An Open Letter To _____

[Daddi_DJ]

Dear Heart,
Stfu up and go back to your cage before I put you there fucker! Greatly appreciated!

Dear Brain,
You shut the fuck up too and let me sleep. Get straight and stop with the bad yet very pleasing thoughts. Yes I know we could but damn it now IS NOT the time! You are losing control bit yet you haven't. All I need u to do is check that piece of shit heart understood? Good. Now let it go and let me rest! I am sick damn it! Thank you and good night you sedistic and vindictive mother fucker! Looooove you!

Me

 

[thestruggle]

Dear Me,
You are happy. The change in meds has been nothing short of magic.
This is how people are supposed to feel.
Not constantly living in a perpetual gloom.
Not wishing that you'd just go to sleep until you turn to dust.
Not being afraid to cry because, in your heart of hearts, you know that if the tears start they will simply never, ever stop.
This is you waking up. This is us waking up.
This is the gift of being able to look at your life, and not only realize how wonderful it is, but to actually feel how wonderful it is.
Don't worry about the writing. That is still there. You just have to learn how to talk to it again.
Don't worry if this is just passing. There is hope, and you are drowning in it, smiling.
You are happy.
Get used to it.

I always have, and always will love you.
Even when I say I don't.

-Me

 

[IvoryTigress]

Smiles and leaves a pretty Vail positive energies. It was good to read such a letter

 

[Miss_Vivi]

Dear Me,
You are happy. The change in meds has been nothing short of magic.
This is how people are supposed to feel.
Not constantly living in a perpetual gloom.
Not wishing that you'd just go to sleep until you turn to dust.
Not being afraid to cry because, in your heart of hearts, you know that if the tears start they will simply never, ever stop.
This is you waking up. This is us waking up.
This is the gift of being able to look at your life, and not only realize how wonderful it is, but to actually feel how wonderful it is.
Don't worry about the writing. That is still there. You just have to learn how to talk to it again.
Don't worry if this is just passing. There is hope, and you are drowning in it, smiling.
You are happy.
Get used to it.

I always have, and always will love you.
Even when I say I don't.

-Me

Reading this made me happy.
To see you happy, and fulfilled makes all my days brighter.
Love. You.

 

[tigerlilyxx]

Dear you,

You have so fucking much to live for. I know how hard it is, I know how much you hate yourself, but you've got to stop doing this. You mean more to me than you can possibly imagine, and I'm not the only one that cares about you. There's a reason you were so popular back in school. There was a reason every girl fawned over you and every guy loved hanging out with you. Because you’re amazing. You got into Brown, for god sakes. The only one to end up at an Ivy League school. And now I don't know if you'll even make it through each day. Every day I’m afraid I'll wake up and see your name on someone's Facebook status, talking about how much they miss you and how you'll always be remembered, that they didn't know you were so depressed and it was such a surprise to them. But I'll have known. I'll have been one of the only people, if not the only person, that did. And is it fair that that's how I'd find out? I wouldn't even get to know firsthand. No one knows we still talk. Your parents don't even know me. No one would think to tell me, even though I'd have probably been the person that you talked to last.

Why do you confide in me? Why do you tell me how hard it is, how much you want to die, but you won't tell your therapist? You won't tell the people that can actually help you. Instead, you tell someone who's two hours away and completely helpless. And every day I'm so beyond terrified of losing you. You have more to live for than anyone I know, and you deserve to live more than anyone I know. This is killing me. I'm sorry I called the cops, but you didn't leave me a choice. “I want to ram my car into a tree” and “I wonder how fast I'd have to go, I don't want to live and have the car be totaled, maybe I should just jump out” are not texts I can receive and just… not do anything about. I had to call them. I never expected you to get taken to the ER in handcuffs. I'm sorry that happened. But I'm so glad you’re alive. More than you can possibly know. Maybe this time around, you'll be honest, and you'll get the help you deserve and need. Maybe you'll realize one day that I did this for you, and you'll be happy that I did.

