Attention 24/7'ers: What misconceptions do people have about 24/7 relationships?

[Ebonyfire]

I'm not in 24/7 but I have to explain constantly to the naysayers that 24/7 doesn't mean naked and caged at home all day.

But people, 24/7 and not 24/7 alike, are usually pretty damn literal, that's one of the reasons I don't like the label. We're trying to define what's essentially a psycho-spatial thing, using the clock metaphor doesn't jive with me.

I love this post. Well put!

Eb

 

[CutieMouse]

Bumpity Umptiy Ump.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Biggest misconception that it's a barrel of Romance and fun.

I think you are right in this.....it seems some people hold this as the ultimate formula for D/s, and that in living it everything is just wonderful and magic. I admit I set out to have this type of D/s and think I am fortunate we found each other, but as time has passed, the struggles continued to reach this magical near perfection, I have come to realise it is much harder work than most admit to anyone else. At least that is how I have found it.

For myself, there are wonderful moments, but the past 4 years have been shadowed by depression and family dramas for both of us and what I have come to realise as grieving. When I look at how I live my life day to day now as compared to how I lived it before, it is like night and day. Apart from being away from my friends, family, country, language, culture, way of life, I have stepped into a life and surroundings which is the complete opposite to what I am used to, and on top of that am serving 24/7 which does mean just that...if he wants a drink in the middle of the night, he has woken me and asked me to go down 3 floors to get him one. I no longer have the means to destress the way I used to and am still treading water trying to find alternatives. It seems like I am coming out of a fog where I felt like part of me stopped, like I lost a big part of who I am. It is not a fault of F's, just my reaction to going from one extreme to the other in so many ways and not recognising the grieving process it threw me into, nor taking the time to deal with it positively. Hopefully now I recognise what has been happening, things can only get better and my coping mechanisms kick in more proactively than they have been. LOL, of course, that might mean I become more of a handfull than I already am, but I am sure he can handle it.

Catalina

 

[rexfelis]

This thread has been hery helpful to understanding myself.

First, I thought, "Nah, 24/7 isn't for me."

Then I thought, "Maybe 24/7 is what I want after all."

Then I thought, "Hmmm, maybe 24/7 isn't for us."

Now I think, "Wow, I guess my desires are 24/7, what we have is 24/7, and my previous concepts of what 24/7 were flawed."

 

[catalina_francisco]

Bump....

 

[denalirayne]

I'd like to revisit this thread. I am new to this site & the BDSM lifestyle, so I am one of those with some misconceptions. I have read this thread from the beginning and still have some questions.

The biggest question my wife and I (also a female) have is what is the difference between 24/7 and marriage? Because it is currently illegal for us to wed in this state, we have discussed over the past 7+ years of our relationship various topics such as mentioned previously in this thread.

I recognize that there a mutual respect inherent in the d/s 24/7 relationship, so I can not understand how that relationship is different than our own "non-proclaimed" situation. Is it simply because we have not labeled it as such? Are there formal protocols that would establish our relationship as being specifically 24/7? If a sub can work & have friends & children and a social life, then how is that different from a wife?

Any guidance is appreciated. Also, please know that I have the UTMOST respect for all in the BDSM community & those who are living in a 24/7 relationship. I am simply trying to understand it more deeply.

Thank you,
Denali Rayne

 

[CutieMouse]

I'd like to revisit this thread. I am new to this site & the BDSM lifestyle, so I am one of those with some misconceptions. I have read this thread from the beginning and still have some questions.

The biggest question my wife and I (also a female) have is what is the difference between 24/7 and marriage? Because it is currently illegal for us to wed in this state, we have discussed over the past 7+ years of our relationship various topics such as mentioned previously in this thread.

I recognize that there a mutual respect inherent in the d/s 24/7 relationship, so I can not understand how that relationship is different than our own "non-proclaimed" situation. Is it simply because we have not labeled it as such? Are there formal protocols that would establish our relationship as being specifically 24/7? If a sub can work & have friends & children and a social life, then how is that different from a wife?

