AwkwardMD and Omenainen Review Thread

[Bazzle]

Thought I could put this one into the pile

https://literotica.com/s/mean-business

I've toned down the smoking and ramped up the erotica!

 

[Omenainen]

Inescapable Pleasure
@Seracae

Welcome to Lit!

I’m sorry you’ve felt trapped by your own success, that doesn’t seem like a fruitful place to be in. Let’s see if we can help you out of there. In case you’re not familiar with our reviewing style, I give you a heads up that we’re blunt to the point of being rude. It’s not our goal to discourage you but sugarcoating isn’t a strong skill for us.

As this was your first story, I won’t go into specifics about the story right away. I’ll start by talking a little about the site mechanics. On Lit, the majority of views usually come when the story is fresh on the new lists, and once it drops off the view count dwindles. Competition stories have the competition list to give them more visibility, and some tags are better than others, but what really helps is being on a category top list, like yours is.

I congratulate you for hitting a home run with your first story! It’s nothing to snort about. A lot of authors never get there, no matter which category they write in.

As it happens, I have a success story much like yours: my story Coming Together is on Anal top list, with a score much like yours. On Lit, some categories are small and some are big. Both Toys & Masturbation and Anal are small categories. In many of the bigger categories the thresholds to top lists are higher, and also there’s a lot more competition. My story was the category best for the month and then the reader’s choice for the whole year, and I attribute a lot of that success to the fact that better writers didn’t happen to write Anal at the time. I didn’t think I’d ever hit top lists in any category, and I still think I couldn’t possibly do that in any of the categories where the top list top spots are > 4.9. I’m not bad, but my scores aren’t that good.

I don’t think Coming Together is significantly better than my other stories. However, being on the top list means that it has over 100k views; in comparison, my next most viewed one is at 40k. It’s just how it goes. Writing in different categories has helped me see how much they differ in terms of reader engagement, view counts, and scores. Each category has its own quirks and sweet spots. Author’s Hangout is full of threads about all that.

You ask

I don't know it it worked because of the specific themes I wrote it for (progressive self-corruption), or if it was the specific fetishes in play (self bondage, overstimulation, danger play). Or was it purely the writing style, and the topic matter was less of a priority?

It’s the kink. The fetishes. You gave your kink a honest go, and it hit a sweet spot with enough readers that it made the top lists. From there, more appreciative readers have found it. Your comments attest to this.

Writing isn’t bad but it also isn’t spectacular. You have some rookie mistakes like shifting tenses, sentences starting with “and” or “but” or, god forbid, “and so”. This is rarely necessary and pruning them leads to tighter writing. At times, you seemed to cruise over the story on some higher level instead of diving into the weeds where the magic happens, even within the scene that is the crux of the story.

As a story it’s not very remarkable. There’s virtually no plot; this is a narration of a scene. You could’ve skipped all the exposition until the main scene completely, maybe adding a few sentences to cover the whole of it, not that it was that important - you covered half the protagonist’s life from ten thousand feet but didn’t even give her a name. “Falling into depravity” is a fairly common theme. For it to be effective there needs to be more emotional surface to latch onto, a lot more showing and a lot less telling. She needs to have something to lose for there to be stakes and emotional investment.

You had these seeds of ideas that you then didn’t utilize, like the video aspect. This story could’ve been striking if you had told the story of her watching the video afterwards, hardly believing it is her, remembering it and describing the video. Watching herself struggle, seeing real panic on her own face and getting off on it. That would’ve been wicked. That also would’ve given the time-keeping more credibility, because from within the scene, I felt it was a little too analytical for her to be always on top of how many minutes it was since whatever.

I give you the same advice as AlinaX, which is to write new stories. Another tip to Lit success is that you can write basically the same story, only switching names, and the readers will eat it up all over again. Come up with another way to get stuck in a sex machine and you’re all set. Chapter 2 of even the best story will rarely do half as well as a good standalone from the same premise. Personally, I’d also encourage you to write in different categories, just to try them out.

I hope this helps you get unstuck and write more smut. It’s a great hobby and Lit is a fun place.

 

[vagrantx]

This story could’ve been striking if you had told the story of her watching the video afterwards [...] That would’ve been wicked.

I don't want to interject too much in the ongoing discussion. I tried giving Seracae feedback but fell woefully short, so, thank you for taking the time!
But (heheheh...) what you wish for here did happen, no? It's half of the final page. The MC watching the video.

