Advice.... in reguards to my marriage and bdsm

[Chiara_searches]

It sprang wholesale from crap reading skills.


In my opinion, " just told him certain things... trust me if i wouldve went into all of it it wouldve been too much for him to handle"

means that she did NOT go into everything.

Because, as she says, very clearly, it would have been too much for him to handle if she had.

"wouldve" is a contraction of "would have." It carries the meaning of "did not (because...)"

And when she says "trust me" she was talking to the posters here, not her husband.

gods almighty, can't you people parse your own shitty texting?

(A) I don't post in text style, unlike the OP. Ergo, "shitty texting" has no relation to how I structure my posts. Since you were quoting me, I'll assume you were again pointing the off-topic criticism at me. Inapplicable mud-slinging lessens the credibility of what you have to say even if what you have to say would otherwise be valid.

(B) Your tone is not constructive to a dialog for either of us to understand each other. I'm finished attempting to understand your point of view; but that does not mean I will be silenced if I have something to add. Feel free to continue to verbally beat people up; that doesn't mean voices with which you disagree will be silenced.

(C) You pondered where some people drew conclusions about her intent and you were given examples. Whether you agreed with the conclusions is not the point; I was telling you from whence *my* belief system about her lack of empathy was built. Furthermore, in pondering my personal reactions to this entire thread, I have now read it completely through probably a total of five times, in addition to re-reading snippets...so I think I've already parsed it and your assumption otherwise is, again, misplaced.

(D) She was not talking to other posters...well, she said she wasn't ignoring other posters then ignored the point. So I don't know, sort of sounds like the only one she took any time to answer was, um, you. Ergo, she was not interested in engaging in a dialog to get help; she was interested in only getting sexual answers...and to some of us, that includes caring about your partner's past trauma. She left the questions unanswered; conclusions could have been different if she had taken the time to respond...instead of answering, text style, with a pretty long post focused only on answering you.

(E) I understand English fairly well. ""wouldve" is a contraction of "would have." It carries the meaning of "did not (because...)'" She admits he wouldn't be able to cope with everything in which she's interested; yet she's not interested in taking a hard road to get what she wants - i.e. help him even if it’s hard and then she might get the entire litany of her wishes. She's not taking advice to find a way to work with his trauma. She's here, after no posts for a year, complaining and goes silent when it looks like she does not like some of the answers.

(F) Trust requires some give and take, even in an anonymous internet board. I would have "trusted" her opinion on what he could or could not take...had she simply answered a few of the questions. She didn't even tell us if he had ever had counseling or not...nothing even that basic. If he was getting some basic care to deal with these things, I doubt I would have taken the time to even chime in. Instead she basically said “he should know I wouldn’t hurt him in any way but a pleasurable” forcing her definition of pleasure upon him, not accepting what his definition might be.

(G) In my world view, part of our jobs as spouses/partners/human beings is to help others, regardless of gender. She silences makes it appear to me that she is not interested in helping him.

(H) Please “parse” out things yourself before complaining others are not doing so. Your inability to even acknowledge that she all but ignored everyone but you is an indicator you are not even parsing out the posts that you quote. Hypocrisy is almost as bad as trying to silence people’s voices. IMO, and no it’s not humble this time, you have directed both a “shut up” attitude and hypocrisy at me.

(I) Finally, I'll point out that a while ago you said you'd be back with suggestions for her...I subtly reminded you of this because I didn't want to call you out on your own lack of follow up. Your offer of suggestions did not include instructions for her to log back and post on the thread before you would share. Ergo, I'm not sure why her being here or not is the holdup for you giving her the proffered suggestions. For all we know she could be checking in without ever logging on. Yet you were silent on your suggestions to help her and instead turned your anger toward others that disagree with you. Before you invest more time telling me I can't read or understand English, how about giving the OP what you already said you'd do. Again, your suggestions may help others understand your point of view because frankly I just don't agree how helping her be sexually fulfilled is going to help her husband past his trauma. Unfortunately, it's to the point, as I said, that I am done trying to understand your point of view....but it still may help others.

