Thanks for your review, I will take you advice. I'm on chapter 17 now though so it might be awhile before you notice it. The first chapter you reviewed was essentially an opener to the story, and I had not noticed the Novels/novellas classification at that time, and I probably wouldn't have put it there anyway, this was never supposed to be that long. Of course over the next several chapters I always reintroduce the protagonist and other characters so if you decide to read them, just skip that part! Thanks again for taking your time to help. It was a real treat to wake up to the email notifying me of your reply. I certainly understand real life getting in the way, it has here!
Bard's Review Thread: My $0.02 on your stories
- Thread starter Sammael Bard
- Start date
GayTripper
Virgin
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- Aug 7, 2014
- Posts
- 7
Prison Pet
This is series I have been working on that I wouldn't mind some thoughts on. I've been writing for almost year now but have only been willing to actually share my stories in the last few months. Feel free to rip it to shreds, I still have a lot more to learn about writing erotica. But please mention anything you find particularly titillating as well. I tried to write the type of story that I would enjoy reading on Literotica. Here are the four parts I have written so far:
Non-Consent/Reluctance
www.literotica.com/s/prison-pet-pt-01 3 pages
www.literotica.com/s/prison-pet-pt-02 3 pages
www.literotica.com/s/prison-pet-pt-03 3 pages
www.literotica.com/s/prison-pet-pt-04 5 pages
This is series I have been working on that I wouldn't mind some thoughts on. I've been writing for almost year now but have only been willing to actually share my stories in the last few months. Feel free to rip it to shreds, I still have a lot more to learn about writing erotica. But please mention anything you find particularly titillating as well. I tried to write the type of story that I would enjoy reading on Literotica. Here are the four parts I have written so far:
Non-Consent/Reluctance
www.literotica.com/s/prison-pet-pt-01 3 pages
www.literotica.com/s/prison-pet-pt-02 3 pages
www.literotica.com/s/prison-pet-pt-03 3 pages
www.literotica.com/s/prison-pet-pt-04 5 pages
Last edited by a moderator:
Sammael Bard
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Jesus H. Christ!
I don't want you anywhere near my shit.
I have a hard enough time letting my crap out of the world, for it to be ripped apart like this
I don't think my ego - which is fragile enough as it is - could take it
</tongue from cheek>
You just made a grand entry to my hit list.
You're welcome!
Novels and Novellas is a sleepy category. Do NOT post your story there, until and unless you have written the whole piece and have a plausible ending in sight.
I really suggest reading How to Break the Literotica Toplist by Tink4Fairy. She has written a very insightful and spot-on exposition for all the categories on Lit.
I like reading stories, and this thread was basically meant to be a source for that. I'll love to give your stories a read sometimes.
No problemo.
Hypoxia
doesn't watch television
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- Sep 7, 2013
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My first Hallowe'en entry is up. A Taste of Incest: Pumpkin & Candy is a trio of vignettes, with a total of 8500 words, based on themes of, you guessed it, Hallowe'en and Incest and flavors. I haven't seen such story collections on LIT before so this is an experiment to note reader reaction. Is a quick review possible? Thanks!
SEVERUSMAX
Benevolent Master
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- 28,995
Out of pure curiosity, this story is what I'm wondering about....what your feedback would be for it.
http://www.literotica.com/s/cassies-love-1
http://www.literotica.com/s/cassies-love-1
Sammael Bard
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Okay, I'll leave a comment on your story when I read it.
Will definitely look into it. I'll notify you with a PM when I'm done.
JustAnotherMarylander
Really Experienced
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TheSoulfulBard, I would be most appreciative of your feedback for my first attempt at writing here at Literotica.
The first chapter is here: http://www.literotica.com/s/mike-and-savy-ch-01
All chapters are listed here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=2119484&page=submissions
Thank you for your time, if you do consider reviewing my story.
The first chapter is here: http://www.literotica.com/s/mike-and-savy-ch-01
All chapters are listed here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=2119484&page=submissions
Thank you for your time, if you do consider reviewing my story.