 

[Omenainen]

I don't want to interject too much in the ongoing discussion. I tried giving Seracae feedback but fell woefully short, so, thank you for taking the time!
But (heheheh...) what you wish for here did happen, no? It's half of the final page. The MC watching the video.

Yes, but it was underutilized. I meant if the whole story was structured so it starts with her putting on the video, going through the scene from both inside and out. That also would’ve made it possible to include the visual aspects that were largely left out or felt out of place from within the scene.

 

[vagrantx]

Yes, but it was underutilized. I meant if the whole story was structured so it starts with her putting on the video, going through the scene from both inside and out. That also would’ve made it possible to include the visual aspects that were largely left out or felt out of place from within the scene.

Aaah! Right. Understood. Thanks for the clarification.

Also, glad midsommar! Hyvää...... uh, midsommarainen.

 

[Omenainen]

Aaah! Right. Understood. Thanks for the clarification.

Also, glad midsommar! Hyvää...... uh, midsommarainen.

Hyvää juhannusta kära grannen!

 

[AlinaX]

Yes, but it was underutilized. I meant if the whole story was structured so it starts with her putting on the video, going through the scene from both inside and out. That also would’ve made it possible to include the visual aspects that were largely left out or felt out of place from within the scene.

I guess it could be like those Returning To Childhood Home stories.

A year has passed. More. But the chains are still there, cold and seductive, amidst the dust of long neglect. The recording still exists too, and has never been watched, because of my mother's accident. Taking care of my mother, living with her, made any possibility of further indulgences impossible. But my mother is gone now, and I am home, and alone with the memory of that night...

 

[AwkwardMD]

I guess it could be like those Returning To Childhood Home stories.

This would be devastatingly good.

 

[Seracae]

This is fantastic feedback, thank you. I'd like to break it down, because I'm curious if my motivations for some of the "negatives" outweigh the issues they bring or not.

It’s the kink. The fetishes. You gave your kink a honest go, and it hit a sweet spot with enough readers that it made the top lists. From there, more appreciative readers have found it. Your comments attest to this.

This sounds dead on; popularity increases audience, and not to expect as many "deep readers" on future stories by default. I think I'd still want to write towards the "deep reader" audience anyway for my own gratification, so understanding why future stories may get less of that feedback is good to keep in mind.

Writing isn’t bad but it also isn’t spectacular. You have some rookie mistakes like shifting tenses, sentences starting with “and” or “but” or, god forbid, “and so”. This is rarely necessary and pruning them leads to tighter writing.

I need to get an editor for these; I've done that tense thing since high school and I can't shake it. I looked at something else I was writing and found three "and so"'s in it immediately; apparently, this is an ongoing issue. Hopefully now that I'm aware if it, it'll crop up less.

At times, you seemed to cruise over the story on some higher level instead of diving into the weeds where the magic happens, even within the scene that is the crux of the story.

As a story it’s not very remarkable. There’s virtually no plot; this is a narration of a scene. You could’ve skipped all the exposition until the main scene completely, maybe adding a few sentences to cover the whole of it, not that it was that important - you covered half the protagonist’s life from ten thousand feet but didn’t even give her a name. “Falling into depravity” is a fairly common theme. For it to be effective there needs to be more emotional surface to latch onto, a lot more showing and a lot less telling. She needs to have something to lose for there to be stakes and emotional investment.

So, this is where the crux of my stylistic intent lies. I went for two specific aims at once with this structure, very deliberately. Firstly, the intent of the strange pacing was to try and have the story structure itself emulate a sexual encounter: a longer, more psychological "foreplay" section that builds anticipation for those who would know where the story is clearly going, a drawn out and detailed "sex" section where the action happens, and the relatively shorter "afterglow" when I assume the reader is spent and wrap up narrative loose ends, like confirming her self-corruption. But, to make this work, it obviously means sacrificing some traditional storytelling conventions. And I guess what I'm unsure of is: did this work? Is this part of why it was popular, because it was designed to be a sexual experience to read? Or is this all egotistical, overblown fluff that the story succeeded in spite of?

The second aspect is her lack of name, and the style of emotional investment. Since she was the singular character in the story, about a purely solitary experience, I decided to avoid giving her a name to reduce the reader's distance to her experience. It wasn't meant to strictly be reading about these things happening to Suzy the Bondage Slut, but rather a detailed description of events that a reader can insert themselves into. Part of what kept stopping me from a direct sequel is that including any other characters would force me to give her a name.