 

[HottieMama]

I came here to reply mostly to stuff pertaining to the OP, not get into arguments about who wins the oppression olympics.

No shit. Stella, we all know you have been through some shit in your life on a variety of different levels. I won't venture to comment here because I haven't lived it so I cannot possibly understand your POV fully.

The OP's situation I have lived, in my last two relationships respectively. In the first,
I was the one constantly pushing for MY wants to be met, I didn't give a flying fuck about them and their needs/wants. I was a cheating, lying partner all in the name of my "needs." After about two years of saying much of the same shit the OP has posted here, I finally grew a set and left. I wasn't angry. I had no right to be. It was not a "kinky" relationship when it began, and I had no right to think that my partner would automatically acquiesce to what I wanted, while completely disregarding themselves.

In the situation of my ex-husband, we started kinky, and over a period of four years the kink in OUR relationship completely disappeared. He was more than ready/willing/able to top other people to extreme degrees. Meanwhile, I remained the faithful wife. The anger eventually set in and that was/is the main thing that led to our divorce. In that situation, I was/am completely justified in being incredibly angry. My wants were completely ignored, the original premise of our relationship was broken, and he was doing the very same things that I wanted with others. Again, I grew a set and left.

All I am saying is that some of us have lived this, and made "unpopular" decisions based on the elephant in the living room. The OP can talk about what she wants from now until the cows come home, but what really matters is what is she willing to do to get it.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Um, okay everyone.

The fact remains that OP is gone from here and I do not blame her.

you don't need to know my life story in order to read the very clear and plain words that outline my point of view. I have said that being ignored and having my needs denigrated by advise-givers dragged my ass through hell. That I was very angry, and no venue to express it. That in fact, I still am angry about this, and that I feel OP had a right to express her anger-- watching you guys shout her down has pissed me off unbelievably.

Chiara, two points:

1. it is not hypocritical to ask someone to stop talking because they are drowning out someone else's voice.
   
2. Next time you want me to take a subtle hint from you? Please take my very clear and direct requests with a bit more seriousness.
   
   I could have possibly opened a dialogue with her-- since, as you point out, she responded to my post in preference to any other-- but my advice would have depended on whatever responses and feedback she gave me.
   
   So no how-to manual from me.
   
   

Some of your other alphabet soup ingredients just made me throw up in my mouth.

 

[Chiara_searches]

Um, okay everyone.

The fact remains that OP is gone from here and I do not blame her.

Chiara, two points:

1. it is not hypocritical to ask someone to stop talking because they are drowning out someone else's voice.
2. I could have possibly opened a dialogue with her-- since, as you point out, she responded to my post in preference to any other-- but my advice would have depended on whatever responses and feedback she gave me. So no how-to manual from me.

Some of your other alphabet soup ingredients just made me throw up in my mouth.

They are crafting hand decorated vomit bags on another thread.

And while you started with a more polite "shhhh," from nearly the get go you wanted me to shut up. How is that not drowning out my voice? It's okay to suppress someone so someone else isn't suppressed?

 

[Stella_Omega]

They are crafting hand decorated vomit bags on another thread.

And while you started with a more polite "shhhh," from nearly the get go you wanted me to shut up. How is that not drowning out my voice? It's okay to suppress someone so someone else isn't suppressed?

Yes dear, sometimes that's exactly what has to happen.

 

[Chiara_searches]

Yes dear, sometimes that's exactly what has to happen.

The minute amount that I know about you is that you have been suppressed enough in your life time to fill stadiums. I am not religious, but I am adamant in my belief to do unto others or to treat others as you would want to be treated. You don't want to be suppressed. It makes it simply wrong for you to suppress my opinion. You are not treating me as you want to be treated: a strong, opinionated woman who has something she believes she can contribute.

Again, I worry that you are over identifying with the OP. Please continue to vent in this manner if it is helping you because while I may have lost respect for you tonight, I still worry about your well-being and it just frankly vibes that something else is going on with you.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Well, not enough to fill stadiums. But you don't seem to be able to make the connection between my experience and the one you, just today, provided someone else, despite me asking you -- and I asked other posters as well-- not to.