I'm glad I didn't lose you over this. I'm glad you're not pissed. But even if you never talked to me again, it'd be worth it. I'd rather have you hating me, but alive, than dead. You're worth more than that. And I hope with every fiber of my being that you'll make it through this. Because I can't go to your funeral. I can't hear about your death. I won't survive that. I don't want to survive that.

Sincerely,
A very, very concerned and caring friend.

 

[Annisthyrienne]

Dear you,


Sincerely,
A very, very concerned and caring friend.

*Hugs* As someone that has been where your friend is, I just want to tell you what made me decide NOT to do it. When a person is suicidal, in their head, it's all about them. They are very self centered in that time. One of the things that a suicidal person says to themselves and others to rationalize and justify what they think about is "Well it's my life, so I should be able to decide to end it if I want to."

They have to be made aware that this statement is not true. It IS NOT their life that they are taking away from everyone to whom they mean something. It is part of the lives of those who care about them, like you do, who's lives would be missing a huge part. It is a part of those people's lives that the suicidal person HAS NO RIGHT to take away, any more than they have a right to steal something else that is so valuable from you. They need to understand this.

That thought is the thing that allows me to be here typing this to you. Not only did I realize that I was an important part of the lives of all those who I meant something to at the time, but I have since learned so many times over that I am important to people who I never even dreamed of meeting back then. How many of those peoples lives have I touched in a meaningful way since then? How many of those people might have done something just as drastic if I were not around to tell them my story, and help them get through their darkness in whatever small way I could? And then in turn, how many more people will their lives touch in the future, because I was around to help them stick around?

You see what I mean. Make sure you tell this friend of yours this. Tell them how unfair it is to you and everyone else that cares about them that they are thinking only of themselves. Make them understand that it's NOT just their lives at stake. It's an important part of yours too, and they have NO RIGHT to take that from you.

I sincerely hope that you can get through to them.

People who have heard me tell this before may be getting tired of hearing it, but I will say it again every time I can to make this difference. I paid for the right to do this by not pulling that trigger that night. I paid for it again when I didn't cut my throat that day. I will say it as often as it needs to be said.

 

[tigerlilyxx]

*Hugs* As someone that has been where your friend is, I just want to tell you what made me decide NOT to do it. When a person is suicidal, in their head, it's all about them. They are very self centered in that time. One of the things that a suicidal person says to themselves and others to rationalize and justify what they think about is "Well it's my life, so I should be able to decide to end it if I want to."

They have to be made aware that this statement is not true. It IS NOT their life that they are taking away from everyone to whom they mean something. It is part of the lives of those who care about them, like you do, who's lives would be missing a huge part. It is a part of those people's lives that the suicidal person HAS NO RIGHT to take away, any more than they have a right to steal something else that is so valuable from you. They need to understand this.

That thought is the thing that allows me to be here typing this to you. Not only did I realize that I was an important part of the lives of all those who I meant something to at the time, but I have since learned so many times over that I am important to people who I never even dreamed of meeting back then. How many of those peoples lives have I touched in a meaningful way since then? How many of those people might have done something just as drastic if I were not around to tell them my story, and help them get through their darkness in whatever small way I could? And then in turn, how many more people will their lives touch in the future, because I was around to help them stick around?

You see what I mean. Make sure you tell this friend of yours this. Tell them how unfair it is to you and everyone else that cares about them that they are thinking only of themselves. Make them understand that it's NOT just their lives at stake. It's an important part of yours too, and they have NO RIGHT to take that from you.

I sincerely hope that you can get through to them.

People who have heard me tell this before may be getting tired of hearing it, but I will say it again every time I can to make this difference. I paid for the right to do this by not pulling that trigger that night. I paid for it again when I didn't cut my throat that day. I will say it as often as it needs to be said.

I've been there, too. This particular friend happens to be one of the reasons I'm alive today. I know the symptoms and depression well, and I still suffer.

And I've told him many times. Many times. And I think it's one of the reasons his attempts haven't succeeded. But thank you. Really.