You had these seeds of ideas that you then didn’t utilize, like the video aspect. This story could’ve been striking if you had told the story of her watching the video afterwards, hardly believing it is her, remembering it and describing the video. Watching herself struggle, seeing real panic on her own face and getting off on it. That would’ve been wicked. That also would’ve given the time-keeping more credibility, because from within the scene, I felt it was a little too analytical for her to be always on top of how many minutes it was since whatever.

I've already explained the detailed nature of the scene, and that applies to why I had her be hyperaware of the time spent: it was meant to clearly communicate the length of time to the reader, so they could imagine themselves with that same hyperawareness in her situation.

The video was indeed treated as an afterthought. Mostly because it was placed in the "afterglow" portion of the story and I didn't want to weigh that section down, but I will admit that I'm less confident about how it was used. Ironically, watching the video would have been the obvious plot of a whole sequel, but that ship has sailed. Lessons for the future, I guess.

Another tip to Lit success is that you can write basically the same story, only switching names, and the readers will eat it up all over again. Come up with another way to get stuck in a sex machine and you’re all set. Chapter 2 of even the best story will rarely do half as well as a good standalone from the same premise.

I was starting to lean this way, but felt like it injured my "creative pride" or something equally inane. But the more I think on it, I think I'd enjoy trying to reuse the narrative pacing format with swapped-out scenarios, to see if that really is the "magic sauce". And even if it never works again, I'd at least enjoy the creative exercise.

All of this, both the feedback and walking myself through my own responses, has been hugely helpful. The fact that I feel like the "reading as a sexual experience" thing is worth defending at least guides me towards putting it to the test a few more times. Even if I'm dead wrong, I'll at least get it out of my system. And I think that is what was pushing me towards wanting to write a sequel, because I really don't feel any compulsion to continue Her specific story.

Thank you very much! I'm glad I got directed here.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

Would any of you two consider looking at this little (7k words) piece of mine?

The Man from Winter

It's the first chapter of a not-so-sci-fi story.

Omenainen and AMD will not review this story, because you're on AMD's ignore list. But I'm pretty sure I'm on AMD's ignore list too, so perhaps that makes me a good candidate for reviewing it. Haha

Okay, first things first, I offer no guarantees that I will offer any more useful advice than "How to make a story that MediocreAuthor would like", and that is not necessarily a goal that any author should aspire too, but at least I'm honest about my critiques.

With that in mind, let's dive in, shall we?

---

Let's start out with the good.

I found this story intriguing. While there were some small hiccups with the world-building, I really found the idea of an alien living a relatively mundane life out in the open on earth interesting. You took this exotic thing, and you showed a world in which people mostly shrug and ignore it. That is very human, ironically.

People grow bored with even the most fascinating things, so I could totally believe that humans would do so with aliens. I mean, people in the story are interested Theryn, but not like we see in many alien stories set in the near future.

Also, I was interested in Theryn's friendship with Roland. I found Roland's behavior to be unique, but not unbelievable. A lonely man seeking a relationship with a mostly incompatible sexual partner was compelling... but to me, the lack of sex really elevated the story.

Let's be honest, this story is on Lit, and in the back of my mind, I was waiting for Theryn to just give in and fuck Roland, and I was delighted when that didn't happen. Their chemistry was good, but it would have been very porn-y if they had hooked up at this point. I applaud your decision to hold off with the sex.

Furthermore, I found the dialog pretty believable and enjoyable (for the most part). Occasionally, I felt that Roland was a bit too forward:

"Roland turns to face the stranger. "I like you," he says. "I find you very attractive. I have made up my mind to have you, Ambassador. You're going to be mine.""

However, this is not exactly unbelievable, and I assume that many of us have dealt with (or at least seen) overly-horny men attempting to push a relationship beyond its limits. So even those portions of the story worked well enough.

---

Alright, now let me get to the things I feel could be improved, starting with POV.

This story is written from Third Person Omniscient view, in Present tense. That, in and of itself, is not an issue. However, I would like to present the idea that 3rdPerPresent is not an ideal view point for this story.

So I write in Third Person Past tense and First Person Present tense, and I have specific reasons for both.

Past tense is the way in which most stories are told. If you go to the grocery store and encounter a rude customer, the way in which you tell your friends about it will be past tense. "...Then she said... Then I said... Then the manager jumped in and said..."

