A question for subs/slaves/pyls

[fallenangel0411]

trust

Can someone tell me how you learn to trust again? Two years ago I found the right Dom for me and I know he flet the same about me. I was brand new and had no idea what to expect. I was blessed enough to have found the perfect Dom and soul mate or so I thought. He had been in the lifestyle for over 10 years. I am married to somone else whom I had tried and tried to get to understand my feelings and needs and he just wasn't into it. So when I found my first relationship as I said I had no idea what to expect. I do know that I way underestimatied the attachment tha a sub can develope for her Dom and he had no intention of fallin in love. To make a long story short we agreeded to walk away from that relationship because I could not leave my family. He was not married. Well just about the time I think I am getting back on my feet and strong enough to try it one more time, I met what i thought was a great guy. It didn't take long to find out that he would say anything just to get what he wanted which was any kind of sex any time any place. I ended it witouth another thought. I am sure I am doing something terribly wrong. To some of you the fact that I am married I'm sure is scandolis. I've been married almost 28 years, I didn't act on my feelings outside of my marriage until about two and a half years ago. It feels like I have opened Pandora's box and now I can't shut it. I also can't find a Dom that I can trust. I am sure that is my problem not theirs. Does anyone have any suggestions? Please, if you're going to say something hateful, say it to someone else. I've had just about all of that I can stand. Be safe everyone. Thanks fo your advice.
Angel

 

[MrsMatt]

lucky

Reading all these post , I feel truly blessed.
He chose me 13 years ago, me just turning 17.
We grew together, got married, had kids, lived through long deployments.
Happier than ever.

 

[intothewoods]

Can someone tell me how you learn to trust again? Two years ago I found the right Dom for me and I know he flet the same about me. I was brand new and had no idea what to expect. I was blessed enough to have found the perfect Dom and soul mate or so I thought. He had been in the lifestyle for over 10 years. I am married to somone else whom I had tried and tried to get to understand my feelings and needs and he just wasn't into it. So when I found my first relationship as I said I had no idea what to expect. I do know that I way underestimatied the attachment tha a sub can develope for her Dom and he had no intention of fallin in love. To make a long story short we agreeded to walk away from that relationship because I could not leave my family. He was not married. Well just about the time I think I am getting back on my feet and strong enough to try it one more time, I met what i thought was a great guy. It didn't take long to find out that he would say anything just to get what he wanted which was any kind of sex any time any place. I ended it witouth another thought. I am sure I am doing something terribly wrong. To some of you the fact that I am married I'm sure is scandolis. I've been married almost 28 years, I didn't act on my feelings outside of my marriage until about two and a half years ago. It feels like I have opened Pandora's box and now I can't shut it. I also can't find a Dom that I can trust. I am sure that is my problem not theirs. Does anyone have any suggestions? Please, if you're going to say something hateful, say it to someone else. I've had just about all of that I can stand. Be safe everyone. Thanks fo your advice.
Angel

Where are you meeting these Doms?

As far as the marriage goes, I'm not in a position to judge, but just to offer what has been my experience. If you are running away from your marriage, eventually it will come to find you. You have to deal with the issues there at some point.

 

[fallenangel0411]

You are righth about needing to just deal with the issues and we have tried more than a few times. It's this issure that we can't get past. I can't get rid of my feelings any more than my husband can feel the same as I do.
You asked where I was meeting these "Doms". I guess I made it sound like I had actually had a lot of Doms. I've only had one. I've had a metting or two just for coffee or a drink and I have spoken on the phone some. Most of the people I talked to came from ALT.
Thanks for your reply. I appreciate your thoughts.
Be safe.

 

[CutieMouse]

You are righth about needing to just deal with the issues and we have tried more than a few times. It's this issure that we can't get past. I can't get rid of my feelings any more than my husband can feel the same as I do.
You asked where I was meeting these "Doms". I guess I made it sound like I had actually had a lot of Doms. I've only had one. I've had a metting or two just for coffee or a drink and I have spoken on the phone some. Most of the people I talked to came from ALT.
Thanks for your reply. I appreciate your thoughts.
Be safe.

