Bistro Bijou

[UnderYourSpell]

Well, my dad is a good example of how someone can break that chain. He is a gentle soul, and never raised a hand against me. I imagine that you might have been the same way.

I raised puppies instead ! I was pretty good at that!

 

[Homburg]

Life has a bitch of a sense of irony. My two oldest children lied to me today. My eldest dropped a small cup full of breakfast cereal, and she and my oldest son hatched a plot to convince me that it was the fault of my youngest daughter. It was plausible, as she loves the cereal, and is only 4, so clumsy. When she said it wasn't her fault, something told me that she was telling me the truth, even though her two older siblings were telling me it was her fault.

Oldest son cracked first, and things started crumbling. Yelling occurred. It was stupid. Why lie about an accident, especially a relatively minor one?

There is only one thing they get spanked for - lying. They both know it, though it happens rarely. Knowing it, knowing it was a house rule, and one of the few hard rules, I had to. It may seem strange to some of you, given my proclivities, but I HATE punishment. I DESPISE it. It turns my stomach.

I brought each of them separately to the bedroom, gave them a calm, quiet talking-to about how bad it was to ruin trust, and the consequences, and then spanked each one. Eight stroke, palm cupped so it was loud and didn't hurt as much as it could have.

In both cases, the reaction was the same. Stand up, head bowed. I lift the chin up, and tell them to not lie to me. They look at me like I betrayed them. I'm their papa, and yet I hurt them.

Then I went down to the garage, sat at my desk, and cried.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Please please don't cry it's not the same at all ..... raising children the right and honorable way is nothing to do with gratuitous violence and mental abuse. Your children will grow up loving you take it from one who knows

 

[Shankara20]

Then I went down to the garage, sat at my desk, and cried.

Being a parent is, as you said, "a bitch"


to you and your children.

 

[Chefzilla]

Hiya, Cheffalump. How's life in PA treating you? Methinks it is probably a wee bit colder than what you are used to, eh?

I'd give you some hot chocolate if you were closer.

SHIT!!!!! COLD!!!!! I DON'T OWN A PROPER COAT!!!!!

Hiya back. Hommie, I'm not ignoring your more recent post, I completely empathize, and agree wholeheartedly with UYS. (Hiya to you too, Annie!!) I'm going to think awhile on the subject, having been subjected myself to a pretty fair beating or two when I was a kid, and now refuse to even think of raising a hand to my kids. Then I might join in on this one. For the moment I'm too close to it.

In the meantime, for something completely different, here's a thought for the Bistro for the day:

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

 

[UnderYourSpell]

try eyeballing this

http://woodgears.ca/eyeball/index.html

 

[loststar]

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Star your timing is exquisite!

 

[loststar]

the really strange thing about my life is that i am only now beginning to be honest about who i am and what i am about. My mother had severe anger issuses and my father has abused every drug known to man, my brother and i became very good at being good, on the surface. We were expected to be perfect, and i was extremely bitter about my childhood when i was in the middle of it. I now look back and see the amount of pain in their lives and it is easy to forgive these people that I love. I am very close to my parents now, but that was a hard road. Honesty is finally coming back into my life,though it seems like its taken far too long, i left home seven years ago. While i understood the pain my parents were in i vowed never to have that kind of pain, I consider myself lucky to learn about that pain secondhand, and to have the lesson stick, while i wouldn't wish my childhood on anybody, it worked out for me. I am very close to my family now, and it wasn't until we let some honesty and some space into our lives


now heres my quarter into the juke box

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpHFyYrNuuM

 

[miss_trust]

*stepping forward - looking around*

hope there is space for me? would love a cup of that!

