into what he wanted and not caring or being compassionate as to how you felt or how it was affecting you either psychologically, or physically. You may have enjoyed it at times but realizing it was wrong your guilt far outweighed any benefit. The gaps in getting together were probably him wanting either variety or you not fitting into his schedule. Either way if he was a caring or compassionate individual he would have seen the effect on you if he truly cared. You deserve credit for realizing the damage he and you were doing and ending it. You're the stronger person for it,and we all support you.

Dombeotch said this perfectly so I’m just going to echo it.

 

[Desiree_Radcliffe]

I'm sorry you've been through that I guess we all pick up dirt on our shoes, so we try to be careful where we step next time. Don't feel bad if someone else didn't pick up after their dog... ( I think that might be enough analogies! ) Sending a *hug*
Guys don't do subtle. You can write "Fuck off and don't contact me again!!" and they'll assume from the double '!!' that you were joking. Slam a door in their face and they'll assume you like rough sex. They have whackamole imaginations that are fuelled by sexual fantasy.
When you eventually got through to him by painting three foot high letters, it sounds like he went all "Oh shit, I never realised. Thanks for letting me know where I stand, dude"
Three foot high letters
Preferably on their car.

Right. It was incredibly bizarre. He thought the whole time that my no was yes. I wasn't subtle at all about it. I hated him, but I also hated myself. I am so glad for it to be over, though, finally.

 

[Desiree_Radcliffe]

He was using you for himself all along, from day one he was manipulating you into what he wanted and not caring or being compassionate as to how you felt or how it was affecting you either psychologically, or physically. You may have enjoyed it at times but realizing it was wrong your guilt far outweighed any benefit. The gaps in getting together were probably him wanting either variety or you not fitting into his schedule. Either way if he was a caring or compassionate individual he would have seen the effect on you if he truly cared. You deserve credit for realizing the damage he and you were doing and ending it. You're the stronger person for it,and we all support you.

I completely agree. It didn't help that the time that this started was right after I had been assaulted IRL. I was in a very weak spot. I feel really dumb for having let it go on for that long, even with the gaps. And yes, there were times I thought I enjoyed it, but as you say, the shit far outweighed the benefit. I literally expressed that I have been having daily thoughts of "unsubscribing" from life, and his response was so insanely blase that it triggered me to ask if he had any ethics later.

 

[Desiree_Radcliffe]

I appreciate the thoughtful commentary and support you have offered. I haven't wasted any tears on this. I am mostly just bemused that he never took my "no" seriously.

 

[JennyCapricorn]

I appreciate the thoughtful commentary and support you have offered. I haven't wasted any tears on this. I am mostly just bemused that he never took my "no" seriously.

For some god unknown reason so many men are socialized not to. No means “keep trying” or “I’m only pretending to not want this” until you write GET YOUR FUCKING SELF AWAY FROM ME in letters 3 feet high on their car, and then they get affronted for your changing your mind and not being clear.

For what it’s worth what I see of the young men in my daughter’s generation they are better than the ones in mine. Far from perfect but I can hope the arc is bending.

 

[dombeotch]

I completely agree. It didn't help that the time that this started was right after I had been assaulted IRL. I was in a very weak spot. I feel really dumb for having let it go on for that long, even with the gaps. And yes, there were times I thought I enjoyed it, but as you say, the shit far outweighed the benefit. I literally expressed that I have been having daily thoughts of "unsubscribing" from life, and his response was so insanely blase that it triggered me to ask if he had any ethics later.

Hun you took your life back. You know you have a clean slate and are going to write your own future. Being attacked and used afterwards are in the past. They stay there, you have a future and there's not a single person here that's not willing to help you in anyway we can. A kind word ,encouragement, a ear to listen,discussing options, or tons and tons of virtual hugs. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU !

 

[Desiree_Radcliffe]

Hun you took your life back. You know you have a clean slate and are going to write your own future. Being attacked and used afterwards are in the past. They stay there, you have a future and there's not a single person here that's not willing to help you in anyway we can. A kind word ,encouragement, a ear to listen,discussing options, or tons and tons of virtual hugs. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU !

Thank you so very much. I super appreciate it. Four years later I am still trying to work through the trauma. I am trying very, very, very hard to make a life for myself and find a reason to live again. It's like having my head pushed down constantly when I am trying to surface for air.

Also, I am starting to work on embracing my asexuality. I think pretending to be heterosexual my whole life has been a big reason why I have been unhappy.

