Bard's Review Thread: My $0.02 on your stories

[Bramblethorn]

Different techniques work for different writers. As wordiness seems to be my current issue, using his technique may be what I need.

King doesn't use an outline - he starts with interesting characters in an interesting situation and sees where the story takes him. I can't imagine writing that way as I have the whole plot worked out in my head before I write word one.

My usual process goes something like this:

- come up with outline
- develop characters required by outline
- characters develop in unexpected directions, hijack story away from the outline

So the outline is useful even if I don't end up sticking to it. Kind of a Stone Soup thing.

 

[Sammael Bard]

I was reading Stephen King's "On Writing" last night and he strives for his final draft to have 10% less words than his first draft. I'll try doing the same.

This is the particular advice that I want to share with you:

If one word can replace three, fix it. Example: My hand started to move... vs. My hand moved... Or how about BEGAN for STARTED TO

Remove unneeded, distracting words. Example: He stood UP... Can he stand down? Therefore He stood... is probably all you need. 'He walked OUT INTO the kitchen', would read better as 'He went to the kitchen.'

Small words are often more effective than larger ones.

Example: I started to NOTICE that her blouse was... could be written as 'I SAW her blouse was...

Excerpt from "Easy Guide To Better Writing" by Wm_sexspear

IMO, this is what you need to do in your story.

 

[8letters]

IMO, this is what you need to do in your story.

Let me try my hand at the beginning of my story.

As published, with what to be changed in italics:

I was shocked. It was like that magic trick where the magician has the the girl walk through the door and closes it after her, and then when he re-opens it, there is a tiger instead of a girl. Except this time, instead of a girl having morphed into a tiger, my sister had gone from being a chunky wild child to a good-looking woman.

Yesterday, I had driven my sister Ashley from our hometown to my apartment here in Madison, Wisconsin. She had graduated from high school the day before and was looking to start a new life here. During the drive, she had had black rim glasses, two nose rings, a lip piercing and multiple ear piercings. Her hair had been dyed a bright purple. She had been dressed to hide her chunky body in baggy sweatpants and an over-sized sweatshirt that came down mid-thigh. She had always been chunky. Her boobs had been two small bulges on a body with lots of bulges. This was how she had looked when I left my apartment to go to work for my Monday evening shift.

This morning when I came into the living room, she looked completely different. The glasses were gone. The piercings were gone. Her hair was a pretty dark blond. She was wearing a T-Shirt that had been cropped a few inches below her tits. Below that was a firm tummy and a nice pair of legs. I stood there stunned at the transformation.

Revised

I was shocked. It was like that magic trick where the magician's assistant walks through a door, the magician closes it and when he re-opens it, there's a tiger instead of the girl. But instead of a girl having morphed into a tiger, my sister had gone from a chunky wild child to a good-looking woman.

Yesterday, I had driven Ashley from our hometown to my apartment in Madison, Wisconsin. She had graduated from high school the day before and was looking to start a new life here. Then, she had had black rim glasses, two nose rings, a lip piercing and multiple ear piercings. Her hair had been dyed a bright purple. She had always been heavy and had covered her chubby body in baggy sweatpants and an over-sized sweatshirt that came down mid-thigh. That was how she had looked when I left for my Monday evening shift.

This morning when I came into the living room, the glasses and piercings were gone. Her hair was a pretty dark blond. She was wearing a T-Shirt that had been cropped a few inches below large tits that stood out proudly. Below her shirt was a firm tummy and a nice pair of legs. I stood there stunned at the transformation.

 

[8letters]

As long as we are discussing my story, I'd like to ask you Bard about a number of things I thought I did right in the story. Please let me know if you agree.
* I really liked the character of Ashley. I think she's the best female lead character I have written by far (not that that is saying much). I thought she had a lot of personality. I liked her "can do" attitude and how she was bettering herself. At the same time, she had major struggles and was very vulnerable.
* My story explored how tough it is to be a young, single mom. Even though Ashley has her act together, everyone looks down on her. Eventually, Ashley turns to the one person who doesn't look down on her.
* My male character had more personality than the male leads in my other stories. To me, he seemed like a likeable, believable guy.
* I liked the opening. I thought it was an intriguing way to introduce the characters and the situation.

Things I was concerned about:
* I wanted to show them falling in love. But most of that is just hanging out in the apartment together and I was concerned people would find that boring.
* There's a lot about raising babies and what it takes to be a good mom. Not the stuff of stroke stories.
* Between the two sex scenes, Ashley basically makes a long speech explaining what happened with Brandon. I was concerned it would kill the momentum of the story.

