2009 Survivor Bonus Round Challenge #1: Valentine's Day.

[GuiltyPleasure]

Valentine proposal

My love your eyes are blue as Caribbe Sea
They sparkle in the splash of sun and star
With humour and the love I yearn to see.

Not content to worship from afar
I spread my adoration at your feet
It sparkles with the splash of sun and star

Rejection surely would be bittersweet
For I myself have nothing left to lose
As I spread my adoration at your feet

I humbly ask you now to choose
Your lover, partner, only Valentine
For I myself have nothing left to lose

We would walk together as our lives entwine
Share with me this future now I plead
Your lover, partner, only Valentine.

Share with me this future now I plead
My love with eyes as blue as Caribbe Sea
I offer you my dreams, my love and mortgage deed
With humour and the love you surely see.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

not sure if 'thine' is the right word there sort of I will be thine but don't think you can have 'thine feet' ....... might just be me see what others say

 

[liquorish]

My love thine eyes are blue as Caribbe Sea
They sparkle in the splash of sun and star
With humour and the love I yearn to see.

Not content to worship from afar
I spread my adoration at thine feet
It sparkles with the splash of sun and star

Rejection surely would be bittersweet
For I myself have nothing left to lose
As I spread my adoration at thine feet

I humbly ask you now to choose
Your lover, partner, only Valentine
For I myself have nothing left to lose

We would walk together as our lives entwine
Share with me this future now I plead
Your lover, partner, only Valentine.

Share with me this future now I plead
My love with eyes as blue as Caribbe Sea
I offer you my dreams, my love and mortgage deed
With humour and the love you surely see.

Could mere poem ever prove
Indifferent of colour? Blue
Is just a variant of love,

As times my envy's green for you
There sheltered, Valentine, in red.
Indifferent of colour blue,

Imagined soft asleep in bed
Where another's arms there hold
You sheltered. Valentine, in red.

Thus am I blue. This poem, bold,
Here speaks my secret openly
Whilst elsewhere other's arms do hold

What I've desired secretly:
Pearlescent skin, moist lips so red.
Now speak my secret openly,

Regardless what fate lies ahead.
Could mere poem ever prove
Pearlescent skin, moist lips so red,
Are just those variants I love?

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

not sure if 'thine' is the right word there sort of I will be thine but don't think you can have 'thine feet' ....... might just be me see what others say

'Drink to me only with THINE eyes'?

OK - THY feet does sound better - don't know why but it does.

 

[liquorish]

'Drink to me only with THINE eyes'?

OK - THY feet does sound better - don't know why but it does.

No it doesn't. It's Jonson's poem, anyway, and he wrote it that way.

I would suggest you change your "thine"s to "your" and all equivalents through the poem. The retro language doesn't add anything (other than irritation on the reader's part), so you may as well drift it.

Just go through and change "thine" to "your" and "thy" to "you."

Makes a better poem, I think. But your decision.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

No it doesn't. It's Jonson's poem, anyway, and he wrote it that way.

I would suggest you change your "thine"s to "your" and all equivalents through the poem. The retro language doesn't add anything (other than irritation on the reader's part), so you may as well drift it.

Just go through and change "thine" to "your" and "thy" to "you."

Makes a better poem, I think. But your decision.

Done - (and are you saying I plagiarized Jonson?)

 

[liquorish]

Done - (and are you saying I plagiarized Jonson?)

You know I'm not saying that. Don't be disingenuous. "Drink to me only with thine eyes" is his, but you don't use that in your poem; that was in a follow-on.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

You know I'm not saying that. Don't be disingenuous. "Drink to me only with thine eyes" is his, but you don't use that in your poem; that was in a follow-on.

Not disingenuous just ignorant - I wasn't aware Ben Jonson wrote that.

 

[liquorish]

Not disingenuous just ignorant - I wasn't aware Ben Jonson wrote that.

My apologies, then. Not disingenuous. Ingenuous.

For me, though, igneous, I think.