And now that I know that you do not accede to polite requests-- I can take it into account.

"Don't mind Chiara," I can say to the next OP, "She is going to offer her strong and opinionated contribution, so just ignore her and we'll try to talk despite her."

I am very practical that way. I don't vent when I don't need to. And your brand of bullshite will never trigger me again.

it just frankly vibes that something else is going on with you.

Isn't that just classic! A perfectly dismissive response.

 

[ControlandDom]

"Don't mind Chiara," I can say to the next OP, "She is going to have her own little self-righteous say, so just ignore her and we'll try to talk despite her."

LOL

Ah. Ms. Pot, have you met Ms. Kettle?

 

[Stella_Omega]

LOL

Ah. Ms. Pot, have you met Ms. Kettle?

Oh, absolutely, Mr. Skillet.

People have said that about me more than once -- in my very long history here. That's what happens. That's how you learn.

 

[Chiara_searches]

Well, not enough to fill stadiums. But you don't seem to be able to make the connection between my experience and the one you, just today, provided someone else, despite me asking you -- and other posters too-- not to.

And now that I know that you do not accede to polite requests-- I can take it into account.

"Don't mind Chiara," I can say to the next OP, "She is going to have her own little self-righteous say, so just ignore her and we'll try to talk despite her."

I am very practical that way. I don't vent when I don't need to. And your brand of bullshite will never trigger me again.

Saturday, you gave me one polite "shhh" and when I questioned why I was being shhh'd, all you said was that you had asked her about her interests "for fuck's sake." Sorry, there were no polite requests in the plural.

Let me give you a concrete example: DVS posted something, I questioned it, and he took the time to express himself more fully. He didn't reply with one sentence, ending in "for fuck's sake."

My questioning your one polite shhh was inviting you to explain why you felt I should be silent. It took you until today to really say you felt I was shouting her down. So please be sure to recognize the error in your ways if you wish me to recognize mine.

 

[HottieMama]

"Don't mind Chiara," I can say to the next OP, "She is going to have her own little self-righteous say, so just ignore her and we'll try to talk despite her."

Wow...really??? Do I need to draw your attention to some threads in another forum here on Lit where you have certainly had your "self-righteous say" at the expense of the discussion or original intent of the thread...or does it only matter when what is posted hurts your feelings or triggers you??? I never thought you a hypocrite Stella, but statements like this make me question that.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Wow...really??? Do I need to draw your attention to some threads in another forum here on Lit where you have certainly had your "self-righteous say" at the expense of the discussion or original intent of the thread...or does it only matter when what is posted hurts your feelings or triggers you??? I never thought you a hypocrite Stella, but statements like this make me question that.

Like I just now posted, anyone can say the same about me. And people have. And I am sure they will in the future too. I am not and I don't even try to be, perfect.

And yes, I will certainly say it about other people when I feel the need to. If I had said it much much earlier, maybe OP would be having the dialogue I wanted her to have with us maybe all of your qualms would have been addressed by now.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v608/Zakuroneko/Dramallama01.jpg

 

[Stella_Omega]

behindblueyes, I have been talking about the ways in which women are belittled shamed and denigrated when they express anger or needs for themselves.

so, thank you for one more demonstration of that.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

behindblueyes, I have been talking about the ways in which women are belittled shamed and denigrated when they express anger or needs for themselves.

so, thank you for one more demonstration of that.

I assure you, I'd have used the drama llama if you were men.

I am sorry if I offended. I just can't imagine what either of you hope to gain. It's like watching a pair of goats butt each other through plexiglass. I guess there's the benefit of merely expressing your opinion, but at this point you've all done so many times. Have you read over the last set of posts? You guys are hardly on topic any more. You're just assaulting each other. The spit flying is certainly reminiscent of llamas. *shrug* I was just hoping to jar y'all out of the fighting.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I assure you, I'd have used the drama llama if you were men.

