2nd Story: The Colonoscoper and the Snake Charmeuse

[kandie]

First of all...

The first paragraph sounds like the day dream of a 14 year old boy. I'm left to ask, is this story about? V's cock? Or something else. The opening is pretty thin.

The second paragraph has two obvious problems. Why are your clothes on a "PYRE"? Did you mean pile? A Pyre is a fire built to burn corpses. Second, why does she (whoever she is) have to put on the "wide belt" she is ALREADY wearing?

Third paragraph - Is this really important? Do I need to know exactly what the sofa is like? You give a better discription of the sofa than the characters.

Frankly, that's as far as I got before clicking the back button. Your story is confused. I am left with no clear idea of what the story is about. Is it about fucking? Is it about V's cock? Is it about the sofa? In three paragraphs you never told me.

I'm not being obsteperous. I'm making a point. The readers on Lit will give you one, maybe two paragraphs to grab them by the balls and hold their interest. If you don't do that, "CLICK" and you are done.

Over all the writing was alright, but the ideas were not well shown. That's what you need to work on. The next story, before you type one single letter...stop and ask yourself - What is this story about? That gives you the first paragraph. Next, ask yourself, where is this? Wow! Second paragraph done.

Intermixed in the first two paragraphs, you will introduce your main character. Then in paragraph three your character takes on action and the story is good to go.

Cut out all the superfluous crap. I don't care if the sofa was gold plated and sitting in the Oval Office at the White House. It doesn't really move your story along. Jenny Rule #2 ---> Characters make action. Scenery doesn't do anything but lay there and take up space.

Don't mean to be hard on you, but you can do better.

I agree with Jenny. She has helped me alot and I trust her judgement, after all she has written some stories that are published. Keep writing, and work at it, if it is what you want to do............improvement comes with time.

 

[wanderlustress]

Thanks for the feedback, Kandie. I'm afraid we are going to have to agree to disagree on this, and I have to say the same for Jenny and myself as well.

While I am at it I would like to thank everyone who participated in this thread, even if I didn't necessarily agree with their POV. It's been a lively and interesting debate. So, for those I haven't already thanked privately in PMs thank you for your words.

 

[Nitely]

Jenny Rule #2 ---> Characters make action. Scenery doesn't do anything but lay there and take up space.

I disagree... If that were true James Michener wouldn't have ever sold the millions of books he sold nor have been the millionaire he was...

 

[ellynei]

You spent more than 1,5 years thinking up that reply?

 

[dr_mabeuse]

The server was slow.

 

[BelAmi]

This is an old thread, I know, but I'm not the one who dug it up.

However, now that it has been dug up, I'd like to address something:

Your line reads: "He wants me to put on the wide belt I was wearing..." This should read, "He wants me to put on the wide belt I had been wearing..."

Actually this particular line, though confusing, is grammatically correct because this part of the story is written in the simple present tense.

If she had been writing in simple past, then the past perfect continuous would have been required for the sentence to make sense.


"He wants me to put on the wide belt I was wearing."

"He wanted me to put on the wide belt I had been wearing."


With that said, I found the bits of the story posted in this thread rather clunky. I wasn't enticed to follow the link and read the rest.

 

[Guest]

The server was slow.