Sammael Bard
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It'll take time, but I'll notify you when I'm done.
8letters
Writing
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- May 27, 2013
- Posts
- 2,148
I hope you don't mind me jumping in here. I have written two brother-sister stories and will submit a third one Monday, so I was interested in looking at your story.
Maybe this is just a personal preference thing, but I have a very tough slogging through long sections of narrative summary early in a story, particularly if they are to provide character background. On one hand, I get that Mike was close to Savy growing up and you don't have to beat me over the head with it. On the other hand, I feel weighed down with so many seemingly unimportant details. Do I need to remember the weight class at which he wrestled? How about the timing and amount of his growth spurt in high school?
I finished Chapter 1 and the thing that stuck out to me is that you haven't given the reader any reasons for Savy to be obsessed with Mike. She's gorgeous, smart and accomplished. Mike's average. Her throwing herself at him feels forced. There's no conflict, no tension. Sometime soon, he is going to take the hint and say, "Let's fuck" and she'll say yes.
jezzaz
Idiot Savant
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- May 11, 2013
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- 269
You just made a grand entry to my hit list.
Aha! My sophisticated reverse psychology does the trick!
Yes. That's what it was. Of course it was. Yes, definitely. I desperately want to be reviewed. That's what it was all along. Of course.
shit shit shit shit shit.
Sammael Bard
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I've got no problem with your feedback on a story. It's cool.
I haven't read his story, so I can't debate the merits and demerits of his story. I'm kinda surprised JustAnotherMarylander didn't reply to you (or maybe he has done so in private). Either way, I didn't mind at all.
Sammael Bard
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You know my email addy. Mail it.
Pssst: I'd appreciate a tit pic too, you know, as an added incentive.
Sammael Bard
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My Review for Amber's Tale by Jessie92
Here are my thoughts for Amber’s Tale Ch. 01 by Jessie92. Here’s the link if anyone else is interested to give it a read: http://www.literotica.com/s/ambers-tale-ch-01
When I pick up and start reading a random story, I don’t want to interrupted with a “You must’ve read about me in the other stories” like thing. Other than making me wonder what I might’ve possibly missed, I’m really tempted to either hit the back button or (if I’ve got all the time in the world) I’ll read Jessica’s Tale.
Sort of 50-50 situation here, but this is me we’re talking about. I won’t stake that claim with a general reader who’s looking for a quick fix.
Do away with it, if you can.
We haven’t even crossed the first paragraph, and I’m giving you shit already. On we sail ahead!
I like the self-description you’ve given here. Unlike Jessica’s story, this one feels conversational, as if you’re confiding something to me, and that’s a great thing. Sort of engaging and keeps me hooked. I can even say the same thing for the next few couple of paragraphs you’ve written. Good Job!
And now you peeved me again with this –
It’s a personal opinion, really, but one that’s important for me as a reader. If Jessica’s story is THAT important, you should say that in the beginning of the story itself. This sort of linking other stories is very distracting for me. I can’t enjoy your story like this. Again, people who have read “The Descending of Jessica” won’t mind this reference because they’re already familiar with that story. But I, and possibly many other readers, haven’t read that story in its entirety so this left a bad taste in my mouth.
Your conversation flows well enough. It doesn’t feel robotic, like many others do in their story. Another plus point.
In case you noticed, I don’t whip anyone for erotica because when I judge a story, it’s mainly for the plot. If the sex is insanely good, I do comment on that too. Yours was good, and I liked reading it.
Now for the Bad Part:
I’ve noticed that your sentence structuring and choice of words are simply weird/doesn’t flow with the rest of the sentence/prose. It’s not a grammatical error, per say, but it affects the readability of a story. Try your hand with a good editor who can help you to weed it out of the story.
I feel that you’ve jumped on some things such as the part where Amber wants to have sex with Michael and the finishing scene where she realizes that she has feelings for Michael.