I haven't been around long enough to understand all that has transpired & I tend to hide when drama comes to town (if I don't hide, I stand to the fore of the crowd & try applying reason until I finally realize my attempts are fruitless and my frustration will soon make it necessary to fight strong urges to smack someone - so I find hiding is a more peaceable and palatable option for all). I do understand the desire and need to address perceived wrongs, inaccurate portrayals, incorrect assessments, slander, etc. I do so enjoy free speech when people use it intelligently... I also bite my lip when free speech is used to shout the equivalent of "FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU" because if I get to speak so does everyone else but it sure doesn't mean I'll appreciate much of what some say.

Y'all seem to be a supportive and empathic group with well-grounded and well-rounded communication skills and I'd love to join the dynamic but you'll see me draw away if I smell the scent of drama.

respect, patience, curiosity and active listening is what I hope to bring.

 

[loststar]

welcome, cocoa for you, you are more than welcome to hide in here, more often than not this is a drama free zone, read through some of the back posts, alot of times you'll see DRAMA FREE ZONE scralled in pink lipstick above the bar.

Although i'm one to talk i threw gasoline on a fire last weekend

but all in all this is a place for heart warming debachary

 

[miss_trust]

drama free scrawled in pink lipstick - i like

no drama,
like a well-worn sweater
a walk across across a mountain clearing while breezes whisper
like respectful honesty when it's difficult
smiling for no reason
the laughter of children
stargazing in the yard
bubble baths
and a cup of hot cocoa

(no, not poetry - just my "no drama bucket list")

 

[UnderYourSpell]

A lot of my childhood memories are missing why this is I don't know, you would think if I was going to block I would lose the bad bits. It's not that I have a bad memory either because I can remember back to being in a pram under a horse chestnut tree, which still stands to this day. So why are there bits that try as I might won't come back to me? There is a certain very important occurence in my life but I can't remember the beginning or the end of it only the middle when it was happening not how it started or why it ended. I don't even know how old I was at that time. Yet I see that child me as clear as if it was on a screen in front of me. It's very disorientating and I will never know what made me block it out. But it's not just things like that it's silly things like I actually forgot my Father had a brother! Now how odd is that?

 

[miss_trust]

What are your own stories about your family and origins? Were you allowed to be angry, to protest, to say you didn't like something? Was there an elephant in your living room that you weren't allowed to acknowledge? Was there a malfunction you were taught to ignore? Did it affect the ways you deal with conflict as an adult?

While UYS describes abuses and Homburg explains the pain of the parent, I can't say I've been in those shoes. No miles walked, no pleading like that, no cupped hand and dealing with the immediacy of my own child's blame. I have other elephants to tame or set free.

I am the proud daughter of a misogynist father and single mother who'd spent her life being abused instead of being taught how to accept love, how to forgive, how to give love without fear of rejection or judgment. During required, unsupervised visits that would last entire summers, I received one spanking from my father for telling a lie - apart from that, he would go weeks without touching, looking at or speaking to me, as if I didn't exist - when he did take note, he'd criticize and point to faults. I may have been allowed to be angry, voice my opinion, what have you - but I wouldn't have been heard - too much the nonentity due to my gender.

I am the sister of a man who believes I'm his personal punching bag for his many woes and that my ears are a suitable receptacle for spewed bile. Growing up, I never said a thing and let my mother believe the bruises and cuts were from falling and playing. I've learned to tell him I won't have it but I've also learned he doesn't listen to that.

I am the tomboy down the street who, at 9, had to face the fact that a friend's father was a pedophile, then testify to this truth before I could grasp the scope of wreckage he'd strewn about. I learned I could stand up for what was right but my mother immediately moved us across the country - so my young mind understood that I had done something wrong and had ruined our chances of being a happy family in my former home. I've also learned that my mother may have always said I did the right thing but she's also always said my father & brother don't need to know - so how right could it have been?

I am the high school student who withdrew some time during freshman year and not even her mother knew why - 2-time rape victim. The girl who tried to forgive herself for things that weren't her fault but that were grounds for constant personal wars of self pity pitted against strength and courage. I learned that fighting back gets you beaten senseless and left in the woods. I learned that going to the small-town police gets you labeled a liar. I learned to shut up and adjust and stop trying to be friends with people because that got you tricked and hurt.

