LITEROTICA PODCAST
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Your Best (or Worst) Crude Jokes

A guy's walking past a shop that has a sign on it saying "Handjobs- 50p, pies £1". He goes in and goes up to the counter where a busty, blonde is standing.
"Are you the one that does the handjobs?" He asks.
She replies, "Yeah."
"Then wash your fucking hands, I want a pie."

----

A man with a black eye boards his plane and finds his seat next to another man who also has a black eye. Out of curiousity, he turns to the man and asks how he got it.
"At the ticket desk there was a brunette with huge tits," he replies, "And instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh, I asked for a ticket to Tittsburgh."
"I got mine like that too. I meant to say to my wife 'could you pass me the cereal?' when instead I said 'you ruined my life you fat cow'."

Ehehe :D I love jokes.
 
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
 
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call!
 
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
 
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Before she left, her mother had warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house, but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"

Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!"

"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"
 
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.

"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second.

"I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic" he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
 
A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore."

"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."

"Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language."

"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.

"Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?"

The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?"

The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says

"Hey, alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake, is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars."

The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"
 
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
 
A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
 
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."




Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"




The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."




Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.




She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.




He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
turns to her and says, First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."




He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's
have a nice cup of tea, and then," he says with a deep sigh . . .




>


>


>~


>


>


>


"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
 
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
 
Three blonds were walking in the forest when they came upon some tracks running through the path. They all stop to look at them.

The first blond says, "Awwww! Look at the cute bunny tracks!"

The second one says, " Are you kidding? Those are deer tracks, no doubt about it!"

The third one says, "You two are both wrong Their bear tracks, look how big they are!"


They kept arguing until the train hit them.
 
Got one for Dave. Stolen from The Master, George, himself:

If you practice throwing the discus alone, you have to go get it yourself.
 
Did you hear about the gay fellow who put a nicotine patch on his pecker?

Well he is down to two butts a day.
 
These two guys go camping, and after two weeks, decide they need a break from each other. So they decide to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the campsite.

When they return, the first guy says, "I had the most wonderful time! I hiked for a few miles, and found a beautiful little stream in a valley. There was a little deer, drinking out of the stream.it was wonderful! I spend the whole three days there."

"Well, that's okay," says the second guy, "but check _this_ out. I followed some train tracks, and found a gorgeous girl, tied to the tracks! I untied her, and we had the most amazing sex, for three days, in every imaginable position!"

"Wow!" says the first guy, envious. "Did she give you oral sex?"

"No," says the second guy. "I couldn't find her head."
 
A man and a woman who hadn't know each other long decided to get married. They were sitting by the hotel pool on their honeymoon when the man suddenly stood up and started doing magnificent dives. A crowd gathered and started oohing and ahing. He finished his dives and came over to sit next to his wife. "That was amazing!", she said. "I never knew you could dive like that!" Her new husband replied "There's a lot about me you don't know. I used to be an Olympic diver."

A few moments later the wife stands up, dives into the pool, and starts swimming laps, faster and faster. Again a crowd gathers as they've never seen anyone swim quite like this. After a bit she stops, gets out of the pool, and sits by her husband. "Wow! I didn't know you could swim that fast!" To which she says "There's a lot about me you don't know. I used to be a prostitute in Venice and worked both sides of the street!"
 
I love this thread. I've nothing to add at the moment, but I love it.
 
Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each
other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

And the second kid says, 'Whoa, Good luck, buddy - I had that done when I
was born...............
Couldn't walk for a year.'
 
Cattypuss said:
Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each
other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

And the second kid says, 'Whoa, Good luck, buddy - I had that done when I
was born...............
Couldn't walk for a year.'
Click to expand...
Haha! AWESOME! :D
 
What are Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon and Ted Kennedy getting for Christmas this year?





Patrick Swayze
 
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It’s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It’d be so great. When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It’d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn’t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What’s left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."
 
CurlyKat said:
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It’s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It’d be so great. When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It’d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn’t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What’s left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."
Click to expand...

That is a fantastic joke :D
 
HAHAHA! thanks for the laugh... it's exactly what i needed on this bland friday afternoon...

keep them coming... and if i have any i will add :)

thanks :)
 
A man was walking along the street and stumbled upon a ladder leading into the clouds.
As curiosity took over he decided to climb the ladder.
He finally reached a cloud and as he climbed into it he saw a rather plump, very ugly woman perched on a pile of cushions.
"Make love to me or climb the ladder to success" She said
No Contest thought the man, and he continued to climb until he reached another cloud.
On this cloud there was a fairly average woman, slightly easier on the eye.
"make love to me now or climb the ladder to success" She said
seeing there was a slight improvement he thought he might just be tempted but he turned her down and continued to climb the ladder.
On the next cloud was an even more attractive woman.
Make love to me now or climb the ladder to success she said.
As he turned her down and continued up the ladder, the man couldn't help but think about how this was getting better and better the further he went.. wondering what would be at the next cloud.
He couldn't beleive his eyes, there on the next cloud lay a beautiful woman. his dream girl! slim yet volumptious in all the right places.
Fuck me here and now or climb the ladder to success she purred.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting on the next cloud, the man decided to take a gamble and turned her down.
As he climbed his imagination was running wild with possibilities.
When he reached the next cloud, there lay a 400 pound ugly man, the stench was nausiating, there were flies buzzing round his head.
"Who are you?asked the man.
"Hello" said the ugly man "I'm Cess"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

L
Leahaven
39 40 41
Replies
1K
Views
46K
subdudeme13
subdudeme13
BillTheKatt90
DIY Furniture
2
Replies
25
Views
3K
BillTheKatt90
BillTheKatt90
B
Keeping busy to quit smoking
Replies
2
Views
94
Carnevil9
Carnevil9
BiBunny
Bunny's Stuffie Corner
63 64 65
Replies
2K
Views
65K
BiBunny
BiBunny
MelissaBaby
The Best Satire I've Read in a Long Time
Replies
17
Views
431
Bramblethorn
Bramblethorn
Back
Top