 

[Annisthyrienne]

I've been there, too. This particular friend happens to be one of the reasons I'm alive today. I know the symptoms and depression well, and I still suffer.

And I've told him many times. Many times. And I think it's one of the reasons his attempts haven't succeeded. But thank you. Really.

I'm happy to be able to help, if I was able. If there is anything else I can do, or even if you just need to vent, I'm here.

 

[tigerlilyxx]

I'm happy to be able to help, if I was able. If there is anything else I can do, or even if you just need to vent, I'm here.

Thank you. That's beyond kind. Really, thank you very much. It's nice to know there are people like you in the world.

 

[Miss_Vivi]

Dear Lily.

You kick ass. That is all.

Noms!
Vivi

 

[palemoon2035]

I've been there, too. This particular friend happens to be one of the reasons I'm alive today. I know the symptoms and depression well, and I still suffer.

And I've told him many times. Many times. And I think it's one of the reasons his attempts haven't succeeded. But thank you. Really.

I think Thyri put it perfectly. As someone who had thought about that as a solution not too long ago, I know that the thought of the meaning I bring to other people's lives is all I needed to move on and look forward. I find this song was one of the most powerful pieces I have heard in a long time. It helped to clear things up...eventually Well, not so much a song as spoken word. I'm not sure what you would do with this other than give it a listen, but it is meant for the person considering suicide. Of course, what do you do? Say, "here, listen to this?" Hmmm, either way, it is powerful and brings me to tears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVcuZBDu48I

 

[Noon_Shadow]

To anyone wondering where I have been, and what has happened with me lately:​

It's been nearly a year since I really took off last time. I was going through some employment difficulties at the time. Actually I was unemployed, having been working retail for a while, but unemployment did not treat me well. I was in a bad place for a while. I think I might have been going through a mild case of depression-I wasn't interested in talking to people, and was shutting myself off from my social networks. It wasn't a serious case, like I know that many others have suffered, but I wasn't feeling good about myself, and it got worse when I had to move back in with my parents for a while.

There is one very dear friend who helped me out of it. She and I had known each other for 12 years. She was going through something similar, actually, but I'd always been very supportive of her, so the need to be there for someone else at least gave me an impetus to stop feeling so damned sorry for myself. She lived in Florida, so I drove down there to spend some time with her and her husband for a weekend every so often. The idea was mainly to just get out and get some sun, and see if everyone couldn't find a way to lighten up for a stretch.

She had always been my safety outlet, in a lot of ways. Since she and I thought the same way, we had an easy time talking to each other-there wasn't a lot of need for filtering or explanation. We'd met online back when she was 13 and I was 17, and we'd stayed in contact as online friends for 12 years. I got to know her boyfriend, who would eventually be her husband, and was actually a member of their wedding party when they got married in July 2011.

Well, during one of my visits last year, there was something of an incident. My friend (who is going to continue to remain nameless) perhaps had something of an issue with fidelity. She was actually very opposed to the idea of marriage for this reason, so when she decided to marry her future husband, it was an exceptionally meaningful gesture. But between the two of us, there was always some degree of sexual tension, or romantic attraction-something that had never been explored. It usually popped up in situations where she was exceptionally drunk, and she'd start to get a bit handsy with me. But this never went anywhere-we were long-distance friends who never lived within the same state. It's actually worth noting, though, that she got really hammered and started flirting with me the night she got married. That was a fact that I kept completely to myself, and had forgotten by the next morning.

This did some to a head when I staying over at her apartment, though, in South Florida. She'd gotten into a tiff with her husband-a really minor thing, but he was being pissy and decided to go to bed. I was mostly trying to keep my head out of it-they had a way of fighting where they'd be at the point of throwing things, but they'd get over it within minutes-they both just needed to get it out of their system. She was drunk, though, and came on to me pretty hard. And that whole weekend was very awkward for both of us. We fell really hard for each other. She was there, in perhaps one of the most romantic things I've ever experienced, telling me she really just wanted one kiss from me. I wouldn't do it-I'd always been way too protective of her to let things get out of hand like that.

