Bottoming and body image issues

[BiBunny]

Ok, I'll actually add something useful this time.

When I was 6 years old, I was diagnosed with linear scleroderma, an uncommon autoimmune disease with no known cause or cure. The lesion began on the outside part of my upper right thigh. It spread up to my hip and about halfway down my thigh.

The skin lesion is mostly burned out now and has lightened considerably since the days when it was active. It's several shades darker than the rest of my skin, but you have to see the whole thing to realize how bad it is. Most of the time, if people see the bottom of it peeking out from under the leg of my shorts or whatever, they just think it's a bruise. If the skin discoloration were the only problem, I'd be fine with it.

However, the disease, in addition to hardening and discoloring the skin, also destroys muscle, fat, and connective tissue. My outer thigh is deformed with what amounts to a huge dent. Skin just overlies bone and blood vessels; there's literally nothing else there. The dent itself extends past the boundaries of the lesion on both ends. It goes up over my hip and wraps around behind my back, stopping near the sacroiliac joint. The underside continues around the back of my thigh as well.

Because it developed when I was so young, the tissue destruction hampered the growth of my right leg. It's not noticeably shorter than the other one, but it's enough that it interferes with my walking. I've mostly learned to compensate, so that no one notices, but when I get tired, the awkward gait comes back.

The hip joint also hurts like a sonofabitch at times, especially lately. I fear it's out of remission and is eating into the joint itself, but I try not to think about it too much.

I've never once had a man or a woman who came to bed with me say anything bad about it. I have to point it out because if there's any impact play going on, I need you to stay the hell away from it, so it's not that they haven't noticed.

Sometimes, they ask what happened. More than one person has thought it was a burn. I hate having to explain what it is because it's not a well-known condition, so there's not really a 25-words-or-less answer for their questions. Nobody's ever made me feel uncomfortable by asking questions, though.

Men, especially, seem to like to stroke it very gently. The deepest part of the depression naturally cradles a man's hand, so when he holds me, his hand usually ends up there. It's actually a nice feeling, if it's someone I like. The heat generated by another person's skin seems to ease the pain, which, nowadays, is almost constant.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I'm a vain, vain person. If you can't tell me I'm pretty, please don't even think about coming in my bedroom!

BiBunny, I think you're GORGEOUS and people should feel HONORED merely to be in your presence!! *flutters at*

 

[BiBunny]

BiBunny, I think you're GORGEOUS and people should feel HONORED merely to be in your presence!! *flutters at*

Have I mentioned how much I love you lately?

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Have I mentioned how much I love you lately?

Oh you're too kind *blush* he he he eh he

 

[redslady]

Ok, I'll actually add something useful this time.

When I was 6 years old, I was diagnosed with linear scleroderma, an uncommon autoimmune disease with no known cause or cure. The lesion began on the outside part of my upper right thigh. It spread up to my hip and about halfway down my thigh.

The skin lesion is mostly burned out now and has lightened considerably since the days when it was active. It's several shades darker than the rest of my skin, but you have to see the whole thing to realize how bad it is. Most of the time, if people see the bottom of it peeking out from under the leg of my shorts or whatever, they just think it's a bruise. If the skin discoloration were the only problem, I'd be fine with it.

However, the disease, in addition to hardening and discoloring the skin, also destroys muscle, fat, and connective tissue. My outer thigh is deformed with what amounts to a huge dent. Skin just overlies bone and blood vessels; there's literally nothing else there. The dent itself extends past the boundaries of the lesion on both ends. It goes up over my hip and wraps around behind my back, stopping near the sacroiliac joint. The underside continues around the back of my thigh as well.

Because it developed when I was so young, the tissue destruction hampered the growth of my right leg. It's not noticeably shorter than the other one, but it's enough that it interferes with my walking. I've mostly learned to compensate, so that no one notices, but when I get tired, the awkward gait comes back.

The hip joint also hurts like a sonofabitch at times, especially lately. I fear it's out of remission and is eating into the joint itself, but I try not to think about it too much.