The millisecond after an event has occurred, it becomes the past, and as such the story about it is most often best told in past tense. Sooooo... why do we tell stories in present tense? Because there is a very good reason to do so.

IMHO, stories are best told in present tense when they are told in first person perspective (particularly when there is a dangerous situation being described).

To me, it reads like this:

"I (the speaker) am in a horrifying scenario, and you (the reader) are helpless to aid me! I need your assistance right now, and you can do nothing to help me in this moment!"

First Person Present tense really leaps off the page when this is done correctly.

When you read a story in First Person, Past tense, on the other hand, it feels like reading someone's memoirs. In the back of your head, you think "Obviously this person survived this situation, otherwise how could they be telling me the story?" Sure, the narrator could be a ghost or whatever, but to me, it feels like it sucks out all the fear.

It's the opposite with third person past tense. If I read a narrator describing a dangerous situation, I know that perhaps the character in danger WILL die, because the narrator can kill them off and have no difficulty detailing their funeral.

My point? Every perspective and tense has its proper place.

But your story is in third person, present tense. Why? Why is a narrator describing events from the future to the reader as they happen? I can't help but think that I would feel more at home listening to a story told to me about how an event occurred, rather than hearing it as it transpires, second by second.

A lot of authors will tell you to avoid present tense all together, but I disagree. However, I don't think this story gained anything from present tense, and overall I think it detracted from the story overall.

Alright, second issue.

"The Man from Winter."

You call the alien a man. You insist that this extraterrestrial is a man, in spite of the alien's biology.
I don't understand it. You go to such pains to describe to us that this alien is androgynous and normally sexless, filling the gap between genders with sci-fi flavor, and yet you constantly refer to "him" with masculine pronouns and descriptors.

Now, I am not even considering getting into a discussion about gender theory and proper pronoun usage in this thread, but I will say that it was unusual to read two seemingly contradictory ideas, one after another, over and over.

While his gender and age are both uncertain, his ethnicity is all but impossible.

If there had been a line in the story about Theryn preferring masculine pronouns, then I would have absolutely no issue with it. But unless I missed something, that never happened. Now, I suppose that in the case of an androgynous alien, you do have to pick a pronoun to use, and I can understand why you would use male, since male pronouns are used to describe humanity as a whole.

But at least to me, it pulled away from the sci-fi experience.

In one line, you say that the creature's gender is a total anomaly... the creature doesn't fit any established gender.

For a while, Roland tries to see Theryn as a woman and fails. Then he tries to picture Theryn as a gay man with a sense of fashion but fails again.

And in the next line, you go back to calling this alien, androgynous creature a male. And let's not forget that you named the story "The Man from Winter"

I just feel like a lot would have been gained by referring to this alien creature as... They.

---

All humor aside, I enjoyed this story, and I will probably check out the next chapter when it comes out.

 

[AlinaX]

A lot of authors will tell you to avoid present tense all together

This subject gets discussed here often, of course, but it is important. In particular:

Third person present tense can be good for stepping outside of the world, making the reader a spectator disconnected from events.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

This subject gets discussed here often, of course, but it is important. In particular:

And I would also say that the first-person present tense is quite often used when the author wants the reader to feel the action. I am actually using it in this Story Game I am writing instead of second-person present tense. God knows how that will turn out

 

[AwkwardMD]

And I would also say that the first-person present tense is quite often used when the author wants the reader to feel the action. I am actually using it in this Story Game I am writing instead of second-person present tense. God knows how that will turn out

I hear people say this, but I have almost never encountered writing that was trying to make use of first person as a truly gripping delivery method. It's rare that stories are thought out enough to consider the experience of something, as differentiated from the series of things that happened, and then try to channel that through the medium of words.

Let's be honest, most first person stories are from authors who can't or aren't yet at the stage of growth where they can step outside their own experience and lack the ability to write about something bigger than themselves. Hands up if your first story or two were first person but you haven't returned to it in a while.

Edit: it's me, hi.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

I hear people say this, but I have almost never encountered writing that was trying to make use of first person as a truly gripping delivery method. It's rare that stories are thought out enough to consider the experience of something, as differentiated from the series of things that happened, and then try to channel that through the medium of words.