Again, not your fault. Just fate, and geology.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

My apologies, then. Not disingenuous. Ingenuous.

For me, though, igneous, I think.

Again, not your fault. Just fate, and geology.

No apology needed. You like your poet volcanic I think.

 

[liquorish]

No apology needed. You like your poet volcanic I think.

There is no touch where we can touch,
Unfortunately. I wish there was
Some way in which we could be couched
Together (touch how words can touch).
But words don't clutch. They smack and, ouch,
Reveal how we meet, how flawed
There is no touch where we can touch.
Unfortunately. I wish there was.

Hardly volcanic, as you can see. Or hardily volcanic.

My magma's slow, in any case, and my judgement wanders.

Pardon.

 

[AChild]

Till

Till..... (Or Another poem named Rebekah)

Till the robins rob my voice
I sing loud the song of you
Arrows sharp blade give no choice

like the sinner at the pew
I praise your flowing art mind
I sing loud the sound of you

world a stage display heart sign
first fan of your creation
I praise your flowing art mind

empty canvas lean patient
waiting for the kiss of color
first fan of your creation

Valentine? See no other;
stark naked at the void thought
waiting for the kiss of color

your heart no better prize sought
till the robins rob my voice
stark naked at the void thought
arrows sharp blade give no choice

 

[Willow Rain]

ack, this is tough, I don't usually try and write in structure.

how close is this? ugh.. hard

This is the shape of my heart,
formed out of fragile paper
easy struck with brutal dart.

My foolish Cupid's caper
a sweet valentine for you
formed out of fragile paper.

I know not what I can do
these are the words I find
a sweet valentine for you.

Love, I want no other kind
so willing in your capture.
These are the words I find.

This love we share is rapture
and in your arms you hold me
so willing in your capture.

I so hope that you will see
this is the shape of my heart
and in your hands you hold me
easy struck with brutal dart.

 

[Angeline]

I love your tender jazz heart, Valentine.
The way you look at me, the way you smile
melts me like chocolate, and you are mine

through all our storm and calm, our when and while
the winter bites we are a willow tree
that never breaks but bends to our style,

this freely pledged fidelity. Give me
my man, his open tuning, honey voice
to sweeten song, a bliss like poetry

is never wrong. He is the only choice
I'll not regret. Our bond is strong, we are
locked to each other's hopes so we rejoice

in simple pleasure, improv a blues bar
inside out, find another way to go
it easy, weave a rhythm to the far

flung dreams we can envision for you know
I love your tender jazz heart, Valentine.
Now kiss me, loose me with your touch that so
melts me like chocolate, and you are mine.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Nearly a gateaux

 

[Angeline]

Nearly a gateaux

It coulda worked well with chocolate.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

That's what sprung to mind a lovely gateaux ooooooozing chocolate

 

[PrinceThelo]

I’m still fiddling around with this one. I'm not confident about it yet. So I thought I’d post it here before I submit it. Does it conform to the rules? Any comments? It’s called ‘Burnt oak trees on top of the hill’.



In a forest clearing, seldom travelled,
We are burnt oak trees on top of the hill,
We’re destined to never be unravelled.

Our once restless and rustling leaves hold still,
Resisting all storms with the greatest ease.
We are burnt oak trees on top of the hill.

When our branches touched gently in the breeze,
We grew together and got entangled,
Resisting all storms with the greatest ease.

Magnetic trunks started to get angled,
When Valentine struck with his lightning bolt,
We grew together and got entangled.

We panted in the fire’s stranglehold,
The flames melted all my resins for you,
When Valentine struck with his lightning bolt.

Petrified waterfall of amber glue,
In a forest clearing, never travelled,
The flames melted all my resins for you,
We’re destined to never be unravelled.

 

[pushkine]

I’m still fiddling around with this one. I'm not confident about it yet. So I thought I’d post it here before I submit it. Does it conform to the rules? Any comments? It’s called ‘Burnt oak trees on top of the hill’.