I've never once had a man or a woman who came to bed with me say anything bad about it. I have to point it out because if there's any impact play going on, I need you to stay the hell away from it, so it's not that they haven't noticed.

Sometimes, they ask what happened. More than one person has thought it was a burn. I hate having to explain what it is because it's not a well-known condition, so there's not really a 25-words-or-less answer for their questions. Nobody's ever made me feel uncomfortable by asking questions, though.

Men, especially, seem to like to stroke it very gently. The deepest part of the depression naturally cradles a man's hand, so when he holds me, his hand usually ends up there. It's actually a nice feeling, if it's someone I like. The heat generated by another person's skin seems to ease the pain, which, nowadays, is almost constant.

Thanks for sharing Bunny. Just shows what I always thought of you as, a wonderful strong woman, was dead on.

 

[redslady]

After reading all the similar stories and fears like mine, I decided to be honest with him about what my hang ups were. Lol, aside from telling me that I was wasting my time worrying, he said that it really didn't matter to him, unless there were spots that needed to be avoided. It really doesn't matter to him what my skin looks like, so long as it bruises, lol.

Thanks all, for helping me get my head around the fact that how I see myself isn't necessarily how someone else sees me.

And Stella, I told him about your comment regarding hardons and he said you were absolutely right, so I really have nothing to worry about, lol. Guess he's got a hard on for me, who knew?

 

[kimuk]

I think its a largely female thing. This obsession with how we look. We are flooded with media and porn images of the perfect female specimen and judge ouselves by that standard. If you look at the ideal man specimen. Projected by the media. The tanned six packed hunk. In reality there are few of them out there.

But thats not what I want . I want a man whois man sized and man shaped. I dont care if he dosent resemble the media image. Because I see the whole package not the individaul bits and bobs. Men hopefully feel the same way. The connection you have with your man is what makes it real.

Although I have been and often am in the same postion. I'm a big girl and think how the hell can you desire this body? but he just does.....and tells me so all the time

 

[HottieMama]

I think its a largely female thing. This obsession with how we look. <snip>

I see it as tied to sexuality/sexual preference as well. I know many more "feminine" gay men that are as concerned about body image as het/bi women. (Statistically, young, het/bi women and gay men of any age have the largest incidence of eating disorders, with "butch identified" lesbians coming in last behind het men.) There is something to be said for the images projected in erotica and porn and how it effects our self image. Women in porn (both het and lesbian made for/by men) are "mainstream beautiful," while men in HET porn, aren't typically as attractive. (Ron Jeremy comes to mind.) Gay male porn is filled with images of young, built, model-beautiful men, with very few less mainstream attractive types. None of these are realistic, yet that is what some strive to be at any/all costs.

 

[twister947]

It's not just women and gay men. I am very much a guy's guy, and have always had what I thought of as a normal, healthy sense of self. Now, at 64, I struggle with accepting the man in the mirror. I am not winning.

 

[BiBunny]

Thanks for sharing Bunny. Just shows what I always thought of you as, a wonderful strong woman, was dead on.

Thank you.

I think its a largely female thing. This obsession with how we look. We are flooded with media and porn images of the perfect female specimen and judge ouselves by that standard. If you look at the ideal man specimen. Projected by the media. The tanned six packed hunk. In reality there are few of them out there.

But thats not what I want . I want a man whois man sized and man shaped. I dont care if he dosent resemble the media image. Because I see the whole package not the individaul bits and bobs. Men hopefully feel the same way. The connection you have with your man is what makes it real.

Although I have been and often am in the same postion. I'm a big girl and think how the hell can you desire this body? but he just does.....and tells me so all the time

I'm not sure I'm buying this. I'm fat, but I'm also a hot fat girl. (Also very modest, obviously.) If you've ever laid eyes on me before, then you KNOW I'm fat. It's not like it's something I can hide. If you know I'm fat and still want to fuck me, then it's obviously not a problem.