Let's be honest, most first person stories are from authors who can't or aren't yet at the stage of growth where they can step outside their own experience and lack the ability to write about something bigger than themselves. Hands up if your first story or two were first person but you haven't returned to it in a while.

Edit: it's me, hi.

I think first-person is appropriate for games. Maybe third-person can still work, but to me, first or second person seem like the way to go in such cases.
For stories and novels... yeah, I don't feel comfortable claiming this or that is better. I hardly feel qualified, to be honest, so I can only speak about my own experiences. Until this Story-Game project, I used third-person past tense, exclusively. It lets me convey much more than the first-person perspective. It also lets me get into different characters' POVs; it lets me show their thoughts and emotions and it lets me detach from a scene. I was tempted a few times to try the first person perspective, and to be honest, I think it would work well in short stories... which I don't write at all.
So yeah, when I'm done with this fun experiment, I'll be back where I feel I do my best work.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

I hear people say this, but I have almost never encountered writing that was trying to make use of first person as a truly gripping delivery method. It's rare that stories are thought out enough to consider the experience of something, as differentiated from the series of things that happened, and then try to channel that through the medium of words.

Let's be honest, most first person stories are from authors who can't or aren't yet at the stage of growth where they can step outside their own experience and lack the ability to write about something bigger than themselves. Hands up if your first story or two were first person but you haven't returned to it in a while.

Edit: it's me, hi.

Have you read First Person Present tense in erotic horror stories? Because that's where it shines, in my opinion. That and in unreliable narrator stories.

And (I certainly hope) in mose cases, erotic horror does not reflect the author's personal experiences.

 

[vagrantx]

I hear people say this, but I have almost never encountered writing that was trying to make use of first person as a truly gripping delivery method.

It's been a long long while since I read it, but, American Psycho is written in first person and is done so marvelously. There's one chapter in particular which starts mid-sentence with Patrick bolting buck naked down the street, then ends mid-sentence as well. Not a lot of books out there that gets my adrenaline running, but that's one of them.

 

[Bramblethorn]

It's been a long long while since I read it, but, American Psycho is written in first person and is done so marvelously. There's one chapter in particular which starts mid-sentence with Patrick bolting buck naked down the street, then ends mid-sentence as well. Not a lot of books out there that gets my adrenaline running, but that's one of them.

I think one area where first person works well, and part of what it's used for in that particular novel, is establishing an unreliable narrator. Third person, even third person close, carries a bit more expectation of truthfulness.

 

[NoviceAspen]

Of course you’re all talking about first person present tense right as I’m about to ask for feedback on this

https://literotica.com/s/the-hotel-guests-and-the-blindfold

Told in the first person, perspective is a BBW in consensual bondage, shared by her husband with a group of strangers.

This was my first ever contest submission (for Nude Day 2024). I don’t expect to win anything but I would love feedback so I know what to work on next time.

It is heavy on the internal monologue - everything she is thinking and feeling. This part represents me a lot, I have ADHD and my brain never shuts up. I’m wondering if that appeals to people?

 

[AwkwardMD]

This is fantastic feedback, thank you. I'd like to break it down, because I'm curious if my motivations for some of the "negatives" outweigh the issues they bring or not.

This sounds dead on; popularity increases audience, and not to expect as many "deep readers" on future stories by default. I think I'd still want to write towards the "deep reader" audience anyway for my own gratification, so understanding why future stories may get less of that feedback is good to keep in mind.

I need to get an editor for these; I've done that tense thing since high school and I can't shake it. I looked at something else I was writing and found three "and so"'s in it immediately; apparently, this is an ongoing issue. Hopefully now that I'm aware if it, it'll crop up less.

So, this is where the crux of my stylistic intent lies. I went for two specific aims at once with this structure, very deliberately. Firstly, the intent of the strange pacing was to try and have the story structure itself emulate a sexual encounter: a longer, more psychological "foreplay" section that builds anticipation for those who would know where the story is clearly going, a drawn out and detailed "sex" section where the action happens, and the relatively shorter "afterglow" when I assume the reader is spent and wrap up narrative loose ends, like confirming her self-corruption. But, to make this work, it obviously means sacrificing some traditional storytelling conventions. And I guess what I'm unsure of is: did this work? Is this part of why it was popular, because it was designed to be a sexual experience to read? Or is this all egotistical, overblown fluff that the story succeeded in spite of?