Any guidance is appreciated. Also, please know that I have the UTMOST respect for all in the BDSM community & those who are living in a 24/7 relationship. I am simply trying to understand it more deeply.

Thank you,
Denali Rayne

Relationships are relationships... regardless of power dynamics, labels, legal documents, yadayadayada.

Personally, I see no need to "formally" define any relationship I'm in as 24/7. I wouldn't stop being myself regardless of labels, nor would he... we'd simply be Lovers... with a lot of kinks... and quite a bit of power thrown in. LOL

Oh as for the wife thing- I'd be different from a wife, because I've BTDT, and have zero desire to do so, again. (Yes, Catalina... I know- never say never. )

 

[Daddyslilpet]

OK I absolutely hate to put labels on things anymore or try and define certain aspects of BDSM because there are so many ways it can be done. However, I do believe in this case I can make a small exception.

To me, 24/7 D/s equates to a full time relationship instead of a "play partner only" type relationship. That's how I see it. In other words like a husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc type relationship (FYI I always use the m/f put your own spin on it to fit your preferences).

So basically I don't think it has to be formally announced or anything like that, it just is. It's more about the level of commitment than the "time spent" on the relationship in my book.

 

[lk70]

I just read this whole thread from the beginning as well and the one thing I see that concerns me is the utter certainty that the master always knows what's best for the slave. Is that truly possible?

I can't imagine having so much trust and faith in someone else that I'd go along with what s/he said no matter how wrong it might feel to me.

Having said that, I know there are many times, maybe most times, where I can go along with someone else's plan. But not ALWAYS. I just couldn't agree to that. Probably be easier if I could.

 

[CutieMouse]

I just read this whole thread from the beginning as well and the one thing I see that concerns me is the utter certainty that the master always knows what's best for the slave. Is that truly possible?

I can't imagine having so much trust and faith in someone else that I'd go along with what s/he said no matter how wrong it might feel to me.

Having said that, I know there are many times, maybe most times, where I can go along with someone else's plan. But not ALWAYS. I just couldn't agree to that. Probably be easier if I could.

THis would be one reason why I am:

A) Picky as hell about who I'm in relationships with
B) Careful as hell to make sure we have similar (if not the same) outlook on life, morals, ethics, etc
C) Refuse to ever be in a relationship with someone who doesn't welcome my counsel, and trust my judgement. He isn't obligated to follow my adivce, but a smart man recognizes good advice when he sees it, and utilizes it as a tool to make good decisions.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

THis would be one reason why I am:

A) Picky as hell about who I'm in relationships with
B) Careful as hell to make sure we have similar (if not the same) outlook on life, morals, ethics, etc
C) Refuse to ever be in a relationship with someone who doesn't welcome my counsel, and trust my judgement. He isn't obligated to follow my adivce, but a smart man recognizes good advice when he sees it, and utilizes it as a tool to make good decisions.

Cutie, I could've written a lot of this myself.

In my situation, there are major health concerns that Daddy must listen to me about. He can't know what I'm feeling in my body so it is up to me to be totally open and honest with Him about where I am at physically every day. It is up to Him to listen to me and take my word for what is going on with my body and not assume He knows better than I do what I can and can not do at that particular time. Otherwise we could cause me serious damage and that isn't what either of us want.

I am of the firm belief that a responsible Dom/me seeks the advice of their sub, because D/s is still a relationship afterall that concerns both partners.

 

[hapicraele]

In 24/7 there are ups, downs, real life, illness, depression, as well as a slew of other issues.

The ideal 24/7 for so many I think is the castle notions with the bottom chained to the wall serving her master's every need.