The limb deformity is something totally different, something that can shock someone if they've never seen it before. It's got nothing to do with being female, the media, porn, or anything else. It's the fear of the (natural) human aversion to something not being "whole." I really don't think you can lump worries about being fat or having too-small tits or whatever into the same category.

I try to remember to always tell people before we fuck, so they at least know it's coming. Luckily, I've never had anyone freak out. If they mention it at all, it's because they're genuinely concerned about me.

 

[HottieMama]

I'm not sure I'm buying this. I'm fat, but I'm also a hot fat girl. (Also very modest, obviously.) If you've ever laid eyes on me before, then you KNOW I'm fat. It's not like it's something I can hide. If you know I'm fat and still want to fuck me, then it's obviously not a problem.

The limb deformity is something totally different, something that can shock someone if they've never seen it before. It's got nothing to do with being female, the media, porn, or anything else. It's the fear of the (natural) human aversion to something not being "whole." I really don't think you can lump worries about being fat or having too-small tits or whatever into the same category.

I try to remember to always tell people before we fuck, so they at least know it's coming. Luckily, I've never had anyone freak out. If they mention it at all, it's because they're genuinely concerned about me.

I agree with you that being fat, or short, or whatever is totally different than a limb deformity, or severe scarring, etc. I was mainly speaking to the "I'm fat and flat-chested" issues that I think a lot of women have.

 

[Bandit58]

It's not just women and gay men. I am very much a guy's guy, and have always had what I thought of as a normal, healthy sense of self. Now, at 64, I struggle with accepting the man in the mirror. I am not winning.

You are not the only one. Sir used to be a very strong muscular guy (I have seen the pictures) but with His health issues He has lost a lot of muscle. He also has scars from scratching His terribly itchy skin until it bled because He wasn't being dialysed properly.

When we met the scars were more visible than they are now and He had a tube in His belly for doing peritoneal dialysis. I will be honest here and say that I was a bit shocked when I saw Him nude for the first time, but that quickly went away in the newness and awe of my own feelings both for Him and the experience of bottoming for the first time.

He is still self conscious and often doesn't take His t shirt off when we play. He knows I love Him and that I don't even notice the scars anymore, but it just helps Him feel more comfortable so I don't worry about it I too have stretch marks from carrying two babies and my boobs are on the way down....He says He loves my body because it's mine

 

[BiBunny]

I agree with you that being fat, or short, or whatever is totally different than a limb deformity, or severe scarring, etc. I was mainly speaking to the "I'm fat and flat-chested" issues that I think a lot of women have.

Right.

I mean, I have "I'm fat" issues before I meet someone. Not before I fuck them, though. Like I said, if you've seen me and somehow missed the fact that I'm fat, that's YOUR fault, LOL.

I just get irritated with people blaming media images for a person's insecurities. It's not "the media" that makes me self-conscious; it's the fact that I'm missing most of my outer thigh. Jesus.

 

[FurryFury]

Okay. So you don't think this is true for you. Great.

However, media IS a huge part of this issue for a great many. Just three years after western television began being watched in Fiji, a study was done on how that may have influences or affected young ladies there.

Though that is just one sort of influence, there were missionaries and other influences, I'm sure. Prior to that being bigger was a sigh of status, health and wealth but western television did not seem to be a positive thing for the body image of young people particularly females.

I personally think given the media saturation in this country, many of us are far more affected than we can easily analyze, as what we see, read and know as true, begins to be a mostly subconscious thing and often germinates from a very early age.

FF



The

Right.

I mean, I have "I'm fat" issues before I meet someone. Not before I fuck them, though. Like I said, if you've seen me and somehow missed the fact that I'm fat, that's YOUR fault, LOL.

I just get irritated with people blaming media images for a person's insecurities. It's not "the media" that makes me self-conscious; it's the fact that I'm missing most of my outer thigh. Jesus.

 

[Kurokami]

Right.

I mean, I have "I'm fat" issues before I meet someone. Not before I fuck them, though. Like I said, if you've seen me and somehow missed the fact that I'm fat, that's YOUR fault, LOL.