It did set off a shit-storm. She had some health issues, and some emotional problems, so I was torn between the desire to check on her and the desire to get the fuck away because I was risking her marriage by staying involved. The sad thing is, in her depression, she had successfully cut herself off from most of her other friends, so I really had to maintain contact with her to avoid hurting her. It sucks when you fall in love with your friends. I was confident I'd be able to handle it myself, but I wasn't sure how well she'd handle it. I ended up moving in with my sister for about 6 months. In Canada. I needed a change of scenery.

I kept in contact with her. It got over-the-top, nearly obsessive. We talked basically every day, and there were times when we blowing up each other's phone with text messages. We kept from expressing too much. There was no affair-we didn't trade sexy text messages or dirty e-mails, we didn't go too far in expressing our desires or wishes. I know that she wanted to be with me. If there was just some way we could take a day or two, consequence free....but life simply doesn't work that way. Anyway, her husband was no fool. He caught on to what was going on between us.

I had a lengthy phone conversation with him where I convinced him I wasn't trying to steal his wife. He was good for her. If he hadn't been, things might have been very different. Eventually, after moving back from Canada, I paid another visit where we had a long heart-to-heart between the three of us. This actually came at an awkward time-he'd lost his job a few days before, so I'd told my friend that I needed to stop talking to her for a while because I was becoming too much of a distraction in her marriage. I got a call at 2 AM from her husband, telling me she hadn't stopped crying for eight hours, and we needed to find another solution. So we talked things out....and the situation was mostly dealt with. My friend continued to express to me, privately, that her ideal world was a relationship with both of us. A triad relationship-but that lifestyle was never going to work for me, and it would never have gone over with her husband, either. We managed to cut back on some of the romantic language in our friendship, though, and things were getting better.

So at this time, or round-about, I finally decided I needed to go back to school. It helped to have her in my life as a positive and encouraging force. I decided I really needed to get my life on track, and what I really needed to do was teach. So many of my conversations ended up with me attempting to give some type of lecture on historical subjects, so I decided that was where my passion really was. I'd been directionless since my first go-through at college, so it was nice to have a goal.

Well, I started back in January for the spring semester, which just wrapped up. I had to assure my poor friend, who remained in a morose state, that she wasn't going to lose her best friend just because he was back in college, and that I'd continue to text or e-mail her daily. And I did, and we kept in touch...until the beginning of February. I got a call from her husband one morning, telling me that she had had to go to the hospital that morning. He wasn't too concerned at the time, but when the doctors diagnosed her...it was kidney and liver failure. She had slipped into a coma, and then died that night. She was only 25 years old.

That's been two and a half months ago, now. I'm still in horribly bad shape. I can't seem to sleep at all without taking something. I've run the whole gamut of emotions about how guilty I should be-I knew she had been a heavy drinker, but I hadn't realized just how bad it had gotten. I stayed in school for the summer and manage to wrap up my spring classes. I'm not taking anything this summer just because I need some time off. I still can't seem to fall asleep without taking something at night.

So that's what's been going on with me. For now, I'm back here, at least socially. Being able to write has helped me-I threw myself into my research papers this past semester because it helped keep the mind occupied (ask me anything you want to know about the founding fathers and the first American political parties, I've got that shit down), so perhaps getting back to writing here might help me as well.

 

[Miss_Vivi]

To anyone wondering where I have been, and what has happened with me lately:​

Noon!!! You sexy awesome man! I'm so glad to see you! So glad you're back! I've missed you!

 

[DarkWarrioress]

Noon!!! *mega hugs*

Welcome back, sweetie.

It's good to see you again... under any circumstance.

 

[Annisthyrienne]

You were missed, Noon.....very much.

 

[Noon_Shadow]

Noon!!! You sexy awesome man! I'm so glad to see you! So glad you're back! I've missed you!

Noon!!! *mega hugs*

Welcome back, sweetie.