The second aspect is her lack of name, and the style of emotional investment. Since she was the singular character in the story, about a purely solitary experience, I decided to avoid giving her a name to reduce the reader's distance to her experience. It wasn't meant to strictly be reading about these things happening to Suzy the Bondage Slut, but rather a detailed description of events that a reader can insert themselves into. Part of what kept stopping me from a direct sequel is that including any other characters would force me to give her a name.

I've already explained the detailed nature of the scene, and that applies to why I had her be hyperaware of the time spent: it was meant to clearly communicate the length of time to the reader, so they could imagine themselves with that same hyperawareness in her situation.

The video was indeed treated as an afterthought. Mostly because it was placed in the "afterglow" portion of the story and I didn't want to weigh that section down, but I will admit that I'm less confident about how it was used. Ironically, watching the video would have been the obvious plot of a whole sequel, but that ship has sailed. Lessons for the future, I guess.

I was starting to lean this way, but felt like it injured my "creative pride" or something equally inane. But the more I think on it, I think I'd enjoy trying to reuse the narrative pacing format with swapped-out scenarios, to see if that really is the "magic sauce". And even if it never works again, I'd at least enjoy the creative exercise.

All of this, both the feedback and walking myself through my own responses, has been hugely helpful. The fact that I feel like the "reading as a sexual experience" thing is worth defending at least guides me towards putting it to the test a few more times. Even if I'm dead wrong, I'll at least get it out of my system. And I think that is what was pushing me towards wanting to write a sequel, because I really don't feel any compulsion to continue Her specific story.

Thank you very much! I'm glad I got directed here.

Hello! Good to hear you found the review useful! Just wanted to address a couple things.

I would not say that you have a longer, more psychological foreplay section; what you have is front loaded exposition. It’s a recitation of escalation without context. When she gets a job, the story just says something like “I went into a field where I didn’t have to worry about money.” You are actively avoiding anything that isn’t the very specific point of the story. As Dan Olson once said, “That’s not subtext, that’s just text.”

It’s inaccurate to think that people can’t self-insert into a character with a name, as if it matters if the character’s name is Georgia and the reader is Pauline. Readers can and will self insert into characters who are a different race, gender, or who are exploring completely different kinks from their own, as long as you make the characters relatable. I see several comments on this story from men, saying “you got me into the mindset”. That didn’t happen because of a lack of details; it came from the sex scene where your writing really captured something strong.

Generally speaking, we’re of the opinion that when you can remove something from a story and the story doesn’t suffer, you have made the story stronger. If you could remove the first ~3000 words of Inescapable Pleasure, start with her locking herself in, and just intersperse a sentence here and a sentence there that gestures in the direction of “It’s been a long road of self-discovery”, you’ve made the story much more robust. I would not go so far as to say IP succeeded in spite of your style, because I don’t think it was hindering you, but structure was not in the Pro column on my tally sheet.

Obviously, this does not account for taste. You can and should write to whatever pacing you enjoy, because the point of writing is self-fulfillment and not appeasing strangers on the internet.

***

Most of the time, we go into reviews assuming that requesters know who we are. Omen and I have been writing on Lit for a while, and we’ve done okay for ourselves. We’re hardly popular, but we are a known quantity among the authors who frequent these forums. The advice we give doesn’t live in a vacuum or in some holy text that we preach from, it’s the basis of our own writing. As it happens, I have a story of my own that explores the “descent into depravity” theme. If you want to see the practical implementation of our advice, check out my story Human Resource (link to my stories in my signature). How much you like Human Resource will tell you how much you might get out of our suggestions.

 

[Omenainen]

Readers can and will self insert into characters who are a different race, gender, or who are exploring completely different kinks from their own…

Or orcs.

As it happens, I have a story of my own that explores the “descent into depravity” theme. If you want to see the practical implementation of our advice, check out my story Human Resource (link to my stories in my signature). How much you like Human Resource will tell you how much you might get out of our suggestions.

(Personally, I think Human Resource is awwwwwwful. Highly effective, yes, but awwwwwwful.)

 

[AwkwardMD]

@Bazzle
Link

This is, undoubtedly, a more complicated and focused work. Commendable to expand your ambitions. In Phantom Flings there were no real hurdles to the story. There was a girl and ghost, and the ghost touched her and she liked it. By contrast, Mean Business had believable hurdles, increasing tension, and a payoff. Love to see that. That being said, this is your second story so we’re gonna cut a little deeper.