I just get irritated with people blaming media images for a person's insecurities. It's not "the media" that makes me self-conscious; it's the fact that I'm missing most of my outer thigh. Jesus.

I'm sorry, I came in here because I thought I might have something to add, but I have to say... This is completely glorious. Bibunny, you're now approximately as badass to me as my wife is.

Speaking as a guy who's already profoundly socially awkward, body issues are the last thing I need, but I got 'em. I'm damn near completely blind in my left eye, and although I know it looks pretty much normal I still worry, when I talk to people, whether it's doing something weird, or just how askew my perspective is, or what have you. It's kind of a big deal to me, because it's right up on my face.

Similarly, I've been with my wife for almost four years, and I still have issues with going shirtless around her. I've got some pretty bad scars down my back and torso, courtesy of dear old dad, that I don't like to show. I know she's fine with it, that in fact she doesn't care even in the slightest, so I guess the problem's in my head, but I can barely stand to look at them myself, I can't see why she would, either.

I don't know whether this adds anything to the conversation or whatever, but I felt like sharing. Beyond that, it goes to show that this kind of stuff hits guys too, I guess.

 

[BiBunny]

Okay. So you don't think this is true for you. Great.

However, media IS a huge part of this issue for a great many. Just three years after western television began being watched in Fiji, a study was done on how that may have influences or affected young ladies there.

Though that is just one sort of influence, there were missionaries and other influences, I'm sure. Prior to that being bigger was a sigh of status, health and wealth but western television did not seem to be a positive thing for the body image of young people particularly females.

I personally think given the media saturation in this country, many of us are far more affected than we can easily analyze, as what we see, read and know as true, begins to be a mostly subconscious thing and often germinates from a very early age.

FF



The

If others are affected by "the media," more power to them. I'm not, and I think it's ridiculous to say that "the media" is the cause of everybody's insecurities. Do I think it's insulting to people like the OP to group her issues with "ZOMG, I watched TV, and now I think I'm fat!!!!!1!11!1!!"? Yes. Extremely so.

 

[BiBunny]

I'm sorry, I came in here because I thought I might have something to add, but I have to say... This is completely glorious. Bibunny, you're now approximately as badass to me as my wife is.

Speaking as a guy who's already profoundly socially awkward, body issues are the last thing I need, but I got 'em. I'm damn near completely blind in my left eye, and although I know it looks pretty much normal I still worry, when I talk to people, whether it's doing something weird, or just how askew my perspective is, or what have you. It's kind of a big deal to me, because it's right up on my face.

Similarly, I've been with my wife for almost four years, and I still have issues with going shirtless around her. I've got some pretty bad scars down my back and torso, courtesy of dear old dad, that I don't like to show. I know she's fine with it, that in fact she doesn't care even in the slightest, so I guess the problem's in my head, but I can barely stand to look at them myself, I can't see why she would, either.

I don't know whether this adds anything to the conversation or whatever, but I felt like sharing. Beyond that, it goes to show that this kind of stuff hits guys too, I guess.

I just realized I didn't respond to this. My bad! Thanks for the compliment. I know how much you adore your wife, so I consider it high praise indeed.

I also feel you on the profoundly socially awkward part. I always have been, and it looks like I always will be.

As for the rest? *Hugs*

 

[Kurokami]

I just realized I didn't respond to this. My bad! Thanks for the compliment. I know how much you adore your wife, so I consider it high praise indeed.

I also feel you on the profoundly socially awkward part. I always have been, and it looks like I always will be.

As for the rest? *Hugs*

Thanks, Bi! I was sort of hoping you'd take that first part as high praise, because that's how I meant it. But my wife's such a highly specific reference to make that maybe I shouldn't have just assumed Hugs are also entirely appreciated!

As for being socially awkward... Sometimes that doesn't feel like a bad thing, though. Sure, the nervousness is annoying, but one upside to experiencing the world through a lens of high grade social paranoia is that you tend to think about every word that comes out of your head, turning it over again and again, searching for the first sign of offensiveness or faulty logic. I don't know about you- although it does seem to be the case- but having to do this every time I speak has sort of upped the calibre of my discourse, usually.