I am the kid who thought she had no friends but hung out with anyone - never really let them in because she wasn't sure how but always gave a good listen and tried to show people they weren't alone. I learned that I had a shell made of not sharing pieces of myself and my boundary was that I'd peak out to see the world but I wouldn't invite it in.

I am the college student who tried to forgive her father and become a more understanding person and who continues to wander that path. I learned that not everyone believes they need forgiveness and misogynists tend to remain misogynists regardless the elapsed time.

I am the woman who has wanted children for time out of mind yet agreed to destroy the one chance she's had at becoming a mother... because of money. That's me - the one with regrets (big ones that are entirely my own making). I learned that, in the room of my mind, no matter what else I've done in my life, this is the biggest elephant and nobody talks about it - I've tried but am reassured I did the right thing (no, I didn't) or told I must have been deranged because no woman could ever do such a thing in good conscience.

I am that girl who's always wanted to be loved but knows that can't truly happen until she loves herself. I do have a voice and it's not so different from the voices of other women around the globe. I have a mind and am internally unafraid to speak it but in actuality, I prefer to hide when drama comes a-callin'... I've had too many run ins with it and still haven't quite figured out how best to acclimate my mind with infringements of injustice, insistent spite and inflicted indecencies.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Hugs Miss T you are with friends in here ones that don't judge you by what others did to you or what the past made us into. I never really knew how to love or behave around other people either because no-one taught me but then something wonderful happened when I wasn't looking .... someone really fell in love with me. At times I can't believe that someone could love me and if he knew all my secrets would he continue to do so. He knows my childhood secrets and yes that 'other abuse' is the pedo kind but I never told I had already learnt that telling does you no good I still I carry many secrets that no-one will ever ever know. Forgive and forget? No I don't think it's possible not for me anyway

 

[loststar]

 

[UnderYourSpell]

We need some more men in here I haven't dragged anyone into the backroom for ages!

 

[miss_trust]

the backroom

now i have images of a darkened closet-like room where UYS brings people for tweedy, poetic torture!

 

[champagne1982]

As a child, I learned to trust. Not so much that I'd walk into the woods alone without letting my family know where I'd be, but enough that I could venture into the shade on the edge of the trees without fear.

I learned that caution isn't the same as fear; concern isn't the same as worry and caring isn't the same as desire; that the consequences of lying costs pain that far outweighs the purchase, honour is a higher priced commodity than accomodation and that love is priceless.

For those who sorrow a childhood lost, I weep for those children you were never allowed to be. Today is the one when we can be kind to each other and most importantly, be kind to ourselves. Ego is fragile and should be nurtured carefully.

 

[loststar]

well said

 

[Shankara20]

We need some more men in here I haven't dragged anyone into the backroom for ages!

a few of us men are just being quiet at the moment,

 

[Remec]

a few of us men are just being quiet at the moment,

*nod*
Or simply wandering about through the forums and threads and the various troughs of surfing the web...*g*

 

[Homburg]

try eyeballing this
http://woodgears.ca/eyeball/index.html

Best of of three was 5.11

That is one heckuva cool link. Thanks, Annie!!

--

A lot of my childhood memories are missing why this is I don't know, you would think if I was going to block I would lose the bad bits.

I remember precious little before about the 3rd grade. Not really sure why. The bits I do remember are all things that my parents have photographs of.

--

a few of us men are just being quiet at the moment,

Yup, being quiet. Men suck.

 

[loststar]

saunters through the bar...you boys want anything?

 

[Shankara20]

saunters through the bar...you boys want anything?

respect
companionship
acceptance
love

prime rib
cheese cake
coffee

scotch

eye candy


oh yes, I almost forgot

sexy flirtation


all of which, by-the-way, I have received off-and-on in this little Bistro