In a forest clearing, seldom travelled,
We are burnt oak trees on top of the hill,
We’re destined to never be unravelled.

Our once restless and rustling leaves hold still,
Resisting all storms with the greatest ease.
We are burnt oak trees on top of the hill.

When our branches touched gently in the breeze,
We grew together and got entangled,
Resisting all storms with the greatest ease.

Magnetic trunks started to get angled,
When Valentine struck with his lightning bolt,
We grew together and got entangled.

We panted in the fire’s stranglehold,
The flames melted all my resins for you,
When Valentine struck with his lightning bolt.

Petrified waterfall of amber glue,
In a forest clearing, never travelled,
The flames melted all my resins for you,
We’re destined to never be unravelled.

Hello, Prince T. Welcome.

The poem seems to pull forward lines correctly, your rhyme scheme seems correct (some might consider "stranglehold" and "lightning bolt" a stretch, but I quite liked that), so I would give this a go.

Interesting effort, frankly. I liked it.

 

[PrinceThelo]

Thanks very much, Pushkine!

 

[loganforester]

Here's an early draft of a Valentine's terzanelle hoping to get some feedback. I think it needs a bit work. Any help would be appreciated.



Distant memories are within our reach,
Je me souviens ton anniversaire
it's Valentine's day at Omaha beach

Bomb blasts shatter the surrounding air
Soldiers say "Don't forget our sacrifice"
Je me souviens ton anniversaire

Their families paid the ultimate price
Love's lost laborers never to return
Soldiers say "Don't forget our sacrifice"

Many years have passed, but our hope still burns
They were taken so young at heavy cost
Love's lost laborers never will return

to lives they once had and so easily lost
Dark shrouded figures flit among white crosses
They were taken so young at heavy cost

Only a handful know how great our loss is
Distant memories are within our reach
Dark shrouded figures flit among white crosses
on Valentine's day at Omaha beach.


For those who aren't French speakers, that line translates to "I will remember our anniversary".

 

[champagne1982]

Here's an early draft of a Valentine's terzanelle hoping to get some feedback. I think it needs a bit work. Any help would be appreciated.



Distant memories are within our reach,
Je me souviens ton anniversaire
it's Valentine's day at Omaha beach<snip>

For those who aren't French speakers, that line translates to "I will remember our anniversary".

Our anniiversary would be with the possessive notre. If you'd like to maintain metre in that line you could use the article for "this" making it cet anniversaire.

eta: BTW that 't' on the end of ce is for ease of pronunciation and is used in front of a masculine word beginning in a vowel in other instances the masculine is ce and the feminine is cette with the plural as ces.

 

[PrinceThelo]

Champagne1982, I'm wondering if loganforester could get away with "notr' anniversaire" as well, if he wants to maintain metre in that line? Because isn't that the way French people would pronounce it in normal speech anyway?

 

[loganforester]

Our anniiversary would be with the possessive notre. If you'd like to maintain metre in that line you could use the article for "this" making it cet anniversaire.

eta: BTW that 't' on the end of ce is for ease of pronunciation and is used in front of a masculine word beginning in a vowel in other instances the masculine is ce and the feminine is cette with the plural as ces.

Thanks for the French help, it's been a while for me and the online translators told me I was ok. I think I can make that change without losing anything.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Hope this is really a terzanelle. My first attempt at one.

when our love is a waning moon
that trails its toe in velvet sky
sweep its glitter into a spoon

exhale with lovers' moonless sigh
and hold your thumb to what is missed
pressing crescent crust for pie

here is a girl who is needing kissed
you know by the way she pouts her lips
to whisper baby I insist

when our love is a silver slip
knit slowly fuller, spidersilk fine
Eden's child calls tides with her hips

when our love is a valentine
blotted lipstick swells night's cheek
pledge again, your hand in mine

every month when moonlight's sleek
the night wind hungrily will croon
till petted plump in dark physique
but love wakes shy in a waxing bloom