I’m going to guess that you are, by style, a bit of a pantser, because this beginning feels like something you wrote while you were waiting for the path forward to reveal itself, and it all got away from you. I appreciate writing from two different perspectives, that’s good, but you went too far with showing us both sides of everything. Too much time treading the same waters over and over.

There’s a delicate balance to information, and it takes a combination of skill and confidence to get it just right. Obviously, your mileage may vary, but the more you learn to trust your readers the more you’ll discover that you can let them figure some things out on their own.

Mean Business represents just about the most amount of too much information possible. Both characters are giving us the full backstory, thought process, and follow through on every decision they make. Even if there was only one main character, I would say this was too much info. With both of them, it’s redundantly oversharing.

Another indicator this was pantsed was the way the boss kept cycling through justifications for “Why won’t he just bang me?” She lapped herself, repeating different reasons she’d already shared and discounted. It felt like you lacked a plan for her, to work through each piece of misinformation she holds onto, in order to get us to the end. I think this story would have been stronger if it was just from her perspective as she works through a checklist. I want my employee to fuck me, but he seems immune. As near as I can tell, there are maybe 3 reasons why. Go. She tests one theory, then another, then another, and when she’s exhausted herself she tries something much more direct and that finally gets him.

This is not a condemnation of pantsing. Lots of authors I know pants their way to great stories, but you put this story in front of me so I am going to point out that it is meandering and unfocused.

***

(As with nearly every story I’ve ever reviewed) I could have used a bit more show and a bit less tell, but I think that was a function of the style in which you wrote it rather than that you planned to info dump.

***

We noticed a pattern between this story and Phantom Flings. In Phantom Flings, the FMC was an author who wrote a story-within-the-story that very closely mirrored the main story being told, to the point of redundancy. In Mean Business, we’re seeing the same scene twice from two different perspectives. You like juxtaposition, and that’s fine, but the way you follow through on this idea of… alternate versions/interpretations is repetitive. It’s possible to pull off, but I don’t think that ‘redundancy’ is on your radar as a problem to be thought about or avoided.

Try giving the readers every piece of information only once. You can alternate between point of views and still carry the plot forward, but it takes a little bit more awareness, forethought, and planning.

***

As far as concrete steps for improvement, I think the biggest thing you can improve on in the wake of Mean Business is the opening. The first (I wanna say) four chapters of this, each character back and forth twice, was very dry and (as mentioned above) repetitive. Readers do not owe you their time. Had I not been there to review this story, I would have backed out after half a page. It’s well-enough written, but I identified pretty early on that nothing was going to happen for a while and it turned out I was right.

You might want to experiment with in media res as a tool for opening your stories. Any time a reader opens your story, they are investing some trust in you to take them somewhere. You don’t owe them anything, but it’s not a bad thought to have in the back of your head that they are only reading your work because they extended you some credit. You accrue the readership you really want, the people who get what you are doing, by encouraging readers to stick with you. A little bit of “meeting reader expectations” and a dash of “giving the reader a reason to care early on” would have vastly changed the reading experience.

 

[Bazzle]

Okay, I will take this as an improvement
It was pants to a point, but I knew the destination. The how do they get there was driven by them.
I guess why is important to me. So the information dump. Which I can understand is very dry.
BUT thank you ever so much for reading it.
I will keep trying to be inventive. Sometimes my ideas are better than my writing!

B

 

[AwkwardMD]

Okay, I will take this as an improvement
It was pants to a point, but I knew the destination. The how do they get there was driven by them.
I guess why is important to me. So the information dump. Which I can understand is very dry.
BUT thank you ever so much for reading it.
I will keep trying to be inventive. Sometimes my ideas are better than my writing!

B

Off the top of my head, @MelissaBaby 's Ranger Ramona is an excellent example of a story that fills in the why along the way, through organic dialog and brief flashbacks that don't interrupt the flow of the larger story.

EDIT: Don't take away that I'm diminishing why. I love why, but there are more elegant ways to leave that information for your reader than shoveling it at them.

 

[Omenainen]

@NoviceAspen
The Hotel Guests and the Blindfold

We have a long history of being bad at giving positive reviews, so let’s see how we manage this one…

Muchos good! Very bueno much wow.

