Writing exercise: show us your style

[StillStunned]

I didn't. I looked at the OP and thought, I don't have time for this. My muse had delivered a "piled on" idea today and I had more than enough to write. And then, of course, what I started writing was the response to this exercise.

Just a tiny sliver of extra writing...

 

[Kumquatqueen]

It transpires that I'm not married to @StillStunned , and KumquatConsort now thinks I'm even more mad than ever (tbf, he thinks that about every other day!)

Anyone who liked that style and likes incest with their hiking may enjoy Only One Bed, Again! - or for a couple enjoying the outdoors, Into the Woods.

 

[samhasstories]

It transpires that I'm not married to @StillStunned , and KumquatConsort now thinks I'm even more mad than ever (tbf, he thinks that about every other day!)

I'm enjoying the hypothetical Abbott and Costello conversation playing out.

"Are you StillStunned?"

"What do you mean am I still stunned? When was I stunned before?"

 

[CockSparrow]

It was getting late. By the time that Jack and Jill emerged from the woods, at the spot overlooking the stream, the sun was already kissing the horizon.

‘Nice,’ Jill said. ‘A nice place for a picnic.’

Jack nodded. ‘And very private. Yes, we shall have to come back,’ he said with a grin. ‘But now we need to get back to the cabin. While there’s still enough light to see the track.’

* * *

‘Are we going to take another look at that picnic spot?’ Jill asked when they awoke the following morning.

‘Oh, I think so,’ Jack said.

‘Then I’ll make some sandwiches,’ his wife said.

Jack smiled and nodded. ‘And we’ll take a blanket. And some wine. Pinot Gris.’

* * *

When Jack and Jill emerged from the woods the second time, someone had pitched a tent beside the stream. ‘Damn,’ Jack said. ‘I wasn’t counting on company.’

‘It’s all right,’ his wife said. ‘I’m sure we can find a spot a bit further upstream.’

But then a man emerged from the tent. Naked. ‘Perfect,’ the man said, as he rearranged his cock. ‘Are you coming?’ he called out.

‘Not yet,’ a woman’s voice called back. ‘But I’m sure that I will be.’

The man laughed and took a couple of paces towards the stream. And then he was joined by a woman. She was also naked. Together, the naked man and woman stepped into the stream and stood, the woman with her back towards the man, with the water swirling around their lower legs. The woman spread her feet slightly, and the man reached forward, between her thighs, and placed a hand on her exposed cunt.

‘Fuck me,’ Jack muttered, quietly.

‘Or you could fuck me,’ Jill said.

 

[mildlyaroused]

I didn't say much about my writing process, because there wasn't that much to say.

The part of the story which immediately leapt out at me was the sound of gravel underfoot. The crunch-crunch-crunch is such a simple yet memorable sound. When people are walking in silence on gravel, it starts to become a sort of rhythm. So the idea of a strange (and unreal) marching procession came to me. I like that image.

Jill likes that image too. So I made her a painter. Then introduced a little conflict: there have been arguments. We don't yet know what they are, but we know they exist. There is no flirting or erotic suggestions. Our characters will have to work through their argument before those elements come into play.

For 250 words, I was as focussed or more so on the language rather than the story. I like to bring rhythm into my prose, so I chose sentences such as "So they march on, up to the top of the hill: Jill with her full bottle, and Jack with his empty bottle." This sort of rhythm and repetition is reminiscent in some ways of storybooks or nursery rhymes (which is fitting). The image of the following process also fits that sort of tone.

It was present tense. That's nothing unusual for me (maybe controversial). I find the present tense more beautiful. And it was close third-person, not first person, but that didn't really affect anything.

All in all, it's pretty indicative of what I tend to write. A focus on imagery and prose, sparing use of dialogue, slightly dreamy tone. I would say to fit the 250 words I made the character work more immediate, and less subtle. I still think it works.

 

[Cagivagurl]

Is anyone up for an exercise in exploring different styles?