Silver Lining~!

 

[redslady]

If others are affected by "the media," more power to them. I'm not, and I think it's ridiculous to say that "the media" is the cause of everybody's insecurities. Do I think it's insulting to people like the OP to group her issues with "ZOMG, I watched TV, and now I think I'm fat!!!!!1!11!1!!"? Yes. Extremely so.

I've never let what "the media" or anyone else says about the perfect body image affect me. Howbut, body image is body image regardless of how we get here. It's interesting how everyone seems to find something to feel ashamed or embarrassed about themselves. Are we conditioned in some way to feel like this?

Maybe it is media, or something from how we are raised, or what have you, it's nice to know that we aren't alone in our self-imposed fears. That there is support and advice to be had here, without someone just saying "Oh, you're being silly" and brushing it off.

 

[twister947]

I've never let what "the media" or anyone else says about the perfect body image affect me.

I'll take you at your word, but methinks it's more subtle and insidious than that...it's not like any of us opens a door, and lets it happen: it comes under the door, and gets inside our heads without our knowing.

 

[GrimsPet]

I'm not as eloquent as many others here but, here are my thoughts.

The scars on your body should be worn with pride. They are the signs of your courage and determination to battle and defeat an enemy that was determined to kill you. You beat that enemy and bear the scars of that battle and your courage with pride.

You have no more to be ashamed of then any of our military men and women who have been scarred in other types of battles with enemy's who also tried to kill them.

The marks from your battle does not define you they do define your courage and perseverance. Any man worth his salt will understand and appreciate that.

Never be ashamed of wounds you received in battle.

I hope this helps.

Mike

Thank you. You put words to what I was thinking.

You won your life from a deadly killer and you have scars from it. Those scars are proof you won and survived.

Anyone you see who doesn't accept those scars is NOT worth your time. Be proud of yourself and feel good in yourself for winning a hard won battle against a nasty deadly disease. You're a survivor, and a fighter.

 

[FurryFury]

Exactly so.

FF

I'll take you at your word, but methinks it's more subtle and insidious than that...it's not like any of us opens a door, and lets it happen: it comes under the door, and gets inside our heads without our knowing.

 

[FurryFury]

I totally agree.

Funny thing about scars, I find them to evoke passion and caring. My husband hates his and I hate mine but we love each others and appreciate what we each went through when we got them.

FF

Thank you. You put words to what I was thinking.

You won your life from a deadly killer and you have scars from it. Those scars are proof you won and survived.

Anyone you see who doesn't accept those scars is NOT worth your time. Be proud of yourself and feel good in yourself for winning a hard won battle against a nasty deadly disease. You're a survivor, and a fighter.

 

[midwestyankee]

I realize that I'm very late to this party, but I wanted to add my few cents.

@redslady, please think about the courage you showed in agreeing to bottom to this friend. On some level you knew before you agreed to it that you were going to be facing up to your body image. Now it's time to let the rest of you go through with the plan that your subconscious agreed to earlier.

@BiBunny, your honesty is more attractive than any men's magazine "10" could ever be. That you're also lovely is a bonus.

For anyone who suffers from body image problems, I hope that your partners will all come to share in the belief that I learned a long time ago: the best thing about my partner's body is that it is attached to her.

 

[BiBunny]

I realize that I'm very late to this party, but I wanted to add my few cents.

@redslady, please think about the courage you showed in agreeing to bottom to this friend. On some level you knew before you agreed to it that you were going to be facing up to your body image. Now it's time to let the rest of you go through with the plan that your subconscious agreed to earlier.

@BiBunny, your honesty is more attractive than any men's magazine "10" could ever be. That you're also lovely is a bonus.

For anyone who suffers from body image problems, I hope that your partners will all come to share in the belief that I learned a long time ago: the best thing about my partner's body is that it is attached to her.

Thank you, Yanks.

Flattery will get you anywhere.