I’m not saying that the scenes themselves aren’t well executed, it’s just that the transition didn’t settle well with me. I like a smooth one, and yours felt a wee bit bumpy.
Overall, I’d say that it was a pleasant read and I did enjoy the erotica.
Now to your question of why this piece didn’t get much response:
You’ve posted your story in the Novels and Novella category. The number of views has barely crossed 5k. This is one of the most sleepy category of Lit, with very few dedicated readers, and even fewer readers who’ll take the time to comment and vote. Your main dilemma lies with the category itself. I’m sure you would’ve gotten a more enthusiastic response if it were Erotic Couplings or others.
So it's basically a categorical problem, IMO. I hope that this helped you in any way it could.
Regards,
Bard.
Here are my thoughts for Amber’s Tale Ch. 01 by Jessie92. Here’s the link if anyone else is interested to give it a read: http://www.literotica.com/s/ambers-tale-ch-01
When I pick up and start reading a random story, I don’t want to interrupted with a “You must’ve read about me in the other stories” like thing. Other than making me wonder what I might’ve possibly missed, I’m really tempted to either hit the back button or (if I’ve got all the time in the world) I’ll read Jessica’s Tale.
Sort of 50-50 situation here, but this is me we’re talking about. I won’t stake that claim with a general reader who’s looking for a quick fix.
Do away with it, if you can.
We haven’t even crossed the first paragraph, and I’m giving you shit already.
On we sail ahead!I like the self-description you’ve given here. Unlike Jessica’s story, this one feels conversational, as if you’re confiding something to me, and that’s a great thing. Sort of engaging and keeps me hooked. I can even say the same thing for the next few couple of paragraphs you’ve written. Good Job!
And now you peeved me again with this –
It’s a personal opinion, really, but one that’s important for me as a reader. If Jessica’s story is THAT important, you should say that in the beginning of the story itself. This sort of linking other stories is very distracting for me. I can’t enjoy your story like this. Again, people who have read “The Descending of Jessica” won’t mind this reference because they’re already familiar with that story. But I, and possibly many other readers, haven’t read that story in its entirety so this left a bad taste in my mouth.
Your conversation flows well enough. It doesn’t feel robotic, like many others do in their story. Another plus point.
In case you noticed, I don’t whip anyone for erotica because when I judge a story, it’s mainly for the plot. If the sex is insanely good, I do comment on that too. Yours was good, and I liked reading it.
Now for the Bad Part:
I’ve noticed that your sentence structuring and choice of words are simply weird/doesn’t flow with the rest of the sentence/prose. It’s not a grammatical error, per say, but it affects the readability of a story. Try your hand with a good editor who can help you to weed it out of the story.
I feel that you’ve jumped on some things such as the part where Amber wants to have sex with Michael and the finishing scene where she realizes that she has feelings for Michael.
I’m not saying that the scenes themselves aren’t well executed, it’s just that the transition didn’t settle well with me. I like a smooth one, and yours felt a wee bit bumpy.
Overall, I’d say that it was a pleasant read and I did enjoy the erotica.
Now to your question of why this piece didn’t get much response:
You’ve posted your story in the Novels and Novella category. The number of views has barely crossed 5k. This is one of the most sleepy category of Lit, with very few dedicated readers, and even fewer readers who’ll take the time to comment and vote. Your main dilemma lies with the category itself. I’m sure you would’ve gotten a more enthusiastic response if it were Erotic Couplings or others.
So it's basically a categorical problem, IMO. I hope that this helped you in any way it could.
Regards,
Bard.
Learin
Elusive
- Joined
- Aug 31, 2014
- Posts
- 1,834
You know my email addy. Mail it.
Pssst: I'd appreciate a tit pic too, you know, as an added incentive.
LOL.
It was one of the first pieces I wrote, but it was primarily non-erotic, mostly Mind-games and stuff. I'll give it a once-over and send it to you.
Thanks for taking the time.
8letters
Writing
- Joined
- May 27, 2013
- Posts
- 2,148
I would appreciate it if you looked at my Sister Has a Plan story. Brother-sister incest. 4.64 rating. Rip it to shreds - I want ideas for how to improve my writing.