If you're looking online, the odds are the men you meet will most likely be horney net geeks, wankers, or just in it for "easy" kinky sex. The trick is to learn the cues that tell you the person isn't a good match, or isn't actually respectful of the D/s dynamic in the same manner you are. To be honest, (personal opinion), your odds of running into idiots are greater, as you are looking for a side relationship while remaining married - you didn't say if your husband is ok with this or not; if it's a hidden relationship then the Dominant gene pool of non-HNGs is probably even smaller.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Can someone tell me how you learn to trust again? Two years ago I found the right Dom for me and I know he flet the same about me. I was brand new and had no idea what to expect. I was blessed enough to have found the perfect Dom and soul mate or so I thought. He had been in the lifestyle for over 10 years. I am married to somone else whom I had tried and tried to get to understand my feelings and needs and he just wasn't into it. So when I found my first relationship as I said I had no idea what to expect. I do know that I way underestimatied the attachment tha a sub can develope for her Dom and he had no intention of fallin in love. To make a long story short we agreeded to walk away from that relationship because I could not leave my family. He was not married. Well just about the time I think I am getting back on my feet and strong enough to try it one more time, I met what i thought was a great guy. It didn't take long to find out that he would say anything just to get what he wanted which was any kind of sex any time any place. I ended it witouth another thought. I am sure I am doing something terribly wrong. To some of you the fact that I am married I'm sure is scandolis. I've been married almost 28 years, I didn't act on my feelings outside of my marriage until about two and a half years ago. It feels like I have opened Pandora's box and now I can't shut it. I also can't find a Dom that I can trust. I am sure that is my problem not theirs. Does anyone have any suggestions? Please, if you're going to say something hateful, say it to someone else. I've had just about all of that I can stand. Be safe everyone. Thanks fo your advice.
Angel

Does your husband know and consent to your having a Dom? If not, then trust is also going to be an issue to prospective Doms in relation to you. Either way, if you are married and seeking a long term D/s relationship outside of that, I suspect you are going to find it difficult and a long search to find not only someone willing to accept that arrangement, but also someone right for you. Probably the best choice of D/s partner might be someone in a similar position to yourself who is not going to be looking for a more fulltime or primary relationship than you can offer, while also understanding your need to have an outlet.

Catalina

 

[fallenangel0411]

I want to thank all of you for your kind words of support and your advise. I know i am in a strange situation. My husband does not know I've been looking in r/t. I've tried everything I know to make or help him to become interested in at least being in charge most of the time. I've run out of ideas. Don't get me wrong, at work he is a totally different person. I won't go into details but something happened a couple of years ago that made me decide to take that giant leap from books to reality. He would be the perfect Daddy Dom if he just understood. Anyway, yes, I would like some cheese with that whine. Thank you all again.
Be safe.

 

[WriterDom]

a bump for the new folks

 

[ataxia.girl]

Have you had a bad bdsm experience? Not in terms of a relationship that went bad. But have you really regretted ever meeting someone in person?

That would be a big huge YES!

 

[Homburg]

Nope. I've had a few lame times, but none that I've regretted.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Nope. I've had a few lame times, but none that I've regretted.

i think a lot of it depends on the expense\effort you went through to have the lame time and expectations of course. Advance planning also works against me because it gives me to much time to build expectation and anticipation. More spur of the moment, i'm going to be in the vicinity anyway, type meetings work best for me.

 

[desertslave]

Interesting thread, I'm glad it got bumped!

Yes, I've had some bad experiences related to BDSM. They were all (3) at least partly my fault. When my first Sir died suddenly, I went on a somewhat self-destructive tangent. I really didn't care what happened to me for several months. As a result, I made some pretty stupid choices. One notable was a well-known guy in the community. He was charming in public, but a careless jerk in private. I only learned later that he had a reputation for this, but his influence kept it pretty quiet. Most of the "damaged" subs were chased out of the community and ridiculed by him and his circle.

I feel that a contrast needs to be presented here, though, relative to the 'nilla community. My ex was very vanilla, emotionally abusive, and a compulsive liar. The abuse didn't come out until I started to seriously question him, and I'm ashamed to say that it took me years to piece together his pattern of lying. He was THAT good, and I simply wasn't used to dealing with people like him at all.

I met my present Master/husband online. We chucked all the "rules" from the moment we met in person (after 7 long months of talking online). It's probably the smartest thing I've ever done.

 

[EmpressFi]

Not with a dominant I bottomed for or served... but I do regret the fact that my coworker knows I'm a submissive. He sees himself as a dominant and therefore still tries to "dominate" me even though I've asked him to stop

 

[WriterDom]

Due a bump.

 

[eastern sun]

About two years ago, I met a guy from another site who took me out to the most expensive lunch in New York City and spent the entire time insulting me in subtle and unnerving ways.

I came home, took a shower, and cut off all my hair.