It's good to see you again... under any circumstance.

You were missed, Noon.....very much.

Grins playfully. Well it's nice to know that I'm not forgotten.

 

[Miss_Vivi]

Dear Vivi,

Don't get stuck in this sad place, it's okay to redefine relationships as they change, as you change. Let this moment happen, but this is something that has to happen. Regardless of who enters your life, or changes it in unseen ways this moment has been approaching for months.

Breathe. It will be okay. You still surround yourself in love and adoration and friendship. He won't be gone, just in a different role than he was before. Try not to let your anxiety triumph here. It's okay to be scared. This sucks. Just trust.

And breathe.

Vi.

 

[thestruggle]

Dear Vivi,

Don't get stuck in this sad place, it's okay to redefine relationships as they change, as you change. Let this moment happen, but this is something that has to happen. Regardless of who enters your life, or changes it in unseen ways this moment has been approaching for months.

Breathe. It will be okay. You still surround yourself in love and adoration and friendship. He won't be gone, just in a different role than he was before. Try not to let your anxiety triumph here. It's okay to be scared. This sucks. Just trust.

And breathe.

Vi.

Here if you need someone to breathe with you.

 

[Britwitch]

Dear Vivi,

Don't get stuck in this sad place, it's okay to redefine relationships as they change, as you change. Let this moment happen, but this is something that has to happen. Regardless of who enters your life, or changes it in unseen ways this moment has been approaching for months.

Breathe. It will be okay. You still surround yourself in love and adoration and friendship. He won't be gone, just in a different role than he was before. Try not to let your anxiety triumph here. It's okay to be scared. This sucks. Just trust.

And breathe.

Vi.

hugs her and kisses a pretty cheek

Always here, lovely. Always.

 

[Miss_Vivi]

Here if you need someone to breathe with you.

hugs her and kisses a pretty cheek

Always here, lovely. Always.

Thank you ladies. I'm so lucky to have you both in my life.

 

[IvoryTigress]

Dear Vivi,

Don't get stuck in this sad place, it's okay to redefine relationships as they change, as you change. Let this moment happen, but this is something that has to happen. Regardless of who enters your life, or changes it in unseen ways this moment has been approaching for months.

Breathe. It will be okay. You still surround yourself in love and adoration and friendship. He won't be gone, just in a different role than he was before. Try not to let your anxiety triumph here. It's okay to be scared. This sucks. Just trust.

And breathe.

Vi.

Sends quiet strength a beauty's way.

 

[Scuttle Buttin']

You can do it. Deep breath, chin up, back straight.

You'll be a happier person for it.

 

[Miss_Vivi]

Sends quiet strength a beauty's way.

Sends her thanks

You can do it. Deep breath, chin up, back straight.

You'll be a happier person for it.

Either you want me to salute or you're trying to sneak a peak at my chest.

kisses his cheek

Thank you, Daddy

 

[marauder13]

Dear Vivi,

Don't get stuck in this sad place, it's okay to redefine relationships as they change, as you change. Let this moment happen, but this is something that has to happen. Regardless of who enters your life, or changes it in unseen ways this moment has been approaching for months.

Breathe. It will be okay. You still surround yourself in love and adoration and friendship. He won't be gone, just in a different role than he was before. Try not to let your anxiety triumph here. It's okay to be scared. This sucks. Just trust.

And breathe.

Vi.

Hi Vivi,

If I may make one small suggested change in the above, it would be on the last line.

And breathe deeply and slowly.

But you're a strong one, and you'll get through and learn a little more about yourself along the way.

* Hugs sent for the gal in need of them *

 

[Miss_Vivi]

Hi Vivi,

If I may make one small suggested change in the above, it would be on the last line.

And breathe deeply and slowly.

But you're a strong one, and you'll get through and learn a little more about yourself along the way.

* Hugs sent for the gal in need of them *

Accepts the hugs gratefully, debates throwing water balloons at his head for making changes and because that might be fun.

Thanks doll. You owe me a post.