GoodI've got no problem with your feedback on a story. It's cool.
He did PM me and we moved the discussion to his Mike & Savy: The Director's Cut thread.
Sammael Bard
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LOL.
It was one of the first pieces I wrote, but it was primarily non-erotic, mostly Mind-games and stuff. I'll give it a once-over and send it to you.
Thanks for taking the time.
Got the Draft.
Hey, I'm not a sadist!
Yeah, my earlier reviews were sorta immature and silly, but I'm not going to change that. I'll criticise your story where it's needed.I'll PM you when I'm done with the review.
Sammael Bard
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On this thread?
I go serially as the requests were posted on this thread. The next one on my list is marriedpervs, AZMotherLover, TxRad....and so on. Long list ahead...*cries*
It'll take a LOT of time, so I suggest you go and chill out somewhere. I'll send you a PM and/or a Private Feedback when I'm done.
Sammael Bard
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My Review for Bondage Chronicles by marriedpervs
Here's the link to the story if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: http://www.literotica.com/s/bondage-chronicles
So here's what I think about your story:
The first thing I noticed, after giving it a quick glance, was the grammar. Now, I'm not a Grammar Nazi, but a few tweaks here and there can improve your story's readability.
Your grammar was a bit clunky in a few places, a fault which is quite similar to the earlier story I had critiqued, so I don't think an elaboration is necessary.
Meh, what the hell....I'll give an example from your story:
The word furniture has the same usage in singular and plural forms. You flunked big time in thereD). I'd have written:
I'd have written:
You wrote:
I'd have written:
I did nothing except remove that last part, which in my opinion, was annoying to say the least. There are many examples like this, so if you're looking to edit the story, you should tweak these things.
I have these problems while writing the first draft for any story, so while revising the draft, I try and remove extra salutations and unnecessary words which can be done without.
Also, you use too many exclamation marks. They are littered everywhere in your story. Try and limit these to wherever they're necessary. That's the same thing with the question mark. I stay miles away from using something like "?????" in my conversations.
The opening of your story is good. It has a good pace, and the writing is engaging (although I do wonder where on God's Green Earth would someone try to place a bondage ad like that.)
One thing that I've noticed in the memoirs is the swinging background that Dee has. Now, for a nOOb reader who isn't familiar with your other stories involving such a theme, it may backfire in the BDSM category. But then again, the major theme of your story is BDSM, so it's kind of a slight dilemma you're having to get good scores from the readers.
I'm sort of surprised by that scene with the old neighbour. It seemed random and out of the blue. A scene that's blink-and-its-gone type. I'm left wondering what the fuck just happened.
About the basic writing style and substance of your story, I'm afraid to say that this isn't my cup of tea.
I like stories that have great Character development and gradual development of scenes with an engaging plot. It's highly unfair of me to compare your short story with the usual stock I read in BDSM, but that's the way it is. I have my own personal tastes.
I'm not forgiving to Authors writing in BDSM stories, as a lot of Dom-sub-wannabes litter the section with no idea of what they're writing about. Most of the time I'm left tearing my hair off, sputtering profanities.
I hope you understand that.
There's really nothing much I can say or critique your story based on just less than 2 Lit pages. Overall, I should say that this story was alright.
Here's the link to the story if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: http://www.literotica.com/s/bondage-chronicles
So here's what I think about your story:
The first thing I noticed, after giving it a quick glance, was the grammar. Now, I'm not a Grammar Nazi, but a few tweaks here and there can improve your story's readability.
Your grammar was a bit clunky in a few places, a fault which is quite similar to the earlier story I had critiqued, so I don't think an elaboration is necessary.
Meh, what the hell....I'll give an example from your story:
The word furniture has the same usage in singular and plural forms. You flunked big time in there
D). I'd have written:I'd have written:
You wrote:
I'd have written:
I did nothing except remove that last part, which in my opinion, was annoying to say the least. There are many examples like this, so if you're looking to edit the story, you should tweak these things.