 

[Sammael Bard]

As long as we are discussing my story, I'd like to ask you Bard about a number of things I thought I did right in the story. Please let me know if you agree.

* I really liked the character of Ashley. I think she's the best female lead character I have written by far (not that that is saying much). I thought she had a lot of personality. I liked her "can do" attitude and how she was bettering herself. At the same time, she had major struggles and was very vulnerable.

* My story explored how tough it is to be a young, single mom. Even though Ashley has her act together, everyone looks down on her. Eventually, Ashley turns to the one person who doesn't look down on her.

I really didn't think it was all that brilliant until the entire plot came into light. That said, I loved her character much more in the end.

Yeah, I did look down upon her. but took all of my words back after I read the story.

* My male character had more personality than the male leads in my other stories. To me, he seemed like a likeable, believable guy.

You did, but I felt that the brother was being a little business-like in his interactions with Ashley in the beginning of the story. It is plausible, given his economic situation, so it's believable.

I haven't read your other stories, but I'll say that unless the reader reads the entire story, it'll be hard to judge that because of the slow evolving pace.

* I liked the opening. I thought it was an intriguing way to introduce the characters and the situation.

Different readers have different preferences. I like something that has pace and has me hooked me right from the beginning. Some people may have something else doing it for them.

My point is, do what you feel is best for your story. In the end, you are the author and it is your story.

Things I was concerned about:
* I wanted to show them falling in love. But most of that is just hanging out in the apartment together and I was concerned people would find that boring.

You managed to keep it spontaneous enough for me. I like reading situations where two people are living, or better still, stuck with each other. The conflict is too good to pass up as a author.

Like I've said before, they're my thoughts. I can't say the same for readers who are looking for a quick fix.

* There's a lot about raising babies and what it takes to be a good mom. Not the stuff of stroke stories.

It's not, but no one's forcing you to write a stroke story. If you think that ratings are more important that your writing endeavour, then by all means write one.

* Between the two sex scenes, Ashley basically makes a long speech explaining what happened with Brandon. I was concerned it would kill the momentum of the story.

In a way, it explains a lot and I get to see Ashley in a new light. I didn't feel that the momentum got killed anywhere in your story once it built up from later on.

 

[oggbashan]

Let me try my hand at the beginning of my story.

Revised
Quote:
I was shocked. It was like that magic trick where the magician's assistant walks through a door, the magician closes it and when he re-opens it, there's a tiger instead of the girl. But instead of a girl having morphed into a tiger, my sister had gone from a chunky wild child to a good-looking woman.

Yesterday, I had driven Ashley from our hometown to my apartment in Madison, Wisconsin. She had graduated from high school the day before and was looking to start a new life here. Then, she had had black rim glasses, two nose rings, a lip piercing and multiple ear piercings. Her hair had been dyed a bright purple. She had always been heavy and had covered her chubby body in baggy sweatpants and an over-sized sweatshirt that came down mid-thigh. That was how she had looked when I left for my Monday evening shift.

This morning when I came into the living room, the glasses and piercings were gone. Her hair was a pretty dark blond. She was wearing a T-Shirt that had been cropped a few inches below large tits that stood out proudly. Below her shirt was a firm tummy and a nice pair of legs. I stood there stunned at the transformation.

I think you could be much more drastic with the cuts. Like this:

I was shocked. I thought of the magician closing and opening a door to show a tiger instead of the girl. My sister had changed from a chunky wild child to a good-looking woman.

Yesterday, I had brought Ashley to my apartment in Madison, Wisconsin. She had just graduated from high school and was starting a new life here. The sister I left when I went to work on Monday evening had black rim glasses, two nose rings, a lip piercing. multiple ear piercings, and bright purple hair. I remembered her with a chubby body. She was wearing baggy sweatpants and an over-sized sweatshirt.

This morning the glasses and piercings were gone. Her hair was a pretty dark blond. She was wearing a T-Shirt that had been cropped a few inches below large tits that stood out proudly. Below her shirt was a firm tummy and a nice pair of legs. I stood there stunned at the transformation.

If I needed to, I could probably cut a dozen or so more words, or rewrite the whole thing to describe the transformation in a single paragraph.

 

[Sammael Bard]

My Review for Prison Pet Pt. 01 by GayTripper

Here's the link to the story if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: http://www.literotica.com/s/prison-pet-pt-01

Ah, prison stories... What can I say? I actually have a thing for this scenario. There's a lot of tension, drama and plot bunnies available only if the author is willing to milk this for what it's worth. It's been some time since I've read one, so I hope this will be a good read for me. I'll ramble on as I read your story and note down anything that catches my eye. Take everything I say with a grain of salt, okay?