But the reality is, its not feasible in most situations. Being a bottom is an absolute in my being regardless if any sex is involved or not. And serving my master's needs sometimes means bringing the cough syrup or grabbing the hammer.


hapi

 

[subgrl18]

I really enjoyed this thread. Its interesting to hear the different ways people experiance their 24/7 lifestyle. I learned alot from this thread

 

[Netzach]

I just read this whole thread from the beginning as well and the one thing I see that concerns me is the utter certainty that the master always knows what's best for the slave. Is that truly possible?

I can't imagine having so much trust and faith in someone else that I'd go along with what s/he said no matter how wrong it might feel to me.

Having said that, I know there are many times, maybe most times, where I can go along with someone else's plan. But not ALWAYS. I just couldn't agree to that. Probably be easier if I could.

My husband is like that, he's literally not capable of complying until he's had time to turn it over, figure it out, assimilate the knowledge and decide if it makes sense or not. What's funny, though, is that I don't think he's ever really decided not to go through with what I wanted after doing that.

I guess if I needed instant gratification this would be the wrong sub. I'm more interested in the end result and I scare myself with my own patience at times.

 

[Ebonyfire]

My husband is like that, he's literally not capable of complying until he's had time to turn it over, figure it out, assimilate the knowledge and decide if it makes sense or not. What's funny, though, is that I don't think he's ever really decided not to go through with what I wanted after doing that.

I guess if I needed instant gratification this would be the wrong sub. I'm more interested in the end result and I scare myself with my own patience at times.

Well they do say that patience is a virtue. And that is what I tell my subs.

However I don't know the meaning of the word.

 

[FurryFury]

My ex used to drive me crazy because if he didn't "understand" something he wouldn't do it. Instead he'd try to figure it out. I'd say just do it!

I remember specifically getting things ready for my father's memorial service and asking him to move something from point A to point B.

"I don't understand why you want that done."

"You don't have to understand it, just do it please!"

I was ready to kill him over shit like that. It was a bad time for me and he was just making it harder. How much damn brainpower does it take to pick up something and move it because the woman you supposedly love asked you too?

Okay, enough of this. I am getting worked up all over again which is sooooo stupid of me.

 

[Netzach]

Well they do say that patience is a virtue. And that is what I tell my subs.

However I don't know the meaning of the word.

I have more than one boy for a reason! LOL

 

[Netzach]

My ex used to drive me crazy because if he didn't "understand" something he wouldn't do it. Instead he'd try to figure it out. I'd say just do it!

I remember specifically getting things ready for my father's memorial service and asking him to move something from point A to point B.

"I don't understand why you want that done."

"You don't have to understand it, just do it please!"

I was ready to kill him over shit like that. It was a bad time for me and he was just making it harder. How much damn brainpower does it take to pick up something and move it because the woman you supposedly love asked you too?

Okay, enough of this. I am getting worked up all over again which is sooooo stupid of me.

We are working on this very topic, sorry to piss you off with it, but it came up again tonight and so there will be chats.

 

[FurryFury]

We are working on this very topic, sorry to piss you off with it, but it came up again tonight and so there will be chats.

Naw, I pissed myself off. I should be able to put all that in the past by now.

 

[catalina_francisco]

And so go the trials and tribulations, as well as the joys of being in a relationship.

Catalina

 

[alexanna]

My husband is like that, he's literally not capable of complying until he's had time to turn it over, figure it out, assimilate the knowledge and decide if it makes sense or not. What's funny, though, is that I don't think he's ever really decided not to go through with what I wanted after doing that.

I guess if I needed instant gratification this would be the wrong sub. I'm more interested in the end result and I scare myself with my own patience at times.

Edited to say: I see now you did say he never has ultimately disagreed after turning it over but I assume you are leaving open the possibility that he could some day.

Has he ever turned it over and over and over and decided you were wrong and then convinced you of same?

Here's my issue with 24/7. If my husband and I had been 24/7 I'd still be mormon and so would he. If you KNOW beyond a doubt something is wrong for you and your Dom do you just let it be for forever and decide it isn't wrong. I decided mormonism wasn't wrong for a long time (8 years) because I trusted his judgement that the good outweighed the bad, that it made us a happy couple\family blah blah blah but it was wrong for us. It took 6 months of utter HELL to convince him it was bad for us and our family and now we're happier in our relationship than we have ever been.