I have these problems while writing the first draft for any story, so while revising the draft, I try and remove extra salutations and unnecessary words which can be done without.
Also, you use too many exclamation marks. They are littered everywhere in your story. Try and limit these to wherever they're necessary. That's the same thing with the question mark. I stay miles away from using something like "?????" in my conversations.
The opening of your story is good. It has a good pace, and the writing is engaging (although I do wonder where on God's Green Earth would someone try to place a bondage ad like that.
)One thing that I've noticed in the memoirs is the swinging background that Dee has. Now, for a nOOb reader who isn't familiar with your other stories involving such a theme, it may backfire in the BDSM category. But then again, the major theme of your story is BDSM, so it's kind of a slight dilemma you're having to get good scores from the readers.
I'm sort of surprised by that scene with the old neighbour. It seemed random and out of the blue. A scene that's blink-and-its-gone type. I'm left wondering what the fuck just happened.
About the basic writing style and substance of your story, I'm afraid to say that this isn't my cup of tea.
I like stories that have great Character development and gradual development of scenes with an engaging plot. It's highly unfair of me to compare your short story with the usual stock I read in BDSM, but that's the way it is. I have my own personal tastes.
I'm not forgiving to Authors writing in BDSM stories, as a lot of Dom-sub-wannabes litter the section with no idea of what they're writing about. Most of the time I'm left tearing my hair off, sputtering profanities.
I hope you understand that.
There's really nothing much I can say or critique your story based on just less than 2 Lit pages. Overall, I should say that this story was alright.
Sammael Bard
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- 5,182
My Review for Not Your Typical Panty Sniffing Story by AZMotherLover
Okay, so here's the link to the story if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: http://www.literotica.com/s/not-your-typical-panty-sniffing-story. These are my thoughts for your story:
The first thing that strikes my mind after reading the first few paragraphs of your story is...what is it about your story that makes it so non-typical?
As far as I can see, you jump on the action band-wagon right away. Mom caresses her son's undies and gets turned on and so on. The emotions displayed by Max and his Mother feels like a sudden burst, without any warning of sorts. Suddenly Mom gets turned on, suddenly Max gets hard....you get my drift?
But then, after I read the whole lot of your story, I can see why it’s NOT a typical panty sniffing story. It has elements of Fetish, Erotic Couplings, Mind Control (although it’s a different type) and swinging, all thrown into a mix.
I liked Max’s narrative and the way you describe the actions that are happening within a scene. It is precise, and well executed within a few words. A really good job on that front!
Tina’s POV read like a journal. Unlike Max’s POV, which is filled with conversations and actual scenes described vividly, Tina’s story feels like a summary to me. Although it does help explain the strange magnetic attraction she has towards her son, it feels a tad…bleak.
After I start to get this sexual vibe between Max and his Mom, the first scene ended up with Max ejaculating in his mom's mouth. I'm left with my eyebrows raised and murmuring "What the hell just happened..."
This scene leaves quite a poor taste in my mouth, and it was a bad way to begin a story IMO. Leaves a lot of things to be explained, which you have done later on. But I don’t know how readers are going to be that patient…
Grammar can be tightened up in a few places like these:
....I thought to myself after she shut her door.
I think it'd look better like this:
...I thought after she shut the door.
Unnecessary words in a sentence only adds to its wordiness. Gone are the days when you had to dedicate paragraphs after paragraphs to explain things. In other words, keep it short and sweet.
As I finish the first part of Max's story, the story again comes to a grinding halt with that finishing scene. I abhor these things when I read a story, so you won't get any brownie points for this.
Also, this is more like a fetish story, combined with Incest. I'm not really a big fan of Fetish stories as they are quite preferential. Tastes can vary from person to person. Panty sniffing, or clothe sniffing, doesn't really appeal much to me, so my review will be a bit biased for you on the Erotica part.