The beginning para is decent. I'm intrigued. Even though it's a common beginning, the formula still works. But then you threw me off with this second para:

Erica was tall with blue eyes and light brown hair that fell to her shoulders. She had been a bit of a jock in high school and college and had a very athletic body. She didn't take shit from anybody, which had always gotten her into trouble before.

IMO, this was entirely unnecessary. You could've put her description elsewhere. The whole thing jumped out at me, and it felt totally out of context.

Personally, I'd say that the story could be fleshed out a bit more - the scenes elaborated, the emotions clarified etcetera, but that is a personal opinion. It would've helped bring out the quality of the story. That said, you pack a solid punch in terms of dialogue delivery. The prison lingo is noticeable and feels great to read. Good job on that front!

One thing that I love in a reluctant situation is the unwillingness of the participant, and the fact that she enjoys it in the end. You have certainly killed my interest with this sentence:

Erica felt humiliated and completely degraded but a strange part of her was actually starting to feel turned on.

This. Was. Bad.

For me, at least. This is pretty much the same amateur writing that I hate. Sorry if I sound harsh, but this is a personal peeve that ticks me off. Your story seemed to have a lot of potential, but you didn't/couldn't exploit it. From one moment of serious tension, you went to bow-chicka-bow-wow. This is something that I hate.

This is what I felt after I read the part:

Erica is strong minded, spunky and doesn't bend to anyone's wishes. Licking Roxie's smelly foot unleashed her submissive side.

It feels forced. It feels disappointing. I feel as if I'm being robbed of all the potential conflict that would've been possible in that scenario and consecutively, the story.

*sigh*

Alright, on we go ahead.

You bring back the spunk in Erica, which is good, and continue on with your story of "her fight". Like I've said before, you use your knowledge about prison pretty well. The environment that you've set up feels genuine and un-faked. That was a good writing on your behalf.

Grammatical Nitpick till this time:

You switched the story from third person to first person with this line:

"There is no way I would," I retorted.

Then a few sentences that could've been written in a better way, like this one:

Tammy was continuing to lick harder...

Which should have been:

Tammy continued to lick harder...

Look, grammar was never my strongest point while writing a story. My editor does a face-palm every time she has to beta-read my story. I'm just asking for a thorough editing to weed out the smaller mistakes. Even is you don't, it wouldn't have much of an impact on your story's readability. It's more than decent.

And I've finished the first chapter of your story, and here's what I think about it:

> On the Story: Yours is decent, at best. It's kinda formulaic, if you ask me, but the writing style is what makes it different from the rest.

The entire prison environment and lingo is noteworthy. Not many authors can do that. The Characters are believable. Crooked and cunt hungry as they should be. You wobbled a bit on that "She felt a strange feeling" part, but overall, it was decent.

> On the Erotica: I'm sorry, but smelly foot and pussy licking don't do it for me. Neither does pissing on someone as a form of humiliation. As a rule of thumb, I don't read anything involving piss and scat. It's a bug turn-off for me. I didn't put a disclaimer anywhere, so it's not your fault to begin with.

I'd say that some readers would stick to your story to where it goes. Most of those who are here to wiggle their joysticks aren't going to be pleased with this one because you didn't really include any definitive sex scene.

> On the Grammar: I suck at grammar, so I'll keep my bloody mouth shut on this one. A few typos here and there, a few tightening, but otherwise it was a smooth read.

Overall, I'd say it was a decent read in terms of plot, but didn't do much for me in terms of Erotica.

That's all I had to ramble about. Hope it helped you in any way it could.

Regards,

Bard.

 

[GayTripper]

Been a while.

Wow, I had almost forgotten about this until you messaged me. Almost 7 months ago. This was one of my very first submissions, and yes it is very rough. I definitely would change some things now. But it is out there so what's done is done. I do think I do a much better job revising than back when this was written.

The first person/third person mistake was due to this originally being written in first person and I later decided it worked better from the third person. Which meant I had to go back and change the perspective of the entire story and I missed one obviously.

If you don't like piss/scat you won't like the other parts either. To each their own. I think if you read part 1 all the way to part 6 you will see significant improvement in the writing. Thanks for still taking the time to review this, though I'm not sure how helpful it will be now.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Wow, I had almost forgotten about this until you messaged me. Almost 7 months ago. This was one of my very first submissions, and yes it is very rough. I definitely would change some things now. But it is out there so what's done is done. I do think I do a much better job revising than back when this was written.