It bugs me that I feel like I will never be able to think of myself as a "true sub" because I dragged us out of that life. I know it doesn't really matter but on some level, to me, it still does. All the other BIG decisions I forced on us, and there are a couple, usually ended up not being such a good thing or they were at least neutral, albeit probably expensive knowing me.

In any case I hope to never be in a position where I feel compelled to rebel at that level of intensity for such a long period of time again but if push came to shove I know I always would if I knew beyond a doubt that his decision or indecision was really very bad for us and our children. The point is probably moot however since I can't think of any decisions we would have left that 1) he would be so adverse to listening to me on (religion is funny like that) and 2) of such a magnitude I would feel the need to put up such a fight on.

 

[Netzach]

Edited to say: I see now you did say he never has ultimately disagreed after turning it over but I assume you are leaving open the possibility that he could some day.

Has he ever turned it over and over and over and decided you were wrong and then convinced you of same?

Absolutely. I've been known to have my head up my ass. The only thing worse is someone who thinks they never have.

I was just talking about this today with my top. I think submission to him, run 1. was so crappy largely because I'd bought into the "submission = loving whatever the hell you get and shutting up" idea. I think that's a point that can be reached, but there needs to be a giving of information --- it would really help me if we did this or that - this or that is appealing to me and here's why. This is what I will probably DO if you do this or that.

I guess for me, it was good to kind of give up on always going along and see myself as charged with part of the responsibility of helping to create the dynamic and create a relationship that will be functional and good.

 

[alexanna]

I was just talking about this today with my top. I think submission to him, run 1. was so crappy largely because I'd bought into the "submission = loving whatever the hell you get and shutting up" idea. I think that's a point that can be reached, but there needs to be a giving of information --- it would really help me if we did this or that - this or that is appealing to me and here's why. This is what I will probably DO if you do this or that

Thank you, this is good advice for me even in the bedroom only sense. I am very worried about getting a sort of romantical, starry eyed, submission that could sabotage us. Its not as if we started out like this. I know him and us and he's going to make more mistakes if I just take whatever and eventually I'll rebel.

I do still have some romantic notions of submission however and alot of what Catalina and OSG have said definitely strikes a chord. In my twenties I could have entered into such a relationship I think and been happy for several years even but eventually unless the Dom was exceptional (he wouldn't have been, I liked abusive men) the other half of my personality would have welled up and that would have been it.

Sometimes I go back and read my journal from during my days with my first love (a sadist) and I miss being that girl. I can't deny she had a sort of graceful serentity I haven't felt since but for me having that state permanently will never be an option I think. I am happy for those for whom it is.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I do still have some romantic notions of submission however and alot of what Catalina and OSG have said definitely strikes a chord. In my twenties I could have entered into such a relationship I think and been happy for several years even but eventually unless the Dom was exceptional (he wouldn't have been, I liked abusive men) the other half of my personality would have welled up and that would have been it.

Sometimes I go back and read my journal from during my days with my first love (a sadist) and I miss being that girl. I can't deny she had a sort of graceful serentity I haven't felt since but for me having that state permanently will never be an option I think. I am happy for those for whom it is.

I am the opposite in that I know I could never have submitted to such an arrangement in my 20's and 30's. For me, I needed to spread my wings, face life's challenges and survive regardless, and nurture and accept a sense of self which recognised deep inside that I did not need a relationship to complete me, nor did I need another to direct and rule my life...until I reached that place I not only felt I didn't have anything substantial to offer, the maturity to submit to such a degree, but I know I would have failed miserably and been alternating forever between rebellion and self doubt. That self knowledge is what brings me peace when I get those panic days when I think it is all going wrong or not the way I imagined it would be.


Catalina