Your story picks up the fragmented scene from Max's part, and explains it quite well in Tina's part. Now I can understand what the hell happened back then.
What really makes your story stand apart is the combination of various things in an Incest story. It contains Fetish (with the panty sniffing), Anal sex, Group sex, Elements of Swinging and a hint of Mind Control (with the pheromones and stuff). That is really commendable and I enjoyed reading it.
About character sketches, I do have a few things to say.
The shy Max from the beginning of the story and the sexually confident predator Max from the later parts of your story don’t mix well. I feel that they’ve become two entirely different characters.
Tina and Charlene are aptly described, and I feel that you’ve done an awesome job in that department! Even though you’ve written Tina’s story like a journal, I can feel her thoughts and emotions quite well.
The same goes for Charlene. I love badass females, and I should say that I loved Charlene and the way you’ve depicted her. Good job on that front too!
Overall, I say that is a good story. It’s worthy of a 4*, if not a 5*. I gave you a 5* for your effort and the uniqueness of your story. It could’ve been made better, but I love your story for what it is, and what it tried to tell me.
So here it is, and I hope this feedback helped you in any way it could. Thank you for your patience and bearing with me for this long.
Best Regards,
Bard.
Okay, so here's the link to the story if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: http://www.literotica.com/s/not-your-typical-panty-sniffing-story. These are my thoughts for your story:
The first thing that strikes my mind after reading the first few paragraphs of your story is...what is it about your story that makes it so non-typical?
As far as I can see, you jump on the action band-wagon right away. Mom caresses her son's undies and gets turned on and so on. The emotions displayed by Max and his Mother feels like a sudden burst, without any warning of sorts. Suddenly Mom gets turned on, suddenly Max gets hard....you get my drift?
But then, after I read the whole lot of your story, I can see why it’s NOT a typical panty sniffing story. It has elements of Fetish, Erotic Couplings, Mind Control (although it’s a different type) and swinging, all thrown into a mix.
I liked Max’s narrative and the way you describe the actions that are happening within a scene. It is precise, and well executed within a few words. A really good job on that front!
Tina’s POV read like a journal. Unlike Max’s POV, which is filled with conversations and actual scenes described vividly, Tina’s story feels like a summary to me. Although it does help explain the strange magnetic attraction she has towards her son, it feels a tad…bleak.
After I start to get this sexual vibe between Max and his Mom, the first scene ended up with Max ejaculating in his mom's mouth. I'm left with my eyebrows raised and murmuring "What the hell just happened..."
This scene leaves quite a poor taste in my mouth, and it was a bad way to begin a story IMO. Leaves a lot of things to be explained, which you have done later on. But I don’t know how readers are going to be that patient…
Grammar can be tightened up in a few places like these:
....I thought to myself after she shut her door.
I think it'd look better like this:
...I thought after she shut the door.
Unnecessary words in a sentence only adds to its wordiness. Gone are the days when you had to dedicate paragraphs after paragraphs to explain things. In other words, keep it short and sweet.
As I finish the first part of Max's story, the story again comes to a grinding halt with that finishing scene. I abhor these things when I read a story, so you won't get any brownie points for this.
Also, this is more like a fetish story, combined with Incest. I'm not really a big fan of Fetish stories as they are quite preferential. Tastes can vary from person to person. Panty sniffing, or clothe sniffing, doesn't really appeal much to me, so my review will be a bit biased for you on the Erotica part.
Your story picks up the fragmented scene from Max's part, and explains it quite well in Tina's part. Now I can understand what the hell happened back then.
What really makes your story stand apart is the combination of various things in an Incest story. It contains Fetish (with the panty sniffing), Anal sex, Group sex, Elements of Swinging and a hint of Mind Control (with the pheromones and stuff). That is really commendable and I enjoyed reading it.
About character sketches, I do have a few things to say.
The shy Max from the beginning of the story and the sexually confident predator Max from the later parts of your story don’t mix well. I feel that they’ve become two entirely different characters.