 

[Desiree_Radcliffe]

For some god unknown reason so many men are socialized not to. No means “keep trying” or “I’m only pretending to not want this” until you write GET YOUR FUCKING SELF AWAY FROM ME in letters 3 feet high on their car, and then they get affronted for your changing your mind and not being clear.

For what it’s worth what I see of the young men in my daughter’s generation they are better than the ones in mine. Far from perfect but I can hope the arc is bending.

I think a lot of it is definitely a character flaw in older generations. Though I've also been creepily manipulated by younger men too. So it's very YMMV.

 

[dombeotch]

Thank you so very much. I super appreciate it. Four years later I am still trying to work through the trauma. I am trying very, very, very hard to make a life for myself and find a reason to live again. It's like having my head pushed down constantly when I am trying to surface for air.

Also, I am starting to work on embracing my asexuality. I think pretending to be heterosexual my whole life has been a big reason why I have been unhappy.

Before you can be honest with others, you have to be honest with yourself ! Only you can determine who and what you are. Others try to define us. But only we can be true to ourselves!

 

[Desiree_Radcliffe]

Before you can be honest with others, you have to be honest with yourself ! Only you can determine who and what you are. Others try to define us. But only we can be true to ourselves!

It's true. Like, it's only been in the past few years that I realized I am ace. Like, the societal pushes here have been difficult, and I just assumed I was heterosexual because I tended to be intellectually attracted to men. But, like, I never, ever wanted to get married. I never wanted to live with someone. I never even had fantasies about that. It was just that I sort of assumed I was straight because asexuality was not something ever talked about, even as an option of a way to be.

 

[dombeotch]

It's true. Like, it's only been in the past few years that I realized I am ace. Like, the societal pushes here have been difficult, and I just assumed I was heterosexual because I tended to be intellectually attracted to men. But, like, I never, ever wanted to get married. I never wanted to live with someone. I never even had fantasies about that. It was just that I sort of assumed I was straight because asexuality was not something ever talked about, even as an option of a way to be.

The outside pressures, and influences mold our lives and futures sometimes. People and environments can be very rigid in forming us and our future.

 

[dombeotch]

Time to start my day. Everyone enjoy your day!

 

[forgotmyantidepressants]

That’s infuriating. They are all so damn sure their magic wand can change you. Assholes. Block and move on.

I don’t despise all men. But some of them raise their hand and demand the honor.

You could put that one on a t shirt

 

[genzsub]

I need to vent, if that is OK.

There is a person with whom I'd engage in voice occasionally. We've interacted over at least four years. My memory is bad when it comes to that period. This person is a person who violates boundaries. A lot. I was in a very bad state and he manipulated me into engaging with him, even though he is married. I spent time after every session thinking about how I hated myself, and about how I would feel if I were his wife.

Things got intense, and then would wane for months or more. Most of the waning was because I would feel revolted, so I'd not talk. I consistently told him that I didn't like what we did, even though I was occasionally doing it with him, and he'd override my boundaries again and manipulate me into doing things.

Having said all that, tonight I asked him if he had ethics. He answered some questions, then I mentioned the self-loathing I felt every time after we engaged. To him, this was a surprise and a shock, though throughout our interactions, I'd always illustrated that I hated myself and I hated him, to some extent. He said he thought I was playing that up. The truth was, I was being serious all along.

So I told him I thought it would be good to end it. He agreed. I think it chilled him, but I'd been telling him all along.

I am tired and I hated that he was able to manipulate me like that, and that I was not strong enough to tell him to fuck off in a way that would have saved myself.

I go to sleep and wake up to such a heartbreaking story and such great responses! I just want to hug all of you, some to give comfort and some out of gratitude for being here.

My heart aches for what you went through @Desiree_Radcliffe but I can so identify with your struggles with your sexuality. So many of my friends struggled with accepting that they aren't hetero only to feel set free once they came to grips with it and allowed themselves to say, "fuck society's expectations." I know this might sound trite but sometimes people just need to hear this: You are NOT broken. There is nothing wrong with you. You are worthy of love even if it is not sexual. You do NOT deserve whatever shit some guy puts you through for their own pleasure.

 

[JennyCapricorn]

Ok mini vent: a guy PMs me out of the blue
Him: your husband is a lucky man
Me: I know he is but what makes you say that
Him: I also like to get pegged
Me: ah. Well good luck finding someone
Him: oh. Ok.

Dude how did you think this was going to go? I don’t know you! You just reach out out of the blue with no direction and then what? I’m gonna yank out my strap on and give you my address? How was this playing out in your head?