Here's the idea. Below is the outline of a story. Anyone who wants can write their own opening paragraphs (say max. 250-ish words). Decide for yourself where you want your version to begin, whose point of view you want to follow. Whether you want to write in 1P or 3P (or even 2P, if you're feeling particularly bold). Present tense or past tense, it's up to you. Whether it would be plot-heavy or just a stroker. That kind of stuff.

So the story outline:
Husband and wife Jack and Jill are out for a walk in the countryside. They crest a rise, and see a stream below them. There's a tent, and a naked couple emerge from the tent and have sex in the stream. Jack and Jill can't keep their hands off each other as they watch.

Remember: to keep it short, let's confine ourselves to the story's opening (again: max. 250-ish words), although where you want to begin is up to you.

If you want, add a note about why you made particular choices.

Also, let's try and keep it respectful. Feedback and criticism are welcome, but don't be nasty about it. If you think you can do better, show us!

(Tip: try not to read anyone else's version before you write your own.)

Right at the top of this page is a separate thread for writers challenges.
Why didn't you put this in there?
The thread already contains many writer defined challenges.

Cagivagurl

 

[lustychimera]

What a fun idea with the prompt! Exactly 250 words plus about 72.

Those two were supposed to be fishing, Old Henry-Henry and Mr. Ross. That was what we'd left them to do.

“Got dangit! I forgot my lucky lure,” Old Henry had said earlier. He sucked in a breath and squinted out yonder, way back the way we came—over the big hill, through the pasture, down the aqueduct, and under the train bridge. Had to be at least five miles to the truck.

But him and Mr. Ross had paid for the trip, so me and Jil volunteered to hustle back to the truck to fetch his damn lures, as in literally hustle. The electric fish feeder was set to go off in a couple hours, the one that Parks and Rec had fixed to a stake out in the middle of the stream, and those feeding times were one of the rare occasions when the big cats left their mud holes.

Hour and a half later, me and Jill hiked back over the hill, carrying Old Henry’s stupid yellow spinner lures. I was just about to crest the peak when Jill put her hand on my chest. “Stop.”

She whispered that part, so I whispered mine right back. “What? Badger? Bear? Snake?”

“Er.” She pointed over to the pond that was still about a hundred yards away. “The moon?”

Do what now? I shielded my eyes and squinted down. An old bleach white ass waded into the stream; not a shred of clothing on that body save for a pair of waders. That ass belonged to Old Henry. But where was Mr.—

Some river monster splashed out of the water right in front of Old Henry and bit down right between his legs. He cried out! In pain—no, hol’ up. That was for joy! And that was when I noticed Mr. Ross’ head bobbing back and forth between Old Henry’s legs.

(As for what I did and why, I think wet old man ass speaks for itself.)

 

[mildlyaroused]

Right at the top of this page is a separate thread for writers challenges.
Why didn't you put this in there?
The thread already contains many writer defined challenges.

Cagivagurl

The threads on the writer's challenges forum are generally more lighthearted and playful. They're shorter, and most of them are more like fun writing games than full discussions about passages. Also a lot of people on AH would probably miss the thread if it was posted there!

 

[Cagivagurl]

The threads on the writer's challenges forum are generally more lighthearted and playful. They're shorter, and most of them are more like fun writing games than full discussions about passages. Also a lot of people on AH would probably miss the thread if it was posted there!

That may be true, however my thoughts would be to put threads in the correct place rather than filling one thread with everything...
Reduce clutter....
I note occasionally people posting requests for feedback in the AH, when there is a separate forum for feedback....
Personally, when I open the AH, I look for new threads, but see a long list of open threads and another one doesn't really help...
Just my thoughts....

Cagivagurl

 

[ElectricBlue]

Take two.

Le café au sommet de la colline

"What are all those people doing?" Jacqueline asked, leaning over the railing, her right foot raised as she stretched out to see.

"What people, Jacks?" Jilly replied, glancing up from the small table, with the number 32 on the sign.

"That lot down there. There's a bunch of people climbing up the hill, all in a straight line. I wonder why? The path's wide enough for two, side by side."