Tina and Charlene are aptly described, and I feel that you’ve done an awesome job in that department! Even though you’ve written Tina’s story like a journal, I can feel her thoughts and emotions quite well.
The same goes for Charlene. I love badass females, and I should say that I loved Charlene and the way you’ve depicted her. Good job on that front too!
Overall, I say that is a good story. It’s worthy of a 4*, if not a 5*. I gave you a 5* for your effort and the uniqueness of your story. It could’ve been made better, but I love your story for what it is, and what it tried to tell me.
So here it is, and I hope this feedback helped you in any way it could. Thank you for your patience and bearing with me for this long.
Best Regards,
Bard.
LeaHarvey1821
Experienced
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- Oct 18, 2014
- Posts
- 40
Hello our Happy Bard
I write Lesbian stories, and didn't see it on your list, but I thought I might take a risk and see maybe if you would be willing to read one. It just got verified. I have many thought on how this one can continue. It is possible it could be built into a full book. My editor Guin said she expected people to love it. But I am just a tad unsure for some reason. If you don't read it, don't worry about it, just tell me no, and I will accept that. I love what your doing here.
www.literotica.com/s/extreme-measures-1
I write Lesbian stories, and didn't see it on your list, but I thought I might take a risk and see maybe if you would be willing to read one. It just got verified. I have many thought on how this one can continue. It is possible it could be built into a full book. My editor Guin said she expected people to love it. But I am just a tad unsure for some reason. If you don't read it, don't worry about it, just tell me no, and I will accept that. I love what your doing here.
www.literotica.com/s/extreme-measures-1
Last edited:
Sammael Bard
Suit Up
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- Oct 19, 2013
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I write Lesbian stories, and didn't see it on your list, but I thought I might take a risk and see maybe if you would be willing to read one. It just got verified. I have many thought on how this one can continue. It is possible it could be built into a full book. My editor Guin said she expected people to love it. But I am just a tad unsure for some reason. If you don't read it, don't worry about it, just tell me no, and I will accept that. I love what your doing here.
www.literotica.com/s/extreme-measures-1
I'd love to give a thorough feedback for your story.
I just took a peek and saw that it consisted of 1 Lit page only, so I think I can bump up your request ahead of others here.You have to wait for a day or two. I'm not reviewing anything today. I'll send my review via the private Feedback portal when I'm done.
Sammael Bard
Suit Up
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- Oct 19, 2013
- Posts
- 5,182
Review for Extreme Measures by LeaHarvey1821
Here's the link if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: http://www.literotica.com/s/extreme-measures-1
So here are my thoughts for your story, Lea:
The opening scene of your story feels...weird. You don't describe actions well enough for it to have the desired impact on the readers. Take a sample from your story:
Gwen took a drink of her wine and closed her eyes as it slid down her throat. The wind up here around Megan's isolated home was strong enough that Gwen could feel it blow through her hair as she opened her eyes to the sparkling sky overhead.
I don't know how to say it, but in the words of my revered ancestor - This sucks.
These lines feel bleak and I can see some grammatically incorrect phrases already. Try injecting some feelings/emotions/sensations of Gwen into this to spice it up and make it look better. I'd try something like this:
Gwen took a swig of her wine and closed her eyes, feeling the slight burn as it slid down her throat. Strong winds blew her hair as she opened her eyes to the sparkling sky overhead. From this height, it was a beautiful sight to see.
On we roll forwards,
Your grammar is wonky in many places throughout the story, and paves the way for a bumpy read.
And as I read on, I can find some similar goops in scene description. I’m NOT blaming the action itself, I’m pointing fingers at your narration technique. It can be much better than that. Try this sample from the very next line:
"Can you stay tonight?" Megan asked as she leaned against the open door.
"You know I can't." Gwen turned around to find Megan in her white, silk robe.
I really can’t describe this, but this is a bad way to describe a scene, IMO. This looks like a beginner’s mistake and a good editor can help you out with this (Try the Editor’s Forum).