I am sorry if I offended. I just can't imagine what either of you hope to gain. It's like watching a pair of goats butt each other through plexiglass. I guess there's the benefit of merely expressing your opinion, but at this point you've all done so many times. Have you read over the last set of posts? You guys are hardly on topic any more. You're just assaulting each other. The spit flying is certainly reminiscent of llamas. *shrug* I was just hoping to jar y'all out of the fighting.

That had already happened *shrug* but yeah, jarring people out of fighting is always a laudable ambition.

but maaaaaybeeee... when the anger is related to a sense of disrespect? Dramalama jokes might not be way to repair the discord, just a thought.

I'm not saying this out of anger, just wanting to point out that the problem is the problem. I don't know how much more specific and concrete I can get with this.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

but maaaaaybeeee... when the anger is related to a sense of disrespect? Dramalama jokes might not be way to repair the discord, just a thought.

Fair enough

 

[clearshooter]

I never said i was ignoring what you said one post said what i was talking about as in what i prefer and thats what i prefer.. i havent sprung it ALL on him just told him certain things of what im into trust me if i wouldve went into all of it it wouldve been too much for him to handle

Slow and easy, lots of conversation. Is he a reader? couple of nice books available on Amazon's Kindle.

 

[MissHolly]

I am married too....

I am married and my husband has no idea I am a collared sex slave belonging to Master John. In fact....he has no idea I even enjoy anything BDSM. I have secretly always wanted to be restrained and while role playing online I discovered very accidentally that I LOVE to submit and be used. That was when Master John found me...and the rest is history!

 

[HottieMama]

I am married and my husband has no idea I am a collared sex slave belonging to Master John. In fact....he has no idea I even enjoy anything BDSM. I have secretly always wanted to be restrained and while role playing online I discovered very accidentally that I LOVE to submit and be used. That was when Master John found me...and the rest is history!

This is what I don't understand... If one of the fundamentals of a Master/slave relationships is honesty, then HOW does this "master" accept the fact that you are lying, adulterous, deceitful person? If you are wiling to lie to your husband to the degree that he has NO idea you are into BDSM, how can he trust that you will not lie to him in the same way?

I have never and will never understand conditional honesty.

 

[MasterandSir]

I am so annoyed right now ive been with my husband for over 7yrs our sex life is pretty good but i have alot of bdsm tendencies in me and i can no longer keep them supressed i understand my husband has been severly abused physically mentally emotionally and sexually as a child but damnnn a regular vanilla sex life is just not cutting it for me its not satisfying me anymore i mean dont get me wrong the sex is great but its just not enough and i love my husband to death but damn i dont know what to do anymore im a little annoyed right now with him.Please some advice on this at most he will participate in water sports breath play and thats about it

I've always been a fan of the open and honest approach, sometimes you catch flak for it but I've always found that the truth is the best route. That being said, I think you should tell him you need to talk to him about something, sit him down and tell him what you told us (more or less) and tell him what you need out of your relationship with him. I find diction to be important in these kinds of talks because "wants" are often downplayed. Do your best to help him understand how you feel because you are having to live without and that you need it in your life for your happiness and general well-being. Then try to work together to find a solution that works for both of you. Just my thoughts..... Good Luck

 

[DVS]

I am married and my husband has no idea I am a collared sex slave belonging to Master John. In fact....he has no idea I even enjoy anything BDSM. I have secretly always wanted to be restrained and while role playing online I discovered very accidentally that I LOVE to submit and be used. That was when Master John found me...and the rest is history!

If your husband has no idea you are collared, does he have any idea you are submissive? Have you even talked to him about this? If you haven't, it seems you should at least give him a chance to be your dom, before you venture out of the marriage to find it. That's just my opinion. Take it for what it's worth.

 

[Stella_Omega]

This is what I don't understand... If one of the fundamentals of a Master/slave relationships is honesty, then HOW does this "master" accept the fact that you are lying, adulterous, deceitful person? If you are wiling to lie to your husband to the degree that he has NO idea you are into BDSM, how can he trust that you will not lie to him in the same way?

I have never and will never understand conditional honesty.

"It's different between me and him."

You hear this all the time, in all sorts of situations.

Along with, it's "only the internet."