Jilly got up to look. "Well, that's obvious. They're checking out the ass in front. I bet it always the bloke, walking behind."

Jacks laughed. "We should get down there. We've got the best asses, you and me."

Just then the waitress came out with their coffees, and two biscuits on a small plate.

"Do you know what that's all about, those people down there?" Jacqueline asked, always curious like a cat.

"No idea," replied Lizzie, the name on her breast, on a label. It was a hot sticky day, and she blew a lock of fair hair away from her cheek, where it was stuck, a delicate curl, coiled tight. When she walked away from the table, the two women saw a darker mark down the back of her white blouse, marking the line of her spine.

"Poor thing," said Jacks, "having to work in this heat."

Inside, Lizzie took a carafe of water in her hand and pressed the side of it against her throat, to cool her hot skin. She then filled ten more carafes full of water. Those folk, if they came here, would need it.

My first go at this was typical of me, not wanting to write like everyone else.

But here's a second go, where I tick off typical EB tropes:

1. A cafe.

2. in media res. Why do the long walk up the hill, when you can be at the top, straight away?

3. two women, no ages given, but we know they're good friends, because one has the pet name, Jacks.

4. also Jacqueline, my predilection for a long, multi syllable name.

5. both Jilly and Lizzie are from previous stories, my interconnected world.

6. tiny visual details: the raised foot, the sign on the table, the coil of hair on Lizzie's cheek, the intimate detail of sweat down her spine, the white blouse, and her throat and hot skin. She's been observed, the male gaze. It's erotica, someone needs to get sexual, early.

7. Self referential. They all know their tropes. Adam and Ruby will be along soon, if they're not there already (but I'd gone past 250 words).

 

[MajorRewrite]

Thought process:

Jack and Jill.
Must include hill and tumbling down said hill in story.
Let’s throw Mom and Dad in for kinky amusement.

Done.

I am not a deep thinker.

 

[THBGato]

My thoughts:

Not interested in writing about straight couples, so I need to turn this into a Lesbian story asap. I could make Jack female, but the instructions stated husband, so... okay, Jill is thinking about the girl (Penny) she is having an affair with.

Want some symbolism appropriate to being outdoors. This isn't a happy story so... Magpies. one for sorrow, three for a girl.

Now, a bit more double entendre ("affairs" "Penny"). A scattering of anaphora and onomatopoeia. Done.

That's probably 250 words already.

 

[StillStunned]

Right at the top of this page is a separate thread for writers challenges.
Why didn't you put this in there?
The thread already contains many writer defined challenges.

Cagivagurl

A couple of reasons.

First, this isn't a "writers' challenge". It's an exercise for us to show off our styles and approaches, and maybe in the long term learn from each other.

Second, I can't be the only one here who never clicks on the Challenges subforum. There doesn't seem to be much activity. This thread had about 20 versions of the same story within twelve hours. Like it or not, this is where the writers hang out. If I'd even considered posting this in the subforum, I'd have had to post a thread here directing people to it.

Again, and most importantly, I see this thread as a writerly discussion. But if @AH_Mod disagrees, they can move the thread.

 

[StillStunned]

Want some symbolism appropriate to being outdoors. This isn't a happy story so... Magpies. one for sorrow, three for a girl.

I was wondering how many other people knew the rhyme. It added a very profound touch to your version.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

I was wondering how many other people knew the rhyme. It added a very profound touch to your version.

Every Brit of a certain age, even if they didn't watch Magpie on TV.

..."five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret never to be told."

 

[THBGato]

Every Brit of a certain age, even if they didn't watch Magpie on TV.

..."five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret never to be told."

Yep! Plus anyone who bought the Counting Crows album "August and Everything After" in the 90s.

 

[nice90sguy]

Right at the top of this page is a separate thread for writers challenges.
Why didn't you put this in there?
The thread already contains many writer defined challenges.

Cagivagurl

I never noticed that! -- and I've posting here for years; come to think of it that probably answers your question as to why it wasn't posted there