Okay okay, for real

The Hotel Guests and the Blindfold is a very well executed story. The beginning is gripping and carries the reader through the following info dump. It’s much less egregious to get this much information with a teaser in place to keep the reader’s interest. The background info itself feels relevant to the kink and not overindulgent. I usually abhor breaking the fourth wall and giving specific measurements like cup sizes, but this story shows that when done well, anything goes.

I appreciated how the beginning was referenced throughout the story, finally tying the end back to it. The gist of the story, the gang bang itself, was very well described.

Personally, what I most loved about this story is the respect. Everyone is treated respectfully, and the trust between the spouses is palpable. I also really appreciated the body positivity aspect and including a nonbinary person. I suppose I’m not representative of readership’s general preferences, but you really reached me with this approach. Kudos!

You asked if describing her inner thoughts and feelings was too ADHD. I can’t say about the readers, but my understanding is that of the authors around here, a significant percentage are neurodivergent, so you’re in good company. If anything, I think you could have covered both physical and emotional feelings in even more detail. About the time that Velma was getting spanked, and she’s had an edible, and she’s had a good orgasm or two and is really worked up, I was ready for there to be a kind of internal vision quest. A little bit of dissociation, a little bit of reflection, and a bit less of “And then this, and then this, and then this.” There was an opportunity in that spot, given how well you’d built everything up to that point.

The “breaking free from the grip of religion” seemed a little underutilized, you could have leaned into it more or then made it be a little less of a thing in the “telling, not showing” sections in the beginning and end.

Honestly, all I can think of are minor suggestions. The story is extremely good as is. There’s nothing I would classify as a flaw. The writing is very good and the story flows well. No detail feels like too much or out of place. You used tags well. Title could be catchier, but that’s nitpicking at best.

Welcome to Lit! I’m so happy to have more authors like you around here. I wish you every success going forward. I know this review is all but useless in improving your craft, so if you ever have a story that falls flat and you don’t quite know why, or where you have questions about a certain technique you tried to use or whatever, you can always come back for another review.

Well done. Much awe.

 

[NoviceAspen]

@NoviceAspen
The Hotel Guests and the Blindfold

We have a long history of being bad at giving positive reviews, so let’s see how we manage this one…

Muchos good! Very bueno much wow.

Okay okay, for real

The Hotel Guests and the Blindfold is a very well executed story. The beginning is gripping and carries the reader through the following info dump. It’s much less egregious to get this much information with a teaser in place to keep the reader’s interest. The background info itself feels relevant to the kink and not overindulgent. I usually abhor breaking the fourth wall and giving specific measurements like cup sizes, but this story shows that when done well, anything goes.

I appreciated how the beginning was referenced throughout the story, finally tying the end back to it. The gist of the story, the gang bang itself, was very well described.

Personally, what I most loved about this story is the respect. Everyone is treated respectfully, and the trust between the spouses is palpable. I also really appreciated the body positivity aspect and including a nonbinary person. I suppose I’m not representative of readership’s general preferences, but you really reached me with this approach. Kudos!

You asked if describing her inner thoughts and feelings was too ADHD. I can’t say about the readers, but my understanding is that of the authors around here, a significant percentage are neurodivergent, so you’re in good company. If anything, I think you could have covered both physical and emotional feelings in even more detail. About the time that Velma was getting spanked, and she’s had an edible, and she’s had a good orgasm or two and is really worked up, I was ready for there to be a kind of internal vision quest. A little bit of dissociation, a little bit of reflection, and a bit less of “And then this, and then this, and then this.” There was an opportunity in that spot, given how well you’d built everything up to that point.

The “breaking free from the grip of religion” seemed a little underutilized, you could have leaned into it more or then made it be a little less of a thing in the “telling, not showing” sections in the beginning and end.

Honestly, all I can think of are minor suggestions. The story is extremely good as is. There’s nothing I would classify as a flaw. The writing is very good and the story flows well. No detail feels like too much or out of place. You used tags well. Title could be catchier, but that’s nitpicking at best.

Welcome to Lit! I’m so happy to have more authors like you around here. I wish you every success going forward. I know this review is all but useless in improving your craft, so if you ever have a story that falls flat and you don’t quite know why, or where you have questions about a certain technique you tried to use or whatever, you can always come back for another review.

Well done. Much awe.

Thank you so much for your kind words! I am floored actually.
I have a few other works on here that are not nearly as good but I know why, I mostly was just noodling around with different ideas. This is the first one I’ve really put a lot of myself into, which is why I wanted some high quality feedback. Thanks again!