In a few paragraphs, the actions/scenes feel almost robotic. There are no emotions or sensations that can help me connect with your character. This is one of my greatest pet peeves, and I’ll flog this horse every time someone tells me to review a piece like this.
The sex scene in its entirety was a fine piece, but as I said before, your grammar paves the way for a bumpy read. For a lesbian sex story, this is a great piece, so a good job on that front!
Plot is great, and your story does carry a certain amount of intrigue for the readers. I love that in any story, and I liked that in yours too.
Overall, I can say that your intentions to write were solid, but grammar and phrases pulled your story down. Try reading out your sentences out loud. This’ll help your wonky structuring a great deal.
Also, I suggest finding a good editor for yourself. Self-editing can only take you this far, but a second pair of eye works like magic. And I stress on the word “Good”. If you’re already using an editor, I have to say that he/she’s not doing a great job.
Finally (Fucking finally!), I suggest reading a few Lesbian stories by other authors like Bramblethorn, who writes terrific stories in terms of the style of writing itself. For drama coaching, I suggest LaRasCasse (hope I got the name right). He writes some excellent Lesbian stories in terms of plot and drama.
Overall, it was a decent piece, but I can see this doing much, much better than the general stock out here. I hope that helped you.
Regards,
Happy Bard.
Here's the link if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: http://www.literotica.com/s/extreme-measures-1
So here are my thoughts for your story, Lea:
The opening scene of your story feels...weird. You don't describe actions well enough for it to have the desired impact on the readers. Take a sample from your story:
Gwen took a drink of her wine and closed her eyes as it slid down her throat. The wind up here around Megan's isolated home was strong enough that Gwen could feel it blow through her hair as she opened her eyes to the sparkling sky overhead.
I don't know how to say it, but in the words of my revered ancestor - This sucks.
These lines feel bleak and I can see some grammatically incorrect phrases already. Try injecting some feelings/emotions/sensations of Gwen into this to spice it up and make it look better. I'd try something like this:
Gwen took a swig of her wine and closed her eyes, feeling the slight burn as it slid down her throat. Strong winds blew her hair as she opened her eyes to the sparkling sky overhead. From this height, it was a beautiful sight to see.
On we roll forwards,
Your grammar is wonky in many places throughout the story, and paves the way for a bumpy read.
And as I read on, I can find some similar goops in scene description. I’m NOT blaming the action itself, I’m pointing fingers at your narration technique. It can be much better than that. Try this sample from the very next line:
"Can you stay tonight?" Megan asked as she leaned against the open door.
"You know I can't." Gwen turned around to find Megan in her white, silk robe.
I really can’t describe this, but this is a bad way to describe a scene, IMO. This looks like a beginner’s mistake and a good editor can help you out with this (Try the Editor’s Forum).
In a few paragraphs, the actions/scenes feel almost robotic. There are no emotions or sensations that can help me connect with your character. This is one of my greatest pet peeves, and I’ll flog this horse every time someone tells me to review a piece like this.
The sex scene in its entirety was a fine piece, but as I said before, your grammar paves the way for a bumpy read. For a lesbian sex story, this is a great piece, so a good job on that front!
Plot is great, and your story does carry a certain amount of intrigue for the readers. I love that in any story, and I liked that in yours too.
Overall, I can say that your intentions to write were solid, but grammar and phrases pulled your story down. Try reading out your sentences out loud. This’ll help your wonky structuring a great deal.
Also, I suggest finding a good editor for yourself. Self-editing can only take you this far, but a second pair of eye works like magic. And I stress on the word “Good”. If you’re already using an editor, I have to say that he/she’s not doing a great job.
Finally (Fucking finally!
), I suggest reading a few Lesbian stories by other authors like Bramblethorn, who writes terrific stories in terms of the style of writing itself. For drama coaching, I suggest LaRasCasse (hope I got the name right). He writes some excellent Lesbian stories in terms of plot and drama.Overall, it was a decent piece, but I can see this doing much, much better than the general stock out here. I hope that helped you.
Regards,
Happy Bard.