The first person/third person mistake was due to this originally being written in first person and I later decided it worked better from the third person. Which meant I had to go back and change the perspective of the entire story and I missed one obviously.

If you don't like piss/scat you won't like the other parts either. To each their own. I think if you read part 1 all the way to part 6 you will see significant improvement in the writing. Thanks for still taking the time to review this, though I'm not sure how helpful it will be now.

Sorry for that. It wasn't my intention to post your review seven months late. Unlike the time when I had opened the thread, I'm very busy right now. The ones who ask me for my 2 cents usually come up with short, one time stories that have been completed long ago. These stories contain their usual writing style, and they're looking to improve on their future stories.

Anyway, if you're posting other stories here, you might want to start a thread instead. At least you'll get some instantaneous feedback.

Best of luck for your future stories.

Bard.

 

[Sammael Bard]

My Review for Sweet and Spicy Horny Toads Ch. 01 by TxRad

Here's the link to the story if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: http://www.literotica.com/s/sweet-and-spicy-horny-toads-ch-01

So here's what I think on your story:

Right from the start, I actually like your writing style. It's languid and has an easy to read vibe about it. So, IMO, this story will really work for someone who's looking for a long saga to read. Your description is vivid and really good. I can see the place through the author's eyes, and that's one of the best thing you can achieve through a story. Good job on that front!

I like your conversational tone. Immensely. It's a great way to engage your reader. I especially like this part:

As a man, it's my duty to be the last to know. If you don't believe that, just ask any woman, she will straighten you out fast. That's their duty and they love it.

It feels natural, not to say absolutely fantastic.

Like I've said before, your description of scenes is brilliant. The way you describe women, their clothes, their bodies...it comes off as interesting rather than boring. Don't get me wrong, but I've seen plenty of stories which go awn and awn with the description. But that's not your case.

A bit of a nitpick here in an excerpt from your story:

I couldn't decide whether to unzip my pants and ram my manhood in or just fall to my knees and gently lick and suck the whole area. Decisions! Decisions!

The part I've highlighted in bold stands out like a sore thumb, IMO. Same with the next paragraph:

Was the look only rule still in effect or had there been a rules change of which I hadn't been informed? Alas, better safe than sorry.

Speaking from a writing POV, it'll feel like a badass line but from my readability, it just doesn't fit in. You should try and cut it down, if you can.

I'll sum up my thoughts as I finish your story:

It was a great read for me. Erotic to the very last word. There's a fair amount of tension and teasing going on. For someone reading the story with their hands on their cock/clit, it's definitely going to be worth their while. The scenes are descriptive and body parts oh-so well mentioned.

What it didn't do for me was the plot.

Technically speaking for myself, I'm a plot person. I like reading stories for the plot, the characters and where the story takes them. Your story didn't give me much hope in terms of a plot, so I'm not in the very least interested to go further. It happens to be a personal opinion, so bear with it.

You do well in every department, except the plot side. It didn't do much to intrigue/pique my interest in your story as a whole. Worse still, if I were sitting here, masturbating to your story and happened to complete my...erm..session, I wouldn't have gone any further because your story interested me as an erotic one, not something as plot heavy.

IMO, a good read for me is something that stimulates my imagination through the plot, erotica and writing style. You tick all the right boxes, except one. I don't know what else to comment upon, because your story happens to be quintessentially perfect. Nothing more that I can add, except a few lousy personal opinions.

(BTW, I'm sorry for the extreme delay. I knew you'd be hanging around in the AH, so I didn't hurry through the list at all. Sorry, nonetheless. )

Hope this review helped you in seeing your story through my eyes.

Bard.

 

[TxRad]

Thank you. You hit most of the buttons I need.

Chapter 1 is the lead in, the plot comes in slowly over the next few chapters. Actually there are several plots.

Thanks again and I hope you enjoy if you do read the rest.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Thank you. You hit most of the buttons I need.

Chapter 1 is the lead in, the plot comes in slowly over the next few chapters. Actually there are several plots.

Thanks again and I hope you enjoy if you do read the rest.

I'm sure there's lot more to your story than the first chapter. I based my review only for the chapter 1, so it's possible I'm missing out on all the forthcoming fun. Anyway, it was great writing and I don't think my review would've been anymore helpful to it.



Phew...finally!!! I've finished the list. I got a lot to learn through this thread. Thanks to all those who've contributed in any way. Sorry to those Authors whose work I've ripped apart because because they've hit my pet peeves.

Till the next time I'm free, I'll disband this thread and start a new one. The sheer size of this one